Masculine and Beautiful

"Mom... should... should I take you to the-the hospital?"

Mara kept sobbing but shook her head.

"What... what should I do?" He hated himself more, not only for what he had done to her, but now for not knowing what the hell to do. His throat constricted. His voice was strained, "Mom... I'm sorry... I'm so damn sorry." More tears ran down his face.

Mara kept crying but she moved her arm raising it, her hand out to him. She felt him take it with both of his own. She pulled him until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. She held his hand tighter, still crying, but the sobbing was lessening.

Mara cried for another five minutes, then she just caught her breath for a few minutes, her hand still tight on his. She sniffled, didn't look at him when she spoke. "You're not... going anywhere, Tommy."

Tears were still running down Tom's face. "Mom... I don't know what to do. I... what I did was unforgivable. I-I never should have-have touched you. All I do now, all I will do now is make you sad, upset you... I-I don't want to do that to you. I hate myself for what I did, but I don't know what else to do, but... but to leave."

"You're not leaving. You're not going anywhere." She took a few more deep breaths. "I have to go to the b-bathroom. Let me up."

Tom stood. He felt Mom's hand loosen on his so he let it go. He wiped his eyes and face with his hand.

Mara stood up, didn't look at Tommy as she said, "Don't you dare leave this room." She walked into the master bath and closed the door.

Tom sat on the edge of the mattress again. Damn me. DAMN ME! He then thought he probably would be for what he had done. How could he have thought it would be good for her too? He suddenly remembered what he had said to Alicia, how he wasn't a man yet, but wasn't a kid either. No, I'm just one selfish, stupid fucking asshole! Tuesday night with Mom, he hadn't given a thought, or at least much thought, to what might happen on Wednesday, how she would feel the next day. What the hell had he expected? How could he have possibly imagined everything would just go back to normal, with maybe him and Mom hooking up now and then because it felt really good and because Dad was an incredible idiot about giving her what she obviously needed? How the fuck could he have been so freakin' blind and stupid?! She was his mother for godsakes! Friday night had been different. Things couldn't go back to normal after Tuesday night the way they had after that Friday night.

Tom heard the bathroom door open. He looked up and saw Mom with her thick terry robe on, cinched tight around her waist.

"Tommy, those... those bags on your bed. Unpack them. You're not leaving this home, this family."

"Mom, I just d..."

Mara interrupted, "Unpack them now." She wiped her eyes with a tissue in her hand. "We... we'll figure out... w-what to do. How... how t-to make things right again."

"Mom, I..."

She broke in again, "Just go and unpack. Now."

Tom stood. "Are you all right? Do you want anything?"

"I'm... okay. Unpack, then... go downstairs. Make yourself something to eat. And... I'll shower and... and come down soon." She wiped her eyes again.

"Okay, Mom." He felt more tears rising as he headed to his room.

*

Tom shifted his ass in the overstuffed chair. They had been talking in spurts with long intervals of silence for nearly three hours. He glanced at Mom on the couch. She had come down wearing cotton pleated pants and a loose T shirt, obviously covering up as much of her body as she could no matter how warm it was in the house. She had a pile of crumpled, tear stained tissues next to her. She was gazing at her hands slowly twisting another tissue.

He mentally reviewed most of what had been said. They each had nearly fallen over themselves trying to take the blame for what happened. Mom saying she was the worst the mother and wife in the world, he saying he was the absolute worst son in the universe. He had argued with her, repeatedly saying it was all his fault. He told her she was talking like he was ten years old, but he wasn't some naive boy, so it was his fault. Then about an hour or so ago, they had sort of agreed to share the responsiblity.

He had told her he'd do anything to make things right again, even doing what he had written in the note. She had gotten vehement about him not leaving, that it wasn't the solution for any of it, that it would just make everything worse, and he wasn't going into the army ever. He knew it would have been difficult to explain his sudden leaving to Dad, but he figured he could just tell him he had changed his mind about college and just wanted to be on his own. Something like that.

