Recycling

Eventually, I reluctantly opened my eyes to see her concerned face, patiently waiting for me to revive. She reached down to take my hand, and pulled to help me stand.

"Come on," she said, and tugged on my hand, pulling me up the stairs, and on into our bedroom and its master bath. She got the water going in the shower, helped me get out of my clothes, and pushed me in.

And I still didn't know what to say to her.

When I eventually emerged, I felt almost like a human being again. Jen had set out a big fluffy towel and my bathrobe next to the sink, where I found a toothbrush with toothpaste already on it waiting for me. I could smell coffee from somewhere, and after brushing I ventured out into our bedroom.

Jennifer was there, sitting on the bed, a tray with a coffee pot and cups on the adjacent dresser. She smiled and patted the space next to her. I stumbled out and sat, gratefully taking the cup she poured for me.

I had absolutely no idea where to begin. But before I could come up with another stupid idea, Jennifer sucked in a big breath of air, and began.

"Honey... I didn't want to tell you about this; and there's a reason for that. But... well, we need to talk."

I mentally braced myself, fearing the worst. Was this where my life veered off course and slammed into a bridge abutment, leaving me in constant pain until the end of my days?

Jen squared her shoulders as if resolving to make a leap into the unknown.

"I've been in love with you from the first week we met," she said firmly.

I blinked in surprise. That was a good thing... but... I was still waiting for the hammer to fall.

"I liked everything I saw in that first week, and they're the reasons why I still love you today. Like the way you can always make me smile. How smart you are. How you've always respected me and my opinions. How gorgeous you are. And that... you love me, too."

She stopped and looked away. "But when we first met... I was with Larry."

She felt me flinch at the mention of his name. She tried to smile, but it didn't come across very well. I realized she was just as anxious as I was.

"I couldn't just drop him for you out of the blue... I did have feelings for him. It would have been cruel. And besides," she said, in a nervous rush, "if you saw me be mean like that to Larry, you might not have gone out with me.

"Then, before I could get the nerve to start letting Larry down gently, you started dating Debbie! That just about drove me nuts. And, well, this is where I... I'm going to try to tell you something that I've never told anyone before. I'm not very proud of it."

Her eyes began to shine with unshed tears. She took another deep breath. "You know how Larry and I kind of... separated a lot? But I kept coming back to him?"

I nodded cautiously.

"Well, the main reason I did that, was because... that way I could... stay close to you," she said, her voice dropping to nearly a whisper. "Keeping him and me in the study group, going on double dates with you and Debbie... I pushed Larry and Debbie to do those things, to stay near you."

The moisture in her eyes spilled over into tears and she sniffled softly, but her expression remained determined.

"I really didn't like myself for that, for using Larry like that. I mean, neither of us was ready to settle down and get married back then. But... but what if he missed out on meeting the love of his life, because he thought he had me?"

Her sniffles continued, and I could feel her gently shaking next to me. I couldn't help myself. When I reached over and gently rubbed her back, her head rose up to look at me with startled gratitude.

When her crying finally shuddered to a stop, she jumped up to get some tissues to dry her eyes. Then she sat down on the bed next to me again, and continued her story.

"Anyway, when you broke up with Debbie, I decided I wasn't going to let the same thing happen again. I didn't want to hurt Larry, but I wasn't going to let a day go by before I told you how I felt about you.

"As soon as Debbie told me you'd agreed to break up, I called Larry and asked him to take me someplace where we could talk. He knew something was up; I mean it's not like we hadn't had problems before.

"He could tell it was somehow different. I wanted him to believe I was serious about ending our relationship this time, and that... that he'd only get hurt if he tried to get us back together again. And I... I told him that I'd realized I had feelings for you, and that... now that you and Debbie had split, that I wanted to see where those feelings would lead.

"The part I regret was... I said I'd already talked to you about it. I said you had feelings for me too, and that you and I were together now. And... I told Larry it was you that insisted I talk to him about it.

"So... I told my little lie to Larry to make sure he wouldn't think we'd done something behind his back. I told him that since it was me that approached you, that if he was upset it should be with me, not you.

"Of course, I hadn't even asked you out yet! But I was going to find you in your dorm that night and do it. And I just knew... I knew you were the one for me.

"I mean, everything I told him was true, or at least... it would be in a few hours. I was just trying to make a clean break with him.

