Peace of Mind

"Landon is a decorated vet. Purple heart," explained Jonas. "He's working in the museum and writing a short history of Middletown."

Landon wondered how Jonas knew about the Purple Heart.

The mayor nodded. "Grace McAllister informed me about the job. I must say she's really impressed with your work so far, Landon."

"Thank you, Mr. Mayor."

"Hey, I'm just Simon here."

"So any progress contacting Marcus Carter?" Jonas asked Landon while he dealt cards.

"I haven't tried it yet. I want to know more about Middletown's history first," Landon replied. "It will give me a better idea of what questions I have to ask him."

"John, your son is leasing the restaurant building from Marcus. Maybe he could speak with old man Carter in Landon's favor?" Jonas suggested.

"Not if he keeps winning like this," John Harding joked. They all laughed. "Seriously, I don't think Marcus would like it if I speak on Landon's behalf."

"He's a stubborn old man, that's for sure," said Bill Anderson dropping two brown candies on the table. "I call and raise two hundred."

"You can never be sure how Marcus Carter is going to react," agreed the mayor.

"He's a better person than Maximilian was," commented John Harding. "Maximilian could be a conniving bully. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Middletown is a better place since he died."

"I agree. Marcus is very different from his brother, that's for sure. He startled everyone when he resigned his seat at the Town Council when his brother died. He has become a hermit since then," the mayor said. He took a long swallow of beer and helped himself to the chips and dip.

"A beer, Landon?" asked Bill Anderson.

Landon shook his head.

"Army, navy, or air force?"John asked Landon changing the subject.

"Army," he replied.

"Bad stuff?" asked the mayor.

Landon nodded.

"Hey, don't push the newbie," Jonas warned the group.

"I was not prying, Jonas," the mayor said. "Listen, Landon, if you need to talk, you're not going to get a more sympathetic audience than us. Jonas fought in the Iran-Iraq war in the eighties and I saw some action in the Iraq war in 2003."

"I still have flashbacks. There was a time when people in Middletown thought I was going to go all Rambo and torch the town down," Jonas said with a laugh.

They all laughed.

"It's true," said the mayor.

"Thank you, I'll keep it in mind. Has anyone seen Fergus Carter's journals?" Landon asked changing the subject.

Bill Anderson shook her head. "His niece, Nadine bragged about having seen the journals."

"I asked Molly about them once, she was very non-committal. She never had a good relationship with her father," John Harding added.

"Maybe there's something in them that he doesn't want someone to see," Landon surmised.

"After a hundred and fifty years?" Jonas opined.

"Or maybe they don't even exist," Bill Anderson added.

"That could be true, too," The mayor admitted. "However, Marcus has never denied their existence."

They played for another hour. Landon won more than he lost, and his bowl of M&M's was heavier when they quit. They all stopped to tell him how happy they were another poker player joined them, and if he needed anything to call one of them. Landon could tell they truly mean it. He got everyone's phone number before leaving.

"Team Landon keeps growing," he said to Scout as he walked back to the cabin.

CHAPTER 19

He had done it! He had played poker with a group of strangers without breaking down. He had stayed in the present. He hadn't had a blackout or a flashback. Dr. Michaels would be proud of him.

"Landon?"

He looked up and met Grace's gaze. He didn't hear her coming. He winked at her.

Pleasure spread through her.

"I heard about your poker game. The mayor wasn't talking about anything else but you today."

Landon nodded. "They were all very kind to me. I enjoyed it."

"You're one gutsy man," she said. Then she opened the car's door. Scout jumped in and moved to the passenger's seat and then Landon slid inside.

Landon closed the car door as he settled into the seat. Grace started the car and drove off.

He looked more relaxed than the last time. Their gazes met and suddenly her heart beat a little faster. Warmth flashed in her expression.

No! How could she feel like that? Landon wasn't ready for any kind of relationship. Neither was she. But even so, Landon wouldn't leave her thoughts.

***

Landon talked with Dr. Michaels for more than an hour while Grace played with Scout outside.

Then, when he came out, Grace walked into the office. Dr. Michaels didn't seem surprised to see her. Her name had probably come out more than once during Landon's sessions.

