Reflections Pt. 01

I turned away so no one could hear me, "Julia, what part of 'no one' do you not fucking understand, he is not involved, he is just the cock that is going to destroy our marriage. Do you know, for an intelligent woman you can be really fucking stupid?" I hung up, again.

I had her right where I wanted her, without any effort or planning on my part. I could set the rules with her agreement. Then she would break them and either give up and stay with me with lots of BSB or she would move out and I would have to start all over again and coming up to 48 years old, do I want to swap someone I love with the uncertainty of a new relationship, even if I could find someone. Bollocks, I am going to have to work on this. Fuck I might have to say Yes. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had to calm down and stop swearing so much.

My mind was a fucking mess, I was so confused, what the fuck to do?

Right, make a basic plan, say 'yes' but make the conditions so difficult it was unachievable. After a few seconds pondering, there may be more than one way that I could approach that. I had to be careful; I couldn't stop it too soon, otherwise she would feel she didn't have a fair chance. She had just given me a reason to stop this mayhem and she'd already shown she couldn't keep to the rules, so this might be easy. Shit, this was going to have to play out longer. But in the end, I could get her to call it off and it wouldn't happen. We can sort out her state of mind later.

I was much calmer now that I had a plan, well at least an outline.

I was feeling quite smug until I remembered whenever I'd felt smug in the past, in most cases it quickly turned to rat shit.

The problem was looking at the numbers I'd written on the beer mats: -

I say 'No' she stays, distrust = divorce.

I say 'Yes', he is better than me she moves out= divorce.

I say 'Yes', she enjoys it, wants to do more= divorce.

I say 'Yes', it's shit, and she comes home to me with her scratch itched.

That's 3:1, not good odds. But I'm sure that's not the full SP.

At least if I said 'yes', I would have some control over it, if I said 'no', would I ever be able to trust her not to go behind my back? For the last 24 years I've trusted her absolutely, but would I be able to after this? I really didn't fucking know what to do.

I saw four options, make a set of rules she will fail to keep and get her to call it off, she'd already shown she couldn't follow one simple rule, so that should be easy for her to break others. Scare him off and make him a shit lover, there was a risk in that last one. And of course, the physical abuse with a cricket bat. But I had another idea bubbling under the surface which I didn't know how to achieve, so go with the first three and leave the fourth as a backup, although it was my preferred choice if she really wanted another man.

The smugness returned for a few seconds, but then I shoved it away.

I had to open up another beer mat and started scribbling, I soon had a list of rules, several I didn't think she would be able to keep, but the last one was my pièce de résistance.

Right, I had a plan, time to go home, as I finished my Guinness I remembered that a plan rarely survived first contact with the enemy, it's just damage limitation after that and waiting for opportunities to exploit. But who was the enemy here?

Back Home.

I headed back home, bugger it had got colder, halfway home I was shivering. Worse than that, I was still thinking and the closer I got to home, the angrier I got. How could she do this to me? By the time I reached my front door, I was seething.

When I went in Julia rushed up to me, she could see I was cold. "You're shivering, let me hold you, let me warm you up."

"Don't fucking touch me!" She stood back shocked.

The fire had nearly gone out so I threw some kindling and some logs on, I went to the kitchen and got myself a beer, one of my strong ones, I was hoping I would calm down. It wasn't working. The kindling had taken hold, I stood with my back to the fire trying to warm up.

I mustered up some calm. "I have to ask, is this a test to see what I would do if you had an affair or if I would be into an open relationship?"

"What! No, no nothing like that, I don't need to test you and I defiantly do not want an open relationship. This will be a one-time event; I promise you sweetheart."

The anger bubbling under the surface came back. "Then how the fuck could you do this to me. What have I done wrong to deserve this?"

"You've done nothing wrong sweetheart it's all me, it's just something I have to do to get it out of my system."

"So when were you planning for this fucking fuck fest to happen?"

"No, I haven't, I'm not planning, I swear." She cried.

"But you've been thinking about; it haven't you." I gave her that hard stare that she sometimes uses on me to get to the truth. "You have thought about doing it behind my back haven't you? Don't fucking lie, I'll see in your eyes."

