Shades of Blue

Mum was quiet for a few moments as she looked at the booking I had made. Then she said, in a very quiet, controlled voice, "Is there anything else I should know about?"

"No Mum" I said; "other than that, everything else is as I said before."

"You have booked the two of us into a room at a hotel, for tonight?" she said; "don't you think that was being a little bit presumptuous?"

"If you look, you will see I have booked a twin room, not a double" I said; "I hoped you would still trust me enough to be able to sleep in the same room as me. I know things got a little out of control earlier, but I promise, on my honour, you will be safe. I just thought it would look a bit strange if we are booked in as Mr and Mrs James, but had separate rooms".

"Mr and Mrs James?" exclaimed Mum.

"Well, I am not a little boy anymore, so to people at work I am 'Mr James', and you still use your married name, so you are still 'Mrs James', That's what I put on the booking form. Mr and Mrs James. It's not my fault if they then assume we are married, is it?" I said, and I grinned at her.

"You are a very naughty boy" said Mum.

"Not the Messiah then?" I joked, paraphrasing that famous line from 'The Life of Brian'.

"No!" She said with a grin; "definitely NOT the Messiah".

"I need to think about this, but now, I want to talk to you about this morning" she said; "I have to try and explain".

"There is no need Mum" I replied; "Look! I read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' before you, and although I stand by my opinion that it is not pornographic, it is a very erotic book. I don't want to shock you, but while reading it I wouldn't like to count the number of times I needed to .. shall we say 'ease the pressure', that the story had caused to build up. I would be amazed, because those scenes are so graphic, if you hadn't felt a similar pressure too. When I came in from tidying the shed, you were reading, what is, if I remember correctly, a very erotic passage. Thinking that you looked a little 'tense' I offered to massage your shoulders. While I was doing that I looked down and I could see down your top to the swell of your breasts – only as far as your bra, but they looked so beautiful that, without consciously meaning to, I had, err ... let's call it, 'a natural, physical reaction' to that view.

I then noticed you looked flushed, and your breathing was .. shall we say, a little different to normal. I realised that the book had, in some measure, turned you on, and with me massaging your neck and shoulders, it wasn't helping you in this situation. That was why I stopped, because I didn't want to embarrass you.

Then while we talked there was quite a high level of sexual tension in the room and we started teasing each other. I was trying to hide my 'physical reaction' and you were still breathing a little heavily. The teasing became a little more explicit than it should have, leading to both of us becoming ... let's say, a little ... over-excited? This raised the stakes in the explicit nature of the teasing, which raised the tension in the room even more, and that was when I kissed you on the lips, and that then lead to you kissing me. Obviously, along with everything else that led up to what happened between us, later, upstairs.

I didn't mean for that to happen, but I will not apologise for it either. It happened, and I loved it. I can't tell you how long I have wanted to kiss you like that and I just hope you can forgive me for taking advantage like I did.

The introduction of 'Anna' into the mix gave me an opportunity to push further into this 'forbidden territory', while blaming a fictional third party for what I was doing, and anything that might happen because of it.

I took advantage of this to kiss you in a way that a son would not normally kiss his mother. By our third kiss, you were responding to me so much, that between us, we actually created that third person, 'Anna'.

This raised our level of mutual excitement to the point where if we hadn't stopped it then, I am pretty sure we would have taken a step, which really would have taken things too far, and which you would have regretted later. We didn't go there and I think we are both stronger for having stopped before it got to that point.

Now we have both 'cooled off' a bit, we can look back and see what, I think, and I am sure you will agree, very nearly happened between us. Hopefully you can now remember it without too much embarrassment.

Now! I still want to take you, my beautiful mother, out for that romantic meal. You can call that whatever you like, but to me it is and always will be, a date.

I still have no intention, during that date, of calling you Mum or Mother, so I intend to stick with 'Anna', after all, when I did finally get to meet her she did seem to me to be a very nice girl" I said with a grin.

"Your comment about us not being seen together as Paul and Anna was duly noted, so I have booked a meal far enough away for that not to happen.

Because of the distance involved I decided it also made sense to book a room for the night, so we didn't have a long drive home after the meal. After all, we might both like to have a drink as well.

I asked for a twin room for 'Mr & Mrs James', so I am not trying to be, as you say, presumptuous, by suggesting that we sleep together. Changing clothes can be easily worked out by the person not changing; waiting in the bathroom, so preserving the modesty of the person changing.

I think that covers everything. Can you think of anything I have forgotten?" I asked.

Mum shook her head. "I think you have covered almost everything I have been concerned about" she said; "although I must admit when I saw that you had booked just one room for us, I nearly died from shock, but you do seem to have thought this through, and thought of almost everything."

