In What We Didn't Say (alt. End)

"That means we're getting a divorce!"

"Other than a legal agreement with the state of California we already have a divorce. We are roommates, not spouses."

"There's a thing at church tonight. Carole and Betty will have spread the gossip all over before then. I can't show my face at church."

"Have you done something you're ashamed of? Broken some law?"

"I don't want a divorce!"

"Then do something to reverse it! I haven't called a lawyer, yet. I love you. If the marriage is worth fixing you can fix it, but I'm not willing to live like it's been." I walked away.

In the master bedroom I put the new sheets on the bed and the new comforter. I thought it looked great. When I stepped back to look it over Donna was standing in the doorway. She said, "Betty was right. They are very masculine."

"Want to give them a test run?" I smiled as I said it.

"No thanks. They're too masculine for me."

"In twenty-six years did you ever buy new sheets and ask if they were too feminine for me? Not once. Little flowers were what you liked, not me. I put up with them because you came with the sheets. You looked good with little flowers all around your naked body. I think you'd look good on Forest Green sheets too."

"You never said you hated the sheets."

"Because I knew you liked them and you would be between them with me. Hell, I'd have willingly slept between Barbie sheets if you were going to be there with me. And we both know I'm not fond of Barbie."

I saw a tear slide down her cheek just before she turned and went back to her room. While she was in her room I rearranged the living room. Donna had the room set up so that if folks dropped by we could sit in sort of a circle and talk. People almost never dropped by. I moved things so the room was less living room and more media room. The TV and stereo were the new focal points.

At six I was dressed and heading out the door when I realized I wasn't being a good roommate. I knocked on her door and said, "I'm going to the church and dinner. I'll be back before eleven, I think. Don't wait up for me."

"You're only going to hurt me." Her voice came through the door.

"I don't want to hurt you. Would you rather people make up gossip or know the truth?"

"I'd rather they didn't have their noses in our business!"

"Too late." I turned and walked to my car.

At the church I had a great dinner. It was a pot luck dinner and I ate well. During dinner I sat at a table by myself for a while. Then Neal Thompson and Brad Willis sat down with me.

Neal asked, "Is it true?"

"I'd need to know what it is to answer the question."

Brad added, "We heard you're getting a divorce."

"No one has filed any legal papers."

"Betty said..."

"I'm not married to Betty. To quote exactly what I said to Betty exactly I said, "She doesn't want to be my wife anymore. Life moves on."

"So what will you do? Where will you go?" Brad asked.

"I'm not going anywhere. On Monday I'll be at work. I meant what I said, Life moves on."

"I was gonna say I was sorry to hear about the divorce..."

"Me too. This isn't my idea. But, it's her choice what she does with her life. I'm not the boss and never have been."

They wandered off. The minister stopped by and asked if I needed to meet with him. I said I was doing Ok but that didn't mean the same as fine. He gave me a hug. When I was done eating and clean up began, I stayed and helped. We threw away lots of paper plates and plastic forks. I got the floor sweeper and started on the floor when the minister's wife found me.

"I'd like to talk to you, if that's Ok."

"Now, or after I finish the floor?"

"After." She walked away and I finished the floor. The crew was down to three of us at that point. We both gave Kevin a hug and he went home. We sat outside on the patio and the minister's wife said, "Can I ask what happened after we talked?"

I told her the whole story and invited her to talk to Donna if she wanted both sides of the story. She asked, "What next?"

"We are roommates. I sleep in the master bedroom. She sleeps in the room that used to be Matt's room. She quit cooking for us. She stopped cleaning my room. She quit doing my laundry and you already know she shut her body away. She has no income. I have no idea what she's going to do. I do know what I'm going to do."

"Divorce her?"

"No. I'm going to find someone to take care of my home, cook for me, clean my house and do my laundry. I've got a big house and I can't take care of it by myself. I also can't count on Donna to do it."

"You'll hire someone as a housekeeper?"

"Exactly!"

She was quiet for a long time. She was thinking about something.

"We have a friend... she could do the job. She needs a job. Right now she has a job but it doesn't even pay her rent! And, she's living in an old trailer. Shall I call her?"

I handed her my cell phone. She smiled and dialed.

