Reclaiming His Balls Pt. 01

Part 1 of 9

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A few months ago I subscribed to a new streaming channel. It offered episodes of a very popular show that won a lot of awards, attracted a big audience, and got great reviews. I decided to watch a few episodes, and saw that it was just as good as everyone said. I binge-watched all three seasons.

In one episode something startling happened. The likable lead character learned that his ex-wife was dating their former marriage counselor. During therapy sessions, the husband believed his wife and their counselor were ganging up on him. The fact that they were now a couple seemed to confirm that the therapist undermined the marriage because he was attracted to the wife.

That gave me the idea for the story that follows, which is very different in most other ways. Can you guess what show I'm talking about? I left several clues that would be obvious to anyone who saw it. If you can guess, leave a comment at the end.

In part one of this nine-part series, a husband finds a unique way to respond when he discovers his wife is having an affair with their marriage counselor.

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"When are you going to get rid of this awful car?" Michelle asked. "It's embarrassing to ride down the street in such an awful piece of shit. If you had any pride, you'd buy something nicer. You wouldn't want your wife to be seen in such a wreck."

"It's reliable, it looks fine, and it's paid for," Ted said. He wasn't sure why he even responded to his wife's bitching. It never helped. She'd always complained that the 9-year-old Toyota he drove wasn't fancy enough. Nothing he said ever shut her mouth.

She drove a new Cadillac Escalade, and she wanted him to buy something similar. Michelle was such a spendthrift that she'd done permanent damage to the family's financial situation, but she took no responsibility for her actions. There was no end to her demand for increasingly expensive luxuries.

Ted took comfort in the fact that his wife's demands were about to end. Starting today, Ted would no longer tolerate the constant whining, the unreasonable criticisms, and the daily insults that had destroyed his respect for Michelle as a woman. He'd endured his wife's abuse for years, but that was about to stop.

He parked outside the building where their marriage counselor worked. Dr. Jacob Brianson was part of a partnership with six other therapists, and Michelle started seeing him more than a year ago. When he suggested the couple go into marriage counseling, Ted believed they needed to find a different therapist who wouldn't be influenced by what was discussed in previous sessions with Michelle. But she said she had faith in Dr. Brianson, arguing that he already knew a lot about the issues that plagued their marriage.

Ted reluctantly went along with Michelle's demands, and he soon regretted it. Their sessions became opportunities for Michelle and Dr. Brianson to gang up on him, criticizing every choice he made and trying to make him think he was crazy to disagree with anything they said. Ted began to suspect that there was something inappropriate about his wife's relationship with their therapist, but he had no proof.

Until now.

"I think today would be a good time to discuss Michelle's concerns about the way you are raising your son," Dr. Brianson said. Michelle claimed Ted wasn't a good enough role model for their son Henry, and Ted knew the duo expected to spend the next hour examining Ted's so-called shortcomings under a microscope.

Ted had other plans.

"I want to talk about something a lot more important than that," he said. "Dr. Brianson, you have spent months attacking and undermining me because you and Michelle are having an affair. This stops today."

Michelle rolled her eyes and snorted. "Do you see what I have to put up with?" she asked Dr. Brianson. "I hear crap like this every single day. I'm not married to a man. I'm married to a cowardly little wimp who is afraid of his shadow."

The therapist turned toward Ted and smiled. "Ted, it's perfectly normal for a person to experience paranoia when they feel guilty," he said. "Michelle and I aren't having an affair. What's happening is that your feelings of inadequacy are making you think you aren't to blame for the problems in your marriage. You need to recognize that this paranoia is unfounded. That's the first step toward making real progress."

Ted sat back in his chair. "So both of you want to claim you aren't having an affair? Is that your final word?" he said.

"Of course it is, you moron!" Michelle said.

"Ted, it would be unethical for me to be involved with a patient," Dr. Brianson said.

"We agree on that," Ted said. He opened his briefcase and pulled out a sheaf of photographs. "I hired a private detective to follow you, Michelle. He got pictures that prove you and this quack have been meeting regularly at our house to have sex. Take a look at this picture in particular."

He pointed to a print that showed Michelle and Dr. Brianson sharing a passionate kiss as they stood in the driveway. The picture showed Michelle's hand stroking the front of Brianson's pants.

