Dear Mother: The Search

The woman that answered the door was older than I expected. She had grey hair pulled back into a bun and wore one of those print dresses that most old ladies wear these days. She did have a nice face with a smile and I didn't have much trouble introducing myself.

"Hello, Aunt ... I mean Mrs. Davis. My name is Ron Francis and my mother is Helen Francis." I said in my most polite voice.

"Well ... this is a surprise. Hello Ronald ... I haven't seen you in ages. Come in ... please, come in." she said brightly.

I walked into the house and immediately felt at home. Perhaps it was the furniture and decorations that were so much like our home or maybe it was the smell, but it felt good whatever it was. Aunt Hilda surprised me by giving me a big hug after she had closed the door and I didn't know what to say or do.

"Sit down Ronald." she said directly. "This is a wonderful surprise. I didn't expect you at all." She wasn't upset about my being there but I'm sure she had a million questions. I thought I'd better tell her why I had come.

"I'm looking for Mom. I got a letter from her and she had this address on the envelope, so I was hoping she would be here." I blurted out.

"Oh, Ronald, I'm so sorry. She was here for a few weeks, but she moved on. She was looking for a job and I think she went to Portland but I'm not sure. I haven't heard from her in months." I didn't have any doubt that she was sorry that I had missed her, but I could tell she wanted to know more. In the meantime, I had let out an audible sigh and slumped back in the sofa. I guess my face told her how disappointed I was.

"Do you think you might hear from her?" I asked. "Didn't she send a Christmas Card?" I was desperate for any clue on where to look next.

"Ronald, your mother was very upset and unhappy when she was here. Something very bad had happened to her and she wouldn't talk about it. Can you tell me what happened?" she asked searchingly.

I gave her a short version of what had happened from my discovering her affair with Mr. Robinson to my Dad throwing her out and divorcing her and then my discovery of the dirty trick my Dad had played on her. I told her I wanted to find her and apologize and try and make it up to her. I didn't want her to think I didn't love her.

Aunt Hilda was in tears when I finished the story and she came and sat beside me on the sofa and hugged me to her side.

"Oh Ronald, that is so sad. I'm so sorry for you. If there's anything I can do to help, you can count on me." she said sincerely.

We sat on the sofa for quite a while and talked. I told her about my scholarship to Oregon State and how I was doing and I even told her about my girlfriend Penny. I guess she got the idea I was pretty lonely because she insisted I stay for dinner and overnight before I headed back to Corvallis. I wasn't going to argue. She was a nice lady and I was happy to have someone to talk to, even for a day.

The dinner was great and the first home-cooked meal I'd had in months. The smells in the kitchen were wonderful and I caught myself wishing I was home and with my Mom and Dad together. I had to snap myself out of it. I knew that was never going to happen.

Aunt Hilda told me that Mom had gone back to her maiden name, Markham. That was a help. At least I'd know what name to look for. She hadn't been gone long enough to have her name listed in the phone book, but we talked about other places I could look for information. Salem was the state capitol and maybe their information department would have some ideas where I could look. If she had a phone or was registered to vote, that information was held somewhere in a record. She also suggested putting an ad in the paper telling her that I was looking for her and to contact Aunt Hilda for more information. Calling the dorm was no good. Aunt Hilda was someone Mom trusted and that was the best place for her to contact me.

On Friday, I went to the Capitol building and headed for the information counter. I got nowhere! If they knew anything or had any suggestions, I wasn't going to hear them. They must have thought it was some college prank and just ignored me. On top of that, most of the main people in the Capitol were gone for the holidays and I couldn't stay until after New Years until they came back to work on the hope that one of them would take me seriously. I was stuck and I wondered what to do next. We had a road trip to Portland State in early February, so maybe I would have a chance to look for her then. I phoned Aunt Hilda and thanked her for her hospitality and her promise that if she heard anything from or about my mother, she would let me know right away.

