Illusions

Laurel smiled weakly and said, "Your father used to say we were Mongrels."

Meghan didn't understand so her mom explained the meaning of the word.

"It was a joke, Megs. And not a very funny one."

"Well, I might want to do that. You know, find out about our family."

"Sure, but just understand our family is most definitely not going to be together forever, sweetheart. No offense, but the last thing I'd want is to be stuck with your father for eternity."

"Yeah, that would suck. Big time," Meghan said with a laugh.

For some reason, that struck Laurel the right way and she laughed, too, for the first time in weeks.

"Why don't you check into it, honey? If isn't too expensive, maybe we can get our DNA checked."

"Okay. Cool. I'll do some research online and get back to you."

"Meghan? Please don't get upset with me, but...do you ever get tired of drinking and partying and being out all night?" her mother asked as kindly as she could.

Her daughter just sat there and looked at her mom for several seconds.

"You know, it's really weird but listening to that guy literally crying in his beer made me think. He wasn't happy with religion so he went the complete opposite way trying to find something to make him happy, and he's still miserable. It always seemed like partying meant having fun. But it's not. I mean, sometimes it is, but mostly it's just...empty."

Laurel managed a smile then said, "Someone's growing up."

"Really? Then why is my head pounding like a jackhammer's going off inside?" Meghan asked rhetorically.

"Some of us just have to learn the hard way, honey," was all she could think to offer.

"Well, I'm not saying I'm done partying. But I'm also not ready to go off and join a cult or a convent, either," Meghan replied matter of factly.

"Just find a happy medium. All things in moderation, right?" her mom suggested.

"Speaking of moderation...okay, this has nothing to do with moderation, but when are you going to stop living like you're a nun and start dating again?"

"Dating! Ugh!" he mom said. "Can we change the subject, please?"

"Okay. For now," Meghan said sweetly.

She smiled at her mom then said, "You know who I'd date if I could?"

"Why am I afraid to ask?" Laurel said as she winced waiting for Meghan's reply.

"Don't worry. It's not gonna happen, but if Leyton wasn't my cousin, I would so totally go for it. He's like the hottest guy ever! And...he's so nice!"

Meghan saw the look on her mom's face and wasn't sure what it meant so she tried to clarify.

"Mom, I know you don't look at him that way, but pretend you're my age and your cousin is the nicest, sweetest...hottest guy you've ever seen. You can at least imagine that, right?"

"Um...sure. I suppose so," Laurel said weakly as the guilt and the shame and the passion all came flooding back.

"But like I said, it's never gonna happen. But you seriously need to find a boyfriend, Mom. Living alone isn't working for you."

"I have you," Laurel said defensively.

"Yeah. Lucky you," her daughter said evidently aware of what a pain in the...neck...she was most of the time.

"Mom? I am gonna start trying, though. You know, to cut back on the drinking and the partying."

"I'm here for you, Megs. Anytime. You know that, right?"

Meghan smiled and to her great surprise, her mother got a rare hug.

"I love you, Mom," her daughter told her. "And I'm sorry I'm such an ass pain."

"I love you, too, baby," her mom said back wanting to both laugh and cry.

"Now if I could just cut back on loving...feeling...the way I do about someone I have no business feeling that way about," she said to herself as she held her daughter not wanting to let her go.

Another week passed and Laurel reluctantly forced herself to call someone who'd recently asked her out. He was a very nice guy and not bad looking, either. She'd initially told him it was still too early, but the real reason she'd said 'no' was something she'd never share with him or anyone else.

He was thrilled to hear from her and yes, he'd still love to take her out. She agreed to dinner that Friday evening and kept telling herself this was the only way to move on and get over her silly, ridiculous, incestuous...crush.

She actually had a reasonably nice time and although she said 'no' to a second date, she had let him kiss her goodnight. Her reasons were to see if she could possibly generate any kind of passion for him—or for any man. The kiss had been nice. It wasn't unpleasant at all, it just didn't do anything for her.

She accepted another date offer the next week and had lunch with a guy who also just happened to be her divorce attorney. He, too, was very good looking, treated her well, and it was obvious he had money. Even so, all she could see was Leyton whenever she looked at him. This time, she'd politely turned away when he tried to kiss her goodnight.

