Cynthia's Affair Ch. 03

"Well, you certainly make the whole idea more appealing to me, and certainly less scary, but I still wouldn't know how to start. Dr. Butler suggested that a threesome would ease me into it, but I wouldn't know how to have one of those either."

"That's the problem, dear, and I'm afraid I'm no help there. When I have had relations with men, I have never started anything. Oh, I have made myself available when I was attracted to a man, but the initiative always came from him. With Maggie, absolutely nothing would have occurred between us except for that unique set of circumstances I described. If we had been completely sober, we probably never would have considered doing what we did. As far as a threesome goes, I never would have had any interest in doing anything with her husband, even if he had been there. On the other hand, I certainly would not have objected to having a threesome with her and Eddie, and, thinking about it, it sounds very exciting, but the subject just never came up. So, while I can tell you, unequivocally, that sex with her was a very pleasant experience, I can't give you advice as to how to start such a relationship with another woman, much less how to start a threesome. I guess that you would almost have to have a relationship with the woman first, although," laughing, "I suppose a male lover could introduce you to his wife!"

"Sure, but, in either case, I have to have some kind of affair first! I'm right back where I started!"

"Unfortunately, I'm afraid you're right and I wish I could help. I will say that whether or not you and David continue to have a problem, I think that an outside sexual experience would be good for you. I know in my case that having extramarital experiences changed me, made me feel, somehow, more complete. My horizons certainly were broadened and I felt more independent. Being part of a couple or a family is unquestionably the best arrangement, but it's also nice to be by yourself; moving in a different circle, once in a while. It's awfully easy to become stale, to just go through the motions of living in the same old rut. I was very lucky, the way things worked out, and I just hope that you get lucky, one way or the other."

That effectively ended their conversation on the subject, leaving Cynthia far more open-minded on the subject of bisexuality. The most immediate result was a fantasy that for the first time actually involved sex without a man being present. Cathy's experience with massage therapy led Cynthia to picture a more erotic scenario, one which she hesitantly recorded for Dr. Butler.

I am given a gift certificate for a massage in my home from a friend. The friend says that the massage is extremely relaxing, and I'm looking forward to it very much. The masseuse arrives and has me undress and lie, face down, on an exercise mat I have. She kneels beside me and starts at my neck and shoulders, kneading the muscles while rubbing a perfumed creamy lotion into my skin. It feels wonderful. She works her way down my back until she reaches my hips and she begins rubbing in a circular motion over them, spreading the lotion. She has one hand on each cheek, pushing and kneading hard as she goes downward, pulling lightly as she comes back up. On the upward move, her fingers slip into the crease between them as she works, the tips moving along the division and I am very conscious of what she is touching.

When she is finished the kneading, she lightly smooth's the lotion over my entire bottom again, her fingers circling over my skin and sliding slowly between the cheeks. As her fingertips run over the opening, a funny thrill goes through me. I jump slightly at the contact, but make no comment. She repeats the circling several times, drawing the fingers through each time, pausing and tickling lightly as she does so. I am shocked and don't know what to do, but it feels very good! I am suddenly very aware of lying naked while another woman touches me.

Before she has been an impersonal masseuse, but now she is a woman. She moves to my thighs, pulling my legs apart to get to the inner thigh area, and I am very conscious of being exposed. As she does the upper thigh, her fingers continually brush the pubic hair between my legs. There is nothing blatant, but I feel another thrill go through me. I know that I am becoming very moist and I hope she doesn't notice. She works her way down my legs and feet, and tells me to turn over. I have a weird mixture of fear and anticipation as I do so.