Chapter Three: The Party

When I got back to the campus on Friday night I discovered someone had organized an "Orphans Party". I had no idea what it was about, but any party at this point was OK with me. Apparently I wasn't the only person on my own over Christmas and New Years and the idea was to get anyone who wanted to have some fun and company to come to the Mt. Hood dorm and join in on the party. BYOB was the only part I didn't understand, but when I got there, the party was in full swing. There must have been thirty or forty of us; boys and girls, frosh, sophs, juniors and seniors alike. It didn't matter; we were all orphans that night.

I found out BYOB meant Bring Your Own Bottle. I didn't drink booze and I was too young anyway, so I brought a six pack of cokes just to have something to bring. Most of the people brought food they had made or been given over Christmas and when I saw that I beetled back to my room. Aunt Hilda had given me all kinds of goodies like cookies, tarts and candy to take back with me and while I left a few things behind for myself, I was happy I had something I could share.

It was the best party I think I'd ever been to. I met all kinds of people including some cute girls and we had plenty to eat and drink. Someone shared some dark rum with me and I had my first rum and coke ever. Then I had my second. I might have even had a third, but I couldn't remember. I just remember laughing a lot and kissing some girls and laughing some more. I wasn't lonely any more and I had made some new friends; even if it was only for that night.

I don't know when the party broke up but I must have been really late. I do remember waking up on Saturday morning with a really bad headache. I searched around our tiny bathroom, but I couldn't find any aspirin. I wandered down the hall until I found someone else and bummed a couple of aspirin from them. I don't think I even knew who he was. I do remember the night before agreeing that we would do it all again on New Years Eve. I made myself a promise to do two things differently; stay sober and buy some aspirins. On the other hand, I also made myself a promise I was going to have just as much fun as I did Friday night.

Chapter Four: A New Lady in Town

When the first year ended, I had passed all my classes and was ready to move on as a sophomore. I also figured that since almost a quarter of the team had been seniors, I would finally become a regular on the team. My swim coach along with some alumni had organized a job search and I was lucky enough to get a summer job in Albany, only five miles from Corvallis. It was boring and I didn't earn very much, but it kept me in snacks and movie money as well as my next set of books for September. I had been keeping in touch with Aunt Hilda every so often, but she hadn't heard anything from Mom. I decided to get a jump start on the new school year and enrolled in a couple of courses that were offered over the summer. It turned out to be a smart move. By the end of the summer, I already had six credits and it took the load off my studies.

That turned out to be a bit of good luck that I didn't appreciate until September rolled around and the two swim teams got together for the traditional "meet and greet" social. When I first saw Elizabeth Johnstone, I thought I had seen my first movie star. She was beautiful. She was tall and had beautiful broad shoulders and lovely hips and when she walked in those tight skirts she liked to wear, there wasn't a wrinkle anywhere possible on that lovely bum. She had a nice chest too and sleek, dark brown hair pulled back into what I had heard girls call a French Roll. Whatever it was, though, only emphasized the one feature that was her most stunning; her eyes. They were brown and almond shaped; almost oriental. She had thin eyebrows and she must have used makeup to have those eyes look so amazing.

She was a frosh and since I was now a soph, I made a beeline for her as soon as I could. I figured I'd have to stand in line to even get to introduce myself, but that wasn't the case. I think it was because she gave off some signals about being a bit cool. I of course, being the insensitive nerd that I was, failed to notice these signals and marched right up to her.

"Hi, my name is Ron Francis. I'm on the swim team too." I said, realizing immediately that I was stating the obvious.

She looked at me with those eyes but I couldn't tell what the message was just yet.

"I'm Elizabeth Johnstone." she said without a hint of a smile.

"I'm from Aberdeen, Iowa." I volunteered. "How about you?"

"West Vancouver ... it's in B.C. ... Canada." again with the deadpan face.

"I'd be happy to show you around the campus ... help you get settled ... if you'd like." I was struggling to get this conversation going and not doing very well.

She looked at me with that inscrutable face for a moment and then, out of nowhere, she smiled and I was a dead man. "That would be nice, "she said lightly. "I'm kind of nervous. I've never been away from home ... on my own I mean ... except for Girl Guide Camp, but that doesn't count." Once she got started, she just let it all out. I guess I must have been smiling as well because she was looking at me and she was still smiling.

