Dark as Daylight Ch. 18

"There is nothing wrong with my body."

"You are correct. The problem is between your ears. For you to make that radical a transition, you have to totally change your mindset."

"Does that gym owner you know help with that too?"

"You will hate Shelly by the end of the first week. However, I'll make you a deal. I will guarantee you a job, at $10,000 a month, for a minimum of one year, if you sign a one-year contract with the gym. That's how long it will take you to get into shape. You will be taught how to use all forms of knives, how to assemble, disassemble, and shoot a pistol and a rifle like an expert. There is only one caveat. If you quit before the end of the one year period, you must pay me every penny it cost me to send you to the gym."

"How much will it cost me?"

"Are you thinking of quitting already?"

"No."

"Then what are you worried about?"

"Breaking my neck."

"We will write those things into the exclusions of the contract."

"In that case, count me in."

"You can't miss one day of work, either; not one day. You can't call in and say my legs are sore, or my arms won't move. You must be at work every day."

"I want a raise."

"Let's make that $9000 a month."

"You're going the wrong way."

"Was I supposed to say $8000 a month?"

"Stop! Go up to where we started. I'm beginning to get a headache."

"Okay, we are back to $10,000 a month. Those are peacetime wages. The moment the shooting starts, it goes to $10,000 a week. Do you agree?"

"Hell yes!"

"Don't say that with such joy in your heart. If people start shooting at the Colonel, they will not be amateurs. They will be the best there is, and if you make a mistake, you will not live to spend the money you make. We will send it to your parents in your stead."

"That's very nice of you, Paul. Do I get to wear vest?"

"The moment we know the Colonel has become a target, all of us go into full battle gear. That is from a helmet, all the way down to shin protectors. We do not fool around."

"When do we go to the gym?"

"What time do you get off?"

"I get of at 4:30."

"I'll see what they are going to do with the Colonel, and decide what I'm going to do to you this evening."

"Could you say that a little nicer?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

*****************

The technician opened the door and began pulling Lucius out of the examination room.

Hamp jumped, when he saw the gurney was about to bump against the door frame, and stopped it from happening. Then, he started pushing it back towards the Colonel's private cubicle. This time he heard Paul's steady step a few paces behind him.

"Well dad, how did you do?"

"Give me two battalions of motorized infantry and I could defeat this country. If they run it like they run this hospital, it's a farce. It took her over five minutes to get my information into the computer. Once that was done, she was excellent. I never felt the needle enter my body. I heard her push all sorts of buttons, and there was a print out at the end, but this is Canada, Paul, so I guess I have to wait four minutes before they will tell me anything."

"Look at the bright side Colonel, it's approaching noon. We might get lucky, and have to wait until they come back from lunch to hear anything."

"I'm beginning to wish we hadn't put that weapons dealer out of business. We could have scared the shit out of the people in this place."

"They probably would've run home to mommy, and left you all alone."

"You would've stayed with me."

"Of course, I would have stayed. He had more weapons than the entire 101_st Airborne Division down there."

Doctor McCowan was in the room waiting when they arrived.

Lucius said, "I forgot, I'm one of the 14 patients you're allowed to see today."

"That's why you're a Colonel, and Paul is only a Sergeant. Did you enjoy your little session with Robinette?"

"Who the hell is Robinette?"

"The 20-year-old girl, with the blouse open to her navel, and was not wearing a bra, who did your scan."

"If the woman who did my scan is 20, I'm beginning to feel younger every day."

"Who did his scan Hamp?"

"Georgina."

"That's what took you so long. Great nurse, but she can't type worth a damn."

"You can say that again."

"Believe it or not Colonel, I have the results of your exam on the computer."

"It's not possible, not in this hospital."

"You see, Colonel, the computer does not play by hospital rules. When it finishes doing something, it sends the results out right away. It doesn't care what the administrator of the hospitals says, it just does it."

"Good for the computer."

"I couldn't agree more, especially in your case, because you are causing more trouble by the minute. As I suspected from your x-ray, you crushed the posterior fibular artery. I was going to let you stay in the hospital undisturbed until Monday, and have you operated on first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, your leg cannot wait until then. I don't want you to lose your foot. I called our two best surgeons. Paul and I have already discussed this.