"He was really sad, and we were holding each other. Pretty soon he started to kiss me, and I was feeling so bad about the way I'd treated him, and that I'd just lied to him, that when he wanted to make love, I... well, we did. Even though Larry thought I was cheating on you to do it.

"I felt horrible about the whole thing, so I did my best to make it as good for him as I could. But I was feeling so guilty, when we... finished, I started... c-crying and I couldn't stop."

As I listened to her painful recounting, something or someone in the back of my head was trying to tell me something... She said she was crying after making love to Larry...

Her confession brought on another round of sobbing, with me stroking her hair, murmuring reassurances to her. Eventually she was able to continue.

"That night I asked you out. And you were as perfect for me as I could ever have hoped for. And then, a week or so later, I got the letter from Larry that you found last night."

She was so emotional that she didn't notice when I shuddered, my eyes going wide. The letter wasn't from last week's reunion; it was from while we were still in college!

"So that's why Larry thought there might be hope for him to win me back. He thought since I'd cheated on you when we made love that night that there was a chance I'd come back to him... again."

She paused and looked intently into my eyes. "But I hadn't cheated on you. And I never will."

I impulsively hugged her to me. How could I have been such a fool to doubt her? We held each other tightly for a long time. Eventually she released me, and was again staring earnestly at me.

"So, that's why you don't have to worry about that letter. I kept it around at first just to remind myself to always be honest with you; and with myself, too.

"I kind of forgot about it after a few years. Being at the reunion last week reminded me of it. And I found out from other people at the reunion that Larry did meet the girl of his dreams, and he's been happily married for years.

"So... I decided enough time had passed that... that I could forgive myself. It felt really good to throw the letter in the wastebasket.

"And then you had to go and find it in the recycling!"

She grasped my hand and held it to her chest. I wrapped my other arm around her.

"But maybe it was supposed to happen," she breathed. "I mean, it happened a long time ago. But it still feels good that now there aren't any secrets I've kept from you."

After she'd put herself through that torment for me, I knew that I had to be honest with her as well.

"Jen, I need to tell you something, and I'm embarrassed about what... well, what I thought when I saw the letter. It's why I was so freaked out when you found me in the garage."

"Uh, okay," she said cautiously.

"Well... I understand now what happened back then, and I believe you completely. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you hadn't been so sure about me, who knows what might have happened. I can't imagine not being with you for the rest of my life."

She smiled cautiously and put a hand on my cheek.

"But it still bothered you to find it, didn't it?" she asked. "I'm so sorry, baby. That was the last thing I would want to happen. I should have burned the stupid thing!"

I smiled ruefully back at her. "I kind of wish you had, too. It would have prevented me from acting like a complete idiot."

She looked at me in confusion. "You... you said there was something else you wanted to tell me?"

I sighed. "Okay. Now, you see how I'm looking at you? That I'm not freaked out any more?

"Yes?" she said cautiously. I took a deep breath.

"Jen... there's no date on that letter."

Her head tilted in puzzlement.

"So? So there's no date on the... Oh my God!" she exclaimed in horror. She grabbed the letter and held it up for re-examination. "Oh, baby, you mean... you thought, when you found it, that it, that I... that when I was gone last week that... that..."

"Yes, I'm embarrassed to say that I did," I said sheepishly. "When I read the part about you being with Larry 'last week, ' and that he wanted to keep doing it as long as you'd let him... yeah, I freaked."

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. You have to believe me, I would never... "

I cut her off by pulling her somewhat roughly to me, smothering her mouth with mine. I held her with a grip so tight that one part of my mind worried I might crack a rib; but I couldn't make myself ease up. I eventually pulled back to look earnestly into her eyes.

"I'm the one that should apologize, Jen. I should have trusted you. I think it hit me so hard because... I just couldn't imagine living without you. So that's my excuse, along with being an idiot. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said soothingly. "As long as you believe me... I really did fall in love with you that first week."

She looked at me fondly.

"I still remember being in that huge econ class, watching that good looking guy sitting down front asking those smart questions. I was thinking I'd really like to have a chance with a guy like that some day.

"Then when I went to my next class, and found you sitting there... I had to wonder if our meeting wasn't meant to happen."