I was barely keeping my anger in, but I managed it. I said as quietly as I could. "And you were tempted, weren't you?"

"Yes, but only for a second," she whispered.

Fuck! "So pray tell me how I can fucking trust you now, you have just admitted that you have planned to go behind my back and get shagged by Shithead."

"NO," she shouted at me with that look, "There was no plan, it was just talked about," again with that look. I believed her. I was not sure what the other three had been planning though.

Quietly I said, "After the talking there generally comes a plan, and I wouldn't put it past the bimbos and Shithead to already have one up their sleeves."

She looked at me and you could see the cogs going round in her head and after a few seconds she said "Fuck, you're probably right. So, what do we do now?"

"That's simple, you call it off. But even then, I don't see how I can ever fucking trust you again, you've just admitted to me that you thought about going shagging behind my back."

She looked at me with tears pouring from her eyes, "Yes, I can see that. So where do we go from here? I don't want a divorce. I love you."

I went to get another beer; I didn't realise the bottle I had was empty.

"Now that you've brought this up how can I ever fucking trust you again." I really must stop fucking swearing.

She was crying. "No, no we can work this out, please don't throw 24 years away."

"I haven't thrown fuck all away, you did when you wanted to sleep with another man not your Husband!"

She stood up and reached for me. I pulled back. "Don't fucking touch me." She sat down again.

I started on at her again. "All the kinky sex, the nice dinners all to butter me up for this sordid shit. You didn't do all that for me, you did it for your selfish self. I thought you were doing that because you love me, and you know I like that stuff. But no, you are a conniving bitch, it's just so you go fucking other men. You make me fucking sick." My anger was not subsiding.

I was on a roll, all the things I had thought about on my walk back from the pub came pouring out. "Do you think so little of me that I would just roll over and give in because you wore a Basque, did kinky, cooked liver and bacon and fetched me the odd beer. Do you really think so fucking little of me. The man you say you love with all your heart. I think you've just thrown 24 years away with those seven words. You can't just take them back."

She looked at me straight in the eyes through her tears. "No, I didn't see it like that, I was feeling guilty for having those thoughts, I saw it as guilty sex, I didn't see it as bribery. I'm sorry it wasn't supposed to be like that, I didn't see it like that, honestly."

I could see from the look on her face that she hadn't thought of it that way. Tears were absolutely pouring down her face.

I could see she was losing the argument, that doesn't mean to say that I was winning. I could see she was thinking. I went got another beer; I even got her a glass of wine. Perhaps now that I'd ranted and got it out of my system, I was calming down a little.

"What was I supposed to do once it was in my head?" She asked.

"Simple, you talk to me about when it started not fucking weeks later dropping it on me as a fucking fait accompli. Then I could have helped, but now it's too fucking late for me to help. So just fuck off and leave me alone." I could see that hurt her as I turned away to try and warm up the front of my body on the fire.

"It's not a fait accompli, just say so and I won't do it."

"YES IT FUCKLING IS, at some time in the future, 5, 9 or even 12 years' time you will fucking drag this crap up and blame me for not letting you have one of your desires. And it'll be all my fucking fault. That's what you do, you save stuff up to blackmail me, most of the time it pretty nice, but this is just dark."

I stared at her. "Just fuck off and leave me alone."

Then I was cruel. "Fuck it, I don't want to live like this with the worry, the distrust. I might as well go for the divorce on Monday. Fuck it all."

I could see things going round in her head. "So even if I stop it, you will still divorce me, is that what you're saying."

Shit. I was not thinking straight, I had backed myself into a corner, I could see what see was thinking, she might as well do it anyway. Was she that shallow? If she was, where was the woman I'd married?

"I don't know, I am so fucking confused; you dropped this on me not even four hours ago to deal with and you've had weeks. It's all sorted out your head, but I've never had to think about anything like this before."

"Two fucking weeks you've had to think about this, and I get four fucking hours." The trying to stop swearing wasn't working very well.

