Out of Gas

He pulled his new Accord in behind her car, turned off the engine, then took a couple of long, slow breaths. He pushed his door open, grabbed the flowers and the wiper blades, then laughed at the unlikely combination of gifts.

He got out, quietly closed the door, and walked up to the front porch. He took another deep breath, then rang the doorbell.

"Just a minute!" he heard her call.

Just the sound of her voice gave him even more confidence.

He heard footsteps, then heard the door open, and finally heard her say, "Anderson? Oh, my God! What...what are you doing here?"

She was looking back and forth between the flowers and his face, and she instinctively knew.

"Hi. And Happy New Year," he told her.

"You, too," she said as she opened the door widely and invited him in.

He stepped inside then after letting her shut the door said, "These are for you."

"I...I don't understand," she said even as she accepted the bouquet.

As before, he told her with a warm smile, "I think you do."

He watched her eyes as they went from the beautiful flowers to his own eyes, and he knew she understood why he was there.

"They're...beautiful, Anderson, but...I already told you I can't...we can't..."

"I know what you told me, Alisha. But you know I also don't believe what you said. And just now, when you tried to remind me of our last conversation, I know I'm right. You do have feelings for me, and I'm not leaving here until you agree to go out with me."

His heart was still beating fast, but Alisha's was pounding out of her chest. All of the feelings she'd felt for him that night came crashing back in on her even as the reasons why she said what she'd said did the same thing.

"Maybe we should sit down and talk," she suggested. "Let me just put these in some water."

He followed her to the kitchen where she asked if she could get him anything.

"No, thanks. Your time is all I really need."

He laughed then said, "Oh, these are for you, too. I'll put them on before I leave."

When she saw the wiper blades, that thoughtful gift meant more to her than the flowers. It confirmed what she already believed—that he really did care.

She set the flowers down and picked up the packet the wiper blades were in.

"You remembered."

"I remember everything about that night. Every word, ever smile...every kiss."

And just as she'd done so many times recently, she began tearing up. She turned quickly and tried to casually pick up a small towel from the counter, but Anderson knew.

Alisha blinked a few times, gently dabbed her eyes, then turned back around and did her best to smile as she returned to trimming stems.

As she worked, he spoke.

"As I said, I know you have feelings for me. So the only other reasons for you to tell me you don't are our ages or you're protecting your daughter's feelings. The age thing might be more of an issue for you than I think it is, but I'm guessing you're concerned about Caryn's feelings, and that's the reason you said you couldn't see me."

Alisha kept trimming and putting flowers in the crystal vase but didn't reply.

"So...is it?" Anderson asked.

Finally, she looked at him and spoke.

"Anderson, my daughter is many things, but above all, she's my daughter. And while I often feel like she doesn't really care about my feelings, I will always care about hers. When I got home after dropping you off, it kind of came up that you and I were going to get together again. I haven't seen my daughter react like that since high school."

"So you told her you wouldn't see me again."

"Yes. I didn't know what else to do."

He'd planned to tell her she needed to be the adult; to politely inform her daughter that she was going to see him and let the chips fall where they may. But seeing the way she looked and the way she said that, he couldn't.

"Okay, but am I right about you having feelings for me?" he asked as gently as he could.

"Of course. You're also right about our difference in age. Even if we do both have feelings, whatever that means, is there really any chance we might...well, I don't know...have a romantic relationship of some kind? Is that even realistic?"

Seeing his opportunity, he stood up, went around the island where he'd been sitting, and stood next to her.

"Alisha, we create our reality and our destiny. Sure, we can stand around and let life pass us by, but that's not living. We only have a finite amount of time on this earth, and when we find something or someone we like, someone who makes us happy, why wouldn't we 'go for it'? Why would we pass up the opportunity to do something to make that person or thing part of our reality?"

"Because they have a child whom they dearly love who's also a part of their reality?" she said as kindly as she could.

He realized this was becoming a losing battle and only had one card left to play.

Anderson asked her directly the most important question on his mind.

