Of Lust and Love

Fortunately, the work week was very busy and I barely found the time to reflect on the disaster with Tracy. That changed when I came home on Friday evening. Since I had finished University roughly two years ago, I had had one and a half girlfriends. The first, Francesca, I caught in bed fucking another guy. The second, the half-girlfriend, was way too kinky for my taste.

Apart from the 'coitus interruptus' with Tracy, it had been one and a half years since I last was with a woman and I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I didn't think I had outrageous demands. I wanted her to be smart, faithful, have a sense of humour, and it wouldn't hurt if she was pretty. To me, it wasn't very important how she looked because I had always believed that you should have a relationship with a person and not a body. If you just loved her body then what would you do when she got older? Her body would inevitably change and that wasn't even considering pregnancies. Her breasts would start to sag, she would get cellulitis, her body would change and then? If you loved her for her looks, you would become unhappy. If you loved her as a person, it wouldn't really matter. Just like bodies, personas also changed over time but the direction of this change would be influenced by each other.

I was brooding over this while I prepared and ate my dinner. Unsure whether it was a good idea, I decided to go and soak in the tub with a glass of wine. Not having anything to distract me might well put me in a sour mood, or rather in an even sourer mood than I already was in but a hot bath could also relieve the stress I felt. Why couldn't I meet a nice girl for a change? Someone like... like Sarah. I was absolutely sure that she would never cheat on her boyfriend. That just wasn't in her character. She was smart, loyal, and pretty in a girl-next-door-way.

Grinning, I remembered the time when I entered the office while she was looking for an old file which was stored in the lowest drawer of the filing cabinet in her office. She had bent over at the hip, her legs straight, and her bottom pushed out. It took all of my willpower not to walk over and give her buns the gentle pat they deserved but of course, that was absolutely out of question. I reminisced in the erotic view she had presented recently when she had asked me to check something on her screen. Her blouse was quite open and I had caught a nice view of her cleavage and an alluring red bra. And let's not forget the way she smelled. She used perfume very sparingly but the scent that infiltrated my nose, stemming from her hair, got me all distracted. It took me longer than appropriate to focus on what Sarah wanted me to check.

Finally, the bath was ready and I started to undress. While I removed my pants I realised that I had developed a boner thinking of my assistant. Startled, I understood that Sarah would be the perfect girlfriend-slash-wife material if only she didn't work for me. I couldn't possibly ask her out. There were just too many possible outcomes ranging from a lawsuit for sexual harassment to a slap in the face. All too many options led to her quitting her job or any other bad result and only few of them had a happy end. Still, I couldn't deny that I really cared for her and only thinking of her had got me hard but I would have to behave myself.

Just as I had my right foot in the water, the doorbell rang. God dammit. Couldn't those bloody bible bashers come at a different time? I dressed in my bathrobe, making sure my boner was hidden and covered. I was almost at the door when the bell rang again. That was untypical for sales agents. I checked through the spyhole and saw... Sarah.

Double-checking that I was decent, I unlocked the door and opened it.

"Hi, Sarah. Is something wrong? Do you need help with anything?"

The way I peeked around the door made it obvious that I wasn't really dressed and I heard her draw a sharp breath.

"Hi, Robert. Everything is ok, I just needed to talk to you about something."

Checking my decency once more I stepped aside and pulled the door open.

"Come in. I'll just go and put on some more clothes."

I saw a mischievous grin appear on Sarah's face.

"Not on my behalf."

I was too surprised by her flirtatious behaviour to find a reply to that, so I just stood there with my mouth open. It took what seemed to be an eternity to come to the idea that I should go on to my bedroom and change. Just as I turned around, Sarah called out.

"Robert, wait!"

I turned back and before I had a chance to ask what she wanted, she closed the distance between us, grabbed my head with both hands, and pulled me down. I was still stunned when her lips connected with mine but as her tongue started requesting entry into my mouth, I finally responded in kind. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, relishing the sensations of our kiss. Our tongues kept caressing each other, expressing a need that had built up for quite some time now. Despite them moving slowly, there was an intensity in the kiss I had never experienced before. When the kiss finally broke, she rested her head against me, and we remained motionless for more than a minute.

