All Comments on 'D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. Ch. 01 - The Beginning'

When i rate a story that all start at 4 🌟. When a submission is VERY good it earns the fifth star. That being said IMHO, starting out with 4 stars your initial submission was good, than then....

What was said in the first paragraphs was a good setup, too bad it was needlessly repeated in the last paragraphs. -1

Serial stories are a pain in the ass. If your story is complete post all of it, don't tease. If not, wait until you finish and THEN post the whole thing. This isn't a Saturday morning cinema serial. This isn't Flash Gordon, Tarzan or the Lone Ranger. -1

Good beginning!

4

Very poor. You write more about a friend, then suddenly meet someone else who you marry. Then she is cheating .Where is the loving wife and why shouldn't she cheat if he isn't there for her? Read your story to see if it makes sense to you before you publish it.

Don't bother writing any more. You don't seem to know what you are doing.

Your story is all over the place. It doesn't flow.

Nice story but I am trying to figure out what D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. stands for.

There is nothing about this story that is engaging, it reads like a rant. The Author has not bothered to develop his characters in any way, he’s just dumped the reader in the middle of the story without any backstory and said; ‘This is my Mess, here you go empathize with me.’ He believes that we the Reader should simply cry along with him simply because he’s been cheated on. Sorry, that’s not how it works, you could very well have been an asshole, it’s up to you as an Author to prove to us that the ‘Protagonist’ deserves our empathy. At this point your Paranoia although partially under stood, may be part of the problem in the first place. You haven’t convinced the reader that the Antagonist in your story haven’t responded to you out of years of frustration and mistreatment. Without good character development, none of that happens and this story reads like a one sided errant on Facebook about “Poor me, Femanazi’s and Incel Fantasies” Develop your Characters, bring out their humanity, allow the reader to empathize with your Protagonist “Why Should we Care’ ‘Why Should we Invest” you want the reader to believe that the choices your Protagonist has made are reasonable, that they make sense, that given the circumstances we would have done the same. There are times when your main character comes across as just overly paranoid and frankly masochistic. Why didn’t he just divorce her from the beginning and save himself the hurt and expense of buying all the Tech?

Extremely poor story telling . A story needs to flow . What we have here is all over the place .

As to the plot , well , that appears to be a rehash of bad plots and failed storytelling we have all commented on before .

Best advice here is don't continue this , or failing that , at least get several worthy editors on board before posting .

Writing in the present tense doesn’t work well.

Story makes no sense. The guy is "36 years old still in good physical shape. I go to the gym and run to stay in shape." And he is obviously is smart, etc. So why does wife need to cheat?

Then cheating is so brazen as to beyond normal expectations.

Well…THAT was a bit confusing, if interesting. The segue from the intro into the background was all,over the place. What was completely missing was any meaningful sense of his relationship with Vicky before she started cheating, which made the sudden exposition of the cheating something not to care about.

.

But let’s see where this goes….maybe in his execution of his BTB we might find out more about the relationship.

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3 ***

Please no. Do not go on till you take at least a quick course in writing basics.

Might be a classic, unfortunately I'll never know. I lost interest half way through page one, I can't really explain why, everything was just boring, especially the main character telling us at length what a great macho, super guy he is. To my mind he just comes across as a complete knobend.

Not bad. But you didn't mark a clear transition from the present cheating wife, Vicky to restart with the flashback and Gloria. At first, I thought you made a mistake with the names, because you seemed to pick up Gloria in the bar where you entered the back door to spy on Vicky.

The way you told the story bothered me. All in the present tense..'I go in the bar and sit down. If it happened in the past then put it there. It makes it hard to follow the flow of the story. Plus the length. 5K words is a little short to break a story. Edit the story and fill in with enough detail to make it readable and easy to understand. At the 10 to 12K mark, you might break it into a second chapter.

I might try to re-read this and not get lost with the tenses and flow but for now....

Very confusing storyline that had no structure and left no ending. 2 stars

Pass. Suggestion - create a story board BEFORE begining.

Good start.

"Nice story but I am trying to figure out what D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. stands for."

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Really? I got it immediately from "If you like it Thanks, if you don't D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F."

