Love Notes from Summer Camp

Sarah snorted. "No, I mean that my instincts about men are demonstrably unreliable. I think I've pretty well proven that by cheating on an awesome guy like Ron with a piece of hammered crap like Chancre Face. After we broke up, he spread the word that I was an easy piece of ass. The few dates I've had since then have been disasters. Initially, they seem like great guys, but then reveal themselves to be assholes. It's pretty goddamned depressing."

So Lori and Cindy and the twins did spent a weekend with Sarah, while Amy and I had a lovely weekend of our own at a B&B up on Orcas Island. To everyone's surprise, this became a regular thing. Amy's daughters grew quite fond of Sarah and would occasionally ask to join the twins in spending a week with her. The girls even took to calling her "Aunt Sarah".

* * *

One weekend the four girls came back after a week with Sarah. Lori told Amy and me, "We're worried about Aunt Sarah."

Amy asked, "Why are you worried? Is she sick?"

"No, but she seems really sad most of the time, especially when we ask her what she does when we're not around."

Milly piped up, "Yeah, she feels bad about the divorce, and she's really tired of going out with assholes!"

Amy snorted. "She's mentioned to me that it is hard to find the right kind of man."

Lily said, "She's looking for them in all the wrong places. If she only sees people from work or that she meets in bars, all she is going to find will be more assholes. That's how she met Penis Breath."

Amy chortled, and said, "Sarah told me that you and your sister have been having a contest to come up with new names for him."

"Yes! We've thought of dozens! It's fun, and we think it really reinforces to Mom how much we disliked Meconium Mouth."

Amy and I both stifled a laugh, though with difficulty. She turned to me and said, "You know you've created a monster here."

I nodded and said, "Yes. But... it's soooo cathartic!"

The girls giggled at that, and Cindy said, "Aunt Sarah is a really nice person. We know that she made a really bad mistake, but we think she is doing her best to make up for it. We want to help her not be so sad any more. We're going to help her find a new boyfriend who isn't an asshole!"

* * *

A few weeks later, as Amy and I were going to bed, I asked, "Any idea what the girls are doing to find someone for Sarah?"

"I overhear the girls talking sometimes, when they think I'm not paying attention. Since our girls first met, they have developed a network of friends in the local folk community and among friends at school. They are constantly texting and posting things to private Facebook and Instagram pages all the time."

"Gosh, I didn't think of that."

"I get the idea that they are quietly asking around in this network, looking for single dads who meet the right qualifications."

"What sort of qualifications?" I asked.

"I think the main qualifications are single men who are not assholes."

"Seems like a good start."

"And frankly, I'm becoming a little apprehensive about their matchmaking efforts."

My eyes widened a bit. "Apprehensive? Why?"

"You know how persuasive our daughters are. It's practically their super power. Their Jedi mind trick. You remember when they bulldozed us into getting married? And having the ceremony at the camp in Idaho? Then, remember how they convinced us to go on all those plane trips to dance camps? When they did all of that yard work to pay for their plane fare, do you recall how they inveigled all of those teenage boys into doing most of the work? Tom Sawyer couldn't have done a better job!

Individually, any of our girls can sell ice to Inuits. Red popsicles to girls in white dresses. But when all four of them work as a team, they become a force of nature — especially when dealing with boys. Now we're talking hair products to Patrick Stewart. Bacon cheeseburgers at a vegan Bar Mitzvah!

I actually fear for human society sometimes — especially if our girls go into law. Or worse, politics. Or worst, law AND politics! If they decide to start matchmaking for Sarah, then god help her!"

* * *

Amy and I were right to fear our daughters' combined powers of persuasion. Over the next two months, the girls worked their wiles. The actual machinations were not apparent to their parents, but the dominoes began to fall in April. The first inkling I had was during a family discussion on summer plans. I asked, "So why can't we go hiking on Mt. Rainier that week in June?"

Milly replied, "Sorry, Dad. Lily and I already have plans to spend those two weeks with Mom."

"What are you guys going to do?"

"We don't have all the details worked out yet, Dad. We think we'll be doing some hiking and camping at a few places in California."

"That's fine, Milly. We can do Mt. Rainier sometime after you guys get back."

