Jackson

"Oh here it comes, little brother. Mom's been about to explode for the whole weekend and we've all been hoping that you would be the subject of her 'little chat' and none of us. Good luck."

"Thanks, Autumn. I figured it was coming." All the kids laughed.

"Laugh it up, kids. We're changing the will tomorrow, first thing. It's nothing bad. I just wanted a little one on one time WITH MY FAVORITE CHILD!"

"Sure, Mom, whatever."

"Jackson, have a seat. I think I do need to share a wee bit of maternal philosophy and wisdom with you." He groaned. "Hold your excitement. First of all, you love Aria, she loves you. I love Aria like a daughter and long term, I think she will be a great match for you and you for her. So, it's none of that. But...well, you are twenty, but a super mature twenty. Heck, you're as grownup and mature as Autumn or Winter and a heck, a lot more mature than your brother.

"Aria is eighteen, yes, soon to be nineteen, but she is a very young eighteen and an inexperienced eighteen year old at that. I have cautioned both of you to move a little slower, but of course you won't listen. Not to an old fogey like me. So here's the bottom line, if you are going to move ahead quickly with Aria, you know, marriage and all that stuff, which I would recommend strongly that you don't, at least not yet...just live together for a while, like you're doing."

Sighing, "if you're going to rush ahead, then you better have a boat load of forgiveness in you because for the next couple of years, unless my spidey sense is way off the mark, she is going to get her priorities all screwed up and hurt you. And, likely hurt you several times and maybe badly. She's already hurt you right?

"Volleyball and Thanksgiving are just examples. You haven't said anything, but she's been gone all semester, right? And you're doing everything, right? The team has become more important than you. She doesn't feel that way and would deny it, but for you it's real and it hurts, right?" He just looked at her.

Shaking her head, "No need to answer any of those questions, Jackson. I can see it in your eyes and the way you've been all weekend. Something big is missing in your life. So...either slow it down, or learn to forgive her. This is the first time she's been in love and she is going to fuck it up a bunch until she gets her mind straight. She doesn't understand that responsibility to your partner goes along with love and commitment. So, any thoughts? And I apologize for kind of beating around the bush and not being brutally straightforward, but I don't think you're up for that, are you?"

He shook his head and his eyes, got moist. "Dang, Mom, how do you do it? It's like you can read my mind, and, heck, her mind too. Since the first day of volleyball...well, it's like I'm just there to take care of her. She's gone half of every week, most of each day and she's dropped almost all her classes. It's not like I'm even a close second. I'm way down the line somewhere. It does hurt. It hurts every single day, a lot. She says she's going to change when she gets back, but who knows."

"Here, give me a hug. I wish I could just shake some sense into her for you, but it takes time. She kind of has to learn on her own. Mature some. Realize what's important. That said, if I can talk to either one of you and you think it might help, remember, I'm always here. Hang, in there Jackson. Bottom line, she loves you and may never love anyone else. But get ready for a bumpy ride. Now get the heck out of here and have a great week. Maybe she'll start making it up to you tonight. I love you.

"Oh, and don't tell the others, but you are my favorite kid."

Laughing, "Sure, Mom, and I'm sure you said that to each of us."

"Well, maybe..." She hugged him again.

When he got back to Boulder, she was asleep on the couch. He covered her with a blanket and went to bed. He had an early class and she was still sleeping when he left the next morning. So much for make up sex or whatever, he thought and shook his head.

Aria kept her promise. Once volleyball was over, it was all Jackson all the time. And they got married in June. Both moms had recommended slowing down and holding off, at least for a bit, but it was no use. Aria told them she had her priorities straight even though she was not yet twenty and was ready to face the challenges that might come. The thought of being without Jackson was unimaginable to her.

It was small wedding. Just close family and a few friends. They wanted to keep the costs down since Aria's mother was a single mom with two still in college. Ali offered to spring for it, but they made it simple, homey, and so much fun. They loved it.

No honeymoon since summer semester was getting ready to start and he had signed up for classes. She signed up for one, but there was conditioning and other 'informal' workouts for the team. Aria found out she was pregnant in August.

"Oh, Jackson. I am so excited about this baby. I don't know how it happened, I took all my pills. Or I thought I did. I guess with you I should have doubled up or something. Darn we have so much to do. To plan for. To learn about. We need to look at a different apartment. I hope we'll be able to swing it financially.

