In What We Didn't Say (alt. End)

I shut the computer down. Sharon came to the door, knocked then said, "Dinner's ready."

I opened the door and followed her to the dining room. Italian food and a salad turned out to be a salad and lasagna. It was not in an aluminum pan from Stoffer's. It was great! As I ate I said, in a whisper, "This is great. Lasagna has always been one of my favorite meals."

Sharon got up, got a pad and wrote, "UR whispering because Donna makes a really great lasagna?"

I nodded and wrote: "I don't want to hurt her feelings any more."

Sharon wrote, "U love her?" I nodded.

"When she comes to her senses where will I go?" She wrote.

"I'm thinking she won't. Even if she does, you stay." I wrote.

She said, "Thank you." Out loud.

We finished the salad and the lasagna. We did the dishes together and left the kitchen clean. All the groceries were put away. We went into the living room and sat. Sharon still had a pad and pencil with her.

"What do you want for breakfast tomorrow?" She asked, out loud.

"Something easy. It'll be your first day cleaning the house, finding things and getting things organized. I can do coffee and toast."

Donna spoke up, "He'll have a muffin at work with the boys."

"Will you come home for lunch?"

"Not tomorrow."

"What would you like for dinner?"

"Chicken. We bought some."

"How many breasts will you eat, with veggies and a salad?"

"One."

Donna got up and walked back to her bedroom. I heard the door open and I said, "Donna, we need to talk. Could you come back to the living room, please?"

"We need to talk? What's left to say?"

"Come back please and find out."

She came back. Sharon was still sitting on the love seat. Donna said, "I don't want to have a conversation with her here."

"Ok. Sharon would you please be somewhere else for a while? Donna and I need to talk." She got up and went to her room. We heard the door to her room close before Donna said anything.

"I don't like her here." Tone and body language told me she was looking for a fight.

"I can understand that. You thought you had a job for life, that you couldn't be replaced. You were almost right. Almost."

"The only thing you haven't replaced is me in bed with you!"

"Wrong. Sharon works here. I like her. I don't love her. I love you. You didn't give me many options. I could do everything and get old faster than I'm already getting old or I could hire someone to do most of what you quit doing."

"She didn't need to be young and cute."

"Yes, you're right. But the person who showed up needing the job most was Sharon. I didn't hire her because she's cute. I hired her because she was living in a rusted out trailer, working at Wal-Mart and wearing clothes that were threadbare because that was all she had. I hired her because I couldn't leave her in the cesspool she was in. I don't know how hard she works. I only know she knows how to make a salad and one kind if Italian food. And, since you brought it up, the other side of my bed has been empty since you made the new law. You're welcome there any time, as long as you're there for both reasons."

"Both reasons? I thought you wanted me there to have sex with, but you turned that down. What two reasons?"

"To sleep with me, nude, and to express your love for me physically."

"Those days are gone." She said the words with finality. They felt like a knife in my chest.

"Then, it's time for the second part of the discussion. So far, since we became roommates you've made no contribution to the household. You have eaten food, used electricity, water, a bedroom and a bathroom. When are you going to pay your portion?"

"I don't have a job."

"Then you need to get one. We became roommates on the fourteenth. It is now the twenty-third. You've lived here ten days for free. I'll give you free rent until the fourteenth of next month." I paused, got up and said, "Wait right here."

I walked back to Sharon's door and knocked. A few seconds passed and she opened the door.

"How much rent did you pay for the trailer?"

"Five-fifty, utilities included." I thanked her and closed the door. Back in the living room I said, "Sharon's trailer rented for five-fifty including utilities. I will give you this for the same price. Rent is due on the fifteenth."

"I have no job skills. I can't get a job."

"Then you have until the fourteenth to find somewhere to live for free. Maybe one of your children needs a housekeeper."

"They don't want their mother living with them!"

"I think you're about to discover no one wants a freeloader. Up until the fourteenth of this month I thought things were Ok between us. I wasn't a hundred percent happy, but I still felt we were partners. You were unhappy and you decided how you wanted life to be. We didn't talk about it. You were angry and rude when the subject came up."

"I was not!" Donna's eyes flared at the implication.