"Oh, Robert. I've dreamed of that kiss for almost two years."

I took me a moment to remember what had happened then.

"Two years? But we've only known each other for two years. You started working for me two years ago."

She embraced me and squeezed me with a strength I was surprised she was capable of.

"I fell in love with you the moment you insisted that I would become your assistant immediately and not after the testing period. You called me 'brilliant'. Nobody had called me anything even close to that before."

I knew she had to feel my hard-on pressing against her but she thwarted all attempts to change that.

"I was understating," I replied with a smile, giving up to try and hide my boner. It was obvious that she not only didn't mind but even wanted to feel it.

"It hurt so much when you dated that bitch Francesca."

So many things suddenly made sense when I regarded them with the knowledge I had just acquired in mind. Then I remembered something.

"But you arranged that date with the Phantom which was crucial in us hooking up. Why did you that if you were in love with me?"

Still not letting go of me, resting her head on my chest, she squeezed me even harder.

"I wanted you to be happy and I thought that Francesca was better suited for you than I was. She was stunningly beautiful, a woman of the world, high class. She was everything I'm not but wanted for you. When I learned that she was cheating on you, I made sure you found out quickly."

"You knew what I would find when I went to pick her up that Friday?"

She didn't reply to that but I could feel her stiffening at the tone of my question. It had sounded too reproachful. I wasn't angry with her. I was glad I found out before I had the chance to do something stupid like confusing lust and love. I calmed Sarah.

"Don't worry. She cheated on me. It's good I found out when I did."

We stood in my living room, Sarah squeezing me as hard as she could, me holding her back, and my cock still trying to find a way out of its confinement.

"So, where do we go from here?"

My question was serious. How do you continue after a woman confessed her love for you? I didn't think I could reply that I loved her as well but I couldn't deny that I cared deeply for her and that we were a great team.

"I'm right where I want to be. I don't need to go anywhere."

She enforced her statement by hugging me still a bit harder, rubbing her abdomen against my persistent erection, and cuddling her head into my chest.

I couldn't help but chuckle and then decided to take matters into my hands. I carefully but insistently manoeuvred her towards my couch. Once there, I let myself get heavier in her embrace until she couldn't hold onto me anymore and I fell into a sitting position. Half a second later, Sarah sat on my lap, her head again on my shoulder.

"You're right. That's even better than before."

I tried to get my brain around what was happening. How could I explain without hurting her that I couldn't reply to her confession in kind? I took a deep breath, still not sure what I was about to say, but Sarah silenced me with another kiss before I even started to talk. When our lips separated, she rose immediately and spoke before I had the chance to make an idiot out of me.

"I know you don't know what to say or do and please don't say anything you're not sure of. I'll leave you alone soon and on Monday I'll be back at my desk but I had to let you know how I feel because either I told you or I'd explode."

She turned to leave but I reached out and just got hold of her hand to spin her back to face me.

"Is that all you want? Tell me how you feel and a kiss?"

She chuckled and an expression appeared on her face that I couldn't interpret at the time. In hindsight, I suppose it was because she had shown that look so rarely in the past. Today, I know it was confidence.

"No, Robert. I want to marry you and bear your children. Two or three. But you need some time to come around. I'll see you on Monday."

Softly, she removed her hand from my hold and before I had recovered from her latest revelation, she was out the door again. By the time, my brain had caught up with the events of the last couple of minutes, she was long gone.

My goodness! What had just happened? First I fantasised about my assistant being the perfect girlfriend material and a few minutes later she shows up and confesses her love for me. Considering how shy she usually was it must have taken all the courage she could muster. I couldn't even start to imagine how she must have felt in front of my door, trying to find the guts to press the bell. Right now it was nine pm on Friday. If she didn't hear from me until I walked into the office on Monday morning, she'd be a nervous wreck by then. I'd have to either call or text her earlier to make sure she knew I wasn't angry or something.

