Losing Faith in Faith

Further, all claims that God does exist fell short of proving anything. They, too, were simply assertions backed up by anecdotal personal stories that included, 'Well, I know what I know and you can't prove I haven't had this experience'. No, he couldn't disprove it nor did he care to even bother trying.

Those facts were more than enough to help him understand why God 'remained hidden' or only seemed to randomly 'answer prayers'. The reason was no such Being existed. That realization helped him see that the things he'd been secretly assuming might be true really were. Chief among them was that there was no Higher Power. If there was, It was so well hidden as to make Its existence meaningless to people who prayed to It to intervene in their lives—their assertions to the contrary aside.

Now it made sense why accidents happened like the one that killed his beautiful wife. He understood why children suffered and died from cancer, malaria, cholera, dysentery, and AIDS in spite of 'the fervent prayers of the righteous.'

They did, not because 'man rebelled and God cursed the world', but because—shit happens. Cells mutate and cause cancer. People drink and drive and lose control of their cars. Fires start from carelessness or arson and people die. Unless precautions are taken and sanitary conditions exist, diseases spread. It had nothing to do with some 'grand scheme', it was just the universe rolling along according to the fundamental laws that governed its existence. The universe wasn't out to get anyone, it was just indifferent. So if God and the universe were the same, then it still made no difference if He existed.

He'd heard it all by then like the old syllogism, 'everything that exists has a cause' so, since the universe came into being, it had to have a cause, too, and that cause is God'. He'd also heard every argument for and against evolution, which was completely separate from whether or not God existed. Attacks against evolution in no way proved the existence of God because even if evolution (random mutation acted on by Natural Selection) was completely wrong, that did nothing to prove 'God did it'. And yet most Christians seemed to think that atheism and evolution were the same thing when they were not. Many Christians even accepted evolution as fact further making that belief even more erroneous.

Then again, Bryce didn't really care because unlike missionaries who go out to convert the 'lost', he had no interest in trying to 'save the saved'. If their faith made them happy, great. He was 100% for freedom of religion, but now was just as supportive of 'freedom from religion'.

He would never call the ACLU and whine about a Nativity Scene on public property. He didn't care if there was a cross or a Star of David in a public park. He only wanted to live his life as honestly and with as much integrity as he could, and he now knew one did not need religion to be either good or moral, again, theistic claims about 'absolute morality' to the contrary aside.

All of these now-familiar thoughts swirled through his head as he drove back to Ryan's home at the end of the day. Not sure what or even when to bring it up, he let it all go as the thought of his beautiful little girl running to his open arms and sharing her first day with other children took center stage.

He wasn't disappointed when Ryan let him in. Before she could even tell him how much fun Annabelle had had, she came flying across the room and launched herself at her father, who'd bent down when he saw her.

"Hey, punkin' head! How was your day?"

"I had SO much fun! April is my best friend in the whole wide world. And Miss Ryan is my other bestest friend, too!"

"I'm so glad," her father told her. "So you had fun?"

"Yes. I had lots and lots of fun!" she said. "You wanna see my pictures I colored? Come on! I'll show you!"

Expecting her to take his hand and lead him to her pictures when he let her go, she went tearing off in the opposite direction calling out April's name.

"She did great today, Bryce," Ryan finally told him.

She smiled then asked, "Speaking of first days...how was yours?"

"Not bad. I like the principal a lot, and my department chair is great. So...so far, so good."

"I'm glad. Work can be pretty miserable if you don't enjoy it."

"I'm reserving judgment until I spend a few days with students, but so far, it's...okay."

"Oh, speaking of...judgment...I still haven't been able to get our earlier conversation off my mind."

"I really hope I didn't upset you, Ryan. That wasn't my intent."

"No. Not at all," she told him truthfully. "I think your...revelation...took me by surprise so strongly I needed some time to work through it."

"Well, as long as you aren't angry with me," he said.

"I'm not angry at all, Bryce. I can't say I fully understand, but if your offer stands, I think I'd like to talk some more with you."

"I'd like that," he replied. "Is there any particular time that works best for you?"