"Alisha, it's obvious I like you—a lot. You know I'm not much of a talker, but when it comes to someone important to me, I have to make my feelings known. I've done that more than once. It's clear to me you like me, too. But I can't compete, nor would I even try, with your children. They rightly have to come first. So with that understanding, I'd like to ask you directly if you'll go out with me."

That same sick feeling came back with a vengeance. This time, it felt like her heart was somehow actually hurting even though she knew that wasn't possible. It took all of the strength she could muster, but she did answer him.

"I do like you, Anderson. I really, honestly do. And were my daughter not involved I would so go out with you. Right now this very minute. But she is, and as you said, our children have to come first. And in spite of all of Caryn's many...challenges...I could never do this to her."

Her strength was gone and so was her resolve, and tears filled her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Anderson. I don't think I've ever met anyone I had the kind of feelings for that I have for you."

Her voice cracked as she finished her thought.

"If there was...any way...I could..."

His heart was 'hurting', too. He was torn between reaching out to hold her and just saying he understood. In the end, his heart won out and he did both as he put his arms around her and said, "I...understand."

He held her as she cried and continued to hold her until she was able to regain some semblance of control.

He slowly let her go then said, "I uh...I still want to put these on for you before I go."

He nodded to the wiper blades as Alisha wiped her eyes.

"No. I can't ask you to do that, Anderson."

He managed a smile then told her as he had once before, "You're not asking."

He picked them up, and Alisha followed him outside and watched him replace her old blades.

"All set," he told her a few minutes later.

"Thank you," she said, her eyes watery again.

"Hey, it was the least I could do for taking me all the way back up to Greenwater, right?"

She wiped her eyes again with the sleeve of her sweatshirt then said, "I like your new car."

"Oh, right. Yeah, I thought I should at least be able to get to work every day, you know," he said doing his best to stay positive.

"When do you start?" she asked.

"Day after tomorrow."

"I actually have to get ready to go to work myself, but I wish you all the best," she told him.

"Well, I won't keep you anymore," he told her.

She walked over to his car with him then said, "Goodbye, Anderson."

"Bye, Alisha."

He went to get in then stopped.

"If anything changes, will you at least let me know?" he asked, still trying to smile.

"I will," she told him. "I promise."

"Okay, then. I guess I'll uh...see you later."

"I'd like that," she managed to say before the tears began falling again.

She stood there and watched him leave and wondered if she'd just made the biggest mistake of her life. As he drove off, he waved to her, and she waved back unable to shake the feeling that she had.

*****

4th of July weekend that same year

"Honey, it's so good to have you home!" Alisha told her son who'd just arrived with his fiancé.

"It's good to be home, Mom," he told her as they hugged.

Bobby introduced her to his fiancé, Amanda Little, who, like him, had been assigned C17s. Transports was their last choice, but after having flown them, both of them were actually quite happy with their assignments.

He was going to the 7th Airlift Squadron at McChord Air Base which was only about an hour's drive away. Amanda would flying with the 4th Airlift Squadron, both of which were part of the 62nd Operations Group.

A December wedding was in their future, and Alisha couldn't be happier when Amanda asked both her and Caryn to help with the planning. That is, they couldn't have been happier until Amanda's very handsome, very well-grounded, younger brother, Aaron, flew in that weekend and found himself just as interested in Caryn as she was in him.

Alisha had never seen this side of her daughter before. It was as though she'd become this thoughtful, polite young woman overnight in an effort to make the right kind of impression on Aaron, who, like Bobby, was a very calm, easy-going, well-mannered young man.

By the time the weekend was over, Caryn told her mom, "I think I'm in love."

"Don't you think you should take things a little slower?" Alisha suggested.

"No, I'm not in any big hurry, Mom. I've just never met anyone like Aaron before."

"Well, I think the two of you would be very good for one another."

"Yeah, he makes me want to be the best person I can be, and no one's ever done that before."

Her mom didn't say, "I know" or anything even close. Instead she told her daughter how happy she was for her.

Caryn thanked her then said, "Now that I'm out of college, I think I want to fly to Aaron's and spend some time with him. In Toledo."

"It's fine by me, honey. You're a grown woman and can come and go as you please."

The most surprising thing of all came when Caryn hugged her mom and said, "You are the best mom in the whole world! I know I've been...a handful...but you always stood by me, and I love you so much for that."