He assumed that Dad could never know. He knew that was probably tearing Mom apart, and he guessed it would be similar for himself too once Dad returned, but at the moment he didn't feel that bad about what in essence had been dissing his dad really badly, incredibly badly, yet the guy was a fuckin' idiot not to still be crazy in love with Mom. The guy had to be a total doofus.

They hadn't said a word for at least ten minutes. He wished he could think of something new to say. He watched tears run down Mom's face again. She wiped her eyes and cheeks with the tissue yet again.

Mara took a breath. "I... I don't know how I'm going to face your father. I've never lied to him, not about anything important... significant. I know I'll have to in order save our marriage, to-to keep the family together, but... but I don't know if I can do it, and it's not r-right, it's terribly wrong and... n-not fair to him at all."

Tom decided to say what he had been thinking since the beginning of their talk. "Mom? Why can't we just do like... like we did after Friday night, just... just have things go back to normal. I love you. I didn't want to hurt you in any way. I thought... I don't know what I thought, but I sort of believed Tuesday night would be good for you. I know how crazy and stupid it was to think that now, but... I'm not blind, I-I know Dad... I mean, you know, you two, it's... probably... maybe it's gotten stale or whatever. I-I really did want to make you feel good, make you-make you feel beautiful and-and hot, because you are. Mom... I love you so much, you're my mom, I'm your son. None of that has changed. Please, Mom, let's... can't we just leave it in the past, like... like you've kind of said about me and Marcia, remember? Except... except you and I... we'll still love each other like before, like a mother and son. Please, Mom... please."

Mara wiped her eyes again. She didn't know if that would ever be possible. She knew they hadn't really made love, what they had done was fuck. Or was some of it making love? Maybe some of it had been, but most of it had been lust, both Tommy's and her own. They had fucked. Could they ever just love each other as mother and son again?

She had never had a night like that before, not even Randy had thrilled her like that. How could they go back to the way things were before? She wished Tommy had never gone out last Friday night. None of this would have happened! She knew part of her was blaming Phil too, his disinterest, his obliviousness to her needs, yet she knew if anyone was blameless in this entire thing, it was her husband. It had been her decision to commit acts so depraved she got sick to her stomach now just contemplating the sin of it, yes, the incredible sin of it. And now her sin was making her cry and making her wonderful son maybe even more upset than herself.

She rationally knew she wasn't the only one at fault even though she felt like it. Tommy wasn't naive nor was he stupid. He had been so much like Randy in a way -- Just this, this is nothing, let me just do this. Had he said that though? She really wasn't sure now, but if he had, she knew at the time he didn't really mean just this and no more. Tommy was a guy, just like any guy when it came to sex, and she was just as willing as any slut to go along with it, knowing full well what was going on.

Yes, she had been a little drunk, some of the time with him she couldn't even remember, but without a doubt she knew, just as she had kept saying 'No' as she held his beautiful cock and stroked it, as she had sucked him, and fucked him with her mouth. She knew her 'no's' were nothing more than a backup rationalization for what she willingly did, that she could tell herself later that she had protested even though Tommy had never forced her to do anything. Yes, he obviously knew his way around girls, and she was as crazy as she had been during her slutty period in college. Her stomach tensed. Had she even said 'no' to him Tuesday night? Was she mixing it up with Friday night? She blinked. Yes, when he had first rubbed his cock on her pussy. She was sure she had at least said no to that, for all the good it did later.

She had willingly done everything, and it was she who said she wanted to make love with him later. She initiated it. That had been her decision even though she hadn't really given it much thought at the time. She had wanted him, needed him. Yes, it was making love, but it had mostly been lust, lust for both of them. Yet Tommy really did love her, and she really loved him. It wasn't the love, the romantic love, the marital love she had with Phil though. She knew that too.

She also knew she was the only responsible one. Tommy had been drunk both times. Her own inebriation on Tuesday night proved how that clouded thinking and morals and judgment. And it wasn't his fault he had a cock that she found so alluring. That's who to blame for all this, his stupid cock! For the first time in three days she almost smiled. Yes! Blame his stupid, beautiful, manly, wonderful cock! It wasn't the devil made me do it! His PENIS made me do it!