What did I want? She was talking about marriage and children already. Maybe that was a bit rash. On the other hand, if she had been in love with me for two years she maybe wasn't precipitating. I had several friends who had been in a relationship for less than two years before they started talking about marriage and children.

Did I love Sarah? Sure, just not in a romantic way so far. I definitely cared a great deal for her and had simply not let my feeling go further than that because she was my employee. I'd go a great length to make sure she was happy and that was something that could easily grow if I allowed it to. Could I come to love Sarah the way she loved me? Quite certainly but I would have to learn more about her outside of the work setting. That was it! I remembered the evening with Francesca she had organised.

I quickly went to my computer and searched the event pages for a suitable play. It didn't take long to find one. The Beauty and the Beast. I was sure she'd love it. I called the theatre and was lucky to get hold of two tickets in a box. They weren't cheap but I wanted to make sure that Sarah understood my intention to romance and date her. I then reserved a table at one of my favourite restaurants. Not the same one where I had been with Francesca and Tracy but one that was on par regarding the quality and atmosphere.

Once all was set up, I sent a text to Sarah who must have arrived home by now.

'I'll pick you up tomorrow at 6 pm at your house. Dress up.'

It was no real surprise that the evening was a success. I had used Sarah's blueprint for a romantic evening, after all. Smart as she was, it didn't take Sarah long to understand what I was doing. The only thing that surprised and maybe even disappointed her was when I dropped her off at her home and didn't come in for a coffee but I wanted to do this the right way. I didn't want her to think later, I had exploited her feelings and just followed my dick. I wanted to be sure about my own emotions.

The disparity in our emotional status made it weird at first. She had already confessed her deep love for me while I was still trying to understand my feelings. Sure, just before her revelation I had come to the realisation that she would make a great girlfriend but flourishing relationships needed more than just the right circumstances and a successfully completed checklist. They needed love and respect.

How would I know if my emotions changed from the rather platonic, almost brotherly love I knew I felt to a romantic love? It's not as if I could measure it. Now, that would be great. Check on a scale and see that the love rating has moved from four to five. She is now a crush. The next time you check it's a six, a love interest... And all that with the knowledge that she was just waiting for me to make up my mind.

Because of this awkward starting situation, I decided to take it slow. For the second date, I took her to a classical concert, something I knew she enjoyed immensely, even though I didn't really care for it. But sit there, hold her hand, and watch her listen rapturously to the music was more than just worth the time.

For the third, I took her to a theme park. I failed miserably when I tried to win her a plush toy at the shooting gallery but she still graciously rewarded my effort with a kiss on the cheek and a lingering hug. Later, I forced her to face her fear of roller coasters and didn't relent until she joined me on one. The pumped young woman that insistently pulled me back to the waiting line as soon as we left the wagon was another adorable facet of Sarah I hadn't seen before. I liked it a lot.

The fourth and the fifth dates were picnics. We laughed a lot during the meals and greatly enjoyed our time together but there was always a bothersome expectation in the background. Sarah waited for me to make a decision and I was scared of the consequences. I would have preferred to invite her for a home cooked dinner for the fifth date but being at my place instead of neutral grounds would likely have led to sex. I argued with myself that I needed to be sure of my feelings before I took Sarah to bed to protect her. The loneliness I experienced in the evenings at home apparently wasn't enough for me to pull my head out of my ass and face the truth. Neither was the fact that I had stopped jerking off to porn but had started to masturbate in the shower, thinking of my lovely friend, imagining how she would look naked in the throes of passion. In hindsight, I maybe was a little gun-shy after the last two experiences. Or just plain stupid. I hope it was the first.

Then, after the second picnic, something happened that made it obvious even to me how I felt about Sarah. At the end of a workday, a young man came into the outer office where Sarah was sitting and was welcomed with a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. My pulse quickened, my entire circulatory system went into alert mode. Fortunately, Sarah came into my office arm in arm with the young man before I could do something stupid.