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Do I look like I give a fuck?

.

BTW, it works both ways.

needs an ending make it good btb

Crap

@Anon - "Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?"

How is the husband any different than the wife. Isn't he doing the same thing. Cheating. Contradiction and a hypocrite

For the love of all that is good. Please, please get an editor before you post any further chapters. . Somewhere hidden deep inside this, is a story that has the potential to be good, but it needs so much work before it’s readable.

Your story doesn't make any sense whatsoever. If it were written correctly, it'd be 5 or 6 pages long. It's more like an outline for a story. And what does D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. even stand for? I'm sure I know what the GAF part is but the LL doesn't compute. 1*

Not quite sure what I read here. Need more from the story.

the last part is, Like l Give A Fuck, not sure about the rest.

What is there to like about the characters in this story? Where is the drama? Just another recital of boring sexual encounters.

Hot mess. 1*. Maybe consider outlining your story before you write. This is nearly incomprehensible.

Really?

Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck.

And the story is……….?

This was painful to read. Suggestion: pull it and get a competent editor. If not, don't bother with part two.

We will see where this goes

The constant jumping from present tense to past tense and back again was only one of several irritating foibles demonstrated by this author. It was written with all the passion and emotion of a row of traffic cones then suddenly ended. Twenty minutes of my life I'm never going to get back again, two stars.

>>...I could care less.<< As written, MC tells us he does care because he could, in fact, actually care less than he does now. Sheesh, these giant walls of text are a pain in the ass to read. Honestly, Literotica doesn't charge extra for line breaks and new paragraphs in stories. A good, or even decent writer, always gets a second set of eyes on their work. What sounds perfect in our head when we write might not make much sense to the reader. Why don't you use an editor or at least a beta reader? Are you that think-skinned? Whether you leave this comment will answer this question. Of course, you've already told your readers you don't "G.A.F."

This story hit a brick wall right after the opening. No structure, a stumbling plot, and no grammatical integrity. Crazy present-tense usage, too. Please don't blame Microsoft for writing shortcomings--that's like blaming a spoon for obesity. Writing is an internal skills process. 2/5

‘Could care less’ surely means you care rather a lot, and the opposite of what you mean. Why do americans insist on using the term this way, rather than ‘couldn’t care less’ which means what you want to say. Has anyone an explanation ?

two pages inst a chapter

Okay I like where this is going. You really need to have a little more before leaving us hanging. There's really nothing to hook the reader. He's rich and has everything he needs to nuke the marriage and walk away with everything he wants. There's nothing to make us suspect there's anything out of the ordinary about his situation such as why she is cheating or does she plan on making his life hell if he divorces. He has all the power and has his finger on the trigger and that's where we leave him. If you just abandon this story the story is sufficiently resolved and we will just assume he divorced and moved on. There's no "what about's!" that would leave us wondering what's going to happen. Some stories forget to tie up loose ends but this story as it stands never created any loose ends.

If the next chapter was released the next day and the story starts getting interesting then it could be forgiven but it's been 5 days as of now and there's not enough drama or anything of interest for us to look forward to the next installment. There's stories that I have been waiting for the next installment for months and it's driving me nuts.

I wasn't too bothered by the grammatical issues as others then again I don't pay much attention to those things. Make more of an effort to do better and you'll get there.

Don't get down on the negative comments. They're not wrong but they're all issues you can easily work on. Actually looking at your other stories it seems you have none of these issues and got pretty incredible scores. So I suspect that the issue might have been you just rushed this story. The important thing to note is the respectable score the story has right now. We like the setup we just need conflict.

looking forward to CH2

Dr beulahthemick; Total crap - minus 5. Only confirms to me that when the idiots who sign up in the various services should be shot before they leave as what brain activity they had, has returned to a single brain cell.

Your paragraphs are much too long. Makes for challenging reading.

Do

I

Look

Like

I

Give

A

Fuck

AA+++

Neither here nor there, just ok.

The phrase is " I couldn't care less" not I could care less. Think about it and it will make sense.

Tralan69er, thank you for telling us what the letters stand for. I was hoping the author would have told us somewhere in the lead of the story, or in the story itself.