Samantha, Beth and Me

"I am not a lesbian Rob, I am bisexual; there is a difference. I have been bi-sexual since my roommate seduced me in my freshman year at college."

"That doesn't matter Beth. All that matters is that you had a lover on the side; someone you snuck off with and had sex with. That was cheating Beth and cheating is the one thing that I can absolutely not abide. I loved you Beth, and you will never know how much it killed me to find out that you loved someone else."

"I didn't love anyone else Rob. I loved you; I always loved you. Kathy was never a threat to you. She was a toy; a sex toy for me. She gave me something that you couldn't give me. She gave me a woman's touch. I can't explain it Rob, but a woman can turn on another woman in a way that no man can. It was sex Rob, not love. She gave me what you couldn't and you gave me everything else. I didn't see it as cheating Rob. To me cheating is giving away something that belongs to your spouse and I never did that. I gave you all my love and I gave you all the sex you could handle."

"Yeah, sure, but only out of guilt."

"What does that mean?"

"There was plenty of sex all right, but for the last three months of our marriage it was only after you came home from being with your lover. I figure that it was guilt sex. You fucked me because you felt guilty for having been with your lover."

"I never fucked you Rob. I made love with you. There was no guilt involved when I came home from being with Kathy. I'd just had sex and I wanted to make love. I wanted your touch, I wanted you to make beautiful love to me and hold me and cuddle with me when it was over. I hurried home to you Rob because I needed you and I wanted to be with you."

"Well Beth, you can tell it anyway you want to, paint it any way you want to, but the bottom line is that you cheated on me. My position on that is as clear as crystal. Sex, any kind of sex, with some one not your spouse is cheating and cheating to me is unforgivable and I guess I may as well tell you why. I never told you this; in fact, I have never told anybody about it. You know that my grandparents raised me after my parents died, but I never told you how they died. Most people assume that they died in an accident of some kind, but that isn't true.

"One spring, when I was eight years old, I came home from school early one day because I got a splinter in my hand on the playground during recess. We only lived two blocks from the school and my mom didn't work so I was going to let her take care of it instead of the school nurse. I walked into the house and heard loud noises from my parent's bedroom so I walked back there. The door was open and when I looked into the room I saw my mom on the bed with a man and they were both naked. The man wasn't my dad.

"A lot of eight year olds wouldn't have known what they were looking at, but I did and I knew that since it wasn't my dad it was wrong. My mother saw me standing there watching and she quickly ended things and sent the man packing. Then she sweet talked me into promising her that I would never tell my dad what I saw. She said it would be our little secret and then she said that people who kept secrets should be rewarded and if I would keep the secret she would take me down to the ice cream store and buy me a hot fudge sundae. I loved hot fudge sundaes so I promised I would keep the secret. We went and had ice cream and I never told my dad what I saw that day.

"Once I knew what she was doing during the day while I was in school and dad was at work I saw how I could get all the hot fudge sundaes I wanted so I started coming home early once or twice a week. Maybe once in every three times I would find a man in bed with mom and it wasn't always the same man. I was always sworn to secrecy and bribed with a trip to the ice cream store. Mom wasn't stupid; she knew what I was doing and so she told me to stay in school and stop coming home and that every Wednesday she would take me out for a hot fudge sundae. I said okay and I never did tell my dad what was going on.

"One day dad came home early, found a man in bed with mom and he killed them both and then he killed himself. I've spent every day of my life since then knowing that I could have prevented it from happening. If I had told dad what was going on he would have confronted her, maybe beat the hell out of her and thrown her out of the house, but she would still be alive and so would he. By not telling him I set it up so that he could walk in on them, lose it and then kill them. I sold out for a hot fudge sundae and because of it I lost both my parents. I could have kept it from happening, but I didn't. Mom's cheating caused it, but I could have kept dad from walking in on the two lovers and I didn't. I can not abide cheating Beth, I just can't."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

"I just told you why Beth. I don't talk about it because I am ashamed of what I did. I let my parents die for a fucking hot fudge sundae. Just the memory of it kills me, let alone talking about it."