"You stood next to the bed and greased up, dropped on the bed, spread your legs and said, ""Ok, husband. I'm ready!" I hadn't seen you nude in three weeks. We hadn't had sex in over a month. I call that behavior rude and I'd go so far as to call it slutty. You can call it anything you want, but I doubt even you would call it the behavior of a loving wife."

She sat stunned. Tears welled up in her eyes and she opened her mouth a couple times, but didn't speak. I waited. She didn't say anything.

I said, "I love you, but love isn't enough. Remember when you went on that diet a year ago? You were very strict about what you would eat and what you would allow in the house."

"I didn't want the temptation!"

"What if I put a chocolate cake on the counter? A chocolate cake with the raspberry filling between the layers. That's still your favorite isn't it? How long could you go without a taste?"

"I wouldn't make it a whole day."

"You are my chocolate cake, Donna. For twenty-six years I've lived with the best chocolate cake I could imagine. In the beginning I got to taste it almost every night. We slowed down to two or three tastes a week and then, once a week. Then once a month, but I could smell the cake every night, and touch you and hold you. I got kisses almost every day." I waited. Donna had been looking at the floor while I spoke. I slapped my hands together hard! "Bam! You said, the cake stays right here where you see it, smell it as it walks by, and you cannot ever have any again!"

She looked up when I slapped my hands together and then back down at the floor.

"I'm not throwing you out." I said. "But, if you're going to be my roommate you're damn sure going to act like a roommate! Ask any one what they would pay to live in a nice home like this. I'm being more than fair, especially since seeing you and knowing you don't want anything to do with me is so damn painful! If you want to be kind to me, get out!"

I had worked hard at keeping my emotions under control. I failed. I spoke what I felt. She looked at me like she didn't even know me. I got off the couch and went towards my bedroom. As I turned the corner I saw Sharon's door slowly closing. She had been listening. I was fine with that. She lived here. She needed to know what the dynamic was she was living inside.

I closed the door to the master bedroom, stripped and climbed into bed. I remembered when I was in sixth grade there were boring days at school and in my classroom there were ceiling tiles with hundreds of holes in them. When I was bored I tried to count them. I made it all the way through sixth grade before I figured out there were twenty-four holes to a side and twenty-four times twenty-four equals five hundred seventy six. I never had counted them. I wished for a ceiling tile with all those holes so I could think of something else.

When I got up, dressed and ready for work I found Sharon in the kitchen. She handed me a mug of coffee. I took a sip and it was great. I said so. She blushed. I remembered that Lazy Boy would be delivering in the afternoon. I told her about it and told her to sign for the chair. It was all paid for. She asked what she should give the delivery guys. I gave her ten one-dollar bills and said, "Give them what you think appropriate." I showed her where I wanted the chair.

It was time for me to go. I caught myself starting to lean towards Sharon for the Good-Bye kiss I'd shared with Donna for so many years. I stopped and met her eyes. She knew what had just happened.

I turned and went out the back door. At about ten I called home. The machine picked up. I said, "Sharon, please answer." She did.

"I forgot to give you my number at work. If you need me, call me. If Donna needs me, call me." She wrote down the number and said, "She's just sitting on the couch."

"Just do your job. She probably will be out within a month."

"I hate to ask..." She almost whispered.

"Ask."

"Can we go to a park and eat tonight? I'll make food, but eating here is painful."

"We'll go out. You don't need to cook. It's a good idea. By the way, are you in new clothes?"

"Yes. I'm wearing all new things. I'm almost afraid to work hard and get them dirty." I could hear the smile in her voice. New clothes have that effect on some people.

"What did you do with your old clothes?"

"Nothing. They're still in my room."

"Bag them for me please. Put the bag beside my bed. Ok?"

"Ok, but why?"

"Because you'll never wear them again. It's sad that you ever had to wear them."

"I'll do as you ask." We ended the call and I went back to work.

I called again as almost everyone at work was leaving and let Sharon know I'd be home by seven-thirty. She thanked me for letting her know.