They sat in opposite chairs and Dr. Michaels invited Grace to talk with a gesture of his hand, "What can I do for you, Ms. McAllister?"

"For a starter, you can call me Grace," she asked. "I wanted to talk with you, Doctor, because I want to help Landon."

"That's good. Landon needs all the help he can get. Go on."

"I know he is a soldier and he has gone through a lot. He explained to me he suffers from Post-traumatic Stress."

Dr. Michaels nodded.

"I want to know what I can do for him."

"He told me about 'team Landon'." The psychologist smiled. "A great idea. Now he knows he's not alone."

Grace smiled wide.

"A married couple, friends of mine, went through a rough patch and they went to see a therapist. He told them they were all a team working together to save their relationship. So I thought that knowing that he had a support network would help him. The word team holds a special meaning for him," Grace explained. "Landon needs people in his corner. People he can count on if he needs help."

Dr. Michaels looked at Grace for a while, studying her, finally, he said, "This is not something you can start and then quit. It needs a true commitment. Landon needs to know that you're with him for the long haul."

Grace straightened up in her chair. "I understand, Doctor. Believe me, I am. I want to be the one person who doesn't abandon him," Grace said remembering the article about his fiancée.

"You need to know what you're getting into and that you've got what it takes. This will unfortunately include being the target of anger you do not deserve. Sometimes you may be faced with a scared man, rocking and hugging his knees in the closet. Can you handle it?"

Could she handle it? She had handled his brother's depression when his wife died. She had handled her parents' death when she was a teen. She had handled being bullied at school. Landon needed her, she would not back down.

Grace had nothing but determination when she said, "Yes, I can."

Dr. Michaels held her gaze and he liked what he saw.

"Although Landon suffers one of the most challenging disorders, it doesn't mean he can't recover from his symptoms. He's getting better since the first time I saw him. His prognosis is really good. He can live a normal life with PTSD."

Grace smiled. "Can you give me any pointers?"

"Be patient. Be empathetic. Be understanding. Listen without expectations or judgments. Make it clear that you're interested and that you care. Don't worry about giving advice. It's the act of listening attentively that is helpful, not what you say."

"People say I talk too much. It'll be a good exercise to listen."

Dr. Michaels smiled at Grace. He liked her.

"Do normal things with Landon. For example, he told me you cooked for him. You can set a regular dinner date once or twice a week. Creating routines can restore a sense of stability and security."

"He's not very good keeping his eating hours. He skips lunch most of the time," Grace added.

"Don't pressure Landon to do things, but if you can drop in at noon and bring some food with you, then he'll realize he can count on you."

"I can do that. I have flexible working hours. There was another thing I wanted to ask you. It's about his flashbacks. He had one when I was with him. It was scary, I didn't know what to do."

Dr. Michaels moved his lower lip back and forth thinking, "Every person with PTSD is different, they have different triggers, and react to them differently.

"You need to learn what things you can do to help Landon feel safe at that moment. For some people, it's a hug. For others, it's watching a funny movie. For others, it's a bowl of ice cream or going out for a walk."

"Can I ask him about this?"

"Sure, ask Landon about things that help, as well as things that don't. Having a joint plan in place will make the situation less scary for both of you. You'll also be in a much better position to help."

Dr. Michael stood up and searched through his huge bookcase. "I have a book that can help you."

He handed Grace a slim book called 'Loving someone with PTSD.' "It's a very interesting read and useful for basics. It will help you in your quest."

"Doctor, I just want to help Landon because I'm his friend. I'm not in love with him," Grace said without conviction.

Dr. Michaels smiled at Grace and patted her arm. "Don't worry. It'll be our secret."

CHAPTER 20

In the next weeks, Landon and Grace settled into a routine. She came every morning to the cabin to drive Landon to the museum. Three evenings a week she cooked for him. On Saturdays, they went exploring the mountain trails and Grace showed Landon some of the wonderful natural landscapes Middletown had to offer. She also took turns with Derek to drive Landon to Seattle every other Friday.

She started kissing his cheek each time they parted.

The mayor invited Landon to have dinner with him and his wife every other week. Derek and Bella did the same. None of them put pressure on Landon to accept, but he found himself enjoying those moments. Grace was always his plus one. She was the rock he leaned on if things got hard.

