Find a Way to My Heart

"Oh I don't think..." I broke in. I wanted no blind dates. Not yet. I wasn't even remotely ready. Or even thinking about it.

"Don't think it's a blind date, because it's not. It's just someone else who is going to the party. She's not with you. God knows, you could never get someone as good as her," laughed Barb, weakly, trying to smile and turn the moment around.

"Well, he did get Auggie," said Chuck, mildly.

Barb considered that. "True, I suppose. But it was a moment's weakness on her part that she more than paid for, for the past years. Other women will see him much more for what he is."

"I dunno, Barb. I think our boy here could punch harder than you think," replied Chuck, carefully.

"Well, fifty bucks says no. Put your money where your mouth is, Mr. Moneybags."

"I'm sitting right here," I protested, weakly.

"You shut up. This is between me and the hopeless optimist here," replied Barb, cuttingly, not even looking at me.

The moment had been well and truly turned. We were all laughing now, and it was so well done on their part. I decided to just acquiesce and go with the flow. I actually chuckled, not something I'd done much of in the past few months.

"Fine. I want in on that action. Fifty says..." says what? I wondered. I wasn't looking for a date. God knows I couldn't do that. Think quick!

"Fifty says that when I'm ready, I can pick one that you'll both approve of," I ended, lamely.

Barb sucked her teeth, and then said, "What do you think Chuck? Think this lump of lard could do it?"

Chuck squared his shoulders. "I am with my man here. He can do it. He needs a good grooming session first, though, those three-day whiskers are so nineteen eighty-eight, and he needs some new duds, but he can come through. I'll take that action. We'll see this weekend. You'll see."

Wait. What happened? Did I somehow agree to this party? What?

"Okay, now, I need a beer. We are here, and it's thirsty work keeping you from sticking your head in the oven," joked Chuck. Barb sent him a warning look.

"What? Look, we need to be able to laugh about this. Or he'll be right back at the bottom of the well."

I sighed, and got up and went into the kitchen, looked in the fridge, and found two Land Shark beers. I grabbed both, and grabbed one of the wine coolers that Auggie drank, left over, and took them back to Chuck and Barb.

Barb accepted hers with grace, but Chuck wrinkled his face at being handed the Land Shark.

"I come all this way to pull you out of your doldrums, and this is all you have for me? What the fuck, dude?" he demanded.

I sat down, put the beer on the table next to the love seat, took a deep breath, leaned forward and, staring intently at Chuck, hissed, "If. You. Don't. Like. It. Get. Your. Fuckin'. Own."

He stared at me, and then suddenly his eyes creased up and he burst out laughing.

"He's still in there. Told you Barb. A sense of humor. See? Told ya."

I laughed along with him, and it felt... it felt good. First time I'd laughed in... I don't know how long.

I was just suddenly so grateful to these people. They'd not let go of me. Never let up. We all need friends like that in our lives.

I just had it wash over me and I had to get up, go over and just gather them up in a hug, with more tears down my face, but for completely different reasons.

We sat there, just hugging for a moment, and then Chuck said, muffled, "Look, this is great, but I need the bathroom," which was the perfect thing to say, and we all cracked up.

I went to the party. Barb and Chuck had been firm that the kids had to be at Irv's, since they had no idea when we'd be back, but it would be late. We had to bring our own booze if we wanted something to drink in particular, so I brought a twelve pack of Land Shark, ignoring Chucks wince when I put it in the trunk. Fuck him and his fancy beers. I liked Land Shark. His disapproval just meant there would be more for me, because he wouldn't be stealing any. Chuck was entirely untrustworthy around beer he liked, I had learned, to my cost.

We drove for a bit, then swung by an apartment complex, a nice one, where Barb was on the phone, and then suddenly the other door on their SUV opened and a woman got in. Nice looking. Dark hair, long and wavy, like Jaclyn Smith in the original Charlies Angels. Hell, Dad may have been a drugged-up hippie, but he knew a good-looking woman when he saw one.

She smiled at me brightly and said, "Hi! I'm Deb. You must be Jonas? I guess I'm your date for the night?"

I turned and looked daggers at Chuck, who shrugged and pointed at Barb, who looked smug.

"I... er..." I stammered.