Mara exhaled. Maybe she was getting menopausal, or maybe she was just going insane, or... maybe she was afraid of getting old, of losing a part of her life that at one time had been so thrilling and fulfilling with Phil, with Phil even more so than Randy because there had been love with Phil. At least she was still on the pill. Soon she'd not be having periods and the pill wouldn't be necessary. At least in that way she was looking forward to menopause. Some of her friends were already going through it. No periods, yes, that would be nice.

Phil. Damn Phil. He was the love of her life, and they had been so wonderful together for so many years, then... what happened? Yet, no matter what the situation with him, how could she have done this to him? Cheated on him. And what about Tommy? She had cringed since waking Wednesday about how she might have ruined his life too. How could she have only thought about her needs, tipsy or not? How could any mother ever be that horny? That needy? How could she had done something so depraved? So perverted?

Mara took a slow deep breath, sighed, and wiped her eyes. "Oh, Tommy."

"Mom, I'll do anything... anything to make this up to you, and to get things back to what they were between us, and... and you and Dad. I feel so guilty about making you feel so bad. I'm so damn sorry I hurt you. I know you... you feel terribly guilty about Dad, well... so do I. I-I'll somehow make it up to him too." He hoped Mom couldn't tell he had sort of just lied. Yeah, he loved his dad, but he thought he was a total fool about Mom. How could he not be hooking up with her every single day?! The guy was a total idiot. If he was Dad, he'd never let Mom out of the bedroom. Jeezuz, she had even loved anal.

Mara glanced at her son's eyes, then looked at her hands twisting the tissues. She knew she loved Phil, but what she felt most guilty about regarding him, was not that she broke her marriage vows and cheated on him, let alone with their own son, her main guilt regarding him was that she thought she should feel more guilty, more remorseful about it. She probably would if it had been with some man, but it had been with Tommy. The very bottom line truth was she couldn't be more confused about everything, even about what to feel most guilty and regretful.

She felt terrible, remorseful and guilty beyond a doubt for the incest, intensely remorseful about that, but the cheating aspect? Yes, but not equally intensely. In a very odd way, a way that really didn't count, she had cheated on Phil with Phil. Half of Tommy was Phil. She knew that was ridiculous if not insane thinking, but in a very odd way, she had viewed it like that for a moment now and then over the past few days. She also knew Tommy was half her, but she didn't give that much thought. If it was about something else she might have smiled about her crazy, convoluted, rationalized thinking with that last thought. She had sex with herself a lot the past ten years. Yes, ridiculous to even consider, it was nothing more than quirky, insane thoughts.

She wiped her eyes again. She suddenly had an urge to tell Tommy the sex had been beyond wonderful, something she'd never forget, something she'd probably always want to experience again. Was that going to be the most difficult part of trying to get things back to normal? No, absolutely not the most difficult, but it was going to be difficult. Facing Phil, lying to Phil, carrying that lie and the knowledge she cheated on him and betrayed her vows; and how she had in a diferent way, cheated Tommy too by being a horrible, perverted mother. Those were going to be the absolute most difficult things. How could she ever atone for what she had done to Tommy and Phil, and the lie she would have to continue with Phil? If she could lie to him.

She frowned as she peripherally thought of Randy once again. Tommy was like him, he had turned her back into a slut. NO! She knew that wasn't true, certainly not about Tommy, and not about Randy either. She hadn't been some dumb naive girl when she met Randy, and Tommy hadn't taken advantage of her in the slightest. But now that she had experienced the thrill once more, how was she going to put it behind her again? All the cravings, all the desires? That fulfilling sense of being wild, crazy, and her weird desires, yes, even that little thread of 'submissive lite.' She didn't want think about that last thing, to even let her toe touch it let alone step into that psycho territory.

She blinked a couple times, then her stomach tensed with a brand new thought. Mara looked up into her son's eyes. "Tommy, I've... I've never... never cheated on your father. You don't th..."

He interrupted, "Mom, I know that. I've never thought that." He had wondered about Dad cheating on her though.

She stared into his eyes for a couple moments before looking down again. Tommy believed her. She relaxed. Guys were stupid sometimes. They thought if you did something with them, you must have done it a thousand other times. She had never cheated on Phil, that is, until this past week.