Doctor Mark Vassello will be your orthopedic surgeon, and Doctor Albert Finnlandar will be your Vascular surgeon. If they are not in the middle of the Pacific Ocean catching tuna, they here in less than one hour. I am going to have you sent up to your room now, and get you shaved, so you can be more comfortable."

"You don't have to do that Doctor. This small room is big enough for him."

"Paul, I am going to have you running around catching bullets for four months."

"Someone would have to catch them for you, you sure as hell can't hit trees."

"Meg, take this married couple up to room 534, please. Make sure all the China and silverware is put away."

"Yes Doctor."

"Mountain Man, you push the gurney, and follow me."

"Look at that butt, Colonel, I'd follow it anywhere."

"Make this a close order drill, Paul, and could you raise my head so I could see her ass a little better, please?"

"I can tell you're feeling better."

"I told you on the island that I wasn't in pain."

"Dammit that's what I forgot to do."

"What's that Paul?"

"I forgot to kick you."

"Do you know where Mutt and Jeff are?"

"Not a clue sir. I've called, and they did not reply. It is standard weekend pass technique."

"I hope the damn ferry sinks, and they are the only two that drown."

"We could call central station and replace them."

"Who else would entertain us like those two?"

"Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy."

"You had to reach back to the 1940s to find two people that funny?"

"No sir, not funny, that clumsy. Do you realize if we were trying to make a silent approach on a target, we would have to send those to in from the opposite side the attack force was intending to penetrate, to have any chance of success? They have lead feet, and spikes in the souls of their boots. They can't seem to miss anything on the ground. I've tried a thousand times to teach them, and it falls on deaf ears."

"Keep trying Sergeant, after 20 years of beating it into your head, it finally worked on you."

The gurney bumped hard into a doorjamb, and the Colonel slipped to the edge of the gurney.

"Watch where you're going Paul."

"I was, sir."

"You are looking at doing push-ups for the rest of your life."

"It may be your life, sir. Do you see the window at the end of this hallway? It is at the appropriate height for this gurney to hit the ledge, and for you to go sailing through the glass and into eternity."

"Boys, try to be nice. Turn left and go into this room, please. I will get an aide to help undress the hapless Colonel."

"I have to watch this."

"You will die first, Sergeant."

"Megan, I will undress myself."

"Colonel, in this hospital I am a General. I out rank you. You will follow my orders peacefully, or I will have you restrained. Are we going to see eye to eye, or am I going to have trouble with you?"

"I believe we are going to have trouble."

"Paul, is he the one I was supposed to make those two blackout cakes for?"

"Yes Megan, but it doesn't look like you are not going to have to do any baking for a long time."

"Nurse, I yield. What do you want me to do?"

"He must really like blackout cakes."

"You have no idea, Meg. Should we have him shaved from the waist down to limit the possibility of infection?"

"You will die before I leave this hospital, Paul."

"Mr. Canyon, if your blood pressure goes up one point, I am going to restrain you. Do not worry about what your son says, because I am the ultimate authority. Doctors do not run hospitals, nurses do. I am the Head Nurse. Don't bother making any jokes about my position, because I've heard them all. You will suffer as you have never suffered before, if you try."

Lucius looked at her eyes, and finally said, "Yes ma'am."

Paul said, "Holy Shit, he has never backed down to anyone in his life, and he has backed down to a woman. I can't wait to get this out online."

Meg said, "Paul, I have access to potassium hypochlorite. How much would you like?"

"None, thank you."

"That makes two of us Paul."

"Who would've thunk it, Colonel?"

"Colonel, strip, we have a pretty pink gown, just your size, waiting on the bed for you. When you're ready, and aide will shave your left leg from your balls to your toes. If you wish, he will also give you a permanent wave."

"If his head gets too close, blow it off Paul."

"It will be a very tricky shot sir. I might take something important off also."

"I'll trust your aim, and your judgment."

"What's with you two? I'm not sure you could stand to be out of touch with each other for an hour. It would be like withdrawal from heroin."

"One day, when we have the time, we will tell you."

"I'll arrange my schedule to stay with you after his surgery. I have a feeling I'm going to hear some interesting stories."

"You may hear a few. Just make sure you make great blackout cakes."

Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out four $100 bills.

"Meg, buy the best ingredients available. If they don't have them here have been flown in from Seattle by Federal Express. If you don't have the best chocolate, it's a waste of time making the cakes. He will know instantly.

If he likes them, I will give you $10,000. If he really likes them, I will pay you $1000 a month to have one shipped out to us, on Vancouver Island. I believe that's running an extra two miles a day, an extra 500 push-ups, and an hour in the weight room. It's also a lot of smiles on our faces, and even Mr. Grumpy may smile a little more often."

Meg said, "I'm not going to get the ingredients from Seattle. I can get better ingredients from Montréal. They get chocolate from Vienna, and there is none better in the world. I guarantee you he will like it."

"Do you two know I am right here, and can hear everything you're saying?"

"Yes Mr. Canyon, we do know you're there. We tried to stay busy while you changed into your gown. We didn't want to peek, so we gave you some privacy."

"Megan, the only thing wrong with my body is the broken leg. Everything else is in fine working order."

"I knew I was going to have trouble with you. Get into bed."

"Please help me with my leg."

"Is he always a pain in the ass?"

"If I don't tell him that a dozen times a day, he feels neglected."

"Help me get into bed, Paul."

"Leave him alone, I've got him, Paul."

Megan moved the controls on the bed, until they were the perfect height for Lucius. She moved to his side and put his left arm around her neck.

"If you grab my tit, I will bite your wrist. Do we understand each other, Mr. Canyon?"

"Yes nurse."

Megan bent her knees and elevated the Colonel's left leg until it was at a 45° angle to the floor.

"Sit down, Mr. Canyon."

Lucius reached back with his right hand to feel the edge of the bed and began to sit back on it. As he did so, Megan began raising his left leg until it was 90° to the floor.

"Slide towards the head of the bed, please."

Lucius did this with no problem, and reached the adjusted top of the bed in seconds. As he was about to release his arm from around Megan's neck, he pinched the nipple of her left breast, and attempted to move his arm away swiftly.

Megan was quicker. She grabbed his elbow to stop his arms retreat.

"Do you really think you're the only one that tried that, Mr. Canyon?"

"I didn't grab your tit, I squeezed your nipple."

"Does this asshole always try to win arguments by using circular logic?"

"Is that what that's called, Megan? I always thought it was stupidity."

"I don't know how many push-ups you owe me, but you better start doing them, because there are not enough hours in the day for you to finish them."

"There are other nurses in this hospital that may not turn down $10 million, the home on the island, and the vacation home on Tahiti for 37 mg of potassium hypochlorite, and a needle. You have to sleep sometime."

"Are you two sure you like each other?"

"No, but we would die for each other."

"Now that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?"

"When you bring us the blackout cakes, we will tell you about it, Megan."

"The stories better be very good, because my blackout cakes are a lot of work. They are not like the store-bought ones."

***********************

Jemma was sitting in the den reading the magazine she owned and published, while William was playing simultaneous games of chess with Jessica and little Jemma.

It was a normal Saturday morning in their household, and the mood was light. Light that is, until she took a closer look at her husband. He seemed pale and he was perspiring. How does anyone perspire in a cool air-conditioned room?

Without arousing suspicion, she stood up put her magazine, walked into her office, and closed the door. She opened her cell phone and decided to give William's cardiologist a heart attack, before William had one.

She scrolled down her phonebook and found Doctor Manolo Braverman's number. There was no better cardiologist in the United States, or Europe. William's money had brought him back to NYU as part of a grant to the hospitals cardiac care unit. Jemma was going to bring him to the hospital today. She hit the button, and heard the telephone start ringing. Once -- twice -- three times!

"Braverman!"

"Manolo, what took you so long to answer the fucking phone?"

"Who is this, and if it's not God I'm going to kill you. I was on eighth level of Agents and Saboteurs, and I was about to win, and go to level IX. I had to freeze the program at that point, and I will never get it to start at there again."

"This is Jemma Zabo, and if anyone is going to die today, it is going to be you if you are not at NYU in 30 minutes. William does not look good. He is very pale and his perspiring profusely. We will be leaving here in five minutes and we will be at the hospital in 30 minutes. If you are not inside the emergency room door when we walk in, your life expectancy is zero. Are we on the same page Doctor?"