"And volleyball practice starts in a couple of weeks..."

"Aria. Don't play volleyball, please? Last year....well, last year was a major bump in our for better or worse stuff, if you remember."

"I know. I did it all wrong. And I promise I won't repeat my mistakes. I will make sure I make you, and the baby, my number one priorities. The obstetrician said if I was doing OK I could play until my fourth month or so."

"That's not exactly what she said. She said if the ultrasound and everything looked great, and you pulled your punches, no diving around and throwing yourself on the floor, and got plenty of rest then 'maybe' until the fourth month. She also said if you landed wrong, got hit or whatever, you could have major complications."

"None of that will happen. That's all CYA stuff they have to tell folks."

"No, Aria it's not just CYA stuff. Please. Please don't play. It's not just important to me. It's also important for our baby."

"I'll be careful. Promise."

The season went well. She made time for Jackson and rested whenever possible for the baby. By mid November, with her help, the team was bound for the NCAA playoffs, but still had a couple of 'easy' games left.

They were well ahead. They'd beaten Salt Lake before during the season. The Salt Lake team was frustrated. They didn't want to be eliminated this early in the playoffs. Their leading spiker was fed the ball and went up high to drive it down. Not for a point, but to hurt, to hurt the person who'd been the biggest thorn in their side this game. Aria leaped high to block it. The ball was spiked with everything the opponent had. But instead of going high, it went low, striking Aria in the lower belly.

She felt something tear and fell to the ground in severe pain. She curled into a ball on her side clutching her belly. Her teammates and the opponents were horrified and there were screams from the crowd as blood seeped through her shorts and started forming a large puddle on the floor.

Pain. All she felt was pain. And pressure! She thought her insides were about to explode as her uterus flooded with blood. THE BABY! Her last thoughts were, 'WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY?' She was barely conscious as she was put on the stretcher and whisked to the emergency room. On the way, the medics started an IV and fluids allowed to flow wide open to try to keep her blood pressure up. Gauze was packed in her vagina to see if they could slow the bleeding.

A trauma OR room was set up and waiting at the hospital in Salt Lake and she was taken directly back and anesthetized. They tried to clean things out through the cervix with no luck. The bleeding continued. O negative blood was being pushed as quickly as possible, but they were losing ground.

A lower incision was made above her pubic bone and the uterus opened. The placenta was noted to be partially separated from the uterine wall and all the myriad vessels feeding the baby were ruptured, but still open and bleeding.

The placenta was removed. The baby, dead. The uterus was packed until the bleeding stopped and then everything was repaired and sutured close. Her vital signs stabilized and the OR team collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

It was well into the evening when Jackson picked up his phone. "Hello, is this Mr. Turner? Your wife has had an accident."

"What! Is she alright?"

"She was apparently struck in the belly by a volleyball. It knocked the placenta loose and she started bleeding. What the hell was she doing playing volleyball that far along? Anyway, she's alright, now, but required six units of unmatched blood. We almost lost her on the table, but I think she'll be fine now."

"I'm assuming the baby was lost?"

"Yes. She was not getting any oxygen since the placenta was not really fully attached. I'm so sorry. "

"I understand doctor. Thank you for everything and saving her. Which hospital?"

He was worried, but also fuming. Dammit! She killed our baby and almost killed herself. All for that stupid fucking game. What the hell is wrong with her? He just couldn't understand.

He got in the car and drove the eight hours to Salt Lake. They allowed him into the ICU. He buried his anger. God, she looked so pale, washed out. He took her hand and she opened her eyes. "Jackson? What are you doing here? Wait! Where am I?"

"It's alright, Aria. You're in the ICU at a hospital in Salt Lake. The ball...well, the ball made you bleed a lot and you had emergency surgery to stop it. You got a lot of blood, but everything is alright now."

"What about my baby?"

"OUR baby...," he retorted without thinking, "well, she didn't make it."

"Noooo!" she wailed. "No, no, no! It can't be. The doctor said..."

"The doctor said you were taking a big risk. And you lost the bet. But we need to concentrate on getting you better and getting you home." She pulled her hand free, turned away from him, and cried. He put a hand on her shoulder, but it didn't seem to help.