"Still, it is something that I should have known about you. You should have told me."

"Yeah? Like you should have told me about your bi-sexual preferences?"

"I was afraid to tell you. There are a lot of guys who really get turned off by things like that. I was afraid if I told you that you would stop seeing me. I loved you Rob, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and I was afraid I would scare you off. Be honest with me Rob; would you have accepted it if I had told you?"

"I don't really know Beth. I loved you so probably yes, I would have accepted it, but I would probably also have told you never around me, never in our place and never talk to me about it."

"Rob, I still love you. There hasn't been a man in my life since you left me. Is there any chance for us? Any chance at all?"

"I don't see how Beth, not the way I feel about what you did."

"I don't know what to do now Rob. Since you left me I've held onto the idea we could eventually work it out and get back together. I don't know what to do now."

"Well, one of the things you have to do is have dinner with Samantha. Now if you will excuse me I have to get back to her and the party."

When I got back to the party I found Sam, asked her if she was ready to go and then reminded her that she had said she would treat me "really, really nice" when we got to her apartment.

"What happened?"

"I gave her the fifteen minutes. Balls in your court now."

Sam wasn't really, really nice to me when we got back to her apartment - she was downright mean! She damned near fucked me blind. I didn't even have enough strength to get out of bed and go home so I ended up spending the night and she tried to hurt me again the next morning.

We went out for breakfast and as we sat sipping coffee Sam asked me if I had settled anything with Beth the previous night and I told her that as far as I was concerned everything had been settled with the divorce. She gave me a long look and then changed the subject.

++++++++++++++++++++++

One thing I never did with Samantha was inquire about her other friend with benefits - the one on the female side - so I didn't know if she had dinner with Beth or not and I had no idea if Beth had indeed replaced Gail as Sam's female FWB. There was no change in Sam's relationship with me and to me that is all that was important. Sam and I dated two or three nights a week and what she did on the other nights I treated as strictly none of my business. I didn't know if she spent those nights with her "girlfriend" or took evening classes at the community college and only spent one night or two with her female lover. For all I knew she only saw her female lover once every two weeks. I didn't know what happened on that side and I didn't want to know. What I did know was that I was content with my life the way it was.

It was about six weeks after the party and Sam and I were having dinner before going out to a movie. Sam was unnaturally quiet during the meal and as the waiter was clearing away our empty plates I asked her if something was bothering her. She answered my question with a question.

"Have you thought about where you want to be in a couple of years?"

"No, not really."

"Well, I have. I think about it a lot. In two or three years I want to settle down, get married and have a couple of kids. The thing is I know me well enough to know that even after I'm married I'm still going to occasionally want to enjoy what a woman can give me. It wouldn't be a constant thing, maybe once a month or so, but I would want it. The problem with that of course is that I would have to have a husband who was open to it, a husband who wouldn't feel threatened by it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a man like that? I've only met one Rob. I've been bi since my senior year in high school and in the eight years since I graduated I've only found one man who has been able to accept it and we both know who that man is, don't we?"

I didn't have a clue as to what to say at that point so I thought it best to keep my mouth shut.

"My plan Rob, was to marry you in a couple of years."

I started to say something, but she held up her hand and said, "In a couple of years Rob, not now. I know you are not ready to get married again and I'm not really ready right now either, but when it is the right time I want the man to be you. I know that on the surface we have a pretty casual looking relationship, but it is truth time for me Rob. I love you. I have for quite some time now. I have no idea about how you feel about me. I don't know if I'm just an easy piece for you or if you have any feelings for me. It didn't matter because with a couple of years to work on you I was sure that I could make you fall in love with me. I say it didn't matter, but now, all of a sudden, it does."

"What has changed?"

"I've come to believe that you are never going to be able to commit to any woman other than Beth."

"That's just nonsense."

