Love Notes from Summer Camp

Sarah put her hand over her face and said, "Merde. When I left Ron and moved in with Asstard, the girls really didn't like him. Looking through the retrospectoscope, our sex life plunged during the weeks I had the girls. Now that I think of it, they may have had something to do with some of the disasters we had on our trip to Hawai'i a few years ago. They made us keep the door open between our rooms because of 'nightmares'. Shit Breath had bad diarrhea for most of the trip that kept his ass glued to the toilet most of the time. It didn't help that the toilet paper kept mysteriously running out — he had to call room service for extra TP several times a day. Also, no one else got sunburned but me. I wonder if they messed with my sunscreen?"

Amy said, "Now that I think of it, my girls did mention once that you were tired of dating assholes. They said that they were going to do something about that. I now think that it is more than just talk. So, how did the rest of the week go at Mendocino?"

Sarah said, "Once John and I realized that our girls and his boys had manipulated us into coming to camp, we sat down to discuss how we should react."

"John said, 'I suppose that we could get back at them by simply ignoring each other for the rest of camp. That would show the little bastards.'"

"I giggled, 'It would, indeed. However, if we did that, I worry about what other scheme they might hatch to push us together. Here's a thought: what if we hang out together all week and give them the impression that we're falling for each other? Then at the end of camp, when the kids are hoping for an exciting denouement, we will just wave goodbye, walk away from each other and drive home."

"John said, 'Diabolical — I like it! And, now that you know what a piece of pond scum I am, there's no chance of us actually falling for each other.'"

"I said, 'Ummm... about that, John. You're not the only piece of pond scum in this conversation. You need to hear a bit more of my backstory.''

"I went on to relate how my own idiocy had ruptured my relationship with you and the twins, Ron. I told John, 'When Jason dumped me for another woman, I finally realized how badly I had hurt Ron when I betrayed him. Now the shoe is on the other foot. As a fellow betrayer, I have a pretty good idea how you feel, John. There's nothing like scoring an own goal on your own soul to make you feel like a piece of hammered shit.'"

"John said, 'Amen, sister. You're preaching to the saved. Or in my case, the damned. You know, you're the first woman I've told my story to who hasn't immediately walked away from me. If you really don't mind, I would be delighted to spend the rest of the week hanging out with you.'"

"I said, 'Testify, brother, testify! It is a huge relief to not have my own sorry history hanging over my head.'"

"John said, 'It is a relief. You know, I still feel like a piece of shit, but somehow it doesn't bother me as much when I'm with you. My misery will be happy to keep company with yours.'"

"I noticed that it was almost noon and said, 'Why don't we walk back and grab some food? After lunch, maybe we can find a workshop that we can both tolerate.'"

"So, that was the turning point of the Mendocino camp for me. After lunch, we spent the afternoon doing some unexpectedly fun things. Neither one of us plays a musical instrument, but the workshop on African hand clapping was a blast. The leader divided us up into small groups. Each group would learn a simple clapping pattern, and then rejoin the main group. When all of the simple patterns were blended together, it produced this amazing rhythm that had us all dancing while we clapped."

"Then we spent two hours singing rounds. I remember singing 'Row, row, row your boat' as a three-part round back in elementary school, but this was much more fun. Some of the rounds were so silly that we couldn't sing with a straight face. After all the kids in the class left to go swimming, the group leader taught us some fairly filthy but hilarious versions of old folk songs. I can never un-hear his alternative words to She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain."

"The kids all had a wonderful time at the camp. John's two sons spent the week helplessly orbiting around our four girls. We didn't witness anything inappropriate among them. They were all very sweet to John and me, and made sure that we never sat out for long at the evening square dances. I don't think either John or I will get as addicted to that kind of music or dance as you two are, but we can see the appeal of it now."

"John and I went on quite a few hikes through the forest. We also spent a lot of time talking about life, our kids and mistakes we had made. There's something really liberating about being around another person who has fucked up their marriage as badly as I have."