She felt silly saying something so cliche, but it was still true, cliche or not: "It isn't you, Don. It's me. I thought I was ready to date, but I'm just not."

She couldn't blame him when he rolled his eyes then tersely wished her a good evening before walking off shaking his head. Laurel was shaking her head, too, wondering if perhaps a therapist might actually be her best or only remaining option.

The week before Leyton was scheduled to come home, Meghan sat down one evening and said, "Okay, I have the info."

"On?" her mom asked.

"The DNA thing. The testing. I had no idea there were so many companies doing that now."

Laurel had completely forgotten about that as she was consumed with her own internal war all day, every day.

"If people can make a buck on something... So...how much is it and what do we have to do?" she asked her daughter.

"Well...they run from $99 to $199 but this one company is having a sale and it's just $69 each."

"That's not bad," he mom said. "Let's do it!"

Laurel provided the credit card and Meghan placed the order.

Five days later, their test kits came in the mail.

"So we just put this Q-tip in our mouth, swab around the cheek like so," Meghan said showing her mom how, "then drop it in this plastic tube and mail it back. Simple, right?"

Thirty seconds later, Laurel's sample was done, too, and all that remained was to wait for the results. Twelve to fourteen weeks of waiting, that is.

And for his part, waiting was all Leyton could do. Yes, he worked himself to the point of exhaustion as Opilio season meant that, in addition to doing everything else they did during King season, it was so cold that ice built up the boat. After working to the point of utter fatigue, his men had to go out and spend hours breaking ice with sledgehammers because the ice could build up on the superstructure and with a strong enough wind, capsize the boat.

The only redeeming aspect of the trip was he'd once again been 'on the crab'. After a terrible first string which scared the hell out him to the point he forgot about Laurel for several days, they'd had another record haul.

Opilio were smaller and it took a lot more of them to make money, but Leyton cheered along with his men when one pot after another came up stuffed with crabs. Many even had 'riders' or crabs sitting on top of the pot trying to get it. His guys were happy to keep the riders along with the 150-200 others jammed into the pots. Getting 60 King crab in a pot was huge, but they needed about three times that many Opilio to make the same kind of money.

This time his guys made nearly fifty grand each including his newest full-share partner who told Leyton he'd just gotten engaged to his high school sweetheart. He couldn't stop thanking the young skipper for believing in him and bumping him up to full-share status.

"You earned it and good luck to you," Leyton said sincerely when he handed him the largest amount of money he'd ever seen.

"You, too, boss," the younger man said grinning from ear to ear.

Leyton's first mate was an older man named Toby Meyers, and Toby and been fishing for crab all his life. He was 47 years old and still worked like a man have his age. He also drove the younger, newer crew members relentlessly and additionally served as the boat's chief engineer. There really wasn't anything Toby couldn't do on a crab boat.

"What's eatin' you, skipper?" Toby said after he waited to be last to get paid.

Leyton sighed then said, "I can't talk about it."

"Wow. That sounds pretty bad. Does it involve a woman by any chance?" the weathered deckhand asked.

"Oh, yeah," Leyton replied forcing a smile.

"Let me guess. She's married and you're in love with her."

"Close," the young skipper said not wanting to volunteer any information.

"Okay. She's also either married and a lot older or...she's um...jailbait. How's that for a guess?"

"Pretty close again," Leyton confessed. "I'm not into teenagers, though. No way, no how. Not even the legal variety."

"Does her husband know?" he asked pulling up a folding chair.

"No, but they're separated and he's out of the picture. Unlike me, he does like 'em young. Not jailbait young, but let's just say...younger than me. It's sad as hell because she's unbelievably gorgeous and he can't see it or doesn't care."

Toby laughed then said, "Then I don't see the problem. If they're separated and she no longer loves him, what's the big deal? Oh, wait. She doesn't love you, huh? Yeah, I get it. The old unrequited love thing. That one's a bitch. I experienced that once back when I was your age. No offense, skipper."

Leyton forced a laugh and said, "None taken. I am keenly aware of my age, and that it's guys like you who make me look good. I wish I could double what I pay you, Toby."

"Nah. I'll never be rich. I just love bein' out here. Or maybe I've come to the realization this the only thing I'm any good at. Either way, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up, but I'll do it until my body won't let me."

