No Shit There I Was

"Are you regimental under that my lord?" she asked with a grin.

"I'll come by the party tonight and you can check me then." I kissed her nose." I've got to go get ready for court."

"You're going to court? I don't think I've ever heard you say that before." She tilted her head to the side.

"I use to, years ago, but today I have been summoned." I gave a shrug. "Probably someone wants to chastise me for my actions on site."

"What have you been doing and why didn't you invite me?" she asked grinning.

"I don't know just which one it might be they want to have me flogged for. Guess I'll find out in a bit. I've got to fly Miranda I've only got about an hour and a half to get ready and I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday."

"You're not tired Jak you're wearing yourself out. When you get done with court go get a good meal in you and try to get a nap under your eyes. And yes I would like to see you at the party tonight. It starts around seven." She kissed me hard then headed into the bathhouse and I made the long walk back to my tent.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

"Been a long time since I saw you getting all gusseted up for court."

I looked over at Kat. She was finishing up her plate of food. The ladies had, in my absence, gone and gotten us all a large meal. I somehow managed to eat and dress at the same time.

"He looks handsome." said Dawn. She sat behind me. My head was being pulled back from how tight she was braiding my hair. She had started with two small braids by my ears that had gotten me pigtail comments from Kat. These were now woven into the thick que running down my spine. When I moved a bit I heard the bells jingle. She had worked a string of little 'jingle' type bells into the braid. "They're all done."

I got to my feet with a sound like a wind chime following me. I could tell I would either come to love it or it would get on my nerves in a very bad way. Not sure which yet.

Going to my trunk I got out the carved wood box that holds my jewelry. Earrings, rings, ear clips. I picked through them till I found what I was looking for. A simple metal ring, that Kat had given me years ago. It was as close to an engagement ring as I had and it was my good luck piece. I hung it round my neck on its chain. I noticed then that I was turning my wedding band with my thumb. There was a reason I don't go to court and it had to do with Kat and I and our somewhat peculiar relationship.

I grabbed up my silver gray vambraces from the trunk and took them out to where Kat was sitting. Fishing out the stool, I sat down in front of her. She took them and laced them onto my forearms.

"You do look handsome Jak."

"Thank you, love," I told her softly.

"If he's there don't let him ..." she stopped.

"I know. I won't." Leaning in, I gave her a kiss. Standing up, I gave a little jump to settle everything. The bells rang softly. Turning, I caught Dawns outstretched hand. "I'll be back in a bit."

She nodded. She looked at me with a worried frown. As I walked away I heard her asking Kat what was going on.

"Well, remember those bad reactions he was talking about? Well, there was this one ..."

I thought back to that day as I walked.

Kat had been being Kathrin one weekend at a small event out in Georgia. The next one we're going to after Gulf Wars in fact. She had seduced a young lady of the court into bed for a night of fun. The ladies boyfriend was a bit miffed that he wasn't included and brought the matter up at court. In front of me.

I had been jokingly pleading Kathrin's innocence before a grinning court when this pretender to the word 'gentleman' had said: "How innocent can she be, the sluts sleeping with her brother."

It took four of the king's guard to pull me off the guy. I received a six-month banishment from all SCA events and it cost me my squire's belt. At the time, that had truly meant something to me.

Strange how things run. Years later I'm still a merchant and he's the baronial seneschal. But he's still an insufferable prick.

I stopped at the gate of the Kingdom encampment. The two guards asked me my business.

"I sell knives." I tilted my head to the side a bit pretending puzzlment. "And swords. Though they tend to be a bit expensive. Oh, you mean in the camp. I've been called to appear before his majesty."

One stayed at the gate the other led me through to the 'big' tent. Huge would be a better word for it. They hold church revivals in these things. I entered and joined the crowd. I saw several people I knew. I got a few friendly waves. Then I saw the seneschal. From the look on his face, he was the type to hold a grudge. And it's not like his nose was perfect. And the new teeth are a definite improvement and I'm sure the swelling in his testicles went down ... eventually.

I watched as their majesties handed out awards and scroll for various things. I long ago gave up on wallpapering the house in vellum. I was in fact bored, using eye contact and a smile to flirt with a lady of the court when my name was called.

