Miracle Man

As I took that last look, as I paused there at the end of my driveway Sirens rent the air and a racing police cruiser almost slammed into me. The driver averted hitting me by the slimmest of margins and continued on.

I sat there in the truck and patted my belly that was only beginning to swell. "We got lucky," I said to my baby. "A few more inches and you might've been born in a hospital." My heart was still racing from the close call as I watched the lights of the police receding in the distance.

They were headed in the general direction of the church. Although I knew I was wrong for doing it, I hoped my all of my might that someone had done something terrible to Jimmy. He just fucking deserved it.

* * * * * *

The Reverend Jimmy Hubbard was in heaven. Not actually literally but he was as close to heaven as was possible on earth. Jimmy had his new mail secretary bent over his desk and was fucking her like there was no tomorrow. Sex with Terri was better than anything he could think of. She was the first woman out of the dozens that he'd been with that made him think about divorcing Rhonda.

Jimmy didn't understand why Rhonda had stopped having sex with him. He knew that for some women sex was only for procreation. And it was like as soon as he'd knocked her up she'd sewed the pussy shut. And it really went a long way towards proving that women could tell the instant they conceived. Before any doctor's test could prove that she was pregnant, Rhonda had started refusing to have relations with him. Of course, he hoped that they'd start again because there was just something about Rhonda that just got under his skin. Even now when they argued like two alley cats fighting over the same dead rat, he needed her. And it wasn't just that he needed her for his image. Rhonda was like air to him, he needed her to breathe.

Sex with her was different too, or at least he remembered it that way. It had been years since he'd been between her legs. Shit, Josh was six and he hadn't gotten any from Rhonda since before she was actually diagnosed. He'd been, of course, screwing other women then too, but that was only because he couldn't have Rhonda all the time.

As much as he loved her, Rhonda was very much a preacher's wife. She'd do anything he wanted at night in their bedroom, but she wasn't going to be bending over the desk in anyone's office. She was just not the freaky type.

Terri, on the other hand, had the tightest pussy he'd ever felt. Even at that moment he was struggling to move his dick in and out of her. He thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd met his match. Jimmy knew that he wasn't well endowed, but the tightness of Terri's vagina and the tiny high pitched little squeals she let out made him think that he was too big for her.

"Slow down, you're going to hurt me with that big old thing," squealed Terri. Jimmy started to smile but didn't have time as the door crashed open and Rhonda walked in. Even worse was the fact that she left the door open and all of the women in the outer office saw him with his pants down.

"Put that little thing away, Jimmy, we need to talk," said Rhonda in a very icy voice.

Both Jimmy and Terri were too shocked to move. "Terri get your ass out of here before I fire you right now," said Rhonda.

"Rhonda, Honey, it's not what you think," said Jimmy, babbling.

"So you weren't screwing Terri Lynn Seymour?" asked Rhonda. "

"Well there are just things you don't understand," said Jimmy. Everyone in the outer office was watching.

"Do you mean I don't understand that Terri's real name is actually Paula Sue Timmons and that she really isn't a college student? Or that she really never has been to college but she does have a criminal record for multiple cases of solicitation. She also has three kids by different fathers and a history of venereal diseases. Should I also point out that the main reason you think her pussy is so tight is because whenever you fuck her she keeps her legs closed and just squeezes them together. So your tiny little dick is fighting against her leg muscles not her vagina. Or are you thinking that I don't understand that you don't even know who you're fucking. I understand all of that shit Jimmy. I have four cameras in your office. What I don't understand is where my baby is."

Jimmy's face got paler instantly. He made the mistake of trying to walk over to Rhonda for clarification and forgot that his pants were still around his ankles he tripped, fell and hit his head against the edge of the desk. If there'd been any justice in the universe he'd have been killed but his skull was too thick for that.

"Get out of here, Terri or whatever you're calling yourself," said Rhonda. "Get your ass back out to your desk and try to figure out how to type. At least his last whore could actually do the job."

Rhonda walked back out into the office and grabbed the coffee pot. She stuck her finger in the coffee. It was warm but not scalding. She took the coffee pot into Jimmy's office and poured the contents over his head. The hot coffee instantly woke Jimmy up. He was sputtering and trying to wipe the coffee out of his eyes and there was an angry red area on his head that was swelling as Rhonda watched.