"Robert, you remember Clark? You met him at Mom's funeral. He's a nephew of Uncle Henry. He's in town for a couple of days and as we haven't met in a while he wanted to say hi."

It only took me a moment to fully understand what she had said; 'Uncle' Henry was the husband of her mother's sister. I had met him the day I visited Sarah after her mother's passing. We chatted a bit more before the two left to have dinner together but the relief that swept through my neural system when I learned that he wasn't a rival for Sarah's love prevented me from remembering much of what was said.

The intense jealousy and anger I had felt when Sarah embraced another man had shoved my feelings into my face and I finally realised I had been making a fool of myself. It had taken all my self-control to not storm out and challenge the supposed interloper to a fight. I had been so obsessed with being intellectually sure of my emotions that I had forgotten to listen to my heart. Sarah was all I wanted in a woman and more. She was intelligent, loyal, lovable, pretty, and even the thought of losing her to another man caused physical pain. Since I started dating her, she had even learned to be a bit more outspoken. I was sure that she would come to flourish even more if I kept showing her my appreciation. But for that, I needed to take the next step.

The next morning, I invited Sarah to my home for dinner on Saturday. I planned to go fully romantic. I spent Friday evening and most of Saturday sprucing up the apartment and preparing the food. I decorated the table with rose petals, lighted candles, and got out my best silverware.

I dressed in my finest non-working clothes. I didn't 'suit up' but the pants and shirt I used were aimed at showing Sarah how much she meant to me. But when I opened the door to welcome Sarah, I suddenly felt like a beggar. Sarah's dress told me without a doubt that she was done waiting for me to come around. She wore a loose one-piece-dress which did a really bad job hiding the fact that she wore neither a bra nor panties. I wondered how dense I had been if my cute and shy Sarah resorted to such drastic measures. Tonight, I would get laid, whether I was ready or not. When I finally gathered my senses, I invited her in.

She looked around my apartment and turned to me, a smile on her lips.

"Robert, you don't need to romance me. I'm already yours."

"Of course I have to. How else can I apologise for my thick-headedness? How else can I show how much I love you?"

Almost instantaneously, even before her hands had reached her face to cover her mouth in shock, tears started to run down Sarah's cheeks.

"What did you just say?"

I barely heard her but it wasn't the shy whispering of the first few days in my office.

"I love you, Sarah. And all it took for me to finally realise that, was seeing you in the arms of another man."

She giggled, despite the tears she still shed.

"Jealous of my cousin?"

I reached out, took her hand and pulled her close. I wrapped my arms around her and turned her sideways so she lost her balance and had to trust me to hold her. I leaned over her, announcing the impending kiss.

"Horribly so."

I pressed my lips on her, requesting entrance to her mouth with my tongue. I was barely aware of her arms wrapping themselves around my neck as she returned my kiss.

Epilogue

Roughly a year after Sarah's first confession, we married in a ridiculously corny ceremony but it didn't matter to me. My bride wanted a wanted a huge wedding with all the bells and whistles and that was what she got. I even insisted on being involved in the planning, the selection process, and the preparations. My Dad had once told me, men just have to be present at the wedding, do as they're told, and say yes at the right moment. Our responsibility starts when the honeymoon is over and the real marriage begins but I disagree, at least partially. A wedding isn't something to endure, it's a celebration of love to share with your wife.

While I disagree with the first part of my Dad's statement, I fully approve of the second. Today, as the entire family is celebrating Sarah's seventieth birthday, I pride myself of having taken that responsibility very seriously. I did all I could to provide the means for a good life, did my part in raising the kids, and most importantly, I told and showed her every day that I love her. Sure, we had our rough patches and occasional fights but they were few and far in between and we never forgot what's important. We have three wonderful children that have grown up in the house Sarah had inherited from her foster-mother, and eight grand-children we can spoil on a regular basis.

Considering how awkward I felt because of the imbalance at the beginning of our romantic relationship, I know I couldn't possibly love her more than I do.