"Would the merchant Jak o' the Blade approach the throne." It was a statement, not a question. I got to my feet.

There are two old saying I tried to live by when I was at court. They can only kill you once, and never walk when you can strut!

The seneschal stepped forward as I got about half way.

"Guard." Two of the men in the king's livery stepped forward barring my way with long pikes. "You have neither circlet on your head nor belt on your hips, merchant. You may not approach the royal pair armed."

I unclipped my dagger from my belt. One of the guards stepped forward towards me, but I turned towards a gray-haired senior lady sitting in the side aisle. Kneeling down, I offered it to her.

"My lady if you would, I would have you take this into your keeping. These are perilous times and there might be all manner of men of disputable character about who might assault you for your virtue."

She took the dagger, cackling. Her wrinkled face split into a grin. She may have been all of seventy.

I got up and started forward then stopped. I turned around and reaching to the small of my back took out a throwing blade from a sheath that was made as part of the belt. I handed this to her as well. I started forward then stopped and thought about it for a second. Nodding I walked towards the guards. They eyed me up and down then let me pass.

I stopped a couple of yards from their majesties. I gave a long deep bow first to the king then an even deeper one to his lady. She was trying to hide a smile behind her fan.

"Jak o' the Blade it has come to my attention." I turned from looking at her loveliness to his lordship. "That you did, in fact, plant a kiss upon my lady in the merchant's area. Knowing thou the affront to my royal self that would cause I would like an explanation from you for your actions!" The king was resting his chin on his thumb his elbow on the arm of his throne.

"So that's why I'm here." I thought to myself. Well, when in doubt be cocky. When you can't be cocky at least make them laugh.

"Oh no, your most noble sir. I'm afraid you have been most grievously misinformed as to what happened in the merchants on that fair day. You see I myself being, but a humble merchant, had in fact come upon that very day a bit of fruit. Now it was of such fine quality I thought perhaps to earn me a fair dime by selling it to your majesty kitchen. But then at very moment when the idea struck me what did I see, but our lovely queen. No doubt taking the air with some of her lesser staff to let them be aired out ... to prevent a tendency to mold."

Her majesty disappeared behind her fan and I saw her body shaking with suppressed laughter. The king was watching me with lips trying to twitch.

"Well a day, I decided to offer the good lady a piece of this fruit as a sample and small token of my undying affection that I hold your majesties in. To my absolute horror just as your lady placed the fruit to her lips I did bespy a fly land upon the fruit." I put a hand across my mouth and shook my head. "Well, not wishing to cause undue distress to her ladyship, nor embarrassment in so public a place with other of the crown wearing type about, I knew I could not simply tell her what had happened. I also knew there was no way I could put a finger into her mouth to attempt to remove this intruder before the horror of horrors should happen and she begin to chew. The effrontery of my common hands being in her mouth being totally unseemly behaviors."

I thought his majesty was going to turn purple if he didn't breathe soon.

"I stepped forward and gently placing my lips near ... but not actually upon hers. I did then attempt to remove the fly with my tongue. Having been told on various occasion that I am quite skilled in the use of my tongue "

The seneschal stepped forwards to display his complete lack of a sense of humor. "So you would have us expect to believe you had your tongue in the queen's mouth attempting to retrieve a fly? Seems a toadfish thing to make claim to. That is unless your claimed skill with your tongue is in lying to save your hide." He turned to the king "Your majesty I believe this commoner has in fact just confessed to laying hands upon her majesty after attempting poisoning of her by tainted fruit."

"Your majesty I doth protest that accusation." I took a half step to the side so I could still see the queen. She looked lovely blushing like that. "There was nothing tainted about the fruit I offer the queen. I would stake my life on the fact that I can at a glance recognize a tainted fruit." I was looking dead at the seneschal as I said the last.

He took a half step towards me but stopped when he saw me lift a finger and rubbed the side of my nose.

The king spoke.

"Jak o' the Blade it is our decision that you didn't mean harm by your actions, but that harm was in fact still caused. Your actions show a lack of good thinking upon your part that brought about embarrassment to my lady before her court. I will let her majesty decide your fate as it was her person your actions caused to suffer."

The queen took a sip from a cup handed to her by a young man standing nearby.