I held her eyes with mine, my chest tight with emotion. I reached across her lap to pick up her right hand, brought it to my lips, softly kissing her palm. I spoke softly as I began to move up her arm, pausing to give soft kisses along the way.

"Jen, I know (kiss)... it was meant to happen. I know (kiss) I'll always feel this way about you."

"Mmmm," she hummed softly. "How do you feel?"

Each kiss progressed further up her arm as I pulled her towards me. I draped her arm over my back, now kissing the soft skin of her neck.

"Lucky to have you... eager to be with you... anxious to please you... hoping you'll always want me."

My hands went to her waist, softly caressing.

"I'll always want you, Gerry. I'll always be with you."

Slowly, lovingly, buttons were un-done, a zipper lowered, a shirt pulled off, jeans and soft cotton panties were wiggled free, all making a small pile on the floor next to my robe.

We fell together on the bed, kissing passionately. Our kisses went on and on, unhurried. They were not a prelude to love making; they were a reaffirmation of love.

I began to explore her, touching and softly caressing, savoring her beautiful body that was mine to love.

Jennifer couldn't remain passive in the aftermath of our emotional recommitment. As I worshiped her, moving up and down the length of my lover, she likewise slid her hands and lips over me as we moved together.

I could feel the heat radiating off her body as our touches gradually became more urgent, more demanding. Moments before her hands had been as soft as a butterfly's wings. Now they were becoming firmer, more possessive, more directive.

She pulled me to her bosom, and I felt her firm chest underneath my hands as I held and suckled at her breasts, drawing life from my woman. I felt her reach for me, and soon the sounds of our passion began to stir and grow.

I forced myself to release her and move on to the softness of her belly. I could feel traces of golden hair on her skin, angel faint and light, invisible to anyone but me, and felt only by my reverent kisses.

Jen released me and grasped my shoulder.

"Hey."

I looked up in question. She held her arms out to me.

"I... I can't wait. Please?"

I smiled, more than willing to match her urgency. I rose up to return the embrace of her arms, while she moved her legs to embrace my hips from below.

It seemed impossible for either of us to look anywhere but into each other's eyes as we came together. I saw Jen catch her breath and hold it as she felt me push. It seemed more difficult than usual, and she cautiously pushed back while fractionally raising and lowering her hips.

Soon her efforts were rewarded by my inward surge, and she let loose an explosive gasp of air.

"Jeez, honey," she said in some wonderment, "a little... excited?"

"Well... I'm not going to apologize."

We giggled together, sounding like naughty school kids, which faded into loving smiles as we began to move together.

As our passion built and I looked down at my lover, I couldn't help but think how lucky I was to have this woman as my wife. It was inconceivable to be without her. I felt an intense release of the tension I didn't know I'd been holding back, and my eyesight began blur.

I felt Jen put a hand to my face as my tears spilled over. I blinked rapidly, trying to tell if she thought I was upset. But she was smiling lovingly, and gently wiped away my tears. She knew I was crying with a joy that couldn't be contained.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, from the deepest part of my soul. I wanted to tell her that the only measure of myself that mattered to me was what reflected back from her eyes. I wanted to scream my love for her from the highest mountains.

But as I felt her soft soulful touches to my cheek, and as I gazed into the blue eyes that were still the most beautiful I'd ever seen... I knew she understood.

Soon our passion began to overcome us, and Jen took hold of my arms, gripping them fiercely as she climbed to her first peak. I struggled to stay with her, as she seemed to be moving from crest to crest, each punctuated with sounds of pleasure arising from deep within her.

The sensations were increasingly intense, her movements becoming nearly violent as she clutched me to her. She began to shudder and gasp as she felt me begin to lose control, and soon I could do nothing but surrender to the pleasure she was giving me.

As the pinnacle of her release arrived, I followed her into bliss. Both of us cried out in our shared ecstasy, making a loving exclamation point to the renewal of our love... the love, I was happy to discover, that had never really left me, after all.

Epilogue

The next week I was surprised when Jennifer joined me in the garage on paper recycling night. And she has continued to join me there, every week, ever since.

She watches me carefully, teasingly, happily, until her patience is rewarded - when I discover the love letter she's written for me to find that week.

In the end, there was nothing to recycle.

There was nothing to salvage.

There was only our love for each other, which will endure without pause, for the rest of our lives.

The End