At seven twenty-five I stopped my car in the driveway. I went inside and as soon as I opened the door I saw Donna get up and leave the living room. I walked into the living room and saw my new chair right where it belonged. Sharon had moved an end table beside the chair and put a coaster and the TV Guide on top.

She came in and said, "Did you sit in it?" She was excited.

"No. I was just admiring it. I wondered if I got a good color." I looked at her face for the answer and she mouthed the words, "We both like it."

I sat in the chair and it was very comfortable. Sharon said, "My Daddy had a chair like that. Sometimes he slept in it. Please don't sleep in it all night."

"I can't promise never, but I will intend to go to bed every night."

"Hungry?"

I got out of the chair and we left. As I backed down the driveway Sharon said, "We talked today."

"How was it?"

"Donna doesn't want to like me. She doesn't want to leave. It's been her home for over half her life. She said she cried all night. She sat on the couch all day in a sort of daze." She paused and took a big breath.

"When the chair came she watched the men bring it in. She said, "I didn't know he wanted one." When they left, it was her idea to put the end table beside it. Alan, I think she's lost. Her nest is empty and she doesn't know what to do."

"I can't fix her! I studied a lot of things in college and the psychology of middle aged women wasn't on the list."

"She doesn't want to be fixed. She wants to be important. She was important, to you and to the kids. Now, they're gone and cooking and cleaning around here isn't much of a job any more. It got to the place in her thinking that her only value..."

"Her only value was for sex! Her hormones messed with more than her temperature regulators! She's thinking like she's crazy."

"I'm no where near where she is and I thought I was worthless too. When I think about the past at all, I still think sometimes the world would be better off if I jumped off a bridge. I have a long, unpleasant story that all points to me being just as important as my threadbare clothes. I'm thirty-seven years old. I gave birth to three children and none of them are still alive. I was married and he's doing life in prison in New Jersey now. I brought him home and introduced him to my sister and my parents. He killed them and my kids. In the trial he said I asked him to do it, all of it."

"I had no idea. I'm sorry."

"I feel just like Donna! My life is crap. I worked hard to have a good life and so did she. We lost everything. Did you ever see an old movie they sometimes show in schools about Eskimos? When they get old and aren't helping the family or the tribe they just wander away and get eaten by a polar bear. For the last three years I've thought of doing that, but there aren't any polar bears in California."

"What do I do? What can I do for either or both of you?"

"First, you can park the car and we can have dinner." That I could do. Over dinner she filled in more of the details for both of them that had somehow slipped by me completely. As we walked out of the restaurant I said, "Rather than help, I've made it worse. When she did what she did in our bed that night I proved to her she was right. The only value she had was between her legs."

Sharon nodded.

"Then I compounded the message by bringing you home." I opened her door and she got in. She looked up at me from the seat and said, "She loves you and she's lost."

I drove home in silence. When I stopped the car and shut off the engine I asked, "What do I do? I'm lost too."

"I have an idea, but it probably isn't any good."

"It's an idea. I don't even have one."

"My idea could make it worse."

"It's already worse. Let's do it!"

We went in the house and she led me to Donna's door. She knocked. Donna said, "Come in." We did. Donna was sitting on her bed wearing the green flannel. She looked up and no emotion showed on her face at all.

Sharon and I sat on the two chairs facing Donna. Donna asked, "What do you want?"

Sharon said, "I want to learn. I want you to help me. But, I will only do this if you both promise to tell the truth, no matter what."

"I always tell the truth." Donna said. I nodded my head.

"Ok. Alan why did you marry Donna?"

"I married her so I could be with her every day. I wanted to share my life with her."

"Donna, why did you marry Alan?"

"I love him. I knew he'd be a good husband and a good father."

"What did you want to be?"

"A good mother and wife."

"Were you a good mother?"

"Yes! Our kids are grown and they're doing fine." I finally heard the pain in her voice as she said those words.

"Alan, has Donna been a good wife?"

"Yes! We've had our good times and tough times, but I could always count on her standing by me. We held on through the tough times and we've partied together."

"Did you ever feel ignored?"

"Sometimes, but I understood. If one of the kids was sick or hurt or something, they came first."

"Is that true, Donna?"

"Yeah, sometimes. They were my job."

"What happened last August?"