"Now that you've had your caffeine, where's my baby?" asked Rhonda. "Your dumb assed security gorilla was supposed to be watching him while I came in here to talk to you about a problem. I saw that you were engaged with the latest love of your life and decided to wait until later. I went back out to the car and not only was the car gone but your gorilla was lying in the driveway knocked out and smelling like someone had pissed on him. He has no idea where the car or my baby are."

"Call the Police," said Jimmy. "Someone has stolen my son." Jimmy ran out into the outer office and started yelling. None of the women or the security guards moved.

"What the hell are you staring at?" screamed Jimmy. He hadn't realized that in his shock he hadn't pulled his pants or underwear up.

"Nothing much," said Lucy. Jimmy reddened and pulled his pants up. He rushed back into the office and got onto the phone.

Rhonda noticed her cell phone buzzing. "I'm going outside to talk to the security guy again. You make sure the police are coming," she barked at Jimmy. "And try to do something to make yourself look less pitiful."

Rhonda stepped into the hallway and walked outside.

"How is he?" she said answering the phone.

"He's fine," said the voice from the cell phone. "We're going to the park later. I hope you don't mind but he's in a swimming class right now. Even though the hotel has a very shallow pool for the smaller kids I didn't want to let him in the pool without a few lessons. Plus blending in with the other kids makes him less noticeable."

"Oh my God," said Rhonda. "He's wanted to learn how to swim forever."

"He's suck a little con man," said the voice from the phone. "He got me to take him to get pizza for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese and beat me at video games."

"You played games with him?" asked Rhonda. "His supposed father never spends any time with him. He's always too busy banging his skank of the month. The police are on their way. I'll text you when they get here." Then she hung up the phone.

By the time she got back into Jimmy's office there were people running around everywhere. Everyone on the staff was trying to look busy. You could hear the sirens blaring in the background as the police arrived. Two uniformed officers walked into the office and asked what was going on.

Jimmy literally ran over to them and started practically crying as he told then that his son was gone, probably kidnapped. The officers radioed back to their precinct and asked for a detective.

"A detective will be here shortly sir," said one of the officers. "He'll probably decide to call in the FBI. Kidnappings are federal."

"Shouldn't you be doing something now," asked Jimmy. "Put out an Amber alert start searching the neighborhood. Do something God damn it."

"Aren't you the one who's supposed to be able to get God to damn things?" asked one of the cops. "I realize that this is a very traumatic situation sir but we're doing the best we can. We have to give the detective in charge of the case a few minutes to get here. He'll make all of the pertinent decisions."

"Have you gotten any ransom notes or phone calls?" asked the second officer.

"Nothing like that," said Jimmy.

"Is there the possibility that your schedules are off and you forgot that a family member was coming by to visit and take him somewhere?" asked the cop.

"Look flatfoot, what kind of moron do you think I am?" screamed Jimmy.

"I don't know sir," said the officer. "What kind of moron are you?"

"Whoever these people are, they probably think I'm rich or something," said Jimmy. "That's probably why they took him. Don't they know that I'm just a poor, struggling, country preacher? Most of this stuff belongs to the church."

The two cops just looked at him and shook their heads and prayed for the detective to get there.

A few moments later a man in a rumpled suit got out of a Toyota Prius. He walked over to the two uniformed officers and started talking. One of the uniforms introduced him to Jimmy.

"Reverend Hubbard this is Detective Peters, He'll be in charge of the case."

"What took you so long to get here?" spat Jimmy.

"Well I left at the same time these guys did," said Peters. "But my Prius isn't really designed for speed. It gets great gas mileage though."

"That helps a fuck of a lot," smirked Jimmy. As the detective started telling Jimmy about his decision to call in the FBI and issue an Amber alert, Rhonda walked over. Just as the detective was about to say hello to her, her phone rang."

She answered the phone and said yes a couple of times then she smiled and put the phone on speaker. "Hi Mommy, I'm having a great time," said Josh's voice, loud enough for all of the officers to hear. The joy and happiness in the boys voice was hard to mistake.