Tom spoke softly, "Do you think he's cheated on you? Has he?"

Mara's head jerked up. "Do... Do you? Do you know something I don't?" That was a thought that she had quite a few times the past five years.

"I..." He exhaled. "I don't know anything. It... ahh.... ah, nothing, Mom."

"What? Tell me." Did he know something?! Oh god! She'd be lost without Phil!

"I... I just don't get why he's... he's not with you in your bedroom all day long."

She had similar thoughts over the past five years. She relaxed. Tommy wasn't going to surprise her by saying he saw Phil with another woman. She gave her answer a moment of thought before speaking. "Tommy, I never really said we didn't have... I never said we didn't have a good sex life."

Tom exhaled. "I thought we were going to be honest in this discussion."

"I... I didn't lie. I just said I never said anything about it." She really didn't want to talk about her sex life with Phil. It seemed too much like another violation of her marriage vows.

"You said... so long, the other night."

"What?" At first Mara thought he was referring to length, then to goodbye.

"You said, 'It's been so long.' I thought that meant you hadn't, you know, made love in... in quite a while."

"I-I said that?" Tommy nodded. Mara took another slow breath. "It... we're older, Tommy, it's not like we're... teenagers."

"In other words, you really wish you guys hooked up a lot more."

Mara frowned and almost glared at her son.

"I'm right... right?"

Her glare faded. She looked down at the almost disintegrated tissue in her hand. Little bits of it were in her lap and the cushion. Her eyes teared up yet again. She nodded.

Tom felt his cock twitch and he hated himself for the automatic response. He wanted to tell her again how they could continue to hook up, help each other in that way, and no one would get hurt, but he was smart enough to know that would just upset Mom again, and it would be extremely foolish to believe, let alone verbalize. "Mom, I hope you know... I mean, if... if I was smarter guy, and maybe a little older, I'd... I'd pull him aside and tell him to... to freakin' wake up and-and see the beautiful treasure he had in you. I... It just... I don't know, it just pisses me off he's so... so..."

Mara half smiled at her hands. "Oblivious?"

"Yeah... that. Haven't you two... you know, talked?"

Once more, Mara almost smiled, both at the compliment her son just given her, but mostly because her eighteen year old son was giving her marriage advice, the funniest part, was that he was doing it fairly well. "I... yes, I've tried, but... well, I should have tried harder I guess. Phil is... I don't think he believes anything is wrong."

"Jeezuz, Mom, wake the guy up."

"Why do you think I started being disciplined about going to the health club? Yes, most of it was for me, so I'd feel better physically and psychologically, but... it was also for your father."

"The guy is blind and stupid."

Mara's eyes glared. "Tommy, never talk about your father like that. Never!" She could see the anger and frustration in his eyes and on his face.

"I wish... I wish you'd just see this from m..."

"Tommy, don't." She saw his frustration grow. Her anger dissipated. She knew she had to give him something and it should be the truth. Her voice softened, "Tommy? I'm only going to say this once, and do not interpret it as meaning I'm having any second thoughts about us never again doing what we did. All right?"

His brow pinched. He felt a little scared and wasn't sure why. "What... what is it?"

"You made me feel so good, made me feel feminine, beautiful, desired that night. It was horrible of me that I let it happen, but... that night... I needed that, you, what we did. It felt so wonderful, it... it now scares me a little. We can never do it again, it was terribly wrong, it couldn't have been more wrong, Tommy, but... I'll always remember that night with you." She didn't want to cry but her eyes welled to the brim. She suddenly regretted saying anything. Oh god... I just made another mistake!

Tommy's eyes filled too. He had to clear his throat before speaking, "Mom... I'll never forget it either. I... I loved making love to you. You... god, you were so beautiful, so... so incredible... every moment. But... I know it was wrong of me. I never want to hurt you again, in-in any way."

Mara's face was scrinching up. Tears were running down her face yet again. Her voice squeaked, "Give your mother a hug, Tommy." She was glad she at least hadn't told him the full truth, that it had been the most thrilling, hottest sex of her life.