I'm lying on my back, completely naked. My eyes are closed, but I know that she is looking at me and I find it strangely exciting. She asks me if the massage feels good so far and if everything is all right. She emphasizes the "everything," and I know exactly what she is referring to. I feel myself blushing furiously, and, with a tremor in my voice, stammer out that everything is fine. I open my eyes briefly and see that she is looking at me and smiling, knowing what I am thinking. Taking more of the flagrant lotion on her palms, she spreads it over my breasts, gently squeezing and fondling them as she does so. Her hands circle both breasts, cupping and caressing them lightly in a very soft massage

Finally, her hands leave my breasts and slide down over my rib cage to my stomach, continuing to smooth the lotion over my skin. She reaches my pubic hair and her fingers ruffle through it and run down to my thighs. She massages the thighs, digging deeply into them as she massages the muscles. As the muscles relax, she separates my legs and works on the inner thighs, moving closer and closer to my vagina – no, my cunt!

Her fingers brush the hair, lightly tickling it, sending tremors of excitement through me. I'm past any thought of protest as she begins to stroke up and down, barely touching the lips, teasing me with the light caressing. Involuntarily I spread my legs further apart, opening myself completely to her fondling. Recognizing my acquiescence, she becomes more assertive, continuing the stroking and tickling of my cunt lips with one hand while concentrating on my clitoris with the other. Unbelievable waves of pleasure and excitement flow through me.

As her fingers move within the lips, I know that I have never been so wet. The fingers, slippery with my lubrication, not the lotion, stroke from my clit all the way back to my bottom. I draw my knees up, placing my feet on the mat, and my hips undulate up and down as I become more and more aroused. She continues stroking, her fingers alternating entering my bottom and my cunt, going faster and faster, matching my increasing excitement.

I'm panting and moaning in pleasure, my hips jerking frantically as I approach orgasm. I stay arched up against her hand for a long moment before slumping back onto the mat, sated and exhausted. I am dazed and can only whisper "that was wonderful" as she pulls back. I am totally relaxed and go easily from being dazed to being asleep. I wake up alone, long afterwards, and find myself still on the mat, covered by a sheet. I find a note hoping that I enjoyed the massage and giving her phone number to call if I want another session. I'm sure I will!

Even more than the first fantasy, Cynthia was embarrassed to think that her mind would produce such a lurid scenario and the thought of letting someone else read it was mortifying. Nonetheless, when she entered Dr. Butler's office several days later, she had both stories with her. Sitting in the office while the therapist's eyes scanned the pages, she felt herself blushing like a schoolgirl, wanting to jump up and leave. Still, when Dr. Butler looked up, smiling, she leaned forward in anticipation, again like a schoolgirl waiting for the teacher's evaluation.

"Well, you certainly did go forward in picturing erotic activities! I'm quite impressed by the development. You have integrated your friend into the sexual in the first fantasy and, for the first time, had a sexual contact with another woman alone in the second. I notice, however, that while they do things to you, you remain passive and don't participate actively."

"I know. I just haven't been able to picture myself doing anything! I've tried to see myself reaching out and touching either the man or woman. In my fantasies, I just seem to be aroused by having the others taking the initiative. I think that if I were actually involved with someone that I would enjoy responding and taking a more active role. At least, I'm sure that I'd want to – if I had the nerve!"

Actually, since you've never done anything of this type, you've advanced quite a bit, and I'm sure that the exhilaration of the moment would overcome your natural shyness. Even thinking about these things is new for you."

"I just hope I get a chance to find out. One thing for sure, though, I have a far more open mind about being bisexual than I did last week."

"Well, that's certainly good to hear! Was it just thinking about our discussion or did something else make it seem more acceptable?"

"I certainly did think about what you said! In fact, except when I was too busy to think of anything but school problems, I thought of nothing but that! The thing that really made a bisexual relationship more....I guess, real. ...was a talk I had with a close friend. She told me about a relationship that she had with another woman, and she just made it seem so natural and enjoyable. She even used the same words you did, saying that the experience was very pleasant and satisfying, warm and intimate. She said that it was relaxing and comfortable, not as intense as with men, just comfortable. She made it sound very attractive!"