"Yes Mrs. Zabo, I'm on my way."

"It's been a pleasure talking to you Doctor."

All she heard was a click.

She opened her office door, and yelled "Audrey, Helen get ready to take the girls shopping. Take them to Bloomingdale's and get them enough clothing for a month with their uncle Patrick, in Houston. Get clothing for yourselves, also, and put it on the card, because you will be going with them.

She walked into the den and said to the girls, "Stop depressing your father by beating him at his favorite game. Get dressed, you're going clothes shopping for your trip to uncle Patrick."

The girls shouted, "SHOPPING!"

They removed the chess boards and carefully replace them in the armoire. They moved to their father and simultaneously kissed him on his cheeks.

Little Jemma said, "Sorry dad, but mom is sending us on a difficult and time consuming errand. We will see you later tonight."

"I know my little dears, because your mother yelled the information into my ear. I don't have to tell you to be good, because you always are. You know my instructions; spend lots of money, but don't buy something you're not sure of. If you're not sure of it in the store and bring it home, it will more than likely go back. If it goes back, you get to spend less money the next time you go shopping."

"Yes daddy, we know. It's the same instructions every time we go shopping. It's also the same instructions uncle William gives Hannah, Christina, and Robert. Uncle William is a tyrant."

"He is not; he's just like me."

"I told you he would fall into the trap, without us getting in trouble, Jessica."

"You are a genius, and you are almost just as smart as me now."

"I am smarter than you are."

"You are..."

"Girls, you will stop that right now. Go to your rooms and change; otherwise your mother will blame me for keeping you here on purpose."

"Isn't it the truth, daddy?"

"Leave, now."

"Yes daddy, I love you."

"I love you too, daddy."

"Thank you my loves."

Jemma walked into the room and screamed at William, "Why aren't you dressed?"

"Where are we going?"

"I told you we were going out, now get dressed."

"Jemma, where are we going?"

"Do you want me to tell you the truth, so we can start arguing now, or do you want me to lie to you so we can argue later."

"Can I think about that?"

"Of course, you can. Think about it while you're getting dressed."

"I think you better lie to me."

"We are going to the Freedom Tower for brunch."

"That is a suit and tie lie."

"If you are putting on a suit and tie, I will put on a dress."

"So, you changed your mind?"

"You could say that."

"What were you going to put on under it?"

"Do you want the truth or another lie?"

"Let's go for lie number two."

"I was going to wear a size 0 pair of spandex shorts, and a Bando top."

"You would still look wonderful in that outfit."

"No one gave you permission to lie."

"I wasn't lying."

"Go to our room and get changed. I will be up shortly."

"You could come up now, and we could be late leaving."

"We will be out of this house in 10 minutes."

"I like my way better."

"Move it."

"Yes dear."

She watched him start climbing the stairs and yelled, "Stop moving like an old man, dammit."

He turned to her, and smiled.

"Just in case you haven't looked at my birth certificate lately, I am an old man."

"No, you're not. You promised not to die until you are 130 years old. So, act like the middle-aged man you are supposed to be."

As he was close enough to their bedroom door for safety, he yelled, "Come to bed with me, and I will."

"You old goat, get changed already."

He bayhed like a goat at her, and closed the door, before she threw something metallic at him.

As soon as she had privacy she called their son.

"What's up, mom?"

"I'm taking dad to the hospital. He is very pale, and he sweating for no reason. I don't like it William, I'm very worried. I called his cardiologist, and he's on his way there. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I don't like it at all."

"Take it easy mom, Gwen heard what you said and she's on her way over. I'll be there in three minutes."

"Get dressed first."

"Mom, we've had our three children. We even talk while we were in bed now."

"Well, it's about time."

"The sheets stay cleaner too."

"Don't joke with me now, William, just get over here."

"There's this new thing called speakerphones, mom, I've been getting dressed, while I've been talking to you."

"Wise ass!"

The agent opened the basement door and Gwen flew through. She raced up to the main floor and took Jemma in her arms.

"Look at me, mom."

"Why?"

"I don't have my blood pressure cuff and stethoscope with me. I want to see how high your blood pressure is. The veins and arteries in your eyes will tell me."