Losing Faith in Faith

"Let's just say it's been a very long time."

He moved a step closer, smiled, then quietly asked, "So...was that a 'yes'?"

A nervous laugh followed and then came a smile.

"Yes. I think it was," she told him. Her heart was beating 90 miles an hour, but she'd managed to get the word 'yes' out in spite of her mouth being so dry it felt like it was filled with cotton.

"I know you don't go to movies and you don't drink so..."

"I wanna watch Peter Rabbit!" Annabelle said having heard the word 'movie'.

"I know you do!" her father said. "But Miss Ryan doesn't go to..."

"I'll go with you," Ryan said before he could finish.

Bryce was kneeling down to talk to his daughter and looked up at Ryan then said, "Are you sure? I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"I haven't been to a movie since I was, well, 14. But I think Peter Rabbit would be a safe place to start."

"Are we going?" Annabelle said with sudden excitement.

Ryan nodded at Bryce who said, "I believe we are."

Annabelle hollered, "Yay! Can we get popcorn?"

"We're not going tonight, honey."

"Oh," the little girl said, her countenance changing back as quickly as it had brightened.

Ryan knelt down and said, "We can go next weekend. Is that okay?"

"That's a long time," Annabelle said, her voice as sad as sad can be.

"Yes, it is, but it will give us something to look forward to all week. We can even make a chart tomorrow to count down the days then cross them off together whenever your daddy comes to pick you up. How does that sound?"

The sadness disappeared as the little girl said, "Can I cross off the numbers?"

"Yes, you can!" Ryan told her with a bright, happy smile.

When Annabelle threw her arms around her neck and hugged her, Ryan felt a kind of warmth and happiness she'd never experienced. She hugged many children before, but for some reason this time, it felt...different. As they embraced, she opened her eyes briefly to see Bryce, who was still kneeling down, just inches away from her. When he smiled at her, that feeling grew exponentially as she remembered him telling her, "We're a package deal."

On the verge of tearing up, Ryan finally let go of her favorite new child then stood up.

"I guess I'll see you both in the morning then," she said.

"And then we can make our chart!" Annabelle said happily.

When she glanced at Ryan the way he looked at her made her feel some other new feeling. It wasn't the first time she'd ever experienced that feeling, but it had been many, many years she'd she'd felt it.

Unable to hold his stare, she looked away quickly then said to Annabelle, "You all zipped up and ready to go?"

The little girl nodded when he dad said, "Honey? Can you go get your pretty pictures you colored so we can put them on our refrigerator?"

"Okay!" she called out as she headed for her play area.

Bryce moved a step closer then, without asking, reached for both of Ryan's hands and took them in his.

His touch sent a kind of spark through her body, and when he said, "I've wanted to kiss you for the longest time," it started a fire.

"Bryce. What if Annabelle comes..."

Before she could finish her thought he gently pressed his lips to hers; lips that were soft and full and oh-so kissable.

It lasted less than two seconds, and just as it ended, Annabelle came running back in clutching a handful of black-and-white pages scribbled in crayon.

"Here they are, Daddy!" she proudly announced.

Bryce let go of Ryan's hands and said, "Thank you, punkin'. These are beautiful."

He glanced at Ryan and said very quietly, "So are you."

The nervousness was still there, but it had diminished significantly. Even so, she looked away the way a shy girl would the first time a boy she liked told her she was pretty.

Bryce thanked her for dinner and told her he had a really nice time.

Ryan told him he was welcome then said, "I can't remember having enjoyed myself this much in a very long time."

Bryce smiled a different kind of smile at her then said, "Yeah, I hear there's a lot of that going around."

Ryan didn't look away this time. She only said, "I've heard that, too."

Bryce smiled again then said, "Tell Miss Ryan goodbye again."

Ryan bent down for another hug and said, "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."

"It's chart day!" Annabelle exclaimed. "Come on, Daddy. We have to go home and go to sleep so it can be tomorrow."

She took his hand and started pulling.

"Hold on, honey. I have to tell Miss Ryan goodnight, too."

"Oh, okay," his daughter said.

He moved back over to Ryan then said, "I don't want to blow this with you. Will you let me know if I'm moving too fast or doing something wrong?"

The fire swept through her again as he looked deep into her eyes as he spoke.

"You won't blow it," she told him.

"So if I hug you...now...in front of Annabelle? Would that be..."