"Now, first, when I said that you should think deeply about the situation, I didn't mean that you should become obsessed by it! Still, your reaction certainly shows that you are still seriously concerned about your sexual dilemma and that a way out of your predicament needs to be found. Second, your friend is extremely perceptive and probably helped you a great deal. Regardless of the opinions held by many in the gay community, heterosexual intercourse is clearly the normal way to sexual satisfaction. However, that relationship can create a situation that is uncomfortable because of male-female psychology.

"In that kind of intercourse, the male, of course, penetrates the female, usually in the classical 'missionary' position in which the man 'mounts' the woman. The two parties are equally important to completing the sex act, a true symbiotic relationship, but it isn't seen that way in our society – or in many others, for that matter. Think of how we describe the event: the man 'takes' the woman, 'has' her, 'uses' her, or, in the biblical sense, 'knows' her. More graphically, he 'screws' her or, even 'fucks' her. When in the act, the man usually is in the superior position, the woman underneath in the subordinate position. Afterwards, his success buoys his ego while he frequently feels protective toward the woman. The woman commonly welcomes that attitude and enjoys the feeling of being the soft, vulnerable junior member in the relationship, reaping the rewards of being held close, protected and valued.

"Of course, these attitudes are subtle, normally not even consciously held, and this equal-unequal relationship has served human society well for many centuries, but sexual tension is inevitable because of different expectations. The man satisfies his needs and intercourse ends, while the woman is not equally satisfied. Men often are ready for some other activity immediately, sleeping, perhaps, while the woman wants that post-coital togetherness – and, even more important, she wants him to want it! It's not that men are inherently selfish; it's just that for them the real pleasure is the sex act itself. For women, the act is important, but the non-sexual element, the closeness, is at least as significant. Since the man is in the superior position, his expectations usually are the ones that are met, causing resentment and, as in your case, a realization that something is missing in the relationship.

"Regardless of these problems, intercourse with a man is unquestionably the most satisfying, stimulating sex for a non-lesbian woman, but, the tension, coming from these different expectations and desires, certainly prevents the use of the term 'comfortable' to describe the relationship. Intense, exciting, fulfilling, yes, but 'comfortable,' no! I'm generalizing, of course, and many marital relationships are very comfortable, usually after years of accommodation and mutual give and take, but, if that is not the case, the woman is usually the loser and her natural and inevitable resentment can poison the entire relationship. That is when an outside relationship, even adultery on her part, may well be the best thing for both the husband and wife and their marriage. Of course, another alternative is female-female sex which your friend did call comfortable.... pleasant and comfortable!

"The difference lies in the psychological differences between male-female and female-female sex. When two women have sex, they are equals in fact, not only in theory. Oh, of course, lesbians have their 'doms' and 'fems,' but two 'straight' women having sex tend to be very careful not to dominate and to be sure that each gets pleasure from the relationship. In fact, I have been told by many women that they get almost as much pleasure from arousing the other woman by fondling or, even, performing cunnilingus on her, as from being worked on herself. Mutual pleasure is the goal, and the result is a tension-free, very pleasant experience, an experience that really has no downside.

"Actually, that is why I suggest it as a possible alternative to other extramarital relationships when the underlying sexual problem is the type you have. When there are no sexual relations in the marriage but divorce is not an option, a discreet extramarital affair with another man is probably the best choice. If the problem is impotence, that certainly is the only option unless the woman is willing to give up normal sex. In your case, where sexual intercourse is still part of the relationship but closeness is missing, a bisexual liaison may serve to provide the missing element in your life. Still, it can't bring the same intensity or romance as a regular affair."

"Well, right now I would welcome an affair if I could have a relationship with a man I was attracted to. My friend was lucky that way and had such an affair with a married man for years, both enjoying it with no damage to either marriage. Unfortunately, I don't think that I am that lucky! If a threesome like I had in my fantasies could develop, I would be delighted! Right now, a bisexual affair sounds wonderful! In other words, I'm ready for almost any outside sexual experience, but I just don't know how to approach it, much less actually doing something! Even in my fantasies I'm inhibited and just let people do things to me! Damn, I...I wish I could find someone who would do those things and, maybe, I could get up the nerve to do things back, but, I just don't I know how to start!" As she stammered out these comments, Cynthia was on the verge of tears in frustration.