"Oh, don't worry. It's not a Date Date. I'm just your plus one. Or, you are mine. Either way, it works," she said, with a lot of bounce in her voice. She was just this side of Valley girl, which was incongruous coming as it did from a woman obviously in her mid-thirties.

She spent the rest of the drive bringing me up to speed on her life. She was an airline attendant, did the Dallas DC run, and sometimes international runs. She was just about to get seniority to start pitching for the international runs, and she would prefer Europe, but Japan would do, too. She was thirty-four, she loved these parties, the people there were soooooo nice. She was single, not by choice, but as a side effect of her occupation. Her favorite band was Twenty-One Pilots, although she was also fond of My Chemical Romance. She lived with two other girls, and she wasn't wearing a bra, "because they are too itchy with the dress she was wearing," which rang true since she was wearing a topless dress, with an open back, slit high on one side of her thighs. They were very smooth, I couldn't help noticing. When I realized I was looking, the familiar guilt at betraying Auggie took hold and it didn't take much to move my gaze.

She obviously knew who I was and had been primed on my situation, for which I was grateful. Explaining my life would take too long and be a touch too raw, just yet.

I was wondering what the whole "plus one" meant, and trying to work out a way to ask without sounding like a total idiot, when we arrived.

It was a nice house, that was for sure. Stand alone, lots of space around it, sitting on at least an acre lot. Brightly lit, I could make out that there were lights strung around the back garden, even though there was a privacy fence surrounding the property.

"Okay, we're here," said Barb, un-necessarily, and slapping her legs in an effort to promote activity.

She leaned around and turned to me. "Okay, Jonas, the hosts are Rob and Mary. Rob and Mary are university professors, but young ones and not at all stuffy. There'll be probably six or seven other couples here, depending on who is around. Bring the drinks and put them in the kitchen. I'll take you around and introduce you. Don't show us up."

She smiled as she said the last. "They do all know about your situation. No one will be asking you about it, alright? Just... relax, have a few drinks and have fun."

We went inside, and I'm ashamed to say, my radar didn't ping at all, and it should have done by now. All Couples? Very selective of who is invited? Debs dressed as provocatively as she was?

When we got out of the car, I got to see what Barb was wearing too -- a short leather skirt and black hose, plus high heels. She was wearing a dinner jacket that was closed, with what looked like some kind of bodice top. More revealing attire than we, - no, I now, - normally saw her in.

But still no penny dropping for me.

We went inside the house, which was very tastefully set up. Some vintage furniture, lots of paintings or photos on the walls, lots of books in various shelves, some color coordination, but an eclectic different set of furniture with no overall theme, apart from comfort, a very lived in house. Auggie would have loved it.

We were met by Mary and Rob, who introduced themselves to me. Rob was an older guy, in his early fifties, and Mary was a very fit brunette, also older, but looking way younger than she might. Well made up, slim, a runners build, and nicely dressed: an off one shoulder top and a short pencil skirt. Chestnut hair coiled around her neck, invitingly.

"So you are Jonas! How nice to meet you Jonas. Welcome to the party!" Mary exclaimed, a big smile on her face.

"Nice to meet you," added Rob, sticking out his hand. It was a hard-manly hand shake. He was slimly built, salt and pepper short hair, and looked every inch the college professor, excepting he was well dressed. No jackets with leather patches on the elbows for Rob, it seemed.

"Come on it, let me show you around. Hey, Chuck? Put those in the kitchen. You know where," he said, nodding at Chuck who was loaded up with all the beer and drinks.

Mary stayed to greet Chuck and Barb, with a long embrace for Barb. I did stare a little, but then followed Rob as he showed me around the house.

"Do you smoke, Jonas?" he asked, after showing me the kitchen and where the bathrooms were.

"Not really. A cigar on a very special occasion, that's about it."

"Okay, well, I have some good cigars. We can sit outside later, if you like? Have a puff on one?"

"Sure, yeah, why not"? I answered. If I was going to try and have a good time, it seemed like this would be a good way to do so.

Debs entered the house, squealed and then ran around hugging everyone, and in some cases, almost making out with them. I wandered into the kitchen, grabbed a beer, and then went to find Barb.