"Sharon? This is Helen. Have you got a minute?"

"Would you consider a live in position as a housekeeper. I know the man you'll be working for and I'd trust him with my own daughter. The house is a four bedroom house with two adults living in it. You'd do the cooking, keep the house clean, do the grocery shopping, the laundry and have your own bedroom and bathroom."

"You two can talk about money when you meet. I just want to know if you're interested."

"When can you talk to him?" She mouthed "Now?" to me and I nodded.

"I'll give him your address and he'll be right over." She folded my phone and handed it back to me.

"Her name is Sharon. She's thirty-something, divorced and the last three years have been hell for her. The man she was married to was a complete bastard." I'd never heard her use a word that strong before. "She's a little gun shy, if you know what I'm saying."

"I'll tred softly." I thanked her, took the address and left. Ten minutes later I was parking in front of a broken down, rusted out trailer. Sharon was sitting in a lawn chair beside her trailer. She was wearing threadbare jeans, an old Grateful Dead T-shirt and cheap flip-flops. I got out and approached her. She stood.

"I'm Sharon."

"Alan. We need to talk about the job. Can we go somewhere else to talk?"

"Like where?"

"Maybe, a diner? I'd like some dessert and maybe you'd like dinner."

"Ok. Helen trusts you, so will I."

We drove to nice place and went inside. She studied the menu a long time. I leaned forward and said, "Order whatever you want. Please."

The waitress came and we ordered. I got a piece of lemon meringue pie."

I told her the whole story and what I wanted. She asked some good questions and I created some good answers. Then she asked the key question, "How much will you pay?"

She had already shared with me that she worked at Wal-Mart. That let me know she wasn't making much.

"You get to live in the house, with your own bedroom and bath. You eat what we eat. I buy all the supplies for the house and for you. And the first Friday after the fifteenth of each month you get a thousand dollars."

"That's less than I get now."

"Does what you get now include rent, food, utilities, incidentals?"

"No."

"Come take a look at the house. See how much work you think it will be. If you don't think I'm being fair, we can talk some more. See where you'll live."

Her dinner and my pie were gone. I left a nice tip and we were back in my car. She said, "I don't have a car."

"Can you drive?"

"Yes. My license expires next year."

"We have two cars. I need this one all the time for work. The other one is used by my roommate, but I can have it be your car and she can use it sometimes."

I parked in the driveway and we got out. It was almost ten. When the car doors closed the living room light went out. We went inside through the door into the kitchen. A plate and a pan were dirty and in the sink. I turned on the lights and said, "If you take the job this room is your domain. Move things around to make them work for you."

She looked. She opened cupboards and the fridge. When she'd seen enough she looked at me and nodded. I gave her the rest of the tour. We didn't open the door to Donna's room. As we passed it I said, "Your responsibilities will not include anything in that room or bathroom. Donna can take care of that." Sharon nodded.

I opened the two spare bedroom doors and showed her both rooms. All of Donna's things were still in the one room. I said, "If you want the one we're using as storage I'll move everything out of there tomorrow."

"Why are you being so nice?"

"When people are happy they do better work and more of it."

"Ok." We walked back to the front room and sat down. As soon as we sat she said, "When do you want me to start?"

"Tomorrow, after church. I'll pick you up for church and after we'll go back to your trailer and get your things. From then on, you live here. You can give your Mom your new address and phone number.

"No, I can't. She's gone."

"I'm sorry."

"I believe you. Ok. I accept the job. On the way home from church can we stop and buy groceries, too?"

"Sure. Let's get you home." We got in my car and drove. It was obvious she was deep in thought.

"Alan?"

"Yes."

"When we get to the trailer could you wait fifteen minutes?"

"Sure! What's up?"

"I can be packed and back in your car in fifteen minutes."

"Want me to carry things for you?"

"I don't have that much."

She was right. Ten minutes after she got out of the car she came out again with one suitcase. She locked the trailer and dropped the key in the manager's mail slot.

When we got home I got her fresh towels and carried her suitcase into the bedroom. I said, "I'm getting up at eight to leave for church by nine. You want me to wake you then?"

She looked and saw my other son's alarm clock beside the bed. "No. If you get up at eight, what time do you want breakfast?"