As he spoke, Ryan put her arms around him and gave him a hug that was somewhere between friendship and romance. When she did, Bryce held her a moment longer than he normally would have and whispered, "Goodnight, beautiful."

Not wanting the hug to end but knowing it had to, Ryan whispered back, "Goodnight...handsome."

"Daddy? Come on!" Annabelle said impatiently.

Bryce reluctantly let go as he said, "I believe I'm being summoned."

"Better not keep her waiting then," Ryan said sweetly.

And with that, Ryan was again alone in her big old house. But for the first time since her husband walked out, she felt...happy. Happy enough that she found herself smiling until she fell asleep around 11 o'clock. When her alarm woke her up at 5:45am, it only took her a couple of seconds to recall the events of the night before, and she smiled again as she sat up and stretched and got ready to start her day.

After a hot shower and a cup of coffee, Ryan began planning out her day just as she always did, only this time she found herself distracted every few seconds with the memory of that one, brief kiss. She smiled every time she thought about it, and at some point it occurred to her how much had changed in the space of some twelve hours.

She was barely single, she still believed in God—in spite of her growing doubts—and she still lived alone. And yet because of that one kiss, and yes, that one special, amazing hug from the little girl she already loved, her life felt so very different.

Just a day ago she was still confused and frustrated and wondered if she'd ever feel like this again. But now, she was on Cloud Nine without a real care in the world. Even when she thought about how young Bryce was and that this might not be anything more than her first romantic reentry into the dating world, she still couldn't help but smile and feel like she had her life back.

And once or twice, she allowed herself, for the briefest of moments, to imagine herself the recipient of the most wonderful 'package deal' she could possibly imagine.

Her first drop-off arrived just as she took her fantasy to the extreme in which she pictured herself as Mrs. Bryce Kincaid and the adoptive mother of that sweetest little girl, Annabelle Kincaid.

"It doesn't have a nice 'ring' to it," she said out loud to herself after her doorbell rang.

Ryan knew within a couple of minutes, which child arrived at what time. When it got close to the time when Annabelle should get there, she felt her tummy flutter. When the doorbell rang, it did a flip.

She opened the door and saw Bryce standing there and when he smiled at her she thought she died and gone to heaven, a place she still believed existed albeit less ardently than before.

"Good morning!" she said cheerfully.

"Hi, Miss Ryan? Can we do my chart now?" Annabelle asked as she gave her caretaker a hug.

"It'll just be a few minutes, okay, sweetheart?" she said to her while looking at her father who was smiling at her.

"Why don't you go find April so I can talk to Miss Ryan?" Bryce said.

For a fleeting moment, Ryan had the sinking feeling he wanted to tell her he'd changed his mind. That going to a movie—or anything like that—wasn't a good idea. Instead, he moved closer and smiled again.

When his hand touched hers, a jolt of electricity shot through her.

"Hi," she said very sweetly.

"Hi," he told her back.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asked.

"No. Not at all," he told her truthfully.

"No?"

"Uh-uh. I couldn't stop thinking about this incredible, beautiful woman I kissed last night."

"Oh, she's a very lucky woman," Ryan said trying to sound serious.

"I don't know about that, but you see, I'm dying to kiss her again, and well, there are all these children around and..."

"Yes there are," she said as her pinky curled around his.

"Yeah, I uh, I'm not sure I can wait until Saturday," he said just as seriously.

"Well, I suppose we could risk one quick kiss," Ryan said barely able to keep from smiling.

"Just one, huh?" Bryce said as though he was terribly disappointed.

Ryan looked behind her, and seeing no one said, "Two if we're really quick about it."

Bryce leaned in and kissed her softly for a second or so then Ryan kissed him back for even less time.

"Will that do?" she asked, her smile bright and warm.

"I think that'll hold me," he told her.

Ryan then said something she'd never said in her life and wouldn't have said, and yet she did in fact say it.

"I could hold you," she told him.

"I already want to play hooky and this is my first actual day of teaching. You're not making it any easier, you know."

"I'll miss you," she also said, not caring she'd said that, either.

"You, too," he said. He looked behind her in an exaggerated manner then quickly kissed her again.

Ryan laughed and said, "I am so happy."

Using their line from before he said, "I know, right? I hear there's a lot of that going around."

"Miss Ryan?" they both heard Annabelle calling.

"Oh, my," she said.