"Your actions being common, caused me embarrassment. But I believe thy actions could be noble. I understand you are a fighter. I deem your punishment to be you shall have to compete in the king's list tomorrow. If you place not within the final ten your actions are indeed common and thus an affront to my royal person. In which case I will leave your punishment for the seneschal to judge."

Their majesties nodded to the seneschal and he walked over to me. He went to take me by my arm, but I stopped him with a cold look of my eyes. I gave a final bow to the throne then turned and walked down the path towards the front gate.

"You better hope for your sake you can manage to do at least a good showing tomorrow. I'll have you banished from any and all Meriadias events if you can't."

As we reached the gate I turned on him. "You just better hope I don't win that tournament. This kingdom could use a new seneschal and a new person in charge of the royal chamber pot."

I stepped out the gate and headed down towards merchants. About half way there a young lady came running up to me.

"Wait, my lord!"

I turned to see blue eyes and blond hair in far too tight a bodice coming at me at a near run. "Yes, my lady?"

"My grandmother said you forgot these." She went to hand me my knives.

I took them.

"Tell your grandmother I thank her for their swift return of them. But they were not forgotten. I had planned to go get them from her and to properly thank so kind and beautiful a lady."

The girls smiled. "I'll tell her you said that."

I bowed to her and headed back to my tent.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Kat looked up from a sale as I came walking up, I saw Dawn across the street at another stall looking over several multi-colored scarves.

"Well, you haven't been dipped in tar and cover in feathers. That's always a good sign."

I shook my head and headed to the back. In a few I came back out a little more comfortable. I grabbed a bottle of mead and poured me a mug full.

"That doesn't look like good news," said Kat as she took forty dollars from a man in a bright green kilt. He walked away with his two shiny new daggers.

"Well, I don't know if the queen saved me or threw me under the beer wagon. I have to fight kings list tomorrow." I looked up and gave a wan smile to Dawn as she came back into the tent. She had a beautiful pair of scarves in hand. I saw that she was wearing a mixture of her garb and Kathrin's. "Going to do the dance of the seven veils for us?"

She giggled and blushed.

"In a way I guess. That girl, Miranda" she looked to Kat to make sure she had the name right. At Kathrin's nod, she continued. "She came by and we got to talking. She wants to teach me how to belly dance. She said I could borrow some of her garb if I would come dance with her tonight at a party."

"You move well enough," I told her with a grin. I love the color that comes to her face. "I should be there as well. I was invited anyway."

Kathrin turned around from talking with a customer.

"You're going to the Men without Pants Party? Did you even pack your kilt?" She took the twenty from the customer and handed her a five back. "Thank you, and remember it's very sharp."

"Yes, I have it," I said sipping my mead.

"You have a kilt?" asked Dawn

We both spoke at the same time.

Kathrin looked from one to the other then shook her head. "Yeah, he has a kilt. I bought it for him years ago, but I don't think he's worn it more than twice," she said with a frown.

"I can't help it. Every time I put it on all I can think about is running to hide in Canada."

Dawn looked at me strangely.

"Draft dodger" Kathrin explained. "So you don't care for the cold drafts up your ... skirt?"

"Yeah, that and all the kilt-checking was getting a bit annoying." I offered Dawn my mug. She took a sip and smiled making yummy sounds.

"Kilt checking?" she asked looking at Kat.

"Men in the army of Scotland were not supposed to wear anything under their kilts. It's called going regimental. There are ladies in the SCA who will check a man to see if he's regimental under his kilt. Most run a hand up under the back till they touch the guy's ass. Some go in the front."

Dawn laughed and looked at me. "And you objected to this?"

"Only that I wouldn't be allowed to check them back," I told her taking back my mug.

She sat back on my Viking chair and grinned at me. "So what will you be wearing under your kilt tonight my lord?" she asked doing a very good Irish accent.

I grinned back and leaning forward till I was right in her face I whispered. "Your lipstick."

Dawn turned a wonderful shade of scarlet. I looked at Kathrin. She was grinning.

"And what about my lipstick?" she asked looking shocked.

"Did you even pack a lipstick?"

She stopped and seemed to think about it. Then she shook her head.