"If I say 'No' now, can we work out how I make it up to you, can we work it out and not get a divorce. Please." She was begging. She laid her hand on my arm.

So, I put her to the test. I glared at her. "Right, you stop it, promise me you will never bring this up again, never think about this, never talk about this ever again."

She failed. "I don't know if I can do that." she said quietly. Fuck.

"I don't know, I really don't fucking know. I'm going to have to learn to live with the fact that my wife wants to sleep with another man. And I don't know if I can do that, I don't think I'm that strong." I snatched my arm away from her and turned back to the fire. Fuck my beer was empty again. Is there some fucking gremlin drinking my beer, it keeps disappearing.

I stood staring at the flames, a calmness returned. Thing started going round in my head. There was a nudge on my arm and a there was Julia with a bottle of beer.

All this arguing and the drink and we were both worn out, I was feeling shattered and destroyed. I had no idea what the time was. "Are you coming to bed?" she asked.

"I will be sleeping down here till this is over, throw me some pillows and a quilt down the stairs please."

"No! You belong in bed with me I want to start making it up to you."

"I'm not into guilty sex, and I am not sleeping in the same bed as my wife, the wife that wants to get fucked by another man, an arsehole she has already selected, an asshole that I don't like to do the filthy deed with. And she has been planning to do it behind my fucking back. She has already admitted she has been tempted to cheat on me, and I am not sure if she hasn't fucking done it already. Are trying to humiliate me even more now?" Ok bending what she actually had admitted to, but I wanted to make a point.

"Don't bother with the bed stuff I'll get it myself." Realising my beer was empty I went to the kitchen for another, fuck it make it a G&T, a big one.

She went upstairs and came back with the quilt and pillows "Come to bed please," I just looked at her.

She went back upstairs crying.

I refilled my G&T and sat looking at the fire with the quilt wrapped around me and I started to plan. I had to go outside to fetch some more logs, the coldness woke me up and sharpened my thoughts. It was a long night, but by the end of it I had a plan, well actually several little plans that could be rolled into three plus a spare. I was hoping a set of rules that may stop her, which was going to be plan 'A' make it too difficult for her so she calls it off. Plan 'B', dissuade him, or plan 'C' destroy him physically, whilst I might prefer the plan 'C' option if I could get away without going to gaol. There already was a plan 'D'.

The thing that bothered me the most was, and the 2Cs were probably correct, I did love her with all my heart, it's not something I can just turn off like a light switch. So, I will probably let her do this, I can't believe I'm even thinking that. But I had no idea what the fallout would be if she went through with it.

The Morning.

I think I might have dozed off for half hour or so throughout the night I stumbled into the kitchen at about 7:00 o'clock and started making some tea and popped a couple of slices of Hovis in the toaster, although I probably wouldn't eat them.

Julia came down she must have heard me banging around. She looked as bad as I felt and, that was pretty fucking shit. I poured two mugs of tea. And we sat in our usual places, facing each other over the kitchen table. In between us were the beer mats. I started buttering the toast and I saw her reading them. This was going to be hard. And we were probably going to go over a lot of the stuff we talked about last night.

I started. "I've been awake all night thinking and I still don't know what the fuck to do. You want to sleep another man; I don't want you to. I've known you for 24 years, and when you set your mind to something you usually get it so. There are always going to be doubts in my mind so I'm still very tempted to just say fuck it and go straight for the divorce. I don't know if I can trust you."

I didn't say it, but the reverse would also be true, if she said she wouldn't go through with it and she wouldn't cheat on me she would have the same level of determination not to do it. But I'm still in a quandary, she'd been thinking about this for weeks and I'd just had a few hours.

"Do you still want to do this?"

"Yes, but if you tell me not to, I won't." She paused and looked at me. "I would never cheat on you. I won't go behind your back." she said quietly.

"But I can no longer trust you because you want to do this, and you usually get what you want, have you already planned to go behind my back? Egged on and helped by those two young bimbos."

She dropped her head and looked at her hands in her lap "They've been trying to convince me to do it even if you said 'No', they said it could be arranged so you wouldn't find out."

"So, you have thought of doing it?"