"I completely forgot," said Rhonda. "My brother was supposed to take Josh to the park with his kids."

The officers and the detective looked at each other with an "I told you so look."

Jimmy looked extremely relieved. He took a hold of Rhonda's hand and was so happy he was shaking it. "Sorry officers," he said. "No hard feelings, I was just distraught, but I'm sure you guys can understand that as a family man, my family comes first. I'm going to have to pray and ask God to give me the strength not to come unglued in stressful situations. We're all human. Only the good Lord in heaven is divine. Amen."

Rhonda never failed to be amazed by Jimmy's ability to depreciate himself and gain other people's respect by doing it. In only a few minutes, he'd convinced the cops that he was just a bumbling redneck preacher who'd made it to the big time and they loved him far more than they had when he was cursing them out. She was sure that they'd probably expect to be able to stop by and drink a beer and watch a NASCAR race with him sometime in the future.

Jimmy even walked them back to their cars while still holding her hand. She provided a few "Bless the lords," in the background.

As soon as the cops drove off she dropped Jimmy's hand like it was smeared in shit. She flung the offending body part away from her so fast that Jimmy's shoulder was almost dislocated. Then she turned to him with the sneer still on her face.

Jimmy shrank back in fear of the expression on her face.

"Let's get into the office dumb ass," she spat.

"Why, Honey," he asked. "It was just a scheduling goof up. Everything is fine." He puckered up and leaned over to her like he was going to kiss her. In Jimmy's mind their shared joy should bring them closer together and maybe he'd even get some. Plus he wanted her to forget about Terri.

Rhonda took one look at Jimmy's puckered lips and reared back and slapped the shit out of him.

"Why'd you do that Honey?" he sputtered.

"You're forgetting everything dumb ass," she said.

"Like what?" he asked rubbing his face.

"All of that bullshit you fed them," she said staring at him. "Muh fayumly comes furst," she said imitating his voice and delivery."

"The only person around here that cums is you," she sneered. "And only when you're porking some slut. And Jimmy, if you'd get your head out of your ass you'd remember one really big important fact."

"What's that?" he asked almost in terror of Rhonda's fury.

"I don't have a fucking brother," she snapped. Jimmy's eyes got huge.

"Buh hoo?" he asked. "Whuh?" shock had obviously over ridden his brain yet again.

"That was the kidnappers on the phone," she said. "They warned me to keep the cops out of it or else. They have some way of watching us. They're going to call back soon so we need to stay by the phone. If you fuck this up and they hurt my baby, more than your career will be over."

Just as she screamed into his face the phone rang. Rhonda answered the phone and her eyes got huge. She put the phone on speaker and the voice coming from it had obviously been distorted by one of those electronic voice manipulators.

"Jimmy, if you want your son back you have to do exactly what we say," said the voice.

"I'll do anything you want," screamed Jimmy. "He's my only son. He's the only hope I have of continuing the family name."

"Good," said the voice. "On this Sunday's TV show I want you to tell the audience that you had sex with a married woman in the office in your church. I want you to tell them that the pain of what you did caused her husband to kill himself."

"He did what?" asked Jimmy. "But that ain't my fault. All I did was...well she wanted it."

"Jimmy, I'll be watching your show on Sunday morning. If you confess, your son will be returned to you. If not he'll be returned to you," said the voice.

"Well, if I get him back either way, what difference does it make?" asked Jimmy.

"Because if you confess, we'll tell your wife where to come to pick him up," said the voice. "But if you don't, we'll send him back to you by Federal Express in a large number of small wet packages."

"But it would mean....Can't I just...." Began Jimmy. But all he heard was the dial tone.

"Jimmy, don't fuck this up," screamed Rhonda. "I always knew that all of those women you couldn't resist were going to be the end of us. But I thought that I'd get fed up and divorce your ass."

"You mean you knew?" asked Jimmy.

"Of course I knew," spat Rhonda. "Why do you think I stopped having sex with you?"

"But..." spat Jimmy.