As summer drew closer, Lori and Cindy announced one evening that their summer kayaking course had been cancelled. Amy asked, "I'm so sorry to hear that, dears. I know that you were both looking forward to it. What do you want to do instead?"

Cindy said, "Well, Mom. We mentioned it to Lily and Milly, and they invited us to go camping with their mom down in California. Aunt Sarah said it was OK. Do you guys mind?"

I looked first at Amy, who nodded, and then back to Cindy and replied, "Sure, if it's OK with Sarah, then it's fine with us."

"Where will you guys be camping?" Amy asked.

"The plans are still a bit flexible. However, it looks like we'll be driving down I-5 to southern Oregon, and then heading west out to the Pacific coast. We'll then drive down through the Northern California redwoods to Mendocino and hang out there for a while."

"Great country," I said. "You guys will really like driving through the big trees down there."

* * *

Amy and I helped the four girls pack all of their gear into Sarah's SUV. The girls hugged us, and promised to send back pictures from the road.

Amy and I enjoyed our briefly empty nest. We seized the opportunity to dine out at places with cuisine too exotic for the palates of our daughters. We also booked a couples' massage weekend at a hot spring spa on the Olympic Peninsula. We enjoyed making love without having to stifle our usual amatory noises.

Images from the girls popped up in sporadic texts. They seemed to be competing to see who could come up with the most creatively-framed shots of tourist attractions, such as the redwood groves and the craggy Mendocino coastline. A short text from Lori mentioned that they would be camping for a week deep into the Mendocino forests, and would probably be out of cell coverage for a few days. The texts and pictures resumed about 8 days later as the girls were on their way back to Seattle. We especially enjoyed a roadside selfie of the girls and Sarah with Mt. Shasta looming off in the distance.

* * *

Two days later, Sarah's dusty SUV pulled up at our house. While I helped the four girls carry their gear back into the house, Sarah pulled Amy aside, and said, "Can you and Ron go for coffee with me right now. We need to talk."

"I was going to fix dinner for the girls..."

"Tell Ron to order pizza. Then have him come and join us. It's important!"

Amy relayed this to me. I said, "OK, but what's going on?"

"No idea. However, Sarah was pretty insistent on it. I guess she'll let us know when we get to the coffee shop."

* * *

Pizza ordered, and girls on automatic pilot for the evening, Amy and I headed over to our favorite neighborhood espresso shop. Sarah had already staked out a corner table, away from the other caffeine supplicants. We placed our orders, and then went to sit down with Sarah.

Amy said, "OK, what's on your mind?"

"Our girls are a bunch of sneaky little shits. And so are you two!"

Amy and I stared at her, nonplussed. Amy said, "What the heck are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how you guys all sandbagged me into spending a week at a dance camp in California!"

"Whaaat!?"

"C'mon, you guys had to be in on it. The girls couldn't have arranged all of that on their own."

"Arranged what!?"

"Don't act all innocent to me! When we left Seattle, the girls gave me the impression that we were just going to tool around the redwood coast, play things by ear, camp here and there, and see the sights. And that's what we did until we got to Mendocino. Once we were there, the girls wanted to go to a place they had read about. They said there were a really cool set of cabins out at the Mendocino Woodlands. They said that we could camp, hike and swim in the creek there."

"We got there, and checked into the camp. I was surprised to hear that we were already booked there for a week, and that our stay there was already paid for. Don't tell me you guys didn't set that all up."

I shook my head and said, "We had no idea about any of this. What else happened?"


"The twins said, 'We wanted to surprise you, Mom! You've been working really hard and have been really tired for the past few months and we wanted to cheer you up.' Lori and Cindy said, 'Yeah, Aunt Sarah. We hate to see you so sad all the time. We helped Lily and Milly plan a fun trip for you!'"

"The girls looked at me with their concerned little faces and their little lips quivering, so I decided to roll with it. We stowed our gear in our cabin, which was pretty damned rustic by the way. No power and no bathroom. I had to walk 200 feet to the nearest bathroom to pee!"

"Then we headed for the dining hall for supper. I noticed that there were quite a few families with kids there. While we were eating, I got my next shock of the evening. The camp director got up, made a few announcements, and then asked us to gather at the pavilion for the evening dance."

"I told the girls that I was going to bed. But they quivered their little lips again and begged me to, 'Please, please, pleeeease come dance with us.' So, I caved and went to the dance."

Amy and I continued to goggle at her. "Someone from the camp staff starting teaching a really silly dance. I tried to sit on the sidelines, but the girls pulled me out on the dance floor. They wouldn't let me sit down until I had done two more dances with them! Then another staff member got up, and told everyone a bedtime story. Then we headed back to the cabin to sleep."

Sarah said, "It wasn't until the next morning that I realized that this was not a normal camp, but one of those damned folkie camps that you guys are always running off to. I was sure then that you guys had set me up, and I was pissed. After breakfast, I told the girls to start packing up their gear, because we were leaving. The twins said, 'Moo-om! We want to stay! Besides, we've already paid for the whole week — if we leave, we'll waste all of that money.' Then Lori said, 'Besides, Aunt Sarah, we can't go. We hid your car keys. You can't have them back unless you give it a try for a few days.' I was ready to shit."

"I said several bad words that the girls seemed to already know, and then I took a few deep breaths. I realized that they had boxed me in pretty tightly. Short of making a huge scene, I didn't know what else to do. So, I grumbled and said, 'Fine! We'll give it a few days.'"

"After breakfast, the camp staff unveiled the schedule for the week, and it looked pretty damned bleak. I had a choice of dancing, African hand-clapping, a banjo workshop, or going hiking on my own. I went to the dance workshop with the girls, but I refused to let those little fuckers pull me out on the dance floor."

"After a while, I noticed that I was not the only grumpy parent sitting on the sidelines. There was this guy about our age sitting nearby. We looked at each other, and then he came over and said, 'Looks like you'd rather be somewhere else.'"

"I nodded, and said, 'Yeah, my girls brought me here under false pretenses. We were supposed to be hiking and camping. Instead, I find myself trapped at a dance camp here in Granola-ville. What happened to you?'"

"He snorted and then started laughing. I started to get a bit pissed at him. I glared at him and started to stomp out of the pavilion."

"He stopped laughing, and said. 'I'm sorry — I'm not laughing at you, just at the situation.'"

"I hissed at him, 'I fail to see why my getting trapped at a dance camp is so fucking funny!'"

"He said, 'Exactly the same thing happened to me! So, déjà vu!'"

"I stared at him like a tasered goldfish. He took arm and said, 'Let's go for a walk. I'll tell you my story, but I want to do it out of the earshot of my boys. By the way, my name is John Douglas.'"

"John and I headed out along a path marked 'Meadow Loop Trail'. I introduced myself, and mentioned that I was down from Seattle with the girls."

"John laughed, and said, 'Wow, déjà vu all over again. Me and my boys Bill and Andy are also from Washington, but we live over on Mercer Island.'"

"Yeah, that is a coincidence. How did you end up coming down to this camp?"

"John said, 'My wife and I got divorced a few years ago, and I have the boys for a few weeks this summer. When I asked them what they wanted to do, they told me that they really wanted to go camping down in California. I pointed out all of the great places we could go camping in Washington, but they wouldn't budge. So, we rolled south on I-5. We overnighted at a state park in Oregon, and then crossed the border into California.'"

"'We stopped several times to see the sights. We got to Redding in time for lunch. I was starting to enjoy the trip, and I suggested to the boys that we could probably make it to Merced before dark, and then see Yosemite National Park the next day.'"

"John said that his boys thought Yosemite sounded great, but they really had their hearts set on seeing the big coastal redwoods. He tried to point out that if they went to Yosemite, they could continue south and see Sequoia National Park. But his boys were adamant. They said that they really wanted to see the coastal redwoods and the Avenue of the Giants. He caved, and they headed through Weaverville to Arcata and Eureka on the coast. Then they turned south and drove through the Avenue of the Giants."

"I mentioned that we had gone through the same redwood grove on our way down. It was magnificent. The girls and I spent several hours there, goggling at wonderful walls of wood, and trying to fill up our iPhones with pictures."

"John tried to convince the boys to keep heading south to San Francisco. However, they would have none of it, and really wanted to stop and see Mendocino."

"So, they drove to Mendocino, and had fun taking pictures of the craggy coastal cliffs and the wind blown trees. When John talked about looking for a campsite, his boys told hims that they had already found one out in the Mendocino Woodlands."

"When they got to the camp, he was told that room and board were already paid up for a week. At this point, he was beginning to smell a rat. He had a little talk with his boys, and they confessed that they had signed up for this camp and really, really wanted to go. They told him how rough it had been since he and his wife broke up, and how they wanted to have some special time together with him this summer. They played him like a string bass, and he caved again."

"I told him that they really knew how to push his buttons. He agreed, and said, 'Yes, they do. I tend to agree with almost any reasonable request that they make of me. It's part of my penance for fucking up their lives so badly and destroying my marriage to their mom. I was an entitled asshole who cheated several times on her. I did it so thoughtlessly and so disrespectfully that she couldn't stay married to me. The breakup was terrible for both of us. But it was especially hard on our two awesome boys, and on their relationship with me. My ex and my boys finally forgave me, but they can't forget what I did. She is now married to a great guy, and I'm a part-time dad.'"

"He said, 'Another part of my self-imposed penance is to women in general. I promised myself that whenever I met someone new, I would disclose what a shit heel I am before the first date. I know that this isn't a date, but we are going to be stuck here together for the rest of the week. Now you know how I got to this camp. How did you end up here?'"

Sarah said, "Ron, that man looked so sad, and so defeated. I really empathized with him so much, especially after the way I treated you."

"I said, 'John, thank you for telling me your story. I appreciate your brutal honesty. You're right, we are both stuck here together for a week, and we might as well get along.'"

"Then I said, 'There are a lot of coincidences piling up here. We are both from the Seattle area, we are both divorced, and we both have conniving kids who have apparently brought us here under false pretenses. And, the coincidences don't stop there. You're not the only one here who destroyed their marriage through their own utter stupidity. There are too many overlaps in our stories for this to be mere chance. Could our kids already know each other? What do you think?'"

"John looked pensive and said, 'My boys go to school on Mercer Island, but they have been going into Seattle for a lot of the Friday night contradances.'"

"'Oh dear lord,' I told him. 'My girls have been going to those same dances for the past year. We may have a conspiracy on our hands.'"

"John said, 'Yeah, that makes sense. However, if it were just a matter of wanting to go to a cool camp, why wouldn't they just tell us up front? There's plenty to do here. They could dance all day and I could go hiking, or swimming, or something. They must have some other angle here.'"

"I said, 'Oh crap! You don't suppose that they are trying to set us up with each other, do you?'"

"He said, 'Yeah, that makes sense. My boys have been nudging me to start dating again. I've been too depressed to ask anyone out since my ex remarried. Those little bastards, I'll bet that they are trying to fix me up with you.'"

Amy and I were a bit gobsmacked, and must have looked it. Sarah looked at us and said, "You guys really didn't know about this?" We shook our heads. "Then how did the girls arrange all of this? How did they pay for it?"

Amy said, "That second question is easy — we set up an account for the girls where they could deposit all of their earnings from babysitting and musical gigs. They must have a bit more cash in there than we thought!"

I said, "The first question is a bit more troubling. Our pairs of daughters have always been pretty effective at manipulating their parents. However, after the four of them started hanging together, their collective ability to coax, wheedle and sweet-talk us seemed to level up. It took a while for Amy and me to notice, but the girls were using all sorts of little ploys and stratagems to push us together. They even obliquely hinted that we should start having sex together. They eventually maneuvered us into our engagement by proposing to us! Since then, we've been keeping an eye on them, but it sounds like your love life is their new, special project"

Amy said, "It may be worse than we thought. A few months ago I was looking for something in the twins' room and saw The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Prince by Machiavelli on their desk. They may just be pranking us by leaving those books out, but it could also be research for dealing with their parents and their boyfriends. Yes, over the past year, they have discovered boys, and have started practicing their wiles on them. They now have a band of besotted boys following them around at the local contradances."

I said, "Yep, they are a bunch of little schemers, all right. So far, they seem to use their super powers only for good. We shudder to think what they might do it they didn't like someone."