"Is it? I saw how you looked at her at the party when I met her. The night we had dinner at Mario's and she was there you looked at her every time you thought I wasn't looking at you. It is obvious that you still love her. I thought that after you had your talk with her she would realize it was over between the two of you and she would fade away, but that hasn't happened. She loves you and even if you won't have anything to do with her she is always going to hope that some day the two of you will get back together and she is always going to be close by."

"I think you are imagining things Sam."

"No I'm not Rob. I've been seeing her since the party, but it is obvious to me that the only reason she is seeing me is that it keeps her closer to you. Every time we get together she asks me how you are, how you are doing. The other day, just to see what would happen I told her you were sick and she got a stricken look on her face and I could see that she wanted to run to you and nurse you back to health."

"I keep telling you Sam, there is nothing there."

"I know you do Rob, but I also know that you are lying to me and to yourself. You love her Rob and you know you do. The only thing keeping the two of you apart is your stupid behavior toward what she did. It was perfectly reasonable for her to hide what she was doing from you Rob. I've seen how irrational people can be if there is even a hint of homosexuality around. She needed what she was getting from her girlfriend and was afraid of what you would do if you knew she was bi. She was afraid that if she told you you would be disgusted with her and drop her. She was between a rock and a hard place Rob. She loved you and didn't want to lose you, but she still needed that little extra something that you could not provide so she got it on the side. Big deal! It didn't cost you a damned thing Rob, not one damned thing. She loved you to death and she proved it every day. For God's sake Rob, she did what I'm doing and you have no problem with it. Oh shit! Listen to me! I sound like I'm trying to put the two of you back together."

"Yeah, that is pretty much what it sounds like. Just what is it you are trying to do?"

"Christ Rob; I don't know what I'm trying to do. Up until a month ago I lived life for the moment. I didn't think about what was down the road. Now, all of a sudden, I know what I want and I know where I want to be in a couple of years, but I don't know how in hell I'm going to make it happen. I want you Rob, but I'm still going to have my bi-sexual urges. That has been fine with you up until now, but the problem is that those urges are being taken care of by Beth and I want to keep having Beth taking care of them. How can I get what I want when what I want includes the two of you?"

I sat there looking at her and thinking, "How indeed?" She was right of course, at least about my still loving Beth. I could deny it to everyone else, but I couldn't deny it to myself. It was the reason I'd never gotten into another serious relationship - I couldn't commit because part of me still belonged to Beth. The friends with benefits relationship I had with Sam was the best I could do and it worked only because Sam didn't require me to commit to anything other than the moment.

"What are you thinking Rob?"

"The night of the party. The night I told you that you going after Beth would screw up what we had."

"It hasn't Rob. I'm keeping things separate like I always have. All I'm doing is talking about what I'm hoping for a little farther down the line. I guess what I was doing was trying to sound you out on the idea and then I went off on a tangent. What it boils down to Rob is that I want you, but I can't have what I want as long as you are hung up on Beth and she is still hung up on you. I need the two of you to work things out."

"Work things out? What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I think the two of you should get back together and see if you can't make things work out."

"That's dumb. No way I could do that; not after what she did."

"Oh bullshit Rob. What you are hung up on is not what she did, but on how you feel about cheating because of hot fudge sundaes."

"How the hell do you know about that?"

"Beth told me."

"Why would she do that?"

"Because she still loves you. If she can't have you she still wants you to be happy. She thinks you are happy with me so she told me so that I wouldn't do anything to trigger that cheating hogwash."

"Hogwash?"

"Yes Rob, hogwash. It isn't the cheating that is your big problem, it is the fact that you think you are responsible for your mom and dad being dead. You blame it on the fact that your mother cheated and you did nothing about it. Do you know why your mother was with other men? No, you don't. Was it because your dad cheated on her, she found out and was getting even? Did he have something wrong with him and he couldn't get it up and she needed to get sexual relief from someone else?