"You don't want to keep her waiting. Trust me," Bryce said.

"I do. Trust you," she replied. "See you later?"

"You will," he told her as he let go of her finger.

"Bye," she said just like a schoolgirl and not caring.

"Bye," he told her as she turned to walk away.

Bryce allowed himself the luxury of watching, and although he was a 'boob man', he found himself admiring both her perfect behind and her long, shapely legs. Ryan's church didn't allow women to wear pants, and he'd never seen her in anything but a dress or a skirt, and he was definitely enjoying the view.

So much so, he whistled quietly as she turned the corner. He saw her stop, peek out from behind it then say, "I heard that!"

"I did that!" he called back. He smiled at her when she smiled at him just before disappearing from view.

He let himself out and said out loud, "She is so hot!"

"Me?" a woman about Ryan's age said as he nearly ran into her. She wasn't even what he'd call attractive let alone 'hot', but he just smiled and said, "If the shoe fits!"

"Well, you just made this...shoe's day!" the woman said with a loud laugh as she took her son inside.

His first day as a teacher was also his students' first day in junior high, and he rightly attributed their quietness to that. But whatever the reason, it hadn't been a bad first day at all. He'd gotten the opportunity to go over his rules and policies as well as memorize quite a few of the names as he matched them with faces.

On his way to pick up Annabelle, he had a moment of intense euphoria followed by one of deep melancholy as he had the feeling of going home to his wife. He'd known Ryan for years, but only just kissed her for the first time and yet he couldn't shake the feeling that there was so much more there than their shared past and those first kisses.

And then it hit him again, this time with full force, that Tanya really was gone forever, and although he still missed her terribly, he hadn't been overcome with emotion for well over a year. But as he drove along it was all he could do to blink back tears as the memory of her life...and her death...filled his mind.

By the time he got there, he'd managed to shake off the feelings of sadness, and this time he not only looked forward to a hug from his little princess, but possibly even one from the woman he'd secretly loved for so long. Okay, maybe 'love' was too strong a word, but he knew he was feeling something far more than a boyhood crush. And when she smiled at him when he walked in, he felt sure she was feeling something very similar, too.

He wanted to hold her and kiss her so bad it hurt. What he didn't know was she was feeling exactly the same way.

"Hi! How was your first day? I kept thinking about you every few minutes all day. How'd it go?" she asked just as Annabelle came flying around the corner yelling, "Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

He scooped her up and said, "It went surprisingly well, although I must admit I was deeply distracted all day by the thought of this amazing, beautiful woman I know."

"Oh, right. The lucky woman I'm so jealous of," she teased.

"Daddy? Do you have a girlfriend?" Annabelle asked immediately.

He glanced at Ryan who gave him an 'I'm okay with that if you are' look, so he said to his daughter, "Well, I think maybe I do."

She looked at him, tilted her little head, then said very grown-up-like, "Daddy, I don't count."

Ryan laughed hard enough that she covered her mouth.

Annabelle turned around as her dad held her and said, "My daddy always tell me I'm his only girlfriend. That's silly!"

"Well, you are his sweetie," Ryan said.

"I know, but I can't be his girlfriend!"

"No. I guess you can't," her father said.

"So who is?" Annabelle asked directly.

"Well, would it be okay if..."

He moved closer to Ryan and said, "Miss Ryan was my girlfriend?"

Annabelle loudly sucked in a very deep breath and said, "Really???"

"Is that okay?" her daddy asked.

Both of the adults laughed when she got very precocious and informed them, "That's exactly who I was hoping you'd say!"

"Okay. Well, why don't you go get your coat so we can go home?"

"Okay!" she said as he let her down.

All alone, Bryce smiled and said, "Hello, there...girlfriend."

She smiled like he'd never seen her smile before then replied, "Hello...boyfriend."

"Are you blushing?" Bryce asked as she looked down.

"Maybe. A little," she admitted. "It's silly, I know. I haven't blushed since I was maybe 16 or so, but yes, I think I just did."

"Yeah?" Bryce said as he smiled and moved closer.

"Do you really have to leave? Can't you just stay?" she asked. It wasn't possessive sounding. It was just an honest, heartfelt question.

"I could, but why don't you come over to our box...er, house," he said, making her laugh again.

"I'd love to. And I could make dinner for us," she offered.