"The last few years of dating have been torture for me. Everyone comes into a new relationship with skeletons in their closet. You dread the day that they are finally revealed to your significant other. With a skeleton as despicable as mine, most guys are going to dump you in a New York nanosecond. The great thing about hanging out with John is that his skeleton is just as bad as mine and they are both already out of the closet! You don't know what a relief it was to not have that hanging over our heads!"

"Another thing we do for each other is to give a badly needed dose of perspective. Sometimes the remorse that John feels is so intense that life seems hopeless to him. At these times when he has convinced himself that he is utterly worthless, I remind him of all of the good things about him. I watch what he does and says, and see how he treats his two boys and our girls. I tell him that he is a good man who made a terrible mistake and will never do it again. I hug him and let him know that he is a great dad, is worthy of friendship and love, and deserves to have joy again. Then, when I am the one spiraling down into despair, he does the same thing for me."

Sarah turned to me. "You have been so kind to me over the past year. When I betrayed you and hurt you, you treated me fairly. You were angry as hell, but you didn't try to punish me in the divorce. You could barely stand to talk to me, but you were never mean or cruel or vindictive. Nowadays, you and Amy treat me like a friend. You are kind to me, and let me spend time with all four girls. I am so thankful for that,"

Sarah said, "The last five days of the Mendocino camp went really well. John and I relaxed more and more. We tried more activities at camp and enjoyed most of them. And by most, I mean that I will not be buying a banjo, bagpipes or a hurdy-gurdy anytime soon. But, I can see myself going to the occasional folk dance in Seattle with the girls."

"John and I became pretty good friends by the end of the week. His boys continue to be besotted with our four girls. At the end of camp, we drove back to Seattle in a convoy, and the kids thought that that was fine as frog's hair. John and I did all the driving, and the six kids rotated between each car at every stop. We took our time and saw the sights on our way back north. Besides the usual roadside attractions, John and his boys introduced us to geocaching. It turns out there is a geocache at just about every rest area on I-5. We had a lot of fun looking for small, magnetic cache containers at each stop, signing the logs and then replacing the caches without alerting any of the muggles around us."

Amy asked, "Are you going to keep seeing John, now that you're back?"

"Yes, we both want to do that. It's a real gift to have a guilt-free relationship with someone."

I said, "I'm very glad that the kids' machinations turned out so well. If things progress and you guys ever need a weekend alone together, we'll be glad to take all the kids off your hands."

Sarah smiled and said, "We're not quite ready for that step. However, the girls have convinced us that we need to give Whirlyball a try."

Amy said, "So, hopefully you now believe that Ron and I were not the evil puppet masters setting up your week in California."

Sarah laughed. "Yes, I do believe you now. It's all on the kids' heads. And yes, John and I have forgiven them for their plotting to get us together. Despite all that he and I did to destroy our respective families, the kids continued to love us and believe in us. Their schemes got two sad, damaged people together. We are still sad and still damaged, but we're also happier now and a lot more hopeful."

Sarah added, "Ron, thank you so much for taking the high road in all this. You could have hurt or destroyed me in so many ways during the divorce. You are a great exemplar of the old saying about the best revenge coming from living well. By living well, you have shown me how much I have lost, and how much I want to have it again. I will always be grateful for that."

* * *

Things continued to go well between John and Sarah. They did go to the occasional contradance together in Seattle. They also had a great time during a wild weekend of Whirlyball set up by the kids. However, their favorite thing to do together continued to be their walks and hikes around the Seattle area.

Their easy intimacy while hiking grew into emotional intimacy and eventually into physical intimacy. Sleepovers at our house were popular with all six kids, and opened up a number of weekends for quality, kid-free canoodling for John and Sarah.

The four of us started going out together. At a restaurant one night, Sarah asked Amy, "Have you noticed anything odd about the kids lately? The girls wanted to go shopping for new bathing suits. That seems odd since it's still too chilly to swim in Lake Washington."

"Hmmm... Now that you mention it, the girls have been a bit more secretive than usual. An incoming text will ding on one of their phones. They will show it to the others, and they all giggle. When we ask them what's so funny, they put an innocent look on their faces, giggle some more and say, 'Nothing, Mom!' What about you, Ron?"

