Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 067

"It's the poison in her system." Quetzalli used the shovel to pin Dana down. "She came to life, we made out a bit, but then she freaked out and went to the fridge..."

"She ate her entire supply." Yuki looked up at Mike. "Your sperm is triggering her cells to live, and the poison is killing them off, making her even hungrier than before. I'm hoping that if I drop her body temperature, it will slow the poison down enough that she stabilizes. The poison doesn't seem to break down with time, which is a problem."

"So she's stuck like this?" Mike frowned.

"Well, you could fuck her." Yuki scowled. "But you would have to keep doing it until the poison was gone. I honestly don't know how that would work. One dose was enough to knock Bigfoot on his ass for several days. I estimate Dana got well over thirty. It may be something we need the centaurs to solve."

"Shit." He thought about the small supply of potions that Zel had sent with him. Most of it was for injuries, though she had tossed in some stuff for water purification and some energy bars. He didn't think those were made with his spunk anymore, so they probably wouldn't work. She had also put in a couple of vials with warning labels on them, but he figured he wouldn't need them with the Nirumbi gone.

"Where's Bigfoot?" he asked. "It sounds like we may need to leave soon. How is he feeling?"

The front door slammed open and Bigfoot limped out. He squatted down on the front porch with a groan, then sat on the steps.

"I was feeling better until I had to wrestle her outside." Bigfoot spat in the snow. "She trashed our kitchen before I could get my hands on her. Then she tried to bite me, but my fur is pretty thick. I've wrestled bears weaker than her, it's uncanny how strong she is."

Velvet left Mike's side and ran into the cabin. Puzzled, he watched her go.

"I'm sorry about that," he told Bigfoot while shaking his head. "Do you think you would be up to helping us get home? I think the Nirumbi are gone, so it should be safe to leave."

"And then what?" Bigfoot leaned back, a frown on his face. "Am I coming to live with you? Gonna be your big, hairy roommate?"

Mike shrugged. "That's your call. I assume you prefer the forest, but I'm sure we could buy a bed big enough for you. But what I want to do is bring a few rats back here. We can open a portal in your barn or wherever and this place would be just like part of the house. You can come and go as you please, you'll just have a shortcut across the country."

Velvet opened the door and came out holding a couple of pans. "I really like that idea, Uncle Foot." She looked down at the pans in her hands. "Oh, right." The Arachne went back inside and Mike could hear the sound of pots clanging. From where he stood, he could see that she was trying to clean up Dana's mess. He hadn't realized that she was so tidy. In fact, he didn't know much about her at all.

Bigfoot grunted. "I suppose tomorrow may work. I got winded dragging her out here, and don't want to get stuck in the woods at night. If we leave first thing in the morning, it should be easy enough to get you all home by nightfall."

"Thank you." Mike walked next to Yuki. "Do you think you can keep our girl on ice for another day?"

"Oh god, he made that joke on purpose," Dana muttered, her teeth chattering. Her nipples stood up prominently against the thin fabric of her undershirt as she arched her back, causing one of her breasts to pop free. "Please just leave me out here if he's gonna do that."

"Let's get some real clothes on her." He took off his coat and draped it over Dana's torso. "Let her keep some dignity until we get this sorted."

Dana made eye contact with him and mouthed the words "thank you," just before baring her teeth and hissing.

Disturbed by the turn of events, Mike went inside to dig through Dana's stuff for clothes she could wear. He saw Velvet humming to herself in the kitchen, her whole back end swaying from side to side as she tidied up the room. The fridge had been emptied onto the floor, and there were a couple of broken glass bottles. Velvet stepped around them with delicate feet.

After picking out a sweater and some pants, he headed toward the front door, but not before making a detour toward the kitchen and swatting Velvet playfully on the butt.

Velvet jumped, flipping over in the air and landing with her legs spread between the counter and the table. When she saw that it was Mike who had swatted her, she blushed.

"You startled me," she told him as she stepped back down. "I'm a bit distracted is all. Gotta clean this up."

"I'll be in to help." He went outside and had Yuki and Quetzalli assist him in getting Dana dressed. It took almost half-an-hour, and she had calmed down considerably by the time they were done. Still, she often bared her teeth while talking, so they put duct tape over her mouth. Mike was very apologetic during the whole thing until Dana told him that it was fine and to please stop bringing it up.