"I'm pretty wiped out by Friday, but if Saturday is okay, I could make dinner for us. And you would be more than welcome to bring Annabelle. She is just so sweet!"

"Yeah, I'm kind of partial to her myself," he said with a smile.

Ryan had no idea why she said it, but she did.

"I wanted a child so badly. I've always wanted one. I...I guess it just wasn't in the Lord's plans for me."

Once she said it, she realized it was a 'TMI' moment. Too Much Information. And she remembered that Bryce no longer even believed in God let alone that He had a will for people's lives.

"I'm sorry," she said immediately. "I have no idea why that came out. And please forgive me for the way it came out."

"Why? You didn't offend me. And I'm glad you shared that. I can only imagine how much a child would mean to you, but I can tell you that for me, having Annabelle is the most wonderful part of my life."

He rarely choked up anymore, yet he felt it happening.

He swallowed hard then said, "My wife was actually the most wonderful thing in my life, and I'd give anything to have her back."

Ryan didn't say anything, but she felt herself tearing up just from the way she knew he felt now that she knew why he was single, too.

"I know that can't happen, but maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to find someone else. Someone as wonderful and amazing as she was. Maybe even someone who'll love Annabelle as much as I do."

That he didn't say 'blessed' rather than 'lucky' wasn't lost on her, but there was no way she was even going to mention it, let alone make an issue out of it.

"You know, I don't think that will be a problem," Ryan said. "You're thoughtful, smart, handsome, and have the most amazing little girl ever. I can only imagine how many women would consider themselves blessed...or lucky...to be married to you."

"I uh, I should get Annabelle and be going," he finally said without replying to her optimistic assessment of his future.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've been keeping you. I really enjoy talking to you, Bryce. You have this...this understanding way about you."

He smiled but didn't respond.

"I'll go get her for you. Give me just a sec, okay?"

Before they left, she and Bryce agreed to meet at her place at 7pm on Saturday.

"I'm happy to come early and help you. If you'd like," he offered.

"Well, if you really don't mind, that would be very nice."

"I wanna help!" Annabelle said, her shyness now long gone.

"I would love to have such a big helper!" Ryan told her.

She jumped back up in her daddy's arms as he said, "Okay. We'll see you in the mornings the rest of the week and again on Saturday."

There wasn't any time for chit chat the next morning as Ryan had her hands full by the time he arrived. She managed to say 'hello' and get Annabelle inside being apologizing.

"No worries. You have a very important job!" Bryce told her with an understanding smile.

That Saturday morning, as Bryce reflected on his first week at school, he felt like he was as ready as he could possibly be for the arrival of his students the following week. He received class lists and realized he didn't know a single student. He didn't even recognize a familiar name. Then again, he'd been gone so long it was very unlikely he would.

Like most military brats, 'home' was wherever he and his family lived at the time. For now, this was home again, even though he had no idea how long he'd stay. What he knew was he was grateful to have a paying job and a place where his daughter was safe and well cared for. And that thought reminded him of their dinner appointment that evening.

He'd had almost no chance to talk with Ryan since they'd agreed to meet at her place, and a part of Bryce almost wished they weren't. It wasn't that he didn't want to get to know Ryan better. He most definitely did. The issue was the subject matter. He just wasn't very interested in helping someone question their faith.

Over the years, he'd seen several Christians lose theirs, and in all but one case, they seemed less happy than when they were active in church. He also had a Mormon friend who'd 'apostatized' and who'd never found a way to fill the hole left in his life. In the past, Bryce would have said the hole in his 'soul' but that was something else he no longer believed in. The reason why was simple. There was no evidence any such thing existed and no way to test the idea to see whether or not it did. It was just one more thing people strongly asserted did exist, and assertions were nothing but claims, and claims weren't evidence.

He considered himself one of the lucky ones who'd transitioned from faith to reason and not felt like something important was missing from his life. Having Annabelle was a huge part of the reason why, but just as important was the depth of his inquiry into the issue before making a final decision.