"It can be pretty lonely here if you don't have friends." I started. "I was lucky. I got a great roommate in my first year and we've asked to share a room again this year. He's a foreigner too ... he's from Hungary." I blurted out.

I thought I had said something really cool. She turned and looked at me with a scowl on her lovely face. "Is that how you think of me ... a foreigner?" she demanded.

"Uh ... No! No! ... I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." I gasped. Jesus, talk about stupid. I get this beautiful girl to let me show her around and I immediately step in the dog dung.

She looked at me closely for a moment or two and then, once again the smile was back on her face. "So, do I talk funny or something?" she asked.

"No! No! ... of course not." I was near panic now. I willed myself to calm down and to shut up before I said something else stupid.

As I sneaked a look at her face while we stood beside each other, I could see a sly smile on her face. I let my breath out and leaned back against the wall. It was the signal for her to snort a big guffaw and then put her hand over her mouth and look at me. There was laughter in her eyes and I immediately knew this was the girl for me. Penny who?

"So tell me everything you know about Canadians, Ron." she challenged with a smirk.

"Uh, nothing ... I mean nothing special. I know we speak the same language and we both live in a democracy and we both drive cars made in America ... you know ... that kind of stuff."

"So, do you think we live in igloos and eat raw fish all the time?" she deadpanned.

"No! No! At least, I don't think so. I never saw any Eskimos that looked as pretty as you." I said, trying to salvage at least a bit of my vanishing confidence.

"I bet I know more about your country than you know about mine." she challenged without a hint of arrogance.

"Uh ... I don't think I'll take that bet. You sound pretty smart to me. I'm pretty dumb when it comes to knowing about other countries. Besides, I'd never been outside of Iowa until I got this scholarship. At least with the road trips I get to see a bit more of the country." I had the feeling I was getting back on even terms with her again and I would be smart to shut up and let her tell me about herself.

"Well, my parents go to Palm Springs in the winter for a vacation and we've been to Hawaii too. I want to go to Europe some day. I want to travel when I get the chance. You know ... see the Pyramids and Victoria Falls and London Bridge and places like that."

Her parents were obviously well off if she could go to Hawaii and Palm Springs. My "poor boy" status wasn't likely to impress her. I had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't want to waste a lot of time on someone like me if I couldn't show her a good time. I think she must have detected my change in mood.

"Do you get to see your parents much, Ron?" she asked.

"No ... no I don't." I answered without elaboration.

"Oh ... that's too bad. Is it because they're so far away?" she asked.

"No ... no ... it's a long story." I said quietly. I didn't want to ruin a nice afternoon with my tale of woe. This girl wasn't likely to be attracted to me anyway, so why rush the inevitable.

"Oh ... sorry ... I didn't mean to be nosy." she said sincerely.

"That's OK." I said, hoping that would end it.

"Do you have a girl friend here or at home?" she asked.

"No ... I mean ... I did at home but she's going to college there and we haven't been in touch much lately. I think it's hard for her to hope I'll be home some day and we can pick up where we left off. I wrote her and told her to start seeing other guys and not worry about me. She didn't write me back, so I don't think ... well ... I don't know what to think." I finished.

"Oh, I'm sorry Ron. That's hard. You must be lonely with no family and no girlfriend. Maybe we can be friends." She said it so calmly and so sincerely I almost couldn't believe I'd heard it. I turned and looked at her with I'm sure what must have been a stunned look on my face.

"You mean that?" I asked.

"Of course. I saw you when you first came into the room and I thought you had a nice look about you. I was really glad when you came over and introduced yourself to me. I was scared at first. I didn't know what to say ... but ... you made it easy. You were nervous too. I felt better then." I couldn't quite follow the logic, but I knew she was telling me she liked being with me and that was enough. I must have had a goofy grin on my face because I thought she was going to laugh again.

"Why are you so surprised? You're a good looking guy. Any girl would be happy to be with you once they got to know you." she said simply.

"I'm ... surprised I guess ... and ... flattered. I never thought of myself as anything special; just another hick from Iowa at the big college campus." I stammered.

"Maybe that's what I like about you. No superior attitude and no jock stuff. You act just like you!" she said pointedly. "Some girls like that stuff you know." she said with a smile.