"Now! Just so that I have all this clear in my mind. You say you have wanted to kiss me like that for some time, but you admit that a kiss like that says something a mother doesn't expect to hear from her son. You also say that if we had taken that step, 'I' would have regretted it later but now you hope that 'I' can remember it without embarrassment. You seem concerned about me, but what about your feelings about what happened?"

"These are things I think we need to be clear about before we go out tonight. Can you give me a few minutes, all this is happening much too fast for me to take in, and I need a few moments alone to compose myself before we continue. I think at this point we would both benefit from some time to collect our thoughts before we address where we go from here. I am going to my room to think about what you have said. Perhaps you could give me five minutes and then bring whatever you have bought for me today with you, to my room."

She stood up, "I would like you to do one thing for me now though Paul" she said; "this declaration of your feelings has come as something of a shock, as I am sure you can understand. Do you think you could just put your arms around me and hold me, just for a moment? I don't know what to think, but at this moment I feel I just need someone to hold me."

Standing up, I carefully put my arms around her and hugged her to me. For a couple of minutes we stood like that, in the centre of the lounge. I could feel she was shaking but it felt wonderful just to be holding Mum like that.

Even though I was so nervous about her response to what I had said, I couldn't control my 'physical response' to holding her, with her body pressed against mine. I also couldn't get out of my mind that this might be the last time I ever got to hold her like this.

Mum stepped away from me and looked into my eyes, "Thank you for that Paul" she said quietly.

Her voice sounded strange and in that moment, as she turned and went to the stairs, I was sure that my world was about to collapse around me.

"Five minutes, Paul" she said; "I will be waiting".

I sat there for those five minutes, basically scared out of my wits that I had destroyed our relationship for ever, but glad that I had at last brought out into the open my feelings for her, which I knew went way beyond the usual feelings a boy is supposed to have for his mother.

I went up to my room and picked up the bags I had bought in M&S, walked along the landing to my mother's room and tapped gently on the closed door.

--------------

"Yes, come in" she answered in a quiet voice.

Mum was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking very nervous. The bedroom curtains were drawn and there was just a small light on, on the bedside table.

"Come in Paul" she said; "close the door".

I closed the door behind me and came and stood before her, feeling like a naughty schoolboy in front of the headmistresses.

"Are those the things you have bought for me?" she asked in a quiet, controlled voice.

"Yes Mum" I replied.

"Put them here" she said, patting the bed cover beside her; "I will look at them in a few moments, when we have cleared the air a little".

I put the bags down on the bed where she had indicated. Mum then held out her hands, took mine in them and with a slight downward pressure indicated that she wanted me to come down to her level, putting our faces on the same level as we talked. I knelt on the floor in front of her, looking into her eyes, dreading what she might say.

"You have been very honest about your feelings for me" she said. "You are not a fool, you obviously understand that the feelings you say you have for me, are not those a boy is supposed to feel towards his mother".

"Yes Mum I am well aware of that," I said; "but I can't help how I feel. It wasn't easy for me to tell you, but after this morning I couldn't just allow everything to carry on as if nothing had happened. What happened his morning brought my feelings out into the open and forced me to admit to myself what, if I am being truthful, I have always known .... That I love you.

However much we might wish we could, I know we can't turn back the clock and return to how we were before. You have brought me up to be honest, and it would have been dishonest of me to have tried to pretend that nothing happened when both you and I know it did. We both know, obviously, it will have totally altered our relationship in the future.

You know that I love you! Of course you have always known that, but you now know I love you, not just as a boy loves his mother, but as a man loves a woman.

I do understand, now you might be uncomfortable with me being here, and you might be going to tell me I have to move out and get a place of my own. That I can't stay here now that I have confessed how I feel about you".

"Is that what you want Paul?" she asked quietly.

"No Mum!" I replied; "I love you and want to be near you, but if I am living here, I thought it would make you uncomfortable, so it might be what you want".

"These feelings haven't just arrived today have they? How long have you felt this way about me?"

"I think I first knew how I felt about you when I was about 12", I said; "but more recently, maybe in the last year or so, they have been getting more intense. I see you around the house and I long to put my arms round you and hold you, but of course I can't, because I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for you if I did".

"You mean that 'natural physical reaction' you spoke about? I did notice it when you held me just now, downstairs"

"That would be a part of it, yes, but if I were to hold you like that, I would want to kiss you too, and as Cher put it in song 'how do you know if he loves you so? It's in his kiss'.

I wouldn't have been able to hide how I felt, as you must have realised from when we kissed this morning.

After we kissed this morning, and you responded as you did, I knew I had to get right away from the house so I could think. You knew now, how I felt about you, and just for those few wonderful moments I dared to dream that you might have similar feelings for me. That's when I knew I had to get away to give us both time to cool down