"Pretty much what you said. Something seems to be going on that is a bit beyond their usual teen intrigues. The girls did ask me the other day if we could look at ukuleles over at Dusty Strings. What do you think, John?"

"Nothing I can put my finger on. The boys have been talking a lot about surfing lately. They didn't mention wet suits, though, which you really need for the Washington beaches. That made my spidey-sense tingle."

Sarah said, "Yeah, it all sounds like they are up to something again. Do you suppose that they are trying to run another long con on us. Maybe another vacation plot?"

Amy said, "Based on what we've discussed tonight, they might be thinking about Hawai'i."

"Oh shit!" said Sarah. "Not after the fiasco we had there last time."

John said, "Looks like we need to have a family meeting about this with all six kids. Based on past experience, we had better get on top of this. The four of us could end up roofied, and shanghaied onto a slow boat to fuck knows where." Consensus was reached, and a date was picked for a family barbecue.

* * *

When barbecue day arrived, many tasty things were grilled and eaten. The parental tribunal then cast their steely gazes upon the six kids. I asked, "Do you kids have something you would like to tell us?"

The boys looked uncomfortable. The girls, on the other hand, looked as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. As the parental perusal continued in silence, the kids looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and nodded. Milly turned to the adults and said, "It's about time you guys figured it out. We weren't sure how long it was going to take you to catch on this time."

I arched an eyebrow, and waved my wrist in a sign for her to keep going.

Milly continued, "After Dad met Amy, we girls could see how they felt about each other by the second day of camp. But it took them two months to admit it! We realized that if we let them move at their own pace, we'd be out of high school before they ever hooked up. So, we did what we could to nudge them closer together, and give them some privacy. They finally started getting serious, but were still moving like two snails in a sack race. We finally couldn't wait any longer for Amy or Dad to propose, so we did it for them!."

Amy and I blushed. I rubbed my face and motioned for Milly to continue.

"We finally got the two of them married off. Lately, we started to focus on Mom. She was so sad all the time that we couldn't stand it. We decided that we needed to find a boyfriend for her. We're too young to go to clubs or dance halls, so we tried something different. We figured that if Dad could meet someone as nice as Amy at a folk dance camp, maybe Mom could too — sort of a 'milk and cookie meat market'. But we didn't want to leave it to chance. So, we started inviting girls and boys from our school to go to the local contradances. They had so much fun that they invited other friends to go. We danced with as many boys as possible, and did our best to meet their parents.

It's surprising how much you can learn from eavesdropping on adults. They often forget that we are around and gossip and dish on other parents. Before long, we had a short list of boys with single dads. Based on what we overheard, we ruled out some of the dads — especially the creepy ones. When we had a short list of boys and dads, we started checking them out more closely at soccer and baseball games. The dads were all so focused on the game that we could sit close to them and still be almost invisible. Several of the dads quickly turned out to be total assholes. They would yell at their kids when they did something wrong, and yell at the kids on the other team when they did something right. We finally narrowed it down to just two or three dads. We talked up summer plans with their sons, and did our best to get them to nudge their dad into going to Mendocino. We were hoping to get all three dads there, so that Mom could have a wider choice. However, the only ones that could convince their dad were Bill and Andy. We didn't mind, because John was our number one choice."

John was now rubbing his face with both hands and shaking his head.

Lily said, "Once we tricked you guys into going to camp, we weren't sure that we could keep you there. However, we're so glad that you stayed."

Sarah sighed, and said, "Yeah, we were initially really pissed at you little turds, but I've got to say, it worked out pretty well. Thanks for caring enough about us to ambush us like that." She paused, and then said, "But, that is old news. You still haven't told us what you're up to this time." She squinted her eyes first at the twins, and then at the other kids. "If any of you guys want to go to another contradance before you're off to college, now would be a pretty darned good time to tell us."

Milly said, "OK, Mom, I'll tell you. We want to give you a do-over on Hawai'i."

"What!! That was the worst vacation I've ever had. Why would I want to go back there?"

The twins looked down at their feet, and then Lily responded, "We're sorry that you had such a terrible time. But we really, really didn't like Dildoface. We did NOT want our first trip there to be with him. We resented him for taking you away from Dad, and we didn't want him to have any fun there. We were thrilled when he ate that bad sushi with the parasites. We didn't make that happen, but once his butt was glued to that toilet, we did make sure that our rooms were always out of toilet paper."

I snorted, and tried hard not to laugh. Sarah looked to the heavens and then asked, "Did you two little monsters screw with my sunscreen?"

The twins hung their heads, and Milly replied, "A little bit, Mom."

Sarah glared at her and said, "A little bit? What the heck does that mean?"

Milly continued, "We squeezed out most of the sunscreen and replaced it with normal face cream. We're sorry that you got so sunburned. But, we really hated the thought of you and Crotchface in bed together in the next room."

"Yeah, Mom!" added Lily. "We did everything we could to make sure that you guys didn't get to boink each other while we were there."

Sarah's face was now bright red, and she tried in vain to fry the girls in their tracks with laser bolts from her eyes.

"That's right, Mom!" Milly said. "We told you that we had nightmares so that you guys would keep the door between our rooms open all night. But we weren't completely lying about that. The thought of having to listen to you two screwing in the next room WAS a nightmare for us. If that didn't work, we would have tried something else.

Plan B was for us to take turns barfing all night so that you would have to take care of us. Plan C was the late night room service menu — there would have been food arriving at your room all night long."

Lily said, "Plan D was calling the emergency maintenance man to fix your stopped up toilet. Plan E was calling the EMTs and Plan F was pulling the fire alarm on our floor."

Sarah was ready to shit. Amy and I, on the other hand, were now shaking with poorly contained laughter. John was desperately trying to hold it together in solidarity with Sarah, but was fighting a losing battle.

Milly said, "So Mom, we kids have been trying to figure out how to get the six of us and the four of you to go on a family vacation in Hawai'i together. We want to give all of us a do-over. We want you to go back there with someone who is actually worthy of you. We'd like to wipe out that horrible week we had before and have a wonderful time as a family. This time we'll do everything we can to make it a great trip for you!"

Lily said, "Yes, John loves you! We want you to have a wonderful time there with him, even if you do spend the whole week in bed boning each other. We'll wear earplugs! We'll even help you push your beds together!"

Sarah gaped like a bewildered, big-mouthed bass. Amy and I were now helpless with laughter.

John stood and then pulled Sarah to into his arms. "Give it up, sweetie! Let's accept defeat gracefully and all go to freaking Hawai'i together!" Then he kissed her. When she started kissing him back, the kids cheered.

Sarah and John finally came up for air. Sarah turned to the girls and gave them a mock glare, and said, "All right, you little monsters, we'll all go to Hawai'i together. But this time, John and I get to propose to each other. OK?"

Amy and I and the kids whooped and high-fived each other and many hugs were had.

* * *

We did all end up going to Hawai'i together, but we stayed for two weeks. We booked several beachside condos and convinced Mark and Lisa and their girls to come along.

Sarah and John had finally gotten around to proposing to each other, and tied the knot one evening, as the sun set on the beach at Waikiki. We were all decked out in sarongs, hula skirts, Hawaiian shirts and leis. The bride and the groom were given away to each other by their kids, and Mark officiated at the ceremony.

The wedding was followed by a luau and a rather awesome wedding dance. Mark and Lisa invited some local musical friends, who showed up with instruments and several of their dancing friends. My banjo and I joined this mighty pickup band and a wild rumpus ensued. After a snowball waltz, Lily and Lori took turns calling contradances.

The kids used their phones to grab a lot of great pictures and videos of the whole event, which they uploaded to an online wedding album. I love the shots of our beautiful kids — smiling, laughing, dancing and playing music together. They even caught one of me swing dancing with Sarah, both of us wearing big smiles.

However, my very favorite picture is one that Lily took of me and my banjo standing next to Amy at the piano — a shot that captures the essential core of our relationship. We are smiling at each other and filling the air with joyful music. This image is now the wallpaper for my phone. And for my heart.