Jackson

"You rarely wear your rings on our trips, I assume you at least still have a ring. Hell, I wasn't even sure you were still married. How the hell was I supposed to know? You lost your baby! You almost died! Why the hell are you even here instead of with him! I sure as hell would be with the one I loved after that. Trying to help each other get through it.

"So, I'm sorry if I misread the signals. It never happened. We'll just be friends."

Aria's eyes flew open and she stared ahead. Tears formed and escaped her lids."Oh, God! You're right! You're right! What have I done? What have I been thinking?" Waves of guilt, shame, regret swallowed her and blocked out everything else. A pain filled groan from deep in her soul escaped her lips as the reality of her actions engulfed her. Tears ran from her eyes. "You're right, Chris! I did it again! Too young. Too stupid. My mantra. I've been such a fool! I've been so awful to him. I am the stupidest girl on the planet and the worst wife...

"I have to fix this! I have to make it right! I have to go, Chris. Tell the coach I quit. I won't be back, ever."

She called, texted. Left impassioned voicemails. Nothing. She called her mom, his mom. They didn't respond.

She sat in the airport for 36 hours on standby before she could get a flight. Arriving home, she rushed through the door. "Jackson! Jackson! I love you. I'm sorry. I..." But he wasn't home. She saw his ring, his phone, picked up his note, gave and released another soul wrenching cry of pain and loss. And fell apart.

What had she done? What had she done to Jackson? How could she have been so stupid? Gotten her priorities so messed up? Just like Ali and her mom had warned. She'd hurt the person she cared most about on the planet. This must have just about killed him. The person she assumed would always be there.

More texts. More calls. Only the phone on the table responded. More calls to her mother begging her to pick up. Nothing.

A few moments later she knew where he would have gone. He must be at home. She drove to his house, ran up the steps and entered without knocking. "Jackson. I love you. Where are you?"

"He's not here, Aria."

"Where is he, Ali? I've been so screwed up. I know I must have hurt him to death. I have to straighten things out. I need to find him."

"He's gone, Aria."

"Where?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. Somewhere in the boonies on a research trip for six to nine months. Only satellite phones. That's all I know."

"Where? I'll go there!"

"I don't know, dammit! I only got a text. And after what you've done to him, why would I tell you anyway?"

"Because I have to make it right. I have to help him. Apologize. I don't know. And I...I killed my baby."

"Yes you did, Aria. But she wasn't YOUR fucking baby. It was yours AND JACKSON'S baby. You killed HIS baby by being careless, selfish, immature. And if that weren't bad enough, then you killed MY fucking baby, Aria. The kindest, gentlest, most loving man on the planet. A man who loved you with every fiber of his being and you shit on him over and over and over again. You killed him too. How could you do it to him? Why? What did he do to deserve it?"

Sobbing, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't know what was wrong with me. He left his ring. He said we're getting a divorce..."

"Good! I'd have sent you packing last year after the shit you pulled with volleyball. I never would have married you. And, hell, forget about the baby for a second, I would probably have divorced you because of volleyball this year. You act like you can pull him off the shelf during the off season and he should be happy enough with that? We talked about going slow, taking it step by step, and talked about priorities, but you put you above Jackson, above the baby, above everything."

"I know. But I wanted him to be proud of me. I don't want a divorce. I need to make it right."

"And let's see. You do that by making out with a girl in public who has a hand on your butt and the other on your boob. Looks to me and to everybody on the fucking planet that you and that tall chick have been sharing more than good times."

"Ali. We never did anything. I didn't even really realize she kissed me and I sure as heck didn't realize her hands were there. She tried to kiss me in our room and I took the first flight home. I never cheated on him. I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM AND NEVER WOULD CHEAT ON HIM!"

"But you did. You did cheat on him. You gave your love to your friend. You gave your love to your team. You found solace in them. And you took it away from the man that loved you. You left him alone to do everything for the two of you last year, this year...And then when he needed you most. Needed your strength and support you weren't there. When the baby died, HIS baby, Aria, you turned your back on him. Worse than cheating. Far worse.

"So, bottom line. I don't know where he is and frankly, I'm not looking. Sorry. I just hope that I hear from him so maybe I can help. I wish I could help MY baby. So, go home, Aria. I'm pretty sure he doesn't need your kind of help. You've helped enough already. Hell, I don't know if you're just too young, too immature, or just somehow feel entitled. Maybe your mom can help straighten your sorry ass out. Maybe you can try again later, when you're older, with someone else. Shit! I don't know."