"Matt went away to college." Donna said. The sadness dripped from her words.

"Alan, what happened last August?"

"Matt went away to college." I heard my own joy in saying it.

"Donna did you hear him? He was and is happy that Matt left home! Why are you happy about him leaving?"

I answered, "After twenty-three years of being parents first, we can get back to being a couple first."

Sharon said, "All you saw was that your job was over. Twenty-three years ago you took on a project as parents and that project became your life. Alan kept looking ahead to last August so he could get back to living with the woman he loves and sharing life with just her."

I added, "Donna said she got married to be a mother and a wife. I didn't get married to be a Dad. When it happened I loved it, but I've been really waiting all these years to get back to sharing my life with the woman I love."

"So, you wanted to be able to get back into bedding her five times a week and leaving the bedroom door open?" Sharon asked.

"No. Well, maybe that's what I'd like, but the frequency isn't going to be possible. What I've been looking forward to is traveling without kids, diapers, The Cat in the Hat, and having to be quiet so we don't wake the kids. I want to stand beside Donna as we do the dishes and take her in my arms and kiss her for as long as we want without some kid saying, Ewwww, gross! Get a room!" I want to get back to her being my lover and best friend. I want to watch a sunset in Hawaii without wondering if one of the kids is lost, sick or borrowing my car."

"You never said that."

"And you never said you wanted to keep raising kids forever so you could feel important. If you had, I would have told you, you already are the most important person in my universe. Having and raising our children to become adults was a priority for me, not The priority. My life has been focused on you all these years. Because the kids were so important to you, they were important to me. This house was important to you. The SUV to haul the kids around in was what you wanted. If we had gotten married and found out you couldn't have children, I would not have been devastated. I still would have had what I wanted most, you."

"You never said all that."

"I didn't say anything about the flowered sheets either. Having flowered sheets made you happy. I'm for you being happy. Having children made you happy. I'm for you being happy. I can diaper a kid and attend ballet recitals, little league games and all the school plays on the planet, if you come with all of it. Having a four bedroom house makes you happy. I'm for you being happy. Without you, I'm not interested."

Somehow, without me noticing, Sharon had left the room. The door was closed with Donna and I inside. She smiled and said, "The kids aren't here."

"You're right. I've just told you how I've felt for nearly thirty years. Day after day I made it Ok that the kids came first. I knew that I was still there and when they were gone, I'd be back in first place. All of it was Ok, because of that. What isn't Ok is what you said a few days ago. You said, "I'm done. I can go the rest of my life without sex." Then over the next few days you backed out of my life completely. All I've seen of you since the fourteenth is you inside a flannel burkha. Look at it from over here for a moment. Half my life waiting for the kids to grow up and be adults. They do and you divorce me. You're right, the kids aren't home and neither are you. You felt unimportant and so you backed out of our life together. I've been used and tossed aside."

I stood up and opened the bedroom door. As I stepped out into the hallway I said, "If you see my wife, my partner, my lover, tell her I'd love to talk to her." I closed the door and said, "Soon."

I went into the living room and sat in my new chair. I turned on the TV and watched something. I have no idea what it was. By the first commercials I had kicked off my shoes and leaned the chair back. It was quite comfortable. My mind wasn't on the chair. I was focused on the rest of my life. I had a picture in my mind of how I wanted the rest of my life to look. It included kissing Donna every morning and holding her every night. It included going to Hawaii, to Alaska, to lots of places and sharing it all with my best friend forever. I wondered if Donna could or would have the same picture. Some time later I fell asleep.

When my eyes opened the TV was off. There was light from the pre-dawn filtering in through the windows. I was covered with a blanket and I wasn't alone in the chair. I didn't move. She was covered completely by the blanket and she felt really good to me, even without me moving at all. Was it Donna? It had to be. Sharon had helped us, worked with us, to get back together. It wouldn't be her.

I moved an inch and whispered, "Hi. New here in town?"

She moved a little and said, "I think I'd like to stay, if I can find a nice guy to love me."

"What kind of guy do you want? Maybe I can help you find one."

"He should be a little older than me, a little grayer, and a good kisser, for starters."