He hadn't jettisoned his faith because of some disagreement with the pastor or so he could go fishing on Sunday or stay home and watch football. It was all about evidence, or more correctly, the absence of it. Even so, he wasn't wild about helping Ryan tear down the protective walls she'd spent her lifetime erecting and reinforcing. And yet she'd specifically asked him to talk to her, so talk he would. With caring and concern, of course.

Bryce and Annabelle arrived about an hour early, and Ryan was already in full swing in the kitchen.

"Come in, you two!" Ryan said pleasantly when she opened the door.

She knelt down and smiled at Annabelle and said, "Do I get a hug?"

The little girl threw her arms around her neck and hugged her then pulled away and told her, "And you get a kiss!" before pecking her on the lips.

"Wow! This is my lucky day!" she said to Annabelle as she smiled at her father.

When Ryan stood back up, there was an awkward moment before she and Bryce also briefly hugged.

"It's so good to see you both," she said.

"And you, as well," Bryce told her. "You have a very nice home, and you look...amazing."

"Oh, really? Well, um...thank you. It's just an older dress, but that's very nice of you to say."

"It doesn't look old. It looks beautiful as does the woman wearing it."

"Now you're just being ridiculous," she said, wanting to believe his words but sure they were nothing but flattery.

"Hardly," he said.

As he hung his coat up he told her again, "I wasn't kidding in the least when I told you you were still as beautiful as I remembered from when I lived here."

Not used to hearing that from any man, especially one Bryce's age, Ryan wasn't sure how to respond other than say, "Okay. I'll take your word for it."

Bryce smiled at her then said, "Oh, trust me. It's very true."

Flustered, Ryan put her hands together then said, "Who wants to help me in the kitchen?"

"Me!!" Annabelle let her know immediately.

"Okay. Let's go!" Ryan said as she offered her hand to the precious little girl. Annabelle wrapped her tiny hand around one finger and happily followed her into the kitchen.

Ryan had several things going on at once, and as he watched her handling them all (in spite of Annabelle's 'help') Bryce was again very aware of how beautiful she looked. It seemed so impossible that someone who looked like she was dressed to go out for dinner could look like that in order to make dinner. And yet there she was looking downright gorgeous.

For the next hour, she and Bryce talked about everything but the elephant in the room. They reminisced about old times, talked about things they'd done, and touched on a wide variety of topics, none of them in-depth.

Bryce was so well-informed on everything from current events to politics to science entertainment that Ryan often felt like she was struggling to keep up. It wasn't that Bryce was talking 'above her head', he was just an extremely articulate young man who seemed to know something—actually, quite a bit—about everything.

During dinner, they continued talking politely and then at one point the subject turned to love and romance.

"You mentioned wanting to find someone you could love like..."

She glanced at Annabelle and didn't want to say 'your late wife', but Bryce understood without her having to say it.

"I really would. I'm finally at the point where I feel like I could love again. And this one needs a mother at home."

He immediately said, "Not that I expect my wife to stay at home, mind you. I wasn't even implying that."

"I didn't take it that way, Bryce. And I agree. Children do best when there are two loving parents in the home, but that doesn't mean single parents can't do a great job."

She felt like she had to add that because she realized how what she'd just said likely sounded to him.

"Ryan? You don't need to be so concerned. I know you have a good heart and would never say anything hurtful. Just tell me what's on your mind and how you feel, and I'll never take offense. Okay?"

Relieved, she smiled at him and said, "Thank you for saying that. I...I still can't believe how...grown up you are. I'm sitting here feeling like you're the one teaching me rather than vice versa."

"I love the old saying, 'Every person is my teacher'. I'm also fond of the one that says, 'Never be offended by the truth regardless of the source'."

"Yes, both of those are very wise sayings. I agree with you on both counts."

As they finished eating, Ryan said, "And when we talk about, you know, faith and what not, I promise I won't be offended by the source."

Bryce smiled then told her, "Assuming, of course, you're hearing the truth."

Ryan laughed nervously then Bryce said, "Truth with a small 't', by the way."

Ryan again laughed politely as she sat there feeling both anxious and excited about having this discussion. She'd prayed several times that day for wisdom and discernment, hoping to listen with an open mind, but still be 'ready at all times to give an answer for the hope that is within you' as it said in the Bible.