"Some girls?" I said with a big grin on my face. "Lucky for me, you're one of those girls."

We spent the rest of the day together and ate dinner together in the Dining Hall that evening. It was the beginning of the best days of my College life. She asked me to call her Liz because only her close friends were allowed to call her that. I had graduated to close friend in one day and that was very good for my ego.

Liz boosted my confidence in myself and it began to show in other things. I discovered that she had an ambition to qualify for the Canadian National Swim Team and she was very serious about her training. As we spent more time together, she and I put in the extra effort to help both of us improve and improve we did. My times dropped noticeably and the coach was now putting me at anchor on a couple of the relay teams during practices. Liz always was fast in the sprints and according to the information she had, she would probably qualify for her national team. The trials were in her home town Vancouver, at the University Pool in July. It was perfect for her because she could train during the summer and not miss any school. I already knew I would miss her over the summer, but she would be back for her sophomore year and my junior year and we would be together again.

Liz struggled a bit during the first semester getting used to college life. She was a bright girl and a good student, but with the demands of the swim team and adapting to being on her own, she was feeling the pressure. Luckily, with six credits already in my pocket, I could afford to help her and we often met in the library and studied together. I coached her whenever I could and was a cheerleader for her as she began to improve her grades. She never failed to tell me how much she appreciated my being there. We had become very close and we were truly boyfriend and girlfriend. We had pretty much done everything except gone all the way and I wondered when that would happen.

In October, I received a letter from Penny. I was almost afraid to open it. I wondered what I would do if she said she still wanted me to be her boyfriend. I was pretty sure I was falling in love with Liz but I felt an obligation to Penny. This could be a big problem, I thought. Finally, I opened the envelope and began to read the letter.

Dear Ron: I have been trying to write this letter for a long time. Now I know how your mother must have felt when she wrote her letter to you. I have missed you very much in the past year and when I got your letter telling me to look for someone else, I was very upset. It was as if you were telling me you didn't want me any more. It hurt and yet I understood what you were telling me. The truth is, I don't think I can last another three years by myself. I didn't realize how important it was to have a close friend like you and I guess I still need someone like that. I need someone that I could share my secrets with and hold onto. A girlfriend just isn't the same. I am dating another boy at college. We started going out together this summer when I met him at my summer job. His name is Jim Blake and he is in a lot of the same classes that I go to. He is very nice and polite. A lot like you I guess, but he isn't an athlete. He wants to be a writer for a newspaper or magazine and so we have a lot in common. I'm sorry if this upsets you. I don't want to hurt you, but I have been lonely and you did suggest I look for someone. I hope you won't be angry with me. I hope you are doing well in Oregon and I wish you all the best. You were very important to me and I am glad you were my friend. I won't forget you.

Your good friend, Penny

I must have read the letter five or six times. I didn't know how I felt about it. I was upset and felt badly that she had been dating another guy, but after all, I did tell her to go ahead. How could I be upset? Besides, I had Liz and she was everything any guy could ever want. So why did I feel so crummy? I guess I'll never understand how emotions work. Even though I got top honors in Psychology last year, I still didn't understand much about behavior. I had a lot of growing up to do and I guess the good news was that at least I knew that.

I got over the letter fairly quickly and promised myself that I would write a nice letter to Penny telling her I understood and wishing her the best. It took me a while to get around to writing that letter, but I did and strangely, I felt a lot better after I put it in the mailbox on The Common. That part of my life was over and now I was living a different life with different people. I was thanking my lucky stars for Liz. She was the glue that was keeping me together.

Liz went home for Christmas and New Years and once again I was on my own for the ten days or so that we were off. There were a couple of "Orphan Parties" and while I attended them, without Liz I just didn't have as much fun as I did that first year. I phoned Aunt Hilda, and she invited me to her place for a couple of days between the two holidays. It made a nice change and once again I was reminded how good it was to be in a comfortable home with lovely cooking smells. Aunt Hilda said that next year I should plan on being with her for all the holidays and we would make it a proper Christmas. I thanked her and said I would look forward to that. She was a really nice lady and I was very happy to have her as my honorary Aunt.