"Then what?"

"Then I'll worry about that...then," Toby told him. "Hell, if I was all that good at planning my life, I wouldn't be almost 50 still working on a crab boat or have two ex-wives and owe a ton in child support every month."

Both men laughed before Leyton quietly, "She's my aunt."

Toby, never at a loss for words, had nothing to say.

"How fucked up is that?" Leyton asked rhetorically.

Toby ran his hand through his hair then said, "Damn. That's a new one. For me, at least."

Leyton reached for his cell phone, clicked a few times, then handed it to the older man.

"That's her. That's my aunt."

He watched Toby's eyes as he scrolled through the pics.

"Jesus, kid. Sorry...boss."

Toby smiled then said, "She's what I call a 'hammer'. That woman is flat freakin' gorgeous."

"See what I mean?" Leyton said.

He laughed then said, "And she's your aunt."

He looked at Leyton, handed back the phone, and said, "And you've got it bad for her. That sucks, my friend."

Leyton opened up and explained how he'd always felt about her then how they'd gotten so unbelievably close after the death of his mother.

"So it's not like it's just this crush-from-afar thing, you know? I mean, she's been the most important person in my life—other than my mom, of course. And she's not only been there she's been...everything to me."

Toby stood up then said, "I should probably get while the gettin's good, but one more question. How does she feel about you?"

"From what I can tell, the same."

"I don't envy you, but I damn sure won't make any jokes because I can see this is tearin' you up."

The hulking deckhand put his hand on his captain's shoulder and said, "I gotta get to the airport. I'm behind on child support payments and I don't want to end up in jail so if you'll excuse me..."

"Oh, yeah. Sure. And um...thanks for listening, Toby."

"You got it, cap'n," he replied. "And while I hope I don't need to say this, just know this conversation will stay private. Permanently."

"You're a good man, Toby," Leyton said as he stood to shake hands.

Toby clapped the young captain on the shoulder then said, "Good luck. Oh, and just for the record, you can live with anyone you want. You know, even if you can't marry them."

Leyton actually laughed when his first mate smiled.

"That's true, but I don't see that happening. In fact, I don't see anything happening. Hell, I haven't even talked to her since just after the end of King season."

"Right. The 'almost' second incident," he said proving he'd been paying attention.

"I'll call you about six weeks before we get ready to go out again, okay?" Leyton said.

"I look forward to it. I think," Toby said with a wink and a smile.

He stepped off the boat, stopped, turned around and said, "One way or the other, you gotta resolve this. The last thing you or this crew needs is a captain whose attention is somewhere other than on the boat."

Toby waved then walked off.

"No kidding," Leyton said to himself as he grabbed his gear and got ready to leave, too.

Laurel thought about the therapist option almost continually until desperation drove her to make a call. They had a cancellation and the therapist could see her the following day, the day before Leyton was due home.

"Yes, everything you tell me is completely confidential," the woman who appeared to be around 30 told her. "Unless you're planning to hurt yourself or someone else. Or...if it involves minor children."

"No, no, and no," Laurel said before launching into a 30-minute monologue about how she felt about her young nephew.

Like most therapists, this one offered no solutions. She just asked the obvious questions in order to get the patient to answer them for him or herself.

"What do you think you should do?" she asked after Laurel poured her heart out to her.

"If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be here," Laurel said without being mean. "I still don't know. I mean, I do know. I just don't know how to do it."

"You need to end this, right?" the therapist said steering the conversation.

"Well, of course," Laurel said. "But I can't."

"You can't or you won't?" the woman asked.

"Both?" Laurel offered.

"Does he want to have children?"

"I...I don't know," Laurel said her voice trailing off. That was the one area that scared her the most. How could any man his age not want a family? And at her age, could they have one, even if there was a way around the obvious problem?

"Would you be willing to have a baby at say...40?"

Laurel pretended to think carefully about her answer, but she knew she would absolutely have another child...with the right man.

"Possibly," she answered hedging her bets.

"I'm not advising this, Ms. Granger, but you know you don't have to be married to live with someone, right?"

Laurel had also thought of that a thousand times.

"Yes, but I don't think we could...I mean, I have Meghan and she'd know and that would...that would probably be the straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back so, no, that's not an option."

"So let's list your options, shall we?" the therapist said knowing there was really only one: forget about Leyton Kirkland for good.

Laurel felt like crying when she left and resolved not to go back as there was no use in talking this out any further. The therapist only served to confirm what Laurel already knew. Following through was the problem.

Leyton landed in Seattle and as soon as he got home he picked up his phone and called.

Laurel's stomach went into knots when she saw who was calling. She thought about not answering but knew she couldn't.

"Hello?" she said very tentatively.

"Hi, Aunt Laurel. Listen, we need to talk," he said.

"I...I know," was all she could say in reply.

"We need to meet somewhere public. Somewhere we can't, you know..."

"Yes. I know," she said again in a barely audible voice.

They agreed to meet at 8 o'clock in a bar where Laurel and Lisa had gone a couple of times before Lisa got too sick to go out.

Leyton was there waiting when Laurel arrived and as usual, just seeing her made his heart skip a beat. She looked so beautiful and yet so sad as he met her and helped her with her coat.

"Before we start," Laurel said. "Can we do this fast? Like ripping off a bandaid?"

"So you've reached the same conclusion I take it," Leyton said feeling more depressed than he could ever remember.

"What other conclusion is there to reach?" she said without looking at him. "This has to end. I just don't have the strength or maybe the moral character to end it."

"There's something I have to say first," Leyton told her.

"Please don't," she quickly replied. "If you say what I think you're going to say, I'll lose it and I don't want to cry again. So please don't hurt me any more than you have to, okay? Just say it and let's be done with it."

Her voice was sad and desperate, and he knew she was right. If he told her how he felt, knowing he could do nothing about it after saying it, then why torture her, or himself, by saying it? What good was there in telling her he loved her when he couldn't actually ever love her?

"Okay. I won't say it."

Leyton paused then said, "Not out loud, anyway."

He reached for her hand on the table, but she pulled it back and said, "Don't. Please, Ley. Don't."

"Then I guess this is it," he said the resignation heavy in his voice. "May I at least hug you goodbye?"

Laurel shook her head and when she did a tear fell.

"Dammit. I did not want to cry," she said reaching for a napkin.

"No. We can't even do that, Ley. And you know why. We have to make this stick. It has to be final. Just like the bandaid. It has to be ripped off all at once."

"Okay. I understand," he said quietly.

"Do you want me to leave or would you like to go first?" he asked.

"Can you go?" she asked still not looking at him. She knew she couldn't look at him. Just seeing those eyes would kill her so all she had to do was avoid looking until he walked away. Then maybe, just maybe, she could get on with her life again.

"I'm uh...I'm gonna to move to Alaska," he said as he stood up.

"What? When?" she said her voice filled with sadness.

"As soon as I can. I'll be closer to work and well, the main reason why is obvious."

"Leyton...I don't know if I can..."

He pulled his coat on then said, "Now I have to say, 'Please don't'."

He zipped it up then said, "If circumstances were different, if we weren't related, nothing on earth could keep me from being with you. But we are so we can't."

Laurel's body jerked in that unmistakable way a body moves when someone cries. Leyton was dying inside knowing he couldn't hold her or even touch her.

There wasn't even anything left to say except for, "Goodbye, Aunt Laurel."

She nodded and swallowed hard and managed to say, "Goodbye, Leyton."

He walked out into the cold, fall air and exhaled a long breath of warm air and watched it dissipate. Just like his forbidden love for a woman he could never have.

*****

Three months later

"Mom! The results of the DNA tests are back!" Meghan said holding up two envelopes addressed separately to them.

"Oh. I didn't even notice when I brought the mail in. Let's open them up and find out. I already know pretty much what mine will say, but I'm interested to see what your father's profile means for your ancestry."

"You first, Mom," Meghan said.

She'd been staying out less and less and they'd even gotten back to being friends again. And that was the only thing that had gotten her mother through the worst time of her life. She hated admitting it, but 'losing' Leyton had been harder than losing her beloved sister.

"No, you go ahead, sweetheart," Laurel said. "England and Germany aren't all that exciting."

As Meghan opened hers she asked, "Where does Dad's family come from?"

"Hmmm. Let's see. The Grangers are also English and some French. I don't know for sure, but that's what your dad always said. So open it up and let's see!"