"No. That's okay. I'd have to unpack boxes just to find utensils and pans. But I know a place that makes pizza and I hear they'll even bring them to you."

"Wow. A dinner date not involving me cooking. I think I like this," she told him, the smile glued to her face.

"You have my address on our forms, but I can give you directions," he offered.

"That's okay. I actually know how to use GPS," she informed him, still smiling happily.

Annabelle came back out just as Bryce was saying, "Is it just me or does it feel like we've known each other for a really long time?"

"You mean other than actually knowing each other for a really long time?" she said, clearly teasing.

Bryce laughed then said, "Yes. Other than that."

"Hmmm. I was wondering if that was just me thinking that," she told him.

"No. No it isn't," he said. "I uh, I think maybe I should wait to you know..."

"Ah. Yes. Good idea," she said knowing she could kiss him again soon.

"Is 7 o'clock good for you?" he asked.

"It's perfect."

"Oh. What do you like on your pizza?"

"Anything that isn't greasy meat."

"Mushrooms and black olives?" he suggested.

"That sounds...heavenly," she said before they both laughed.

"See you soon," he told her just before Annabelle hugged her goodbye.

"Daddy? Aren't you going to give Miss Ryan a hug?"

"Oh. Yes. Yes, I am," he said as he moved closer and put his arms around her.

"And a kiss!" she said.

Ryan looked at him like she wasn't sure if they should when he said, "Yes. Of course."

As they kissed April came out and saw them and made a similar loud, sucking sound like Annabelle had.

"Is your dad gonna marry Miss Ryan???" April asked Annabelle loudly.

"Well, she is his girlfriend," Annabelle told her matter of factly.

"Oh, okay," April said as though it was just something everyone should know.

"Seven o'clock. You, me, the kid. And pizza," he told her as he let her go.

"I'll be there," she promised him.

As she drove to Bryce's house, which was barely a one-bedroom apartment, Ryan had her real first pangs of doubt. It was no surprise that her first serious thought was one she'd had before. What if Bryce was being used by Satan to lead her away from the truth? It was possible, and therefore not out of the question. It was possible. Clearly, Satan existed if God existed, and in spite of all her doubts, He had to exist.

And then there was that little inconvenient truth about their age. Yes, he was an adult, and yes, he was very intelligent and mature. He might even be more mature than most men her age she'd known, but that didn't change the fact that he was twenty...

Ryan realized she didn't actually know. Not exactly anyway. But exactness didn't matter. It had to be twenty-seven or so, give or take, and for all of Bryce's talk about reason and being rational, how could dating someone that young be rational?

Ryan found herself doing a lot of, 'but on the other hand' thinking as she drove, and on the other hand...what if her deepest fears were realized? What if God didn't exist and she, along with everyone else who'd ever lived, was on their own? Then Bryce couldn't be an emissary of the 'evil one' and was just a human being with an opinion based on a lot of thinking and study. And if he felt the way he said he did about her, what difference did their ages make? No one had ever made her feel like this, not even her husband when they were dating. He'd been kind and thoughtful and made her feel safe, but she'd never experienced anything like she was feeling with Bryce. Ever.

And then there was Annabelle. Sweet, precious Annabelle. The little girl she was growing so attached to who really would be part of a package deal. As she pulled into a parking spot near his apartment she sat there for a moment trying to decide what to do. She thought about praying, but for the first time the whole notion of it seemed like a waste of time; an exercise in futility. She could ask for wisdom, but ultimately she would have to make this decision on her own.

She took a final look in the mirror then told herself the only thing that mattered was how they felt about each other. And the way she felt about him was what caused her to get out of the car and walk up to the door of his apartment and knock.

"I'll get it!" she heard a tiny voice say.

Ryan was already smiling before the door opened. When she saw Annabelle looking up at her then say, "Please come in," her heart melted and any doubts she'd had melted away along with her heart.

"Hi, sweetie!" Ryan said as she bent down for a big hug.

"Be careful for all the boxes. They're everywhere!" Annabelle told her. "Come on, you can come with me."

The little girl reached up and grabbed her finger and led her through the maze of cardboard which was mostly vertical as there wasn't much in the way of square footage for them to fit horizontally.

There was basically one 'big' room that included the kitchen along with a bedroom. It reminded Ryan of her youth when she and her husband were struggling to get started. But the one thing this 'cracker box' had that hers hadn't was a beautiful child like the one holding her hand.