Alisha felt her eyes welling up with tears and that reminded her of the last time they had. As their hug ended she asked her daughter a question.

"Caryn? Do you remember the guy you picked up by Greenwater that night? The one that was stranded on the side of the road?"

"Oh, yeah. The really hot guy who ran out of gas. Sure. Why?"

"Well, do you remember me saying he and I had a really good time talking with each other?"

Caryn gave her mom a look she'd never seen; one that said she was embarrassed.

"I do. I really pitched a hissy fit when you said you wanted to see him again, didn't I?"

"No, it was nothing," her mom said in spite of it having been anything but nothing.

"Did you maybe want to get together with him or something?" her daughter asked.

"Well, I thought I might see if he's still...available. If you don't mind."

"Why would I mind?" Caryn said with a smile. "When I'm in love?"

Both of them laughed and hugged, and Alisha felt like the weight of the world had just been lifted off her shoulders. Even if Anderson was seeing someone else or just no longer interested in her, she at least had hope; hope that her daughter was really, truly changing, and changing for the better.

Caryn told her mom she was going over to Megan's to let her know about her new 'love', and the moment her daughter quietly closed the door Alisha picked up her phone and began scrolling through her contacts until she found the number he'd called her from which belonged to his parents. When she did, a cascade of emotions swept through her from excitement to dread. What if he had found someone? What if they were somehow already engaged? What if he'd been so hurt from her rejection he'd never see her again?

And yet he'd asked her to let him know if things ever changed. They had, and no matter what his reaction might be, she had to tell him. She had to because in her heart of hearts she'd never known anyone like him, and if there was so much as a chance he might possibly still be interested, she had to know.

The last time her heart had pounded like this was when he kissed her. The phone rang and continued ringing until she heard a female voice say, "Hello?"

"Um, hi. I'm sorry to bother you. You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Anderson's."

"My husband?" she asked.

"No! Oh, my goodness. No. Your...son."

"Oh, okay. How may I help you?" she asked politely.

"I was wondering if you might have his number. I promised I'd call if, well, I...I just need to talk to him. If you wouldn't mind."

"I don't give out my son's number to people I don't know," she said just as politely.

"That's okay. I understand," Alisha said. "I gave him a ride home once last December, and he um...well, he and I enjoyed talking to each other and I..."

Anderson's mom now knew who this was.

"You're from Enumclaw, right?"

"Yes. How...how did you know that?"

"I saw my son kiss you that night," she said without judgment.

Feeling somewhere between embarrassed and sick to her stomach, all Alisha could say in reply was, "Oh."

"He never said anything about it, but he hasn't been the same since. I had the impression you might be quite a bit older than him, but if my son likes you then...I like you."

Too stunned to speak, Alisha sat and listened as this kindly woman gave her Anderson's phone number.

"I'd like to meet you sometime," she said.

"Um...yes. I...I'd like that," Alisha told her before thanking her.

"Well, take care," the other woman said without even asking her name. The phone went dead and Alisha sat there staring at the number she'd written down for well over a minute before she dialed it.

After she did, it ended up going to voicemail, and her heart that had been racing slowed. When she heard his voice telling callers what to do, it began racing again.

The beep almost caught her by surprise as she initially stuttered.

"Anderson? Hi. This is...Alisha. Myers. From Enumclaw."

She took a breath and told herself to calm down. He obviously knew where she lived.

"I uh, I was calling because I wanted to let you know that...things have changed. Here."

Again, she chided herself. Where else could she possibly mean?

"With Caryn and that situation."

For a third time she told herself, "Duh!" What other situation was there?"

"Sorry. You know all that. I guess I'm just a little nervous. Okay, a lot nervous. But you did ask me to let you know if things changed. I...I have no idea if you still have any interest in even talking to me let alone..."

"Alisha?" she heard, his voice scaring her half to death.

"Anderson?" she said, making that a fourth big 'duh'. Who else would it be?

"Yes. I'm on site. Working. I had my phone on vibrate because I'm in a meeting. I glanced down to see who was calling, and...my heart stopped. I made up an excuse to leave and picked up just as you were saying someone about being alone or leaving you alone or something like that."