She was talking with another couple, and the moment I showed up, she introduced me. I didn't really remember the names of most of the people at this party. The drinks flowed, there was music, a little dancing, everyone was very friendly. Only one woman put her hand on my arm and said, solemnly, "I'm really sorry for your loss," but that was the extent of how it was mentioned.

I talked to lot of different people, made surface conversation and just tried to get a feel for the shape of the party. Was this a wine tasting event, a frat party, a "welcome to the new college colleague" kind of party, or what? I never did really figure out an answer.

Later on in the evening, it started to get weird.

I had noticed that all the women were wearing quite alluring outfits. Not slutty, exactly, but about as far as you could get in a normal way before you hit slutty. If there was a buffer zone between nice casual and slut, they were all squarely in it.

And the dances, almost no one seemed to dance with their own partner. Debs did a tour of all the guys, and some of the slow ones seemed... well, if it had been my wife, I'd have had words with the guy with whom she was dancing. Hands were placed where I wouldn't have allowed it, for example, but no one here bat an eye lid.

Then I went to the bathroom and caught Barb and Rob making out and I just couldn't let that go.

"What the... What's going on here?" I demanded, as I walked out of the bathroom.

"Shit, okay, right... need to deal with this. It's time he knew what was what," said Barb to Rob, who nodded and smiled at me.

"It's all good, Jonas. Chuck is aware, and fine. He's probably making out with Debs or Mary," he said, smiling. "Go take him outside and give him the lowdown, Barb. I'll let everyone know what you're doing."

Barb nodded at him, let go of the embrace they were in, grabbed my hand and led me outside.

She sat down in a lawn chair and gestured at me to take another one, moving it so it was facing her.

"Okay. So here's where the rubber meets the road. Right. Well, you've probably noticed already that everyone here is... friendly, with each other, right? The women, a bit more provocatively dressed than you might expect?"

I just nodded. I had an idea of where this was going now. If I was right... hoooo, boy. That would be something new, for sure.

"Right, well... shit. Don't know how else to say this. This is a... well, it's sharing party." She put special emphasis on the "sharing" part of the pronouncement.

"So... I should have brought my car keys then?" I asked. I was surprised I wasn't more outraged than I was. If Auggie had been there, we would have been out of there by then.

"How very nineteen seventies of you," answered Barb, sardonically, but still with a grin.

"Look, it's a controlled environment. Everyone here is carefully vetted. No single guys. You, as you may have guessed, are here as Debs plus one. Single women are allowed, but we look into them carefully. They are stretching the rules to have you here, so please, don't get all social warrior on me?"

She was half pleading and half demanding.

For some reason, I found the whole thing vastly amusing. Who would have known there was this nest of swingers in a North Dallas suburb? Certainly not me.

"So, why am I here?" I asked, the sixty-four million dollar question.

"Oh, come on, Jonas. Don't be dense," she replied, a little impatiently. "Look, I think it's no secret that you've been very depressed and down since we all lost Auggie. It's been months, and you aren't getting out. You aren't meeting anyone. You aren't doing anything apart from being home with your kids. Chuck told me about your... problem."

I looked away at that, and shifted uncomfortably. I did not want to be having this conversation in this way.

"No, look at me, Jonas. It's not healthy. You know that, deep down. You cannot spend your entire life looking back. God knows Auggie would kick your ass if she were here. I'm sure this probably isn't the solution that she would have recommended, but we need to do something. Neither Chuck nor I will watch you just wither and die on the vine. Auggie died, and it sucks, out loud for sure, but you didn't, and you need to start living again."

"So, me getting my jollies with this bunch will solve that?" I asked, more sharply than I intended. Barb recoiled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to come out like that," I apologized, instantly. Barb was a good friend and I had no right to antagonize her.

"It's just... I don't think I'm ready for any relationship right now," I added, lamely.

"Right. Yes, you aren't," she agreed, nodding, with a hint of a smile back on her face. "And that's exactly the point. There is no relationship here. This is... I dunno, getting laid. This is the ultimate friends with benefits situation. No one here is going to fall in love with anyone else. Sure, they like each other, but the entire point is that everyone knows who they are going home with. The relationships here are stable. They are... free enough, to share, swap, have a good time and think nothing of it more than that, because it's not. There is no sneaking around, no lying, everyone has a good time, and several people get their fantasies lived out.

