Losing Faith in Faith

Bryce was in kitchen and on the phone ordering pizza. He smiled at her and she smiled back as Annabelle informed her they were having pizza for dinner and that she loved pizza!

When he hung up, they both looked at the way new couples do then said 'hi' in that same, shy way.

Bryce stepped around a smaller stack of boxes and said, "How can I miss you so much when I just saw you?"

"I have no answer because I have the same question," she told him before he kissed her softly.

Annabelle was watching and after her dad kissed Ryan she said, "May I please have a kiss, too?"

The mushy puddle in Ryan's chest that was her heart liquified as she said, "Of course you may!"

Annabelle wanted a kiss on the lips just like her daddy, and Ryan was too happy to oblige her.

"You wanna see my room?" she asked.

Ryan stood up, looked around, and seeing none said, "Um...okay."

Annabelle took her hand again and led her between boxes until she got to the corner of the room where an old, rickety bed frame and a thin mattress stood. It had sheets and a pink blanket and Ryan knew the little girl was too young to know it wasn't the most beautiful 'room' in the world.

Annabelle also had three stuffed animals on it and next to the bed was a picture of what had to be her mom and dad. She saw Ryan looking at it then said, "My mommy's in heaven."

Surprised, Ryan said, "Yes. Yes, she is," wondering why she believed that. Tanya was stunningly beautiful, and Ryan suddenly felt plain and...old.

Bryce had snaked his way over and heard his daughter's reply. He moved in behind Ryan and put his arms around her and whispered, "I see no harm in children believing in Santa Claus, either. When she's older, I'll tell her the truth."

"Truth with a small 't', right?" Ryan said without judgment.

"That's the only kind I can reasonably justify," he said as he kissed her neck.

That feeling of 'electricity' washed over her body again but was quickly gone when Annabelle asked if she wanted to color with her.

"How about after dinner, sweetheart?" Ryan suggested.

"Okay. That works for me," she said.

Bryce chuckled and explained.

"I say that fairly often."

"They really do hear every word, don't they," she said as she held his arms which held her.

"Yes they do."

There was one small area with just enough room for them to sit down on the couch. There was no coffee table, but Bryce had plenty of boxes to choose to serve as one. He pushed one over and said, "This one is all the range in design circles this year."

Ryan laughed and was aware she felt so relaxed and at home that none of the mess mattered. What did matter was on the couch and sitting on either side of her.

"We don't have a television," Annabelle said, just in case Ryan hadn't noticed.

Her particular brand of fundamentalist Baptist Christianity strongly discouraged television and she'd never owned one and didn't miss it.

Bored, Annabelle jumped down and walked the three or feet to 'her room' to color and began singing as she did.

Ryan smiled and Bryce put his arm around her. When he did, she laid her head on his shoulder and snuggled up with him.

"Your wife was so beautiful," she finally said.

"She was."

"How...how could you possibly ever see me...like that?" she asked, knowing she shouldn't.

"How could I not?" he replied.

Content to let it go for the time being, she asked another question.

"Bryce? Do you think we're doing anything wrong?"

It was a reasonable question for her to ask as her entire life had been about following a very strict moral code. Baptists didn't believe doing or not doing things got someone to heaven. That was all by faith. But once one was saved one was obligated to live righteously and that obligation touched every facet of that person's life.

"The more important question is, 'Do you'?" he asked.

"I don't know. I guess I'm maybe looking for some kind of reassurance. I mean, we're not married," she answered honestly.

"Look at your divorce paper. Do you believe that a piece of paper is more important than your husband's actions?" he asked with no hint of anything negative.

"Hmmm. Another good question. One more for which I don't have an answer. But I would like to know what you think."

"Well, since I don't believe anyone's 'watching', then all that matters is that the people involved both want whatever it is they might do. I don't need a piece of paper to love...to feel deeply about you, Ryan. And having one wouldn't make me...feel more deeply."

"So you don't believe in things like...adultery and fornication?"

Bryce managed not to laugh at the latter word and said, "Because those words exist and I understand the concepts, I 'believe' in them. But one can only cheat if there's someone else with expectations you'll remain faithful to them, and to whom you made a promise. There's no one with those expectations in your life so other than in the most technical sense, adultery or fornication are irrelevant. And because no one's 'up there' watching and keeping score or monitoring your thoughts or your actions, all that matters is what you believe."

"It's just so hard to let all of this go. It's like I'm betraying myself or something," she said.

"Then don't let it go until you're ready to let it go. There's no harm in your beliefs, Ryan. If they comfort you, fine. But if you ever realize or feel like they're shackles rather than something positive, then that will be the time to remove them."

"So...you're okay with us not...you know? Later on tonight?"

He pulled away, looked at her, then said, "I don't have any such expectations."

He turned toward her then said, "I can't imagine anything more wonderful than...that...but there is no chance of that happening unless or until you're ready."

She was surprised that his answer surprised her so much. And yet it not only did, it did so in such a pleasant way that it made her feelings for him grow even stronger.

"May I ask you something else?" she said.

"Sure."

"I know you say I'm...beautiful...but I'm very well aware of my age and how I look. I guess I'm just not sure how you can think that when you really are...beautiful. In a manly way, of course."

"And yet I do feel that way," he told her. "I feel that way because it's true, Ryan. You are beautiful. But your beauty is so much more than your very attractive outside layers."

He smiled then said, "Your beauty runs so deep inside you it permeates you entirely. You're just such an amazing woman that it all adds up to you being someone I could see spending the rest of my..."

The doorbell rang before he could finish his thought, and on some level, Bryce was almost relieved it had.

"I'll be right back," he told her.

He paid for the pizza, tipped the delivery guy who was actually a girl then said, "Soup's on!" meaning it was time to eat.

As Ryan sat there watching him, she couldn't shake the feeling that a 'voice' or something was telling her he was the one for her. It didn't matter that she really barely knew him. It didn't matter that he no longer believed in God. It made no difference that he was barely getting by financially. All that mattered was the way he made her feel and that she...that she...what? Loved him? Was that even possible?

What Bryce called her rational brain told her it wasn't. But her heart and what she called her soul told her she did. Like faith, this feeling was beyond explanation. It simply existed, and she not only couldn't shake it, she had no desire to so.

And as she ate dinner with them again and listened to him interact with her and his daughter, it became so crystal clear. He loved her and she loved him. Neither had yet told the other, but she knew and she knew he knew.

As to whether or not God approved or disproved of what she was feeling or even thinking was outside her ken. And after carefully listening to Bryce and thinking just as carefully about what it meant, she knew that it no longer mattered to her.

It was a little after 8:30 when Bryce put Annabelle to bed. Ryan was beyond touched when this sweet little girl asked her to read her a story.

"Peter Rabbit! Just like the movie we're going to watch when the chart goes to zero!" she said excitedly.

Ryan kissed her goodnight and Annabelle reached up with her little arms and hugged her tight and said, "I love you, Miss Ryan!"

Fighting back tears she said, "I love you, too, sweetheart. Sweet dreams."

"You, too," she said before kissing her father goodnight.

The only other place to talk was in his bedroom so Bryce said, "I'm guessing you might want to go home since standing in the kitchen isn't exactly comfortable."

"No. Not unless you're trying to get rid of me," she said with a smile.

"No. Never," he told her. "But are you okay with sitting on my bed?"

They were standing in the kitchen when she put her arms around his neck and said, "I think I am."

He kissed her and when he did, she kissed him back. This kiss wasn't like the others. It was a real kiss; one that was full of deep-seated emotion and passion. Within seconds, tongues were dancing, and Ryan moaned softly. She pulled him close and when she did, she pushed her hips into his body and felt him.

"Mmmm," she purred when he pushed back.

"Are we moving too fast?" he asked with genuine concern.

"No," she whispered. "I...I had a kind of revelation tonight."

"Oh? What kind?" he asked.

"One that told me this...you and Annabelle and...this...is what I want."

He smiled and said, "Well, we are a package deal."

She laughed politely then said, "We don't have to just...sit...on your bed."

Bryce's eyes opened wide as he said, "Ryan. I really, really like you. Please don't do anything just because you think it's what I want."

"I won't," she said very quietly. "But I can no longer not do what I want."

She lowered her arms, took his hand, and led him through the boxes to the small bedroom with the queen-sized bed that took up most of the space.

It hit her that the bed must be the one he and his wife had shared. She stopped, turned to face him and said, "Is...is this bed the right place? I mean, isn't it where you and your wife..."

"Shared our love?" he said. "Yes. But as much as I loved her, and I always will, it's just a bed. It isn't special or sacred or anything else. But it is a place where two people who love each can share their love."

She put her arms around him again and said, "Then would you share your love with me in it?"

Bryce pushed the door shut then put his arms around her and said, "I've not only waited my entire life for you, I've loved you for as long as I can remember."

"I just realized tonight that I love you, too. And although it's up to you, I also believe this is where I belong."

"Then stay with me, Ryan. Stay with us. It doesn't need to be in this tiny apartment. But stay with us. Forever."

"I will," she said as tears filled her eyes. "I will stay with you forever."

As he kissed her she moaned softly and began unbuttoning his shirt as he reached for the zipper at the back of her neck and let her dress fall to the floor along with his shirt. The rest of their clothes quickly followed and moments later, Bryce was loving her the way she needed to be loved, cementing her feelings and beliefs for a lifetime.

That week, they made the decision to live together, and two weeks later, Bryce moved all of his boxes to Ryan's house, leaving them in the garage until they could decide what to do in the longterm.

After a year of teaching, they decided to open up an actual daycare center where he would teach the children old enough for Pre-K classes and she would care for the youngest kids. He wouldn't be state certified, but it would be fun and enjoyable for the children. Word caught on quickly and by the time it opened, they were at capacity.

Ryan never did go back to church, but also never completely stopped believing in God, at least in her own new way, and Bryce never pressured her to change her views. He loved her for who she was, and what she believed made no difference to him.

In turn, Ryan knew that her handsome, younger boyfriend was a good, decent, honorable man and nothing like the caricature of atheists she'd once held as true. Her faith became more of a personal spirituality than anything else, and as time passed, she found herself happier than she'd ever been.

She and Bryce had been 'living in sin' for quite some time when, one evening, as she sat on their couch wearing her first pair of jeans since she was 14, the three of them were watching television, a newfound pleasure Ryan very much enjoyed doing—especially romantic movies. One she'd never seen, then again she'd never seen any romantic movie in over 30 years, had just ended, and when it did, Bryce saw her trying not to cry then smiled at her.

"Don't laugh!" she said as she dried her eyes with a tissue.

She watched him carefully as he got up then took Annabelle's hand and brought her over and stopped right in front of her. He and his daughter smiled at each other just as he got down on one knee and opened a small box.

"So...was that a 'yes'?" he said, still smiling.

Already emotional, Ryan tried not to cry, but she was so overwhelmed with joy and love that she couldn't help it. Annabelle threw her arms around Ryan's neck and told her, "Don't be sad, Miss Ryan. Daddy and I love you SOOO much!"

As she held that little girl, she also held out her left hand and saw the love of her life slide a modest diamond ring on her finger, and nothing had ever felt more right in her entire life.

"Well, I love you and your daddy very much, too," she told Annabelle through her tears while also looking at her father.

"And I love both of my girls with all my heart," he told them both.

Ryan was still very emotional and it got even worse—or maybe...better—when Annabelle said, "See? Now we're all a family just like I asked for!"

"Who did you ask, honey?" her father asked her.

"Mommy. I asked Mommy to give me a new mommy and now I have Miss Ryan!"

"Well, if you'd like to, I'm sure Miss Ryan wouldn't mind if you called her that," her father said, deeply touched by his daughter's words.

"Is that okay?" Annabelle asked. "Would you like to be my new mommy?"

Unable to answer, Ryan nodded and held her little girl close; the girl she adopted a month or so after marrying her father, the man she loved more than anyone on earth, with Annabelle being the girl she loved more any other.

Even Bryce felt a tear welling up in his eyes as he looked at his two beautiful girls holding hands the day his wife, Ryan Emily Kincaid, adopted Annabelle, and as he did, he had to ask himself if maybe, just maybe, there might actually be Someone 'up there' listening, after all.

No one else saw it, but as Ryan signed the papers in front of the judge, he looked up and quietly said, "Tanya? If you can hear me, I love you with all my heart. And I love Ryan that much, too. If you sent her my way, or if you sent me back to her, all I can do is say thank you, honey."