Yuki stayed outside with Dana while Mike went inside to help Velvet and make sure they were ready to leave in the morning. He was sure that Abella would be grateful to get home, and wondered if she was still sulking.

He and Quetzalli were in the middle of eating grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner when Yuki burst through the front door carrying a tiny gray bundle in her arms.

"Mike!" She ran to the table and opened her arms. Emery rolled out of them and went limp on the table. He looked up at Mike and let out a sigh of relief.

"I didn't think I'd make it," he muttered. "Need to...tell you something."

"Emery, where's Abella?"

"Captured."

When Mike stood, his magic roared inside of him. A blast of energy sent his chair skidding across the floor and into the pantry. Everybody jumped, but he was too worried about Abella to care much beyond that.

"Who has her?" he demanded.

"Don't know." Emery groaned and covered his head with his hands. "There was an ambush, she sent me to get help. I wanted to help, but there's nothing I could do!"

The floor of the cabin creaked as Bigfoot limped over to the table. "You tell me which direction and I can get us there," he said, then looked up at Mike. "It's likely a trap, though."

"You're right, it is." Mike left his sandwich behind and ran to his bedroom. He picked up Darren's rifle and stuffed a box of ammo in his pocket. When he came back out, he saw that Quetzalli had finished off her own sandwich and was hastily devouring the rest of his.

When they stepped outside, Mike pondered Dana. They had moved her into a sitting position by the door, and Yuki had used one of her tarot cards to summon iron bands to shackle her to the floorboards.

"We can't just leave her here," he said.

"You won't have to." The voice came from everywhere at once. "You see, I've decided that the time has come to speak of many things. Of ships and shoes, and sealing—"

Yuki summoned a barrage of ice that shredded several nearby trees, coating the snow in branches and needles. The wind was picking up as she drew a handful of cards and threw them into the ground. Fountains of water appeared, and blue light emanated from her hands as she turned them into makeshift snow machines.

"I know this asshole!" she shouted, her eyes gleaming. "He can read your thoughts, be careful!"

"I'm touched that you remember me, little fox." The voice came from overhead, but when Mike looked up, all he saw was the sky. "I wasn't sure it was really you, but I knew you would recognize the quote. I see we have a new Caretaker. I take it Emily finally burned herself up?"

"Who is this?" Mike asked, looking at Yuki. She was scanning the woods, her glowing hands moving in slow circles. Large balls of snow were rolling around her, getting bigger with every second. "What does he want?"

Behind him, the front door of the cabin exploded off its hinges and Bigfoot stormed out. With each step, he seemed to become larger, and when he finally stood next to Mike, he was nearly twelve feet tall. Heat radiated from his body, and he bared his enormous teeth at the forest.

"LEEDS!" Bigfoot howled in fury. "I should have known! How did you find me? I will fucking kill you for real this time!"

"Hello, old friend." This time, the voice came from its owner, a creature on the periphery of the woods with a cowl pulled over his face. "It's been far too many—"

An icicle the size of a car ripped through the air at Leeds. He stepped behind a small tree that was obliterated by the ice, only to re-emerge somewhere else. He casually dusted ice off his shoulder with clawed hands.

"Well, I guess we're skipping formalities. As for killing me..." Leeds vanished again, and the woods around them came to life with the sounds of hooting and chirps. In the distance, something large let loose an ominous howl and Leeds reappeared on the roof of the barn. From where Mike stood, he could see that Leeds had cloven hooves for feet and a forked tail that swished behind him.

"You're going to have a devil of a time," Leeds finished, his eyes blazing inside his cowl.

I'm so happy that you all get to meet Leeds. Eagle-eyed readers will realize that I've laid some tracks for his inevitable appearance, but those are some tough bread crumbs to find.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and for being so damned supportive. My Lit readers are the absolute best. Make sure you leave me some stars and tell all your monster-loving friends to drop by and soak up some monster-sized literature. I am so behind on reading comments and such (my free time is at an absolute minimum) but if you have something you want to make sure I see (in the near future), send me a feedback form!

The mayhem levels of next chapter will be off the charts. Make sure you check my bio for the release date, and thanks again for reading!

~Annabelle Hawthorne