Now it was her mind that was racing as she tried to make sense of that. Those must have been the only words he'd heard.

"You didn't hear my voicemail, did you?" she asked just to be sure.

"No. Just the last couple of words. Is everything okay?"

The concern in her voice allayed a lot of fears.

"Yes. At least I think so," she said.

"You think so?" he asked.

"Yes. I guess whether or not everything is okay depends on what you say."

"Say? To what?" he asked. There was no sense of frustration or irritation in his voice. He was just as kind and as concerned as always.

"Well, I was calling to tell you...things have changed. Here. With Caryn. And me."

She winced then nearly laughed when she realized she'd just put "all of her 'duhs' in a row".

"Really? How so?" he asked, his voice rising with interest.

Alisha told him about Bobby, his fiancé, getting assigned to McChord, and Caryn's new love interest in Toledo, Ohio.

"So does that mean you want to see me?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes. If you aren't hopelessly upset with me for the way I treated you and ran you off."

Before he could answer she added, "Or engaged or married or..."

His laugh made her smile even though it cut her off in the middle of her sentence.

"No. I'm not married. Or engaged. Or seeing anyone," he assured her.

"You're not?" she asked as hope surged through her.

"No. Not for any lack of interest on the part of a couple of women here at work, though. It's just that there's this one very special, very beautiful woman who helped me out one cold, rainy night last December. When I was stranded."

"Oh. I see," she said feeling even sillier than before.

"Yeah, I haven't been able to get her off my mind ever since."

"Not even after more than six months without her even letting you know she couldn't get you off of hers, either?"

"No. Not even after that," he told her.

"Wow. She must be a very lucky girl," Alisha said quietly loving being able to use the word 'girl' to describe herself with him.

"Very," Anderson told her. "And beautiful."

"If...if that girl is me, then I am a very lucky girl."

"No, if you're still interested, then I'm the lucky one."

"Maybe we're both lucky," she said very sweetly.

"Yeah. Maybe we are," he said in a way that made her feel wonderful.

There was a brief pause before he said, "I really have to get back into this meeting, but I'd like to see you. Soon."

"I'd like that, too," she told him, her heart so full it felt like it might burst.

"I'll call you later this evening, okay?"

"I'm working tonight, but I have a rare evening off tomorrow. So, yes. Please. Call me. Even if I can't pick up, call me. Anytime."

"Alisha? I'm so glad things have changed."

"Me, too," she told him. "Um...enjoy your meeting?"

Anderson laughed then said, "It's worse than watching paint dry, but now that I know I can see you again, I'll enjoy...everything."

Alisha laughed nervously but happily before saying, "Okay. Well...bye then."

"Bye, Alisha."

Anderson did call and left a short voicemail that night that reiterated how happy he was things had changed and how much he was looking forward to seeing her again. It was a little after 2am when she heard it, but she couldn't stop smiling as she listened to it several times.

After listening to it for the third time, she lay there exhausted but unable to sleep as he mind whirled with thoughts. Most of them were pleasant but occasionally marred by one that kept telling her this still couldn't possibly work out. Sure, they might get together. They would almost certainly go out. They might even...make love...something she hadn't done in so long her body ached to be loved. But beyond that? It seemed so unlikely. In fact, it seemed virtually impossible. And yet whenever she was able to let her brain relax and allow her heart to take over, she dared to dream, and the dream she dreamt was the most beautiful, wonderful thing she'd ever imagined.

Anderson called around 6pm the next day, and asked if he could come over around 8 o'clock. Caryn not only wasn't upset when her mom let her know 'that guy who was stranded' was coming over, she told her mom she was happy for her and that she was going to spend the night at Megan's.

"You know, just in case," she'd told her mom with that devious smile of hers.

Alisha thought she might die or at least blush as she stammered and tried to 'set her daughter straight'.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Alisha said in an overly defensive tone. "We're just friends. It's just a glass of wine and talking."

"Uh-huh. Sure it is. Keep telling yourself that, Mom," Caryn said, still smiling and loving watching her mom squirm. "Your generation would say you've been carrying a torch for him since that night."