Landon also played poker on Thursday evenings. Derek joined the group. Very slowly, he shared bits and pieces of his story with his newfound friends. They listened to him without judging him or offering him empty words of support. Most importantly, no one pitied him. There was a lot of laughter. Even the silences were comfortable.

Landon realized that shared pain was easier to handle, and also that sharing with the right people was a source of strength and life experience.

His friends supported him to an extent that surprised him.

He still had flashbacks, but he was learning to handle them. One night, he had an especially bad one and he got to call Grace. She was with him on the phone for one hour while he lay curled on the floor. Scout was laying at his side licking his hand, while Grace talked to Landon, guiding him to breathe and relax, reminding him that those images were not real, that he was safe and loved.

A knock at the door took Landon out of his thoughts. He stopped writing in his journal and opened the door and let Grace in.

"Good evening, I hope you're hungry. I'm making lasagna tonight," Grace said showing Landon the paper bags in her arms. "I finally convinced Tony to share his recipe with me. I'm not sure he gave me all the ingredients though."

"Come on in," he said with a shy smile. "Lasagna sounds just perfect."

Landon shook his head, he usually didn't feel like eating. He could skip a meal without even realizing he had till his stomach growled. But lately his hunger was coming back.

"I'm glad you came. It can get lonely in this cabin."

"I thought you liked it that way," Grace said taking out things from her bag and placing them on the table.

"Don't rub it in," Landon replied with a grin. "I've been doing some progress in my investigation. I think the text about Middletown's history is looking good. You can read it on my laptop," Landon said pointing at his computer. It was his way to divert his thoughts from her face. It was much too attractive.

Grace sat down and read a few paragraphs on the screen. "This is really good. Great actually. You really got into this job."

"I've always liked history. It was my favorite class," he said. "The other day, Scout and I went down to the lake. Do you think it was the lake that brought and kept Fergus Carter here?"

Grace shrugged. "I don't know what was in his mind. It could have been the lake. The land east of here is, or was, all dry. The lake was a draw to every wagon train and wanderer that came this way. It was a perfect place to build a town."

"No one knows anything about Middletown founding and first years, which is why the journals are so important. I need to talk with Marcus Carter about them."

Landon was intellectually seducing her, and Grace realized she was enjoying it.

"You're writing a book about his ancestor. He certainly would want his family portrayed under a good light."

"Just a short history of Middletown," Landon corrected her. "Not a book." He bit his lip.

"Noted. However, I have to say you're doing an incredible job so far."

"Thank you. Guys at the poker game mentioned another Carter brother," Landon brow frowned while he tried to remember, "Maximilian."

Grace nodded.

"Maximilian headed the city council and pretty much controlled the town for years. Nothing happened without his approval. Many people think his early death was a blessing for our town.

"Something happened between the Carter brothers that drew them apart. They had a huge fight when they were young. They never talked to each other again. Marcus was out of town for a long time. I think he lived in Portland. He only returned a short time before Maximilian's death. He died of cancer."

Scout barked and Grace looked at the clock and stood up. "I better start cooking or we'll have lasagna for breakfast instead of dinner."

CHAPTER 21

Grace realized how lonely her house was when she returned home. She missed having someone to share her life with.

Maybe this was the reason why she had dated one loser after another, to fill a void in her life.

First, Laura and Percy got married. Then her brother Steve and Diana. Even Georgina, the Gym teacher, had gotten herself a boyfriend. Everyone seemed to be getting on with life, except for her. She had basically been a nun since her last break-up.

Landon wasn't like any other man she had met before. He might look fragile, but he sure as hell wasn't. She tried to convince herself that she was only concerned for his well-being. But she knew that wasn't true. She cared for him. She cared much more than she'd ever thought she could again.

The next day, Diana asked her about Landon.

"What is Landon like?"

"He's nice."

"Nice? That doesn't tell me much. Come on, Grace, you used to say more when you talked about a man you met on a bus."

"I like him," she added.

"You like everyone."

"Well, then, there you go."

"Grace!" Diana exclaimed.

"You have already met him. You can make your own opinion about Landon," she said.

"You know that's not what I'm asking."