Michelle went white with shock. She was speechless. Dr. Brianson, however, was ready to keep denying the obvious. "Ted, I realize this looks awful, but Michelle and I aren't having an affair. It's true that I gave her hugs when I tried to comfort her, and I guess we let that go too far. But we never had sex, Ted. That didn't happen."

"Really? You never fucked my wife? I am SO RELIEVED to hear that! But I'm puzzled by something." Ted opened his laptop, placed it on the desk, and began showing a video of Brianson and Michelle having sex.

"After the detective got these photos, I bought six nanny cams. Good ones that capture high-definition video in full color, with high-quality stereo sound. Here, let me turn up the volume." They heard the sound of Michelle moaning joyfully as Brianson fucked her from behind and spanked her. "I love your cock!" Michelle said. "It's so much bigger than my husband's little dick!"

Ted enjoyed the look of shocked horror on the faces of his wife and her illicit boyfriend. "I have a couple of these videos," Ted said. "Some of the parts are pretty good. I could put together 15 minutes of highlights that would be very popular on amateur porn sites."

Michelle began to cry. "Ted, stop. You don't have to be mean. I am sorry. I swear, I'll make it up to you. Please forgive me."

"We both know you're lying," Ted said. "All you do is lie. Dr. Brianson, you should know that Michelle was lying about my cock. It's twice as big as that needle dick of yours. She was manipulating you, just like she's been manipulating me."

Dr. Brianson looked frightened. He understood that Ted had proof of unethical behavior bad enough to end his career. Ted wanted to make sure Dr. Brianson got that message.

"What would happen if I filed a malpractice lawsuit against you?" he said. "What would your partners do if I sent them a video showing you having sex with a patient? What would the licensing board do? Your career would be over in a nanosecond. You'd be lucky if you could get a job as an assistant manager in a burger joint."

He turned toward Michelle. "And you," he said, pointing his finger at her face. "You are an elementary school principal. What would your school board do if they saw a video showing you sucking this guy's cock? What would happen if any of your students saw this? You'd never work in education again. For the rest of your life you'd have to face the judgment of every friend, relative, and co-worker you ever had. And I'm sure our son would never forgive you for being such a whore."

"Ted! Don't do that! Don't! I'll never do anything like this again, I promise!" she said.

"Let's get something straight," Ted said. "I would enjoy destroying your lives. You both certainly deserve it. After all the abuse I've endured, it would be wonderful to take away everything you both care about.

"But I've considered this carefully, and I've talked to a lawyer, and she gave me some valuable advice. As much as I want to make you both suffer as much as possible, my lawyer suggested some alternatives that might avoid making this disaster worse than it already is."

Ted pulled a document from his brief. "Let's start with you," he said, pointing at Dr. Brianson. "If I file a malpractice lawsuit, your career will be over. But that will take months, and require a lot of expensive legal fees. I'd eventually get a big settlement, but I'm willing to accept a smaller amount if you agree to it today.

"Signing this paper guarantees that I won't sue you if you agree to pay me damages of $100,000. That is a bargain for a guy in this much trouble," Ted said.

"I don't have that kind of money!" Dr. Briarson said. "I don't have a way to raise that kind of money!"

"I expected you to say that," Ted said. "I notice that there's a pretty green Porsche 911 parked outside. That's your car, right? If you agree to sell me that car for $1, I will accept it as a full settlement for what you owe."

"Ted! That car is worth $120,000! I still owe $95,000!"

"If you're trying to make me feel sorry for you, it ain't working," Ted said. "You've got to pay off that car loan no matter what else we decide. That's going to be a lot easier if you have a job."

Dr. Brianson realized Ted was correct, but he couldn't bring himself to sign the document. "Let me think about it for a few days," he said.

"No. This offer expires the second I walk out this door," Ted said. "I have extra copies of the photos and videos. I plan to distribute copies to all your partners. Today! If you want to keep your job for more than another hour, quit stalling and sign it. Now!"

Dr. Brianson realized he had no choice. He'd acted like an idiot, violating the most important ethical standards of his profession. Now he had to pay the price.

"I'll sign," he said, putting his name on the document.

"You. Bitch. Sign as a witness," Ted said to his wife. She numbly picked up the pen and put her name on the line for witnesses to the settlement contract.

