Running out of Love

Finally I couldn't do it any longer and I just signed the papers. I knew that even if we were apart for a while, time would bring us back together. I finally realized that I had done a really bad thing, so maybe having to be away from him for a year or so would make him see that as bad as I had been, that I would never hurt him again. And also maybe he could see that there was no one who would love him as much as I did. I also hoped that someday we could still have our babies, since we both wanted them. He did say that in the meeting with the lawyers. Those words were the strongest thing I took from that stupid meeting. Those words were stronger even than the pain of watching my-self act like a whore on the video. He had said "Carly, I would love to have babies with you". And if it killed me, we still would.

Robbie went away on a cruise alone to think about what he wanted. I hoped that what he wanted was me.

Maybe 6 or 7 months later I was driving past the park and I thought I saw him running. He always looked so great running, that smooth effortless stride that just ate up the miles. People always talk about how great running is for you. There's an old joke about how if running is so great for you, why do people look so miserable when they're doing it? Robbie was an exception to that rule. As he ran he had the biggest smile on his face. Almost as big as the smile he used to get whenever he saw me. He got near his same old car, the Taurus, he still wouldn't drive that Mustang when he ran, and he stopped. He seemed to be laughing. I guess that his depression over our marriage ending was over. He had apparently poured himself into his running to help him through it. I slowed down as I got close to him because maybe he was ready to talk to me. I'd been praying for just that moment for almost a year now. Then I saw where his smile came from. She came running down the path nearly as fast as he had and just as gracefully. Without being a lesbian about it, I had to admit the bitch was beautiful. She had this crooked little smile she kept flashing at him. God dammit I wished I cold hear what they were saying. He seemed to be laughing at her because he beat her. Then she did something that hurt me more than anything in life had. She shook her head no, and as I watched all of that hair cascading around her perfect face she did it. She pointed down to where her perfect stomach should be and I noticed a tiny little pouch that was incongruous with the rest of her body. As I craned my neck to watch I saw him pat her little pouch and put his ear up to it, then he kissed it. She rubbed his head affectionately and kissed him. That silly bitch was having a baby with my husband.

What was the first thing that went through my head when I saw that special and beautiful moment that should have been us?

The steering wheel of my car because the airbag didn't deploy and I'd been so busy looking at them that I'd crossed over the median line and into oncoming traffic. The truck that hit me never had a chance to stop. Mercifully I died instantly, there wasn't any more pain. Truthfully it wouldn't have mattered because from the second I saw that woman was pregnant with the baby I should have had, I died inside anyway.