"But nothing," said Rhonda. "Every con has to end sometime. We need to spend these last few days grabbing everything we can get. We'll probably have to do a Jim Baker and rebuild from a small church. We can come back even better next time. We'll use the, "I fell to temptation myself so I can show you how to avoid it angle." But first we need to get our baby back. Drag your ass into your office...no drag your ass home and write the best God Damned speech you ever have. Maybe you should try to find Heather and pay her to come on the show so you can beg her forgiveness on the air. That would go a long way towards getting the audience to forgive you."

"Oh yeah," said Jimmy. "By the time I'm done talking every eye in the place will be wet with tears. No one in the country will want them to fire me. They'll just want to give me a slap on the wrist. Maybe, I'll do some community service just to make it look good. I'll practice my extremely contrite face all the way until Sunday. I'll even start looking sad for the rest of my personal appearances this week. But we can't let anyone know that we're only doing this because they have Josh. Then it would all seem faked."

"Just make sure we get our baby back asshole," said Rhonda, as she stomped back inside the building.

As soon as Rhonda got back inside the building, she dialed a number on the cheap cell phone she'd bought just for communicating with her partner.

"He bought the whole thing," she said. "I don't care what you say. I'm giving you half of the money. That way you can have a good life. You deserve it more than anyone else does because you were the only innocent in this. And Josh and I really don't need that much. We need to learn to live on less. Did you notice how happy he sounded when you put him on the phone? He's like that because you're spending time with him, not because you're buying him stuff. Maybe after I'm free of this asshole I can meet someone who wants to be a father like a daddy and not a father like a priest."

Rhonda went into the office and got onto Jimmy's computer. She logged in with his password that she'd stolen with the camera mounted directly over his desk. She spent the afternoon making several transfers out of Jimmy's personal accounts, his church given expense accounts, the upkeep and maintenance accounts for the church and even the church discretionary spending accounts. She did the same thing every day over a period of several days. By the time Sunday rolled around, it looked like Jimmy had taken several million dollars from the church.

When Sunday rolled around, Jimmy delivered his tear filled confession and apology to the audience. The assembly in the church was stunned. Viewers worldwide who tuned in each week to hear the word of the Lord spoken in Jimmy's voice were gobsmacked. Jimmy gave a masterful performance which included him crying real tears, him rolling on the floor sobbing and Jimmy on his knees in front of the camera begging the world for forgiveness. Jimmy hadn't wanted to get on his knees in his four thousand dollar suit but the moment dictated it so he went with it. He had five of those suits anyway.

The only thing that hadn't gone according to plan was their inability to contact or locate Heather. But, all in all, it was great. She'd have probably just fucked it up and stole my thunder anyway thought Jimmy.

Just when he thought he gotten out of there with his skin and probably his career intact, with the audience crying and praying with him and not a single dry eye remaining in the house...it happened.

From somewhere near the stage where there wasn't supposed to be a microphone, Rhonda said in a very small voice, "I wonder why he didn't say anything about all the money he stole."

In that instant everything got quiet. Then the mass of people gathered in the studio audience rose as one. The studio audience was made up of thousands of the biggest donators to the church and the most loyal fans as well. They could forgive Jimmy for being human. They'd forgive infidelity because that really only hurt Jimmy's family. But they'd never forgive him for stealing their money.

Almost as one they launched themselves at Jimmy, literally tearing the clothes off of his back. Jimmy was forced to run out the back of the church and barely got into his car. His driver was having trouble because people kept throwing things at the car and trying to slam cars into his. Jimmy barely got into his house safely. Luckily he lived in a gated community and the crowd couldn't get past the armed guards but they remained outside the gates chanting, "Kill the weasel," until the police and the national guard arrived.

Rhonda, during all of the commotion at the church, had slipped out the back door while everyone was chasing Jimmy. She drove downtown to a movie theater where the new Dr. Seuss movie, "The Lorax," was playing. She bought a ticket for the noon showing and went in. When she came out nearly two hours later she was walking with a man. They each held onto one hand of her chattering son, Josh, who was still wearing his 3-D glasses. When Rhonda tried to get him to recycle them, he refused to give them up. "We already paid for them," he said. "That's why they charge us extra for the movie. I'm keeping them. In case we get a 3-D TV."