"The whole point of the exercise here is that you can... get your jollies, as you say, with no repercussions. There's no long-term relationship, you aren't dating, you don't have to make yourself "single person" interesting, or be worrying too much about calling anyone the next day. It's just a nice place, some friends, who are capable of getting physical with each other with no more involvement than that. The fact is, you can relax, get laid and not worry about any kind of relationship."

"And that'll fix things, will it?" I was still being a little sarcastic, but Barb was not about to let me off the hook.

"Don't be silly, Jonas. No one is suggesting that. This isn't a solution. It's a celebration. Life goes on. Maybe it'll put a spring in your step. Maybe it'll make you look at life again. At the very least, it would be some sexual memories that don't involve Auggie, and your subconscious would allow you to replay later. Is that such a bad thing? What do you think Auggie would say?"

That was a toughie. I honestly had no clue what Auggie would have said. She'd have been curious, for sure, but mostly from a more anthropological point of view, than anything.

We took our wedding vows seriously. Of course, we knew there were people out there who were more... flexible, than we were, but we, I, never expected to actually meet any, let alone get invited to their parties.

Could I be one of those people? On the other hand... I was alone now. I had no one else to be true to, except the memory of Auggie.

"So, you... and Chuck, you...with other people?" I had to admit some curiosity about that. We'd never had a hint of this side of their relationship in all the years we'd known them.

"Sure," replied Barb, cheerfully. "Look, I know it's not for everyone. In fact, it's not for most people, but it's not wrong if both are aware and understand each other. If we are both accepting, and so is everyone else, who are we hurting? Chuck and I don't love each other any less. It's contained, and never outside of the walls of a party.

"There are rules, and we agree to abide by them, for the sake of our relationship and others. We only ever party at one of these events, never one-on-one outside. No dates, no lunches with individuals, no one-on-one, ever. Generally, spouses ask the other before zipping off to play. Most of the time, it's one-on-one, although that might change based on situation. Birthdays, for example. The bedrooms upstairs are where it happens, not down here; no one is screwing in the pool, for example. Very unhygienic.

"People invited to these parties are vetted first, and vouched for by the couple doing the inviting, and if shit goes down, well, no one wants to get kicked out of our group."

"How big is this group?"

"It's about ten couples and four single people, right now. We only do these parties once every six weeks or so, with a rotation of who hosts. Often couples are out of town, or maybe the wife has Aunt Flo in town, or some such. Generally, it ends up about this many people."

"How did you get into this? I mean... how do you approach people?" The curiosity was in full flow now.

"Well, generally, there's some indication of interest, we find. You can gently probe and get a feel. Hell, we did it with you guys, a couple of years ago? Remember that movie we all watched? Eyes Wide Shut? The conversation afterwards gave us a good indication that this kind of lifestyle would not be for the two of you. So, we just didn't pursue it."

I remembered that. I remembered the lively discussion afterwards. I remembered Auggie being very skeptical of the whole thing. Wow, put a totally new complexion on that whole evening!

"So, you think now that Auggie is gone, I'll be open to this?" I persisted.

"Well, that was the general idea. The whole point, as I said, was to make new memories. Get you laid with people who won't want anything more from you, except for that. Maybe make some new friends. At worst, have a good evening out, with some titillation, right?"

"I dunno, Barb. I am still very... confused? Empty? I dunno," I said, wearily. "I don't know that a meaningless romp in the hay will solve anything. I just so... miss her."

There were tears in Barbs eyes.

"I do, too. This was a mistake. I'm sorry we dropped this on you like this. We didn't honestly think you'd come if we'd been up front about it; we just thought it would be better to let it ride and hope you didn't go screaming for the hills, but this isn't right for you. I'm really sorry. I'll go get Chuck, and we'll take you. Debs can get a ride from someone else."

She rose, empathy pouring from her body language.

As she did, I put out my hand and stopped her.

"No, stay. Let's not rush off. It's a nice party, these are nice people. I may not choose to partake, but you guys have fun at these events. I'm not having you having to cut short your evening on my account. Let's stay for a while. Go... do what you do. Come back with a glow, okay? I need some time by myself, just to process all this..." I said, a little forcefully, waving my hand at the open doors where there were people mingling beyond. I meant it, too.