"You don't know if they had an open marriage. Maybe when he caught her it was with someone he hated and she should have known better than to be with that guy. You don't know Rob, you were way too young to know. Look at it from the other side. What if you had told him and he confronted her. Suppose they argued and he pushed her and she fell and hit her head and it broke her neck. Your dad goes to jail. What if they argued and your dad hit your mom and she grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him. He's dead and your mother goes to jail and all because you told. It wasn't your fault Rob and looking back and saying that you could have prevented it is just plain dumb. Put it behind you Rob and move on. Take Beth out on a date and see where it goes."

"What the hell do you hope to get out of it Sam?"

"Hopefully I'll end up with both of you and you both will be happy about it."

I shook my head at that and Sam said, "It could happen. Even if you got back together she will still want a woman's touch and that would be me. And if she played a little you should be able to also and again, that would be me. Or how about you don't get back together, but get to be friends, friends with benefits maybe. Then I marry you and she becomes "Our" friend with benefits. The possibilities are endless lover."

"Do you not realize that one of those endless possibilities could be that we put things back together and you get froze out?"

"I know it is a possibility baby, but like I said at the start of this conversation I can't have what I want as long as you and Beth are hung up on each other and doing nothing about it. I need it to go one way or the other."

"I just don't think I can do it Sam."

"You won't know until you try Rob."

++++++++++++++++++

That conversation stayed with me most of my waking moments of the next two weeks. I loved Beth; God knows I did, but I still couldn't see my way past what she had done. Look at it from any angle you wanted too and the bottom line is that she was sneaking around behind my back. She was lying to me about where she was going and what she was doing. How did I know that all those times were with her girlfriend? How did I know she wasn't seeing a guy sometimes too? If I asked her and she said no, how could I believe her after all the other lies she had told me. No! Regardless of what Sam wanted I could not bring myself to get together with Beth. A couple of times during that two week period Sam asked me if I had gotten together with Beth and I told her that I hadn't. She didn't say anything, but I could tell that she wasn't happy about it.

Sam and I had a standing date for Saturdays. I would pick her up, take her dinner and then a movie or out drinking and dancing and then we would go back to her place or mine and make whoopee. I rang the bell at six-thirty and Sam greeted me in her bathrobe. After closing the door behind me she opened the robe exposing her naked body and said:

"You like?"

Silly question I thought as I reached out and tweaked a nipple.

"I'm horny as hell tonight sweetie and I want to stay in. Why don't you go on in the bedroom and get naked for me. I'll be right there. Oh, by the way, the light is burned out and I don't have a spare bulb. You aren't afraid of the dark, are you?"

"I might be, just a little bit, until you get there and light up the room."

"Oh you sweet talker you. I'll hurry."

I went into the bedroom, stripped and then turned the covers down and got ready to enjoy the evening. It was maybe three minutes before the door opened and Sam came in. She said she was horny and it showed. Normally we kissed and necked for a bit, but not this time. She went straight to my cock and took it in her mouth. She licked and sucked on it for maybe a minute and then she moved up over me and slid down on my cock. I heard her gasp as she slid down on me and I was sorry that the light wasn't on because I liked looking at her facial expressions as I fed my cock into her.

She placed her hands on my chest and began raising and lowering herself. In less than a minute she was moaning and rocking back and forth as she pushed herself down hard on me. I was really enjoying the ride as Sam rarely got on top and did most of the work. Sam was slamming down on me when I heard it. The low keening sound that meant orgasm was only moments away. The low keening sound that I'd only ever heard from one woman - Beth! And then the familiar sharp cry and the fingers nails digging into my chest as she orgasmed and triggered my own climax. Her body spasmed and I felt her cunt muscles squeezing my cock and milking it as she fell forward onto my chest.

"Oh Sweet Jesus, did I ever need that" she murmured in my ear. "Please baby, please hold me."

She was lying on top of me and I was in that state that comes with just having been sexually satisfied so without even thinking I wrapped my arms around her and held her A minute or so went by and then I became aware that her left hand was moving down my body. I felt her fingers wrap around my cock and gently fondle it. It twitched and she rubbed it and it responded by trying to stiffen. Still holding my cock she rolled off me and moaned: