Masculine and Beautiful

Jeezuz, her cunt had been so wet but so freakin' tight. It felt perfect, absolutely perfect. The last time in the bathroom he was glad he had shot a couple loads before that so he had more control. He was glad that earlier they did it in a few positions too. He wanted to find out which Mom liked the most. He smiled. As far as he could tell, she liked the few they did. In the bathroom he remembered her telling him to fuck her, to cum in her. Her words had been his trigger. As soon as she said that, he exploded. Yeah, that had been awesome, fucking her so rough, like they were freakin' animals.

He had been exhausted after that, as he had after the time on the bed. He was glad on the bed he remembered not to just roll off her. He had given her a bunch of kisses and did all that tender stuff that he had read about in that lovemaking book at the library.

Wait. Did he? He hoped he did. Marcia had loved that. Hell, he liked it too, it seemed to make it more making love than just fucking. It was fun too, little laughs, smiles all that... but mannnn... that last time in the bathroom, he had been too exhausted after he pumped his load into Mom to do anything more than breathe. She had been exhausted too.

He was pretty sure she fell asleep before he did. He had loved the way she nestled her body into his, her inner thigh on top of his, her head on his shoulder, her hand slowly stroking his chest, only a half dozen times or so before her breathing got deep and regular. He smiled. A few times she had this cute, not really a snore, more like a noisy breath. He recalled he could still smell booze on her breath, even after she brushed her teeth. God, it had all been hotter than his wildest fantasies.

Some of that tender stuff would be good to do now. He was sure she was asleep. Would waking her with kisses be a good thing to do, even if she was hungover? She'd probably groan, then ask him to get some aspirins or something for her. He knew they were going to need to talk. He was hoping she'd be okay with all of it, and that even see how they could keep doing it, not all the time, but like when Dad went on a business trip or maybe during the day once in a while when he was at work. Would she go for that? She was as horny as he had been last night. She needed it as much as he did, and...

His gut clenched when he thought of Dad. No, it was okay. He'd never know, and Tom was sure Dad wasn't giving Mom what she wanted, what she needed. Tom knew he was bullshitting himself, but then again, if Dad wasn't stepping up, then...

Tom decided to think about that later. Maybe Mom really would be fine with it. He knew he really didn't think she would be, but... she was the one who said they should fuck last night, right? That first time she said no, but then later she said yes. Maybe even being a bit drunk she had already made up her mind that it would be okay to keep doing it. Yeah, maybe she already decided. Maybe she'd be perfectly fine with a little secret relationship. Dad wouldn't be hurt because he wouldn't know about it! Jeezuz, just thinking it might come true made his cock even harder than it had been a couple minutes ago. He noticed again none of the sheet was covering him. He wondered if she pulled it off him in her sleep. It was just wrapped around her.

His head moved towards her. He kissed her shoulder. He smiled. It made her twitch slightly, then tremble in her sleep. He raised his head a little, and planted another soft kiss closer to her neck. Again she trembled. He smiled before kissed her neck, then another higher on her shoulder. His body moved closer. His hand slid onto her sheet covered hip then started slowly sliding to her waist. She trembled yet again. He gave another kiss to her high shoulder, then pressed his chest against her back and leaned his head over to look at her profile. He froze. His gut clenched. Mom's face was scrinched, tears were running over the bridge of her nose. He saw the pillow was wet with them.

"Mom... are... are you all right?"

Mara swallowed, then sniffled. "You... you should go to your own bed to sleep."

"Mom..." He didn't know what to say. He felt like he was in freefall.

"I n-need to be alone. Please go to y-your own bed. Now... please." She sniffled again.

Tom was suddenly in a daze. "I... uh... okay." His cock had already deflated. He felt scared. "Mom, do you want anyth..."

Mara interrupted, "I need to be alone. Please just go." Her body trembled as she tried to stop herself from sobbing.

Tom still in a daze, slid off the opposite side of the bed. He was naked. When he rounded the bottom end of the bed, Mom rolled onto her other side, pulling the sheet up to her neck, as if she didn't want to look at him. He saw his sports shorts on the floor. He quickly stepped to them and picked them up, then noticed the squeeze bottle of lube on the floor. He picked that up too, then started for the hallway, his mind reeling.

Mara sniffled. "Close the door."

At the doorway, he grabbed the door knob, then looked back at Mom. She was shaking under the sheet. She wasn't making any sound, but he knew she was crying hard. He stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

Mara's mind was reeling too. She had been awake for nearly an hour, frozen with fear, grief, sorrow, and self-hatred for allowing last night to happen, for cheating on Phil, for doing so much damage to her son, for committing such depraved and perverted incestuous acts, for destroying her son's love for her and smashing her marriage vows with her sinful and disgusting needs, her selfishness, her self-centeredness. How could she have done it?! She started sobbing loudly. She had destroyed her son's life, her marriage, Phil's life, probably Denise's too, and her own life. Oh God.... I'm so sorry!

*

As the day wore on Tom got more and more nervous, even scared. He periodically returned to her door just to listen. Before noon, he mostly heard crying, sometimes sobbing, sometimes Mom blowing her nose. In the afternoon all those sounds lessened. He brought her a tray of cut up fruit, two containers of yogurt, a glass of ice water, and a glass of cranberry juice. He knocked on the door and told her he had lunch tray for her. She didn't answer him. He got more scared, then even more when he tried to open the door and it was locked.

"MOM! MOM! Are you all right?!" He stupidly tried to turn the knob repeatedly.

"I'm not hungry."

Tom exhaled with relief. "You... you have to eat something. I have some ice water and some juice for you on the tray too." She didn't respond. He looked at the tray, then the closed door. "Mom, I-I understand that you don't even want to look me right now, but you have to eat. I'm going to put the tray on the floor out here. I'll go downstairs, and-and wait ten minutes, then I'll come back. If... if the tray is still on the floor, I'm... I'm going to get the pin and unlock your door and come inside. You-you have to eat."

His eyes welled up as he listened for a response. None came. He set the tray on the floor, wiped his eyes, then went downstairs. He sat at the island counter watching the clock. When he returned to her door exactly ten minutes later, the tray was gone.

Throughout the afternoon, Tom continued to quietly go up the stairs and listen. Mom was still crying on and off. Around 4:00PM Bill called. Tom talked to him for only ten minutes. Bill asked him a couple questions that made Tom's gut clench. He gave him quick answers, then changed the subject.

Bill told him Julie was going to drag him to the movies again to see some chick flick on Friday night, maybe they could do something on Saturday during the day. Saturday evening he was going out with Julie again, they were going to double with Jim and Carie.

Tom said he'd probably not be able to do anything Saturday, because his dad was coming home and he had to mow the lawn and do some other shit, and he really wasn't up for much anyway.

"Hey, dude, I know it's tough about Marcia, but... there's other pussy in the world, ya know?"

Tom responded, "I'll call you next week sometime."

"Okay, bro. Say hi to your mom for me." Bill smiled.

"Yeah.

"Later, dude."

"Yeah." Tom pressed the end button. He thought of Julie. He wondered if Bill knew just how fuckin' lucky he was. Nice, smart, fun, with a killer bod and an ass to die for.

Tom's gut clenched. Did Dad know how lucky he was having Mom. He thought his dad didn't know. Tom now thought Mom's actions over the past week were at least some of Dad's fault, he wasn't paying attention to her, he wasn't in love with her anymore. What a fuckin' dickwad. Tom closed his eyes. He knew he was trying to blame someone else for his own stupidity, for thinking with his prick instead of his brain. He loved her, she was his mom. How the fuck could he have been so fucking stupid?!

*

A little after 8:00PM, Mara came down the stairs, holding her tray and slowly walked to the kitchen. Tom gazed at her from where he was sitting in the upholstered chair in the family area. She was wearing pants pajamas with her white terry cloth robe cinched tight at her waist even though it was very warm in the house. Her hair looked damp, like it was only towel dried after a shower. She wasn't wearing any makeup. He rose from the chair and walked into the kitchen area. He saw she had hardly eaten anything from the tray. He looked on as she set it on the wall countertop, then put the bowl of fruit and the unopened container of yogurt back in the fridge. She picked up her water glass put some ice in it from refrigerator door dispenser, then started filling it with tap water.

He took a breath, trying to calm his nervousness, before speaking. "Mom? Are you... ahh... all right?"

Mara's throat tightened. "I'm tired. I'm not feeling well. I'm... going back to bed."

"Is there... anyth..."

Mara broke in, "I can't talk right now. I-I'm not feeling well. I'm... I'm sorry." She turned off the faucet. She couldn't look at him, out of shame, and out of fear she'd start crying again. She put the glass down, then held the edge of the countertop with both hands and stared into the sink. "We... we need to talk, but... I-I can't right now."

"Mom, I... I'm just so... sorry."

"I'm going to bed." Her teary eyes were about to overflow. She picked up her glass and headed for the stairs not chancing a glance at her son. It would do no good to try to talk to him yet. She knew he was concerned, maybe even scared but she couldn't help him even though she wanted to. She would fall to pieces again just looking into his eyes.

Tom watched her. As she reached the stairs, tears began running down his face.

*

When Tom woke Thursday morning his gut was already tensed. He glanced at the clock, it was a little past 7:30AM. He had drifted off to sleep sometime around 2:00AM, then woke about every 45 minutes to an hour since then, until the last time around 6:00AM.

He rubbed his face. His gut clenched tighter. His fears and guilt burgeoning yet again. He stared at the ceiling. Mom's going to tell Dad everything. They'll get a divorce. It's all my fault. I've ruined her life. I've ruined Dad's life. What if she stays in her room again today? What if she's having a nervous breakdown or something and I'm too stupid to realize it? Oh, jeezuz. She wouldn't take pills or something to off herself, would she? Would she? Oh jeezuz!

Tom jumped out of bed. He quickly pulled on a pair of shorts and a T shirt, then rushed down to her room. The door was open. His almost vomited when he had a vision of Mom lying in the bathroom, dead from some overdose. He hurried to the master bath door. It was open, she wasn't inside. Where the hell is she?! He ran out of her room and downstairs. He saw her sitting at the island counter. His heart was racing. He slowed down and walked into the kitchen area. She was dressed in long shorts and a baggy T shirt, much like himself. It looked like she had showered but again only dowel dried her hair. There were dark shadows under her eyes. She was drinking a glass of orange juice.

"Mom? Do you want me to do anything for you. Fix you something to eat? Scrambled eggs or something."

"No."

"Mom... I-I'm sorry. I want to make things right. I-I don't know what to do. I'll do anything you want."

She didn't look at him. Her eyes welled up. "I... I don't know what to do either. I-I need to think." She looked away and wiped her eyes. She still couldn't stop the self-recriminations, the sadness, the guilt, the fears, the shame, regret, remorse that had swirled in her mind since she woke yesterday morning. "We... we will need to talk, but I-I c-can't right now."

"Do... do you want me t..."

She interrupted, "No. I don't want... don't want you to do anything for me." Her fingers wiped her eyes again.

His stomach seemed to be going down a roller coaster. Is she saying she doesn't want me around? Is... is she saying she doesn't love me anymore?

"I... I need time to-to think. Why don't you... why don't you go out for a while, spend some time with your friends."

Mara knew she had to start thinking clearly. She had never lied to Phil before and she knew she'd have to keep her horrible acts secret from him for the rest of her life if she was to hold her marriage and family together. She didn't know if she was capable of lying to Phil for one second let alone the rest of her life. She knew Tommy needed her right now, and she desperately wanted to hug him and tell everything would be all right, but she didn't know if that was true nor did she really believe it. She also knew if she hugged Tommy right now, she'd just break down sobbing again. She couldn't do that. She had to start thinking clearly, calmly, she had to figure out what to say to her son first, and then what to say if anything to Phil. She reminded herself for thousandth time, that Phil would be home in two days. She had two days to figure it all out, and she couldn't think clearly for more than a few moments. Figuring things out in two days was impossible! She wiped her eyes again.

Tom emotionally felt as if he had been hit in the chest with a baseball bat. "I... I-I guess I'll... do that." He waited a few moments to see if Mom would say anything more. She didn't.

He went up to his room to grab his wallet and keys, and put on sneakers. He left the house by way of the front door so he didn't have to walk passed her. He didn't drive to any friend's house, he went to the park. He walked to a secluded spot he and Marcia had found one day. They had a few impromptu picnics there, messed around a little too. When he got there, he sat with his back against a tree. A minute later he was crying and sobbing as hard as his mother had been doing the past couple days.

He didn't return home until 7:30PM after having a burger at a fast food joint. Mom was in her terry cloth bathrobe and pajamas again, filling a tall tumbler with ice at the fridge door. She didn't turn to look at him when he entered from the mud room.

Mara still couldn't face her son. "I'm going to bed. I'm... I'm still not feeling very well."

"Do... do you want me to do anything fo..."

She interrupted, "No. I... I just need to go to bed." She added water to the glass at the sink, then turned and headed upstairs.

Tom watched his mother disappear up the stairs. His eyes teared up. He hated himself to his very core.

* * *

CHAPTER 6

Mara awoke. It was dark. She wasn't sure if it was still late Thursday night or early Friday morning. Her skin was damp with sweat, so was the pillowcase and the sheet beneath her. She looked at the windows. It wasn't yet dawn but close to it. She might have been asleep for a couple hours or so. She reached for a tissue to wipe her face and noticed the light at the bottom of the bedroom door. The hallway light was on. She thought she heard something, then a shadow passed by. Tommy was up already, or hadn't he been asleep yet? Was there something on the floor by the door? She wiped her face with the tissue, then sat up in bed. Was that an envelope?

She slid off the bed and went to the door. It was an envelope. She picked it up. In the dim light coming in from the street lamp she saw "Mom" written on it. She went back to her bed and turned on the lamp. The envelope wasn't sealed. She pulled open the tucked in flap, and removed a PC printed single page. She opened it up and started reading:

.

Mom-

I know you'll never forgive me for what I did, and you shouldn't forgive me. I'll never forgive myself. Even though I want things to go back to the way they were, us just being mother and son, having the great relationship we had before, I now know that's impossible no matter how much I wish we could, no matter how sorry I am for what I did to you. I know it's unforgivable. I am the worst son in the world.

I know that if I stay here, all I'll do is make you sad, make you feel terrible every time you lay eyes on me. I'm so sorry, so very sorry for hurting you. You may not ever believe this, but part of the reason I did what I did was for you, to make you feel good, to make you feel loved in a way I don't think you get anymore. But I also know I did it for myself, to make my terrible and crazy fantasies come true. What I've done is terrible, beyond forgiveness.

I owe you, you and Dad, the world, and you owe me nothing. I think the only way that you will be able to go back to the way you were, being beautiful, wonderful, happy, is for me to leave, to go away, to get out of your life. It's the only way.

By the time you read this I'll be gone. I'm have my savings so I'll be okay for a while. I'm going to try to get my job back with Halstan Construction and ask to be kept on after summer. I can't expect you and Dad to put me through college now or ever. I will tell Dad I just changed my mind about going to school. If I can't get a job, I'm going to join the military. I will be okay and hopefully you'll recover from what I did to you.

I'm so sorry, Mom, I'm so very, very sorry.

I will always, always love you.

Tom

.

Tears were cascading down Mara's face. She dropped the letter and rushed to her locked bedroom door. She yanked it open and stepped into the hall. "TOMMY! TOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?!" She ran down to his room. He wasn't there, but she saw his sports duffel bag packed, and his backpack full too. She heard running steps on the stairs. She turned to look.

"Mom! What happened?! What's wrong?!"

Mara's hands formed fists. She shook them up and down with each of her shouted words, "You're... not... going... ANYWHERE!" She started sobbing and slowly fell to her knees. A moment later Tommy was next to her pulling her close, his arms wrapped around her. "You're... n-not... l-leaving!" Mara completely broke down.

Tom was scared even more than he had been the past couple days. He was afraid Mom was having a complete nervous breakdown. He considered calling 9-1-1. He moved his arms, one under her legs, the other around her back. He shifted, then picked her up. He carried her to her bedroom. She was gasping breaths and sobbing.

He lay her on the bed, then ran to the master bath, filled a Dixie cup with water and rushed back to the bed, then saw the glass on her night table. Mom had curled up into a fetal position and she was shaking as she cried. He set the cup down on the table, then pulled the sheet over her, not sure if that was best or not. Why didn't he know what to do?! He wiped his eyes and face realizing he was crying too. He saw his note on the floor. He thought he had been super quiet getting those two boxes down to his car. She must have heard him and woke up.