Grace didn't know what to say without getting too personal, and tell her how much she wanted to be there for him. Diana probably would understand everything that was wrong. Or right.

"He is writing a short history of Middletown. He's doing an amazing job."

"He's smart, then."

"Yes, I think he is."

"You should invite him to have dinner with us again. After all, he is the man who has stolen your heart."

"It's not like that."

"Then how is it like?"

"Complicated. I usually wouldn't mind if you ask me about this, but this is a special situation. I hope you understand."

Diana, of course, had heard rumors about Landon around town, but they were unusually vague. When she asked Derek, he told her the same thing as Grace did.

"Of course, I do understand. I'll just say you look happier than ever. I'm happy for you."

CHAPTER 22

"You look a thousand miles away," Grace said to Landon. "Should I ask what you're thinking about?"

"Fergus Carter," he said. A half-truth.

When they reached the lookout, Landon glanced down at the town below. He wondered whether Fergus had viewed the valley below from this point. He was still an enigma to him.

Grace put the box on the picnic blanket. It was loaded with food. She took out two paper plates and cups.

"I didn't know what kind of sandwich you like, so I got two ham and cheese and two roast beef. There's lemonade in the flask."

"I'll take a roast beef one," he said, "and lemonade sounds perfect."

When Landon turned his gaze back to Grace, she was looking him in that special way that made him feel warm. Then guilt struck him like a sword. How could he even think of being with a woman in his condition? He could not put himself in the position of being rejected again. The food suddenly felt like cotton in his mouth and his throat closed.

No. No. No. Not now.

Scout whined next to him and put a paw on his knee. He fought the flashback. He willed himself to breathe until it came naturally again. Landon looked up and met Grace's concerned expression. He took another deep breath. "I think I'm handling it," he said.

He leaned down and put two hands on Scout's head, just touching him.

"Do you need a hug?" she offered softly. Grace reached out and touched his hand. He was surprised at how comforting it felt. Human contact.

"Yes," he said. "They always help."

Grace wrapped her arms around Landon. She held him to her heart. Her voice cut through his flashback. "It's okay, it's not real. You can beat it."

Grace rocked Landon back and forth with small, gentle movements. Finally, Landon started to relax.

"I'm fine." He raised his head, giving Grace a small, tight smile. "I'm just a little disoriented and a lot embarrassed. I'm sorry," he said softly, hands dangling between his knees.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Thank you for bringing me here," he said. "But I'd rather go back to the cabin."

"You're very welcome," Grace gathered up the remainders from lunch and packed them in the box.

Since it was still early, Landon asked Grace to drive him to the community center.

"Come on, Scout," he said and walked up to meet Jonas. "Hello, Jonas."

"Hello, Landon, Welcome back. How's the research going?"

"I'm not sure," he said. "I've reached a dead end about Middletown's first years."

He saw curiosity in Jonas' eyes but he didn't ask any questions.

Landon changed the subject. "Do you have a picture or painting or sketch of Fergus Carter?"

Jonas rubbed his chin, trying to jump-start his memory.

"I remember seeing a sketch that an artist did for the newspaper, I think. You don't forget something like that. Legend is they wanted a photograph but Fergus refused. An artist did a quick sketch when Fergus met with the governor. He'd been a strong supporter of the statehood movement and I suspect he planned to collect on it. Not money but protection of his town."

Another tidbit Landon filed in his head. As soon as here turned to the cabin he intended to look up the conflict over statehood.

Jonas led the way upstairs opened the museum door and stood aside as Landon entered, then he went to one of the cabinets, unlocked it, and took out a faded newspaper page carefully encased in plastic. A sketch was in the lower left-hand corner.

Landon studied it. The artist was good. He'd captured the directness of eyes that seemed to stare at him. Fergus Carter was clean-shaven, and a scar running down his right cheek could be seen. Even with the scar, or maybe because of it, the face was arresting. Not handsome but strong.

"Interesting," he said taking several photos with his phone.

"There's more bound volumes. Take your pick. You can take those to the cabin with you instead of snapping pictures."

Landon nodded. "Thanks."

Jonas left the door open when he went downstairs. Landon leafed through the volumes, looking for the oldest ones.