"I'll just have to kiss Dawn and wear some of hers."

Again Dawn blushed. Then she pursed up her lips. "Oh, you two. Is all you ever think about is Sex?"

Kat and I looked at each other for a second then said in unison "Yes."

Laughing, I got up off my stool and started trying to barker sales.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

I adjusted the sporran on the front of my kilt. That's the little belt pouch placed to hide when the breeze caused the flag to fly. I looked at the black leather and gray tartan paneled kilt. I hung to just the right length.

"You need to get some sun on those white legs," said Kat when I stepped around the partition."

"Says the snow calling the marble white." I sat down in my chair being careful how I sat. I reached over and took Kathrin's hand; she smiled at me and squeezed back on my finger. What we both were feeling went unsaid.

Two more days then we would be parted till Fools war.

"Should be back by nine then you can go dancing."

Tonight was Midnight madness. All the merchants were supposed to keep their tents open till at least eleven. I know makes about as much sense to me too. Still we generally do well tonight. A lot of people who have had way too much to drink wandering around looking for something to buy as a souvenir of their week here.

Kathrin and I generally split the duty between us.

I sat back resting my eyes. I could hear the drummers of Rolling Thunder getting started. They were playing better since last night I noticed. Someone must have shown up and gotten them in better order. I sat listened to the distant rhythm.

"Jak, hun wake up."

I popped open my eyes and looked up at Kathrin. I saw it was dark and she had the lanterns on.

"Enjoy your nap?" she asked smiling. She leaned down and kissed me softly. "I almost didn't have the heart to wake you. You looked so peaceful. I knew you wouldn't want to miss the party, though."

Sitting up, I rubbed at my face and eyes.

"Thanks." Getting up I popped first my back then my neck. "God these chairs sleep good. Other than the fact my butts numb."

"Want me to wake it up for you," asked Kathrin all innocent looking.

"Not a chance." I got out of range of her hands. She grinned. "Love you hun, I'll be back."

She sat back into her chair.

"A likely story."

Carrying a bag with three bottles of my mead I headed down towards the Middle Eastern encampment again. I could hear the music going and the drummers were doing their best to keep up with Rolling Thunder just down the road.

I saw Dawn standing just outside the gate drinking a bottle of water. She was dressing in some of Miranda's gauzy split-up-the-sides pants, a coin belt, Kathrin's blue bodice, with a near see through sleeved top. She was hung with coin belts and belled like a gypsy. She smiled when she saw me walking up.

"You look good in a kilt my lord," she said in that Irish accent.

"And you look absolutely amazing in that."

She shook her head and looked down at herself.

"I look like I'm auditioning for I Dream of Genie." She took another long sip of water.

"How's the dancing lessons going?" I asked stepping up beside her. I leaned in and gave her a kiss. My hand catching her around her back. She kissed me back with a fierce passion.

"Not bad at all," she said as we parted.

"The kiss or the dancing?" I asked with a smile.

"Both," she said with a smile. "Come on, I'm rested."

I followed her to the gate. There was one older and one younger lady sitting on low chairs by the gate. As I stepped up they stopped me.

"You know the rules, my lord. No pants allowed." The older one gestured me over to her side of the gate. She ran a hand up the back of my knee across my thigh to the cheek of my ass. I swear she gave me a light pinch. "I think you might want to check this one as well, Lauren."

The younger girl reached over and ran a hand up my leg. I looked down at her when I felt her hand brush my cock.

"Well, do I win the blue ribbon?" I asked. She grinned and nodding she handed me a small token on a wristband. I took hold of Dawn's elbow through the thin sleeve and guided her to the table where drinks were being served. I handed the bartender the three bottles. "Very good mead."

"Oh, I know your mead Jak. One of these may make its way back to my tent if it doesn't all get drunk." He filled my cup with a fruit punch that turned out to be more 'punch' than fruit. There was defiantly some Everclear involved in its making. Whoo! I handed Dawn a cup full. She made a face and fanned her mouth after drinking it.

Looking at the dancers, I saw Miranda. She waved at me I nodded back. I leaned into Dawns ear. "Enjoying yourself?"

She looked up at me and smiled.

"Jak I'm having the time of my life. I haven't had this much fun in years."