Three days later she was discharged. She had barely spoken to him the whole time. She was silent on the way home. He tried to talk to her. Discuss meaningless stuff, school, the weather, anything he could think of, but she just stared forward. He helped her into the apartment and into bed and she cried herself to sleep.

He made pancakes and sausage for her the next morning. "I'm not hungry."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No. I just need to go back to bed."

"Aria, let me help, please?" She turned and went back to bed. No thanks, no understanding for his grief. He'd lost a child also. And now it appeared, a partner, who was his strength, his foundation, when he needed one.

He called his mom. "Mom, I don't know what to do. On the one hand I feel like beating the shit out of her for killing our daughter. Yes! Yes she did, Mom. She was warned about playing and it was a meaningless game. She shouldn't have been playing.

"The other part of me wants to help. But she won't even talk to me. Will hardly even get out of bed." Getting impatient, "Yes. I know how hard it is to lose a baby. I FUCKING LOST ONE TOO! Remember! Why does no one understand that? This whole marriage has been screwed up since she started volleyball. No. I won't do anything rash. Let me give her mother an update."

He called and filled her in. "Mrs. Spencer. Do you think you could come over? She won't talk to me. Won't eat, get out of bed. Nothing. Thanks. See you after a while."

"Hi, Mrs. Spencer, errr, Emily. How was the drive?"

"Fine. It's not that far. So what's going on?"

"She's in the bedroom with the curtains drawn, lights out, head under the covers. Once in a while she gets up to get something to drink, but won't talk to me at all. I swear she hasn't taken a shower or anything. She hasn't even let me check her incision. Maybe she'll listen to you. I've been out here on the couch. I need to get back to classes, but I'm afraid to leave."

"Hang in there, Jackson. Please. She's quite a piece of work. I know it seems she's bound and determined to mess things up, but she's...hell, Jackson, I just don't know what her damn problem is. But how are you?"

He teared up. She stepped forward and hugged him. "Oh, Jackson. I'm so sorry. So sorry about all this. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"I just feel lost. When I need her most, she abandons me. Last year, this year, now with the baby. I need her. Her strength, her closeness, but she's all over the place. The best woman in the world and I'm the center of her universe, and then I don't even exist. Pull me off the shelf. Make me feel like the man of the century. Then put me back on the shelf or more like, just forget about me and leave me on the floor.

"Emily, she does nothing around here. I cook, clean, laundry, shopping. You name it. She does volleyball and a little course work. But she takes so few hours, hell, right now she'll be lucky if she graduates three years behind me."

"What? I thought she was taking a full load."

"Nope. Nine or ten hours, I think. Maybe less. She won't discuss it. Actually it was less this Fall semester. Her coach told her that way she could have five years of eligibility."

"Pardon my French, but that's fucked up. She'd rather stay here and play ball than graduate with you?"

"Yup. And let me just say, Emily. When I graduate, I'm going to where I find a job. If she wants to stay and play. Have at it. I'm tired of this crap. It's getting pretty old."

"I don't blame you. Not a bit. Dang, Jackson. Part of me wonders why you're still here."

"Part of me does too." She hugged him again. "Do remember, though, that your folks and I are here to help. Help YOU. Whatever it takes to help YOU get through this. The loss of a child destroys a lot of marriages, relationships unless the couple finds strength in each other. She's not handling this well or helping you, but we will. Your brother and sisters will. So hang in there, Jackson. Please. Just let us know what we can do."

Walking into the bedroom she flipped on the light and opened the shades to let the light in.

"OK, Aria. What the heck is going on? Why are you shut away in the dark?"

"The baby. I lost my little girl. It just hurts so much!"

"So, tell me again why you won't let Jackson help?"

"He doesn't understand. He's so strong. Never needs anything."

"She was his baby, too."

"People keep saying that, but she was in me. Growing in me. I felt her every day. How can he feel the way I do."

"Whoa! If you really believe that, you're a whole lot more screwed up than I thought. Let me just tell you. That big strong man out there has been crying his eyes out. For the baby, for you, for himself. And you haven't been there when he needed you. He needs you, Aria. And if you're not going to be there when he needs you, then if he's like most folks, he'll find someone who will be. Just saying.

"Now get your sorry ass out of bed. Take a shower. You stink. And your hair! What the hell, Aria? Then I'll check that incision. Have you even been cleaning it and taking care of it?" She shook her head. "Dammit, Aria. That's a hospital dressing. You have the same dressing you came home with. For the love of Pete."

"Jackson. You're right. She's a mess. I'm going to stay a few days. Why don't I..."

"No. I'll drive out and get a roll away, some sheets and blankets. What else?"

"Here, Jackson. Let me give you some money."

"Thanks, but, no. My responsibility. That's why I work."

"Jackson, please. You don't have to do this alone. Your mom and I will help with whatever you need."

"I need Aria. Can you help with that?" She sadly shook her head.

Her mom stayed a week. No significant change. Jackson resumed his regular activities. Trying to cheer her up. Leaving food outside the door. He now used the roll away bed and bought an unfinished dresser to keep his clothes in.

In the middle of December he heard her phone go off and for the first time she answered it. He heard her moving around and then the shower running. Thirty minutes later she came out of her room with a carry on suitcase.

"What?"

"I'm going to Tampa with the team. My ride to the airport will be here in a few minutes."

"I'll get a flight and join you."

"No. Thanks, but I'm going with the team."

"Good luck." Maybe your fucking plane will crash and put us both out of our misery, he thought. She walked out the door. No kiss, I love you, I'll miss you. Nothing,

He recorded the elimination rounds and watched them after work. Aria was dressed out. Sat on the bench, but didn't play. She was active, animated, yelling encouragement. He guessed she did need the team. And not him. He was on his own.

She never answered his calls, his texts. He called the hotel where the team was staying. Nothing.

Tomorrow was the quarter finals. He thought that maybe he should fly down tonight and be there for it. Maybe he could cheer along with her if they won or commiserate with her if they lost. Give things one last try. Maybe she would talk to him in person since he hadn't been able to connect any other way.

The next evening he was in the stadium. In the back. One of the few seats left. A tough game but Aria's team won and all the players went nuts. He noted that a tall girl went over and hugged Aria. They kissed. Not a brief one. Her right hand was on Aria's butt, the left on the side of her breast.

So that's it! That's why she needed the team and not him! That's why she wasn't interested in having sex during the season. He got up. He'd seen enough and put up with enough. He'd take the red eye tonight and then. Not sure. But this was the end. The end of all her bullshit! No fucking more!

It turned out that that kiss was all over the news and social media. He got home, packed some clothes, took off his wedding ring and put it on the kitchen table along with a copy of the photo and a note:

A: I guess now I understand why you block me out during volleyball season. Why I couldn't console you after the death of YOUR baby and so much more. I guess when you said I was your first and your last to be inside, it didn't apply to fingers and tongues.

I'll start work on the divorce papers. I'd like to say it's been nice. But. If you include the ten to twelve months of volleyball, which was like 2/3's of our time together, overall it sucked. I knew I was too short for you. My mistake.

In Tampa, the team celebrated, but they had practice prep for the semi's tomorrow so they turned in early. Aria was excited about the win and some of the cloud had lifted. As she sat on the bed, Chris the girl who always bunked with her and had kissed her on the floor sat down next to her.

They talked a little and then Chris pulled her close and kissed her, sliding her tongue between Aria's lips. Aria started to relax then froze. "STOP! Don't. What are you doing?"

"Well, I just thought..."

"What do you mean you just thought?""

"Well, we've been so close..."

"A guy tried to rape me in high school. He tried force. But you...you, Chris, are preying on my pain, loneliness on the road, my weaknesses. You're seducing me too, trying to take advantage."

"No, Aria! No way! I would never! I guess I misread the signals. I thought you wanted this. It seemed like a natural progression of our friendship. We kissed after the game and I'm pretty sure you kissed me back. I..."

"Chris, I'm married! Married to the most wonderful man in the world."

"Really? You'd never know it. We're roommates on all of our trips, remember? Two years and you hardly ever say a word about him since Thanksgiving last year. Never a 'I miss him', 'Wish he were here', nothing. Heck, the only reason I know his name is Jackson is because it's so cool. Did you call him last night? Have you called him today? I heard your phone, did you answer ANY of his calls, his texts? Shit, Aria, he's called the room and left messages that you haven't even listened to them. I know you haven't. That's not how I would treat the most wonderful person in the world.