Bryce insisted on helping her clear the table and load the dishwasher, something Ryan's husband would never even think of doing. That was 'women's work' and women were to be in submission to their husbands who were the head of the home just as Christ was the head of the church.

So while she wasn't used to having a man help her, she found it to be a very pleasant experience and she thanked him more than once for doing so.

"My pleasure," he told her. "And now that the easy part's over..."

"Oh, right. I do believe it's time, isn't it?"

She poured them each a glass of iced tea then led Bryce to the living room where they sat across from one another and began their long-awaited talk. Annabelle knew where all of the toys were and asked to be excused as soon as possible so she could go play.

"Are you sure you really want to have this discussion?" Bryce asked as they sat down. "I need you to know I have no interest in causing or to help in causing you to doubt your faith."

"My faith is strong, Bryce. God created us with rationale minds. I see no harm in asking questions and examining them with that rationale mind. So please don't think you're causing me to doubt."

When she looked away for a moment, Bryce knew there was something more to be said so he waited for her to say it.

"In all honesty, I've had...doubts of my own. Deep, serious doubts for many months now. I just can't seem to...what? Square, maybe? I...I can't seem to square my life with what people tell me about God and His will for our lives."

"The affair?" he said gently.

"Yes. For starters. I could have forgiven him, if he'd only been willing to stay and keep trying. I prayed so hard for him not to leave."

"But he left anyway."

Ryan nodded and reached for a tissue as tears filled her eyes.

"They say stress kills. You know, like losing a spouse. Getting fired. A divorce. Moving. Or...losing one's faith."

"You've had your share of stress. That's for sure," Bryce assured her. "That's a big part of why I don't want to do this. I don't want to add to the stress you've already experienced."

"And yet if what you say is true, how could I not want to know that, no matter how much added stress it brings? If, in the long run, I'd be better off, why would I choose to stay here living in this internal turmoil of doubt and...sadness...unless there really is some higher purpose for enduring it all?"

"Ryan? The brain is very complex. As crazy as it seems, sometimes we use deception to shield ourselves from what seems like an even harsher reality."

"Like when we see all of the warning signs of an affair then willingly ignore them because knowing seems worse than deceiving ourselves."

She wasn't asking a question or looking for agreement. Ryan was stating a fact from her own personal experience.

"Well, yes. That's a really good example. For me, it was keeping alive the hope that my wife was in heaven waiting for me. You know, that she's 'up there looking down on us' as a kind of guardian angel."

"I've heard countless people say that," she replied quietly. "I take it you don't believe that anymore."

"No. No, I don't. I see no evidence life continues after death."

He paused then asked her again, "Are you really sure you want to go down this road?"

"Yes," she said. "I'm sure."

By 9pm they'd barely scratched the surface of this very large, deeply-entangled issue. Every time Bryce tried to make a point, Ryan countered with the kinds of things he'd been taught to say when a certain doubt was raised. That would take them down a rabbit hole until she countered with yet another point before he could answer the earlier objection. Knowing that this kind of belief was, in his opinion, like a cancer that had wrapped its tentacles around every cell in the body, he had no illusions he was going to answer all of her questions in one brief 'session', let alone unravel all of the tangled mess.

"I really should get Annabelle home," he told her during a short lull in the conversation.

"Oh, goodness. It is getting late, isn't it?" she said when she realized the time.

"So are you upset with me?" he asked with a smile.

"Upset? No. Heavens no! I've found this so...fascinating. I still don't understand how you could abandon your faith, but I have to admit you are very well read on this subject, and you've given me a lot to think about."

"I prefer to think I didn't so much abandon my faith as I embraced reason," he said, reminding of one of his main points yet again.

"But how does it not take faith to be an atheist?" she asked even though he'd answered that question three or four times in various ways.

"Well, again, I'm not the one making a claim, remember? Theists are claiming this Being exists. They therefore have the burden of proof to demonstrate He does. I'm not making any claim of any kind. I'm only saying that after listening to every claim ever made, I remain unconvinced."