Dr. Butler's face was filled with sympathy as she replied, "Believe me, I understand your difficulties and I wish that I could offer concrete help. However, I am a sex therapist, not a matchmaker, and my function is evaluate your situation and to help you understand both the problem and yourself. Actually, the understanding of yourself and your needs is the most important element of the whole process, and I think that you have progressed tremendously since we started. Still, I can certainly understand why you are frustrated and depressed. Unfortunately, all I can do is offer some advice based on what I've learned through training and many years of experience.

"Now, it is very clear that you really need some kind of extramarital sexual relief. The feeling you have about your relationship with your husband will continue to antagonize you, a constant irritant that gets worse as you dwell on it. It's like a grain of sand in your shoe. A minor annoyance builds up until you can't walk, a pain out of all proportion to the size of that irritant. Understand, I am not saying that your husband's rejection is insignificant, just that it will build up in your mind until it overshadows everything else unless you find what you are missing somewhere else. The problem, of course, is how to find it.

"I think it is time for an evaluation of your entire situation. First, you are a quite attractive woman, pretty features, good figure, petite – all things that appeal to men and would virtually assure that discreet propositions would come your way. Yet, you say that it just hasn't happened. Now, you have been married for years, long enough to have three grown children. I have to assume that raising three children, along with a teaching career, left little time for anything else, not even fantasies of outside romantic activities. For years, men have been friends, colleagues, subordinates, superiors, not potential lovers, so your relations with them was actually asexual. Undoubtedly, these men have come to see you as unavailable and uninterested. Add to that, you have risen to a significant position, one in which you hire and fire, discipline students, make difficult decisions, and so on, and a man would think several times before even making a tentative pass.

"So, to overcome this handicap, you must make yourself approachable. When in a situation where something might happen, doesn't dress, think or act like an administrator. Most particular, don't act like a morally or psychologically limited married woman! If you really want something to happen, you have to be available. If a man attracts you, play up to him. Smile at him, talk to him, show your interest, let him know by your attention that you find him attractive. Nothing appeals more to a man than having an attractive woman think that heis attractive. Then, if he does respond with an appealing proposition, don't be shy or hesitant! Don't be afraid to let him know that you are interested!

"The same logic applies if you have a chance to be in a threesome. Frankly, a threesome would be safer and, most likely, at least as satisfying. Unfortunately, opportunities may be even rarer than developing an affair with a man, because it would almost have to be with a couple who are your friends. If the chance should come, however, making yourself available is crucial. There is any number of ways to show interest: modeling a new nightgown if you're staying overnight with them, talking about buying some sexy lingerie and, if they cooperate, letting them talk you into modeling it. Using a swimming pool, as in your fantasy, probably gives the best chance since you already are informally dressed and in a situation where physical contact is expected and where the 'accidental' exposure of, for example, a breast would not be surprising. The important thing is to watch for clues that the others are interested and certainly to do nothing that would discourage them. If they mention nude nighttime swimming, don't equivoque, saying, instead, 'Oh, that would be fun!' The same thing if they have a hot tub and don't wear suits – seem eager to go in, not hesitant and afraid! If they offer the option of wearing suits, don't! In other words, be available and, as with a man, don't be afraid to let them know that you are!

"Finally, sex with another woman. I'm not sure just how to advise you here, because, unlike the other situations, you probably would have to take the initiative. Having the nerve to propose something, to run the risk of rejection – problems men face all the time – makes it very hard. Perhaps you could offer to massage a sore muscle in a leg or arm and, if there is a positive response, move on as the masseuse did in your fantasy. Or, of course, putting sun screen on someone, helping her dress or undress if she has difficulties. Just being casually nude might engender interest. You said that you attend those retreats and conferences with a female friend. That might provide the appropriate intimate setting to discuss sex, particularly bisexual activity, and maybe lead to experimentation.