"I'm going to fix this. Even if he won't have me, I'm going to fix Jackson. Ali, I'm so sorry for all the evil things I've done to him. And I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing you. You've always been like a second mother to me. I'm sorry, just sorry for being so stupid. For getting my priorities all wrong. Just like you talked to me about."

She raced to her house and ran inside. "Mom! Mom! Do you know where Jackson is?"

"Nope. Gone. That's all I know." She collapsed to the floor, put her hands to her face and cried. Her mom watched her for a bit then went over and helped her up. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up and into some pajamas and we'll talk. We can see if there's any way to fix things, but you've messed things up big time and I've feeling that done is done. He was at the game you know. He watched the kiss and the 'groping seen round the world.' He went there to be with you. To see if he could break through, but then..."

Whispering... "He was there? Oh, God. That's even worse! Mom, I didn't even realize she'd kissed me. I never felt her hands. I.."

"Looked like you were having a long term affair with that number ten."

"But I wasn't."

"I think that was just the last straw, Hon. Can I get you something to eat?"

She awoke with a plan. Someone, somewhere knew where he was. People don't just disappear. He would've figured that she wouldn't look for him so no reason to hide his tracks. Should be easy.

She didn't think she could get his texts, or at least not quickly, everything had been erased. But she could check his emails. Nothing in that account. There! There was an agreement! Where the heck is Grande Cache? Willshire Wilderness? Winter animal survey? What the heck? He's studying elk and wolves or whatever?

He'd talked about doing something like this, he was an ecology major, after all, but she'd never really listened! She never even listened! She started to cry, again, and damned herself for being so selfish, immature, and everything else she could think of. How could she have been so screwed up? Too young. Too stupid.

As she thought back and thought of all that she had done to him since she turned 18. He'd been so patient. So forgiving. Ali was right! Aria knew she would never have put up with it if their roles had been reversed and she'd have dumped him last year. How the heck had he been that patient? How had he managed to keep trying to save what they had? She knew the marriage was over... done, but she had to at least try to make him better. Help him heal. Understand that it was all her fault. The crying continued.

Without Jackson. God, without Jackson, she knew she would just shrivel and melt like some Halloween pumpkin in the hot sun. She could already feel her face collapsing. Stop! So, how the hell was she going to get there? Step by step, Aria. Follow the bread crumbs. Just follow the bread crumbs.

Let's see. Fly to Edmonton. Shit. Looks like he was picked up there. She tried to figure out how she could get to Grande Cache. She could rent a car, but what if he let her stay? So that was out. She continued her searches. There! She could take a bus to Grande Cache and then ask around. They had to spend the night in some hotel or bed and breakfast. Someone in town had to know where the study cabin was.

She booked a flight to Alberta for tomorrow. Of all places, she never thought she'd be headed there. Crap. She looked at the average temperatures. Cold. At least they didn't usually get too much snow this early in the season. She checked the upcoming weather for Grande Cache. Cold, but no worse than Boulder's January or February temps.

So, first she needed to transfer a bunch of money from their joint account to her debit. Mostly the money Jackson had made working at the sports store. Another wave of guilt swallowed her and threatened to paralyze. What had she added to their relationship? Pulling herself together and refocusing...Tomorrow she would get a bunch of cash. And then...

Two days later she was in Edmonton. Too late to go anywhere that night. She saw a hotel she could walk to. "Hi. I'd like to get a room for tonight. Great. Can you tell me how I can get to Grande Cache. There's a bus right?"

"Yes, Miss. But it takes a while. Two hundred and fifty miles or so. If you drive it's like four and a half, five hours. Sometimes quicker, you know," whispering, "no police way out there. But there're always slow pokes on the road. Tourists, and such. Sightseers." And he winked at her. She nodded. "The bus though, stops at every town so..."

"So it takes forever. That's alright. What time's it leave."

"Around nine or so."

"Sounds great. Is there a restaurant open nearby?"

The bus took over nine hours. 'Lots of traffic today.' And a lot of folks getting on and off. She greeted each as they passed by to find a seat. Friendly people up here. She liked it.

So, this was Grande Cache. It was beautiful. A wonderful little town. Mountains weren't as tall as Boulder's, but everything looks fresh and clean. Friendly people. Now what? She saw Anna's B 'n B and remembered that he had stayed there overnight. Let she wheeled her small suitcase in that direction and hoped there has a room.

"Hi. Are you Anna?"

"Why, yes I am. Welcome the Grande Cache. First trip?"

"Yes, Anna. I'm Aria Turner. I need a room for tonight and...was there a guy by the name of Jackson Turner that stayed here a few nights ago? He's about yea tall and handsome as all get out."

"Sure was. Nice fella. Had something wrong with his left ear. I guessed him to be a wrestler or something."

"Yes! That's him."

"Yup, he was headed out to that research site up in the mountains. Dang! I can't believe anyone wants to go up there this time of year. Cold enough to freeze a witch's...let's just say witch's upper parts." They both laughed. "Why are you looking for him. You a sister or something? Same name, but you have a ring, he didn't.

"Actually, his wife. At least for now. I need to find him. I messed up big time and I need to talk to him."

"Cheat on him, did you?"

"No! But he thinks I did. And I lost our baby and I was so rotten to him and..." She started to cry. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I'm sorry, Anna. Bottom line, I messed up everything and hurt him very badly. I have to try and make him better."

Touching her arm. "There, there, deary. What's meant to be is meant to be. He was pretty quiet. Hardly spoke. He looked kind of lost and...I don't know. He looked like one of those hunters who got lost in the woods for a while. You know what I mean? He wasn't focused or happy go lucky. And you could tell he was a kind of guy that loved to smile and laugh."

"I did that to him. I'm responsible. That's why I have to try to fix him, help him feel better, know that none of it was his fault....Even if he doesn't want me anymore." More tears.

"But, Aria? May I call you Aria?" She nodded. "It's not easy to get up there. There's a pretty good trail there to start. Makes a loop around Mount Stearn. Pretty busy in the summer, but...but the cabin is like twenty, twenty-five miles or something. Up at Ruff Lake. Lots of up and down. And the trail's not so great. Those legs of yours can eat up some ground, I reckon, but I don't think you can make it in a day. Heck, they took snowmobiles."

"Well, I'll just rent one. Or buy one if I have to. I can do that, right?"

"Errr, no. No motorized vehicles allowed. Scares the animals, you know. They have special permission. Permits because of the study and all. It's cold, just about freezing in the day time, but pretty chilly at night. And that's here. It's higher and colder out there. It's only about five miles as the crow flies to the first turn off. The turn off to Lightning Ridge.

"But it's uphill all the way and with all the switch backs and things. And after that, the trail to Ruff Lake and the cabin. Well, let's just say it's kinda primitive. A lot of folks do the loop around Mount Stearn, but not in the winter. And few folks here ever walk further out. Except for a few hunters and such."

"I'll make it one day. I'll do whatever I have to, to try and ease his pain and make things right."

"But it's never a good idea to go alone. And there's a front coming through soon which may bring snow. Probably not much, but...."

"I know. It's an awful, terrible idea, but I can't wait. I have to go. Waiting is not really an option." And as she said it, she realized that without Jackson she may as well just walk off into the wilderness, forever. There'd never be another and the ache, the emptiness she felt inside...had to be filled back up by Jackson or...

"Tell you what. Why don't you get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, breakfast is six to eight. But then I can take a look at what you brought in that suitcase of yours and then we'll go to the outfitters to get what you might need. We don't want you to be one of the statistics. Bad for business, you know." And smiled at her. "Deal?"

"Deal."

Next morning. "That breakfast was wonderful, Anna."

"Thanks. Now let me just get this cleaned up and get some snacks out and things and then we can go."

"Here, I'll help clear the tables. Just tell me what you want me to do."

It took a while to clean up and get ready for the rest of the day. It was ten by the time they got to the outfitter shop. "Homer. This is Aria. She's planning to hike to that research cabin. You know the one in there behind Mt. Stearn? Just below Ruff Lake?"

"Really? Not the best time of the year."

"I know. I live near Estes Park in Colorado. So I know it'll be bad, but I have to get there. No choice."

"But the weather report's calling for snow sometime tomorrow. And then you know how it works right. Snow comes in, then once that's done, cold as can be and windy. We don't usually get much snow this time of year, but...But they think this could maybe be a bad one.

"I'd try to talk you out of it, but you look pretty determined and Anna already called. You need some warm survival clothes and things, but...Well, the trail may be a mess or...you just might not make it in one day. Well, I don't think there's any way you can make it in one day. Not all that way. Look, to be honest, this is a really bad idea, Miss. I mean, even if you were an experienced woodsman, you wouldn't want to go alone."

"Is there any other way for me to get there?" He shook his head. "Then, there's no other option. I'm going. And it sounds like I need to leave as soon as possible to beat the weather."

"So, you'll need stuff to spend the night in the cold. Have to plan on more than one night. You know, it's supposed to get down to below zero or lower up there the next few nights. Way too early for that nonsense. And if we get you all the stuff you need, how the heck are you going to carry it? A full pack that size is pretty heavy and, uh, it's mostly up hill."

"What about a toboggan or sled or something. I could put a rope around myself and drag it? Or maybe there's some kind of shoulder harness?"

"That'd work, but still won't be your basic fun filled hike. Summer and early Fall. It's great. Closing in on Christmas time, not so much. At least we haven't gotten much snow yet. Just a light coating I've heard from a couple of hunters. It'll help you drag your sled. The weatherman's alway's full of crap. 'With the mountains you just can't predict...' But this could be a mess if you don't get up there quickly."

She got everything he suggested. All the survival gear. If he doesn't want me to stay, I'll have to head right back. I'll be in the woods overnight for sure.

"Look, Aria. This far north, it's dark by five I think it's too late for you to leave. Stay another night and I'll get you across the Smoky and on the trail at first light tomorrow. How's that? But first light's not till about 8:30 or so."

"I guess I have no choice."

Next morning she helped Anna set out a buffet for breakfast and they headed across town and to the river. They crossed the ice and she showed her the trail head. "Here you are, Aria. Now, remember the map. The trail to the cabin comes off on the right, five or six miles in. If you get to Mount Stearn, you've gone too far. You take the Lightning Ridge trail for a while and then take the right fork. The trail is pretty clear, but you have to pay attention. You don't want to walk past it. Got it?"

A pleading look on her face, "Aria? I understand what you're aimin' to do. But, darn girl, this is a really bad idea. You know, with that front coming in and stuff. We never know for sure what we're going to get...and it'll get cold. Real cold. So don't dawdle. You have to get to the cabin before the storm.

"And...Here. You have to take this. It's an emergency signal device. If you get stuck or something bad happens, it sends out a signal so folks can try to rescue you. But don't wait too long to use it. It'll take 'em a while to get there. I do hope things can work out for you two. And if you stay, use that sat. phone to let me know you made it, will you, Hon? I'll be fretting the whole time." She gave her a hug.

"Sure thing. Don't worry. I'll be fine." Aria turned to leave. Then gave Anna another hug. "Thank you, Anna. Thanks for helping me. I may be back in a few days. But I hope not." Aria set off down the trail pulling her large plastic toboggan.

Anna started back to the B 'n B. She really liked that girl. But figured that this was a big mistake, pretty risky. Even for a girl from the mountains. A lot warmer down there, she thought. Not like here in the north.

And even when she made it, it could be pretty interesting. Quite a tale. Anna felt like maybe she'd made a mistake. Maybe she should have told her that he wasn't alone. That there was this wee little cute thing with him. And that wee thing had him in her sites for sure. No doubt at all about that. She just hoped Aria was not too late.

As she headed out Aria figured things were not too bad. Temperature in the teens, there was enough snow to drag her gear easily, the ground was kind of frozen, but then she found it was soggy underneath. The surface crust kept cracking and she would sink into the mud below. She figured she must be walking along a stream bed or something and knew it would suck until she reached higher ground. Each step was bogged down as it broke through the crust. She thought of going off trail, but with her toboggan, she had to stay on it. It slowed everything down.

Everything was up hill. Just like she'd expected. Pretty steep, but manageable. She knew she could do it. Just had to keep walking. Step, step. Much harder because of the sled. She wished she hadn't brought so much stuff, but after all the lectures she'd received...She tried to ignore her legs. Just concentrate on breathing, but soon she was breathing hard, then panting. One by one her layers came off and before long she was down to her wool shirt despite the temperature.