"How about eight thirty?"

"Done. I hope you like my cooking."

"I guarantee it's better than mine." I closed her door and went to my room. When I opened the door I was surprised. Donna and her flannel burkha were sitting on my bed.

"Who is in the house?"

"My housekeeper. She moved in tonight. She starts work tomorrow. Since I pay her, she works for me, not us. Her name is Sharon. Please stay out of her way. If you dirty something in the kitchen, clean up your own mess. We will be going to church in the morning. If you want a ride, please be ready to go at nine o'clock." I took off my shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm in my bedroom and I'm going to bed. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Getting undressed in front of me."

"I've slept naked for thirty-nine years. Twenty-six of those years with you. I am getting undressed, not in front of you. You came in here. You sat on my bed. If seeing me naked one more time will offend you I recommend you get out of my bedroom and don't come back until you want to see me naked and share yourself with me."

"It's my house, too!" she said as she walked out and closed the door behind herself.

At eight I woke up, shut off the alarm and got up. The door to my bedroom, that Donna had closed last night, was open about half an inch. I left it alone and got ready for church. At eight-thirty I entered the kitchen and found Sharon dressed for church and at the stove. I said "Good Morning" and was met with a smile and a cup of coffee. She watched my face for my reaction. I sipped the Joe and said, "Good. I like it black."

I sat and she served both of us plates of scrambled eggs with chunks of cheese and salsa in them, toast and a small glass of apple juice. They were good. We did the dishes together after breakfast. The little bit of egg mix that was left I tossed down the disposal.

Sharon was dressed in a shirtwaist dress and flats. We got into the car and headed for church. "Alan, people are going to ask about your wife."

"Nosey people. The minister and his wife, Helen, know everything. The answers the others get will be the truth but won't help their gossip much."

"What will you say?"

"Donna doesn't want to be married to me. Changing her mind is up to her, not me."

"Sharon came to church with you this morning."

"Sharon is my housekeeper. She is my employee. Since she doesn't yet have a car, I brought her to church."

"I like the way you tell it. You don't bad mouth Donna and you don't put me down either."

"Thanks."

She sat next to me in church. Close, but not too close. The few times I looked over at her during the service I noticed things about her. I noticed the dress she had on was clean and very threadbare, much like her jeans had been the night before. When she bent to pick up a piece of paper from the floor I noticed her bra was equally threadbare and worn. I also noticed her shoes were quite worn.

As we headed for the car after service was over, I caught the eye of Helen, the minister's wife. I gave her a thumb's up. She smiled and then greeted someone else.

Betty, who had bumped into me at Bed, Bath & Beyond, caught us at the door to my car. "Where is Donna this morning?" She asked.

"When I left for church I hadn't seen her this morning. Perhaps it would be a good Christian thing for you to call her and check on her health and well-being?"

"I don't want to bother her."

"She's been mostly in her bedroom for a week. How could your call be anything that would interrupt or bother her?"

"Ok, I'll call her. Are you going to introduce me to your..."

"Employee. Betty this is Sharon, my housekeeper."

"How nice. You got Donna a housekeeper."

"No, I didn't. Sharon is not our housekeeper. Sharon works for me." I opened the door and Sharon got in. She looked up at Betty and said, "It was nice to meet you. Have a blessed day."

Any further conversation wasn't possible. I closed the car door and went around and got in the other side.

As we turned right onto the street Sharon said, "I think every congregation has women like her."

"You don't like her?"

"No. She can't wait to gossip."

"It would be different if she relayed the things she heard. She doesn't. She'll tell people what she makes what she heard mean."

"That's a big part of why I left New Jersey. Gossips!"

She started paying attention to where we were and asked, "Where are we going?"

"Westside Pavillion. They have nice things there."

"I thought we were getting food."

"After. There are some other things we need more."

We walked in and I headed for Nordies. "What do you want to get?"

"Clothes."

When we were inside Nordies I headed for ladies clothes. Sharon stopped me. She said, "What are you doing?"

"You work for me. When you are in public you represent me. People would look at you today, dressed for church and say, "He's cheap. She's doing the best she can but he obviously is not paying her enough for a decent dress." I won't have it. You will dress appropriately or you won't work for me."

"Oh. I hadn't thought about that. Did I embarrass you in church?"

"No. Even the gossips know you haven't worked for me long enough to have earned or bought new clothes. If you show up next week in the same dress or one very much like it, then tongues will wag."

"Nordies is expensive. I've never bought anything here. Ever."

"I think you'll like what you see. Please don't look at the tags. I headed for tops and pants. We picked out some tops and some cotton pants. Three new pair of jeans. Then we headed for dresses.

"Pick out three you can wear to church and feel good."

She picked four. We gave it all to a sales girl and said before we went to the dressing rooms Sharon needed some things from intimate apparel. Sharon hesitated. I understood. I looked at the sales girl and Sharon and said, "See that couch over there? I'll be on it when you're ready. Bag all the items from here and bring them to the register. We'll have Sharon try on the new clothes wearing new underthings."

They smiled and fifteen minutes later they were back, with one bag. I said, "What's the total so far?"

The sales girl said, "One hundred twelve ninety-two."

I looked at Sharon and said, "You must have at least a dozen bras. At least twenty pair of panties, a few camisoles, two or three nightgowns, some nylons. You can't possibly have all that in that bag. Go back. You were looking at the tags. Get good stuff." I waved my hands and they went back into bra-land. Half an hour passed and they were back with two more big bags.

The sales girl said, "Eight hundred sixteen and change."

I stood and said, Please take them to the register and we'll meet you at the dressing rooms." When the girl was gone Sharon said, "You're spending a lot of money."

I stopped and faced her. "Close your eyes." She did. "Feel how the new things feel on you. How do you feel with them on?"

"I feel good." Her voice was a whisper.

"I want you to feel like that every day. When you run the vacuum I want you to feel good in your clothes. The better you feel the better job you'll do for me. Now, let's go see how you look in new clothes."

I sat in a chair for an hour. I saw every pair of pants, every shirt, and the four dresses. Very few things went back. The things that went back were red. I don't like women in red. My grandmother thought she was a beautiful, sexy woman and she always wore red. Red shoes, blouses, pants, toenail polish, finger nail polish. I don't like red. Donna didn't own anything red from the day we got engaged.

I paid the bill and two people from Nordies helped us carry everything to the car. They were so nice they let us stop in the shoe department and get two pair of shoes to go with the dresses.

On the way to the market we stopped at a shoe store and got two pair of good shoes for work and around home. Then we stopped at the market. As we prowled the aisles she asked questions. "Do you like pasta? Do you like vegetables? Which ones? Do you eat meat, fish, chicken, turkey, pork?" And she asked how I liked each yes cooked. The cart was pretty full when we were done.

When we got home I volunteered to get the groceries into the kitchen. She took all the Nordies bags and her shoes to her room. Donna was sitting in the living room and watched Sharon carry seven big Nordies bags past her. She didn't say anything.

Sharon didn't put everything away in her room. She came back to the kitchen and as we put things away she asked what I wanted for dinner. "What is something you like to make?"

"I like making Italian food, especially with a good salad."

"That sounds great. Just a minute, please." I walked to the doorway to the living room. "Donna, Sharon is making Italian food and a salad for dinner. Would you like to join us?"

"NO, thank you." There was an iceberg in her throat. I needed a jacket if I was crazy enough to continue the conversation. I wasn't that crazy. I turned back to Sharon and said, "Just enough for the two of us, please." She nodded and went to work.

I went to my bedroom and fired up the computer. Donna had been using it. She left tell-tale signs of her being on the computer. I looked and found emails she had sent to someone named, "Ihearu." She told "Ihearu" all about what was happening here. Ihearu was sympathetic and said I was doing everything to get her to go to bed with me again. She was assured that I would cave in and give her everything she wanted and she'd never need to have sex with me again. From all I read Donna believed she was done as a wife, a mother and a woman. Ihearu told her she had worked hard and deserved better treatment from me than she was getting. One line from Donna stood out to me, "What I really want is to be needed, not as a sex object, but as a person."

I felt a little better knowing she wasn't having sex somewhere else. But, not much better. I thought she knew how important she was to me. I thought I was saying it already.