Lightning In a Bottle

At "Mason Raymond Davis, Magna Cum Laude," I stepped forward, took my diploma, and turned back toward my seat. I was stunned to see John in the back of the auditorium, leaning against the wall. When we made eye contact, he raised his eyebrows, just as he had when I first saw him, in the library during his orientation tour.

I walked past my row and straight to John. He opened his arms, and I buried myself in him.

"Congratulations, Carrot," he whispered in my ear.

"Oh, Josie, I can't believe you're here."

"I could not miss it," he said, and I immediately realized I had missed his the year before. "You look great in a black dress, by the way."

I assume they kept calling names. I didn't hear them. I was too caught up in the moment, holding John as tight as I could. We rocked back and forth.

"I need to kiss you," he said. We ducked into the vestibule, and John buried his tongue in my mouth. He took my breath away.

"Can we get out of here?" he asked.

"Not just yet. My family's here. We're all going to dinner tonight. I need to tell them I will meet them there."

I gave John the key to the apartment, and he headed out. As the auditorium emptied, Freddie got to me first.

"John's here," I said.

"I saw. Kind of a surprising development, no?"

"Very."

"Good luck, but be careful. You were just starting to be happy again."

"I know."

When I got to the apartment, John was in my bed. He pulled the blanket away to show me he was naked and hard. "I took a chance, Mace, that you and Freddie are not together."

"We're not."

"I'm glad. Vi and I aren't either."

"What happened?"

"I will tell you later. Right now, get your clothes off and get in here."

I tore my clothes off, dove into the bed, and pulled John over on top of me. We kissed and licked and sucked each other. As John delivered himself slowly to me and stared into my eyes, I was overcome with emotion.

"I love you so much, John. Always and forever."

"I love you, too, Mason. Always and forever."

*****

As I write this 25 years later, I still love John. I still ache a little when I think about him and what might have been.

We didn't last. Life - and his inability to embrace it - interfered. I spent the summer in Chicago studying for the bar with Freddie. John went back to D.C. to finish his clerkship. He had missed out on the Supreme Court, but he had landed a job in the Solicitor General's office. So, he'd be staying in D.C. once his clerkship was over.

I went to D.C. almost every weekend that summer. When I could not, John came to Chicago.

After the bar exam, I headed to San Diego and my clerkship on the Ninth Circuit. We were almost as far away from each other as we could be, and long-distance relationships were much harder then than they are now. And, they're still hard.

John wanted me, but still only privately. Vi had broken up with him because of the distance between them, not because John told her about me or about us. John was no farther down the road than he had been.

While I was in San Diego, I met someone. It started innocently, at the gym. I didn't even know Juan - John, Juan, there must be something in the name - was gay until we were friends and working out together. I did know, however, that he was hot. When I first saw "Looking," I did a double-take. Richie looked exactly like Juan had looked when I met him, two decades earlier.

After about six months, I realized I was falling for Juan. Part of Juan's allure was that he lived openly. He was gay, and he didn't care. He didn't flaunt it, but he didn't hide it, either.

I took John to Freddie's wedding. After the reception, we were in bed, talking. My head was on his chest. Innocently, I asked "If you could marry me, would you?"

"Mace, can we talk about something else?"

I had my answer. It was either "yes" or anything else, all of which meant no.

I raised my head. "Why not?" I asked. "I'd marry you."

"Be realistic," he said. I let it drop.

I didn't sleep at all that night. When John woke up the next morning, I knew what I had to do. I made slow, sweet love to him, and then had him make slow, sweet love to me. As we recovered, I told John that what we had was not enough for me. He was, but it was not.

"I know, Carrot," he said. "But, it is all I can give you. If it is not enough, it is not enough."

There was no drama and there were no tears. We left Freddie's wedding friends and vowed to stay that way.

I took Juan to John's wedding to Susan two years later. John introduced me as his best friend from law school. I introduced Juan as my boyfriend.

John came to my wedding to Juan last summer, after the Supreme Court's marriage equality ruling. He came alone. His marriage to Susan had not lasted. His marriage to Claire had not lasted. And, his marriage to Cheryl had not lasted.

As Juan worked the room, John and I sat and talked over gins and tonic. We were both nostalgic. John asked, "Do you ever wonder how our lives would have turned out if I had stolen you away to that island?"

"No," I said. "I'm living that life, just not with you."

"Touche, Carrot," John said. "Touche."