"Yes, but only for a second," she whispered. "Long enough to know it was wrong, and I couldn't do it."

Fuck! "So pray tell me how I can trust you now, you have just admitted that you have planned to go behind my back and get shagged by Shithead."

"NO," she shouted at me with that look, "There was no plan, it was just talked about," again with that look. I believed her, but I wasn't sure what plans the other three had.

Quietly I said, "After the talking there generally comes a plan, and I wouldn't put it past the bimbos and Shithead to already have one up their sleeves."

She looked at me and you could see the cogs going round in her head and after a few seconds she said. "Fuck, you're probably right, fuck. So, what do we do now?"

"That's simple, you call it off. But now can you see why I can't trust you?"

She looked at me with tears pouring from her eyes, "Yes, I can see where you're coming from. So where do we go from here? I don't want a divorce."

"Then don't do it! It is that simple. There is a 3 to 1 chance you're going to get one whether you want one or not, better get those stories straight for the kids and parents." At times she hates being married to an engineer who looks at situations and numbers and comes up with a solution. I pointed to the beer mats on the table. She had read everything that was written there. "I have only just learnt that the woman that I have loved since our first kiss wants another man. So, you just might fucking get a divorce anyway."

"But now I've got this thing in my head, it's not that simple my love, it may be for you. It's not for me. I can't just turn it off like a switch. But if you tell me to stop, I will."

I growled at her, "I know how this fucking goes, I say 'No' and it's forever my fault. You started this; you have to finish it. The ball is entirely in your court. You have to be the one that says 'No'."

I went and poured some more tea to give myself time to sort out some thoughts, yes, I know I had all night, but this is not a simple problem.

I sat back down. "Right." I said. "Here are my thoughts, if I say 'No' you will do it anyway with the pressure from the 2Cs and Shithead. Even if you didn't do it, I would be worried that you were cheating behind my back. Every time you were late home from work, worked late, went out with 'the girls' or went to your sisters, I would worry. I would be constantly watching you for change of attitude, dress, make-up, hair, anything. I'd find myself going through the dirty washing for tell-tale signs of your fucking around. I couldn't trust you so it would soon lead to arguments and then to a divorce."

I stood up behind my chair, the moral high ground. "Don't take this as a 'Yes' but if I don't let you do this, I am frightened you will go behind my back. And I will find out about it because I will be looking for it and then I will divorce you and lose you forever." She looked at me eyes wide open, shocked. Tears were pouring down my face, I was openly crying. She hadn't seen me cry this much since Steven was born.

"If I let this go ahead, and don't get your hopes up, I am still going with 'No', there will be rules, and there will be consequences if these rules are not followed. I need a little time to fully get them together and present the rules and the reason behind them, I think the reasons are only fair to you so know where I am coming from. There are only three consequences. You stop this, you do it but never mention it, or I divorce you. And you might still get the divorce if I can't convince you not to do it"

"I love you; you're the only one I love; I don't want a divorce."

I turned one of her comments back on her, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't do this."

"I have to," she said, in that hard voice I knew so well when she was determined. Now both of us were crying.

"If you go on with this, I'll have to doubt your love for me for the last 24 years and there is a good chance you're going to get a divorce." OK it was cruel to keep mentioning a divorce, but I wanted to keep ramming it in. I wanted her to stop this, so I had to be cruel.

I went for a mouthful of tea to find the mug empty, again I didn't remember drinking any of that one either, I made some more. The beer drinking gremlin had turned into a tea drinking gremlin.

I had calmed down just enough not to shout, and I started on the things I had been thinking about all night. "Just off the top of my head for a start. We never, ever talk about it, it's as if it never happened, you keep it all to yourself, I want to know nothing about it. You do not mention this to me or anybody else; I do not want this getting out, ever. If I hear about it from anybody else the consequences will be the same. This is a one-time event, never again, if you so much as look at another man, even hint or joke you want to do it again. I will divorce you, but for now, just to carry on I want your agreement that if any of that happens you will leave our house with only the clothes you stand up in and then I divorce you and tell the whole family why."