It was done. "Give me the keys," Ted said to Dr. Brianson. He withdrew a dollar from his wallet and threw the bill on the floor.

"There's your payment," Ted said.

He gathered up the signed document, put it away, and then pulled out a new one. "This is for you," he said to his wife. "My lawyer drew up a contract you have to sign if you don't want me to destroy your life."

Michelle looked at the thin sheaf of papers. "What is it?" she asked.

"This is a post-nuptial agreement. You've heard of prenups. This is just like that, except it's for people who are already married. By signing this paper, you agree that if we get divorced, I will receive the house, cars, and all savings. In addition, I will get full custody of Henry, and you agree to pay monthly child support payments."

"That's not fair!" Michelle said.

"It's a bargain," Ted said. "If you sign this document, I won't expose all your dirty little secrets. You'll get to keep your job. I may even agree not to divorce you, but we'll have to talk about that first."

"I can't sign this!" she said.

"Fine. I can send copies of this video to members of the school board. Your parents. Your friends. I can download it to porn sites so millions of people can watch you act like a whore," Ted said. "It's your choice."

"Ted! Please! Don't do this! I am sorry! Very sorry! I'll never do anything like this again!"

"That's wonderful news. It would be even better if I believed a word you said. Sign this post-nup, or I'll burn your life to the ground."

Michelle began to cry. She reached for Ted's arm. "My God, what's gotten into you? You aren't the man I married! The Ted I know is kind. Generous. Understanding. Please Ted, forgive me!"

Her crying got louder. Ted tried to pull away from her, but she wouldn't let go. "Ted! Ted! For the love of God, Ted!" she said. He finally got tired of her dramatics. Ted drew back his hand and slapped Michelle across the face.

She was shocked into silence. Ted had never raised a hand to her in all the years they'd been together. She'd never seen this side of his personality. It scared her.

"There's no need for that, Ted," Dr. Brianson said, putting his hand on Ted's shoulder and pulling him away from Michelle. Ted angrily shoved Dr. Brianson so hard it slammed him against the wall.

The therapist collapsed to the floor. He wasn't hurt, but the sudden outburst frightened him. Ted was bigger and much stronger; he could easily beat Dr. Brianson in a fight. But Dr. Brianson was mainly afraid that someone outside the office might hear the scuffle and come to investigate. He didn't want to answer the kinds of questions he'd face if anyone demanded to know why there was fighting in his office.

"Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up!" Ted told Dr. Brianson. Turning back to Michelle, he lowered his voice and spoke in a calm, soft tone. "You can choose not to sign the post-nup, but that will end your career, your marriage, and alienate everyone you know. What will it be?" he asked, holding out a pen.

Knowing she had to sign, Michelle took the pen and wrote her signature. How could I be stupid enough to make this happen? she thought as she signed her name. Why did I think Ted would let me get away with all this?

"You. Sign right here," Ted said to Dr. Brianson. Knowing he was beaten, the therapist said nothing as he signed his name as a witness to the post-nuptial agreement.

"Fine. I'm glad you two did the right thing," Ted said, taking the documents and placing them in the briefcase. "There's one more detail," Ted said to Dr. Brianson. "You have to pay my legal fees. My lawyer will send you a bill.

"Now, I'm leaving. You need to sign over the title to your car before I can get the hell out of here."

The trio walked silently to the space where Dr. Brianson parked his Porsche. He unlocked the car, retrieved the title from the glove compartment, and then signed the space saying he sold the car to Ted. Dr. Brianson loved that car - it was a luxury he could barely afford on his salary as a therapist - and it was hard to believe he'd never drive it again.

"Michelle, we're going home. Follow me in the Toyota." Michelle nodded quietly. She was tempted to ask if she could drive the Porsche, but she realized this new version of Ted didn't like it when she questioned him. She didn't want to risk being slapped again.

It began to rain during the drive home. They had a two-car garage, so there was no room for the Toyota after Ted parked the Porsche next to the Escalade. That meant Michelle had to park in the driveway and dodge raindrops as she ran inside. She was wearing very high heels - Dr. Brianson told her they looked sexy - so she wasn't able to move very fast as she struggled to get out of the rain.

"Sit down," Ted told her, pointing to a chair at the kitchen table. "We're going to have a little talk."

She quietly took a seat, dreading what was about to happen. Michelle realized that Ted was executing a plan he'd worked on for a while. His background as an engineer made Ted thorough and methodical. He'd had time to consult a lawyer and decide what to do. Michelle knew that everything she was about to hear would be bad news.

It reminded her of something she hadn't thought about for a long time. Michelle was no dummy, but she knew Ted was smarter than her. One of the qualities that originally attracted her to Ted was his brains. She hadn't thought about that for a long time because she'd become so used to thinking of Ted as a spineless wimp she could bully. But now that it was clear Ted had a backbone, it was equally clear that he also had a brain - and he was using it against her.

"A lot of things are about to change," Ted said. Opening his briefcase, he withdrew a single sheet of paper. "Starting now, you are going to have to follow some new rules. Here's a list. We're going to go over the rules one by one." Ted took out his cell phone and activated a sound recording app. "We're going to record this conversation to make sure there's no dispute over what I'm about to tell you."

Looking at the list, Ted began. "The first item involves how much money you spend. It's ridiculous. You've got a closet full of overpriced designer clothes, jewelry, shoes, accessories - you dress like a princess, not a suburban housewife. Your car is ridiculous. Your spending stops today. Open your purse and give me your credit cards."

Michelle handed them over, and Ted used scissors to cut them in half. He reached into his wallet and pulled out $200. "Here is money you can use to buy gas and groceries. You can't use this money to buy clothes, cosmetics - just gas and groceries. If you want to buy something else, you have to get my permission first. When you need more cash, let me know. But I expect to see receipts for every cent you spend."

Michelle tried to imagine what it would be like for her to go through life without credit cards. She didn't have long to think about it, because Ted started talking about the next item on the list.

"I am going to sell the Escalade. I can use that money to repair some of the damage you've done to our finances. Agreed?"

"Yes," Michelle said. "I can drive the Porsche."

Ted laughed so hard it startled Michelle. "That Porsche belongs to me. Don't touch it. Ever. You'll drive the Toyota. Give me your keys to the Escalade." Michelle removed the keys from her keychain and realized she'd be stuck driving a car she hated. She considered Toyotas to be cars appropriate for commoners - not an aristocrat like her. She would be embarrassed when her employees realized that the Escalade was gone, replaced in Michelle's parking space by the kind of car owned by most of Michelle's lowly employees.

"Next item. Housework," Ted said. "You used to do your share of the housework, but you've gotten so lazy that you've dumped all that work on me.

"Starting today, you are responsible for all the housework. All of it. I've been so busy doing your share of the work that I've neglected my business. Starting now, you're going to pull your weight around here, and I'm going to spend more time doing things important to me."

Michelle knew it was true. One by one, she'd stopped doing household chores, imagining that her spineless husband would allow it. She realized now that she'd behaved badly, and she had to change if she wanted to prevent Ted from destroying her.

"Next item. Parenting. You spend so little time with Henry that he thinks you don't like him," Ted said.

"That's not true!" Michelle said. "Henry knows I love him!"

"Nope. Not even close. How would Henry know that? Who helps him with his homework? Who takes him to his games? Who puts him in bed and tells him stories? Who gets him up in the morning and makes his breakfast? I do all those things. You do nothing. That is going to end.

"Starting tonight, you are going to be the person who helps Henry with his homework. You are going to make his meals. You are going to be the one to help him anytime he needs help. I'm going to continue doing things with Henry because I love him. I'll continue being the one who puts him in bed, but you are going to do whatever it takes to let that poor kid know he has a father AND a mother!"

Michelle nodded in agreement. As she reflected, she realized that most of what Ted said was true. It was hard to think of herself as a neglectful mother. As an elementary school principal, Michelle knew lots of kids with neglectful parents. She hated thinking of herself like that.

"Let's talk about cooking. Starting now, it is your job to prepare the meals. ALL the meals! We've had so much take-out food that I'm on a first-name basis with the guy at the pizza shop. When it's dinnertime, you get your ass into the kitchen and cook. You are barred from restaurants unless you go with me. That includes lunch. From now on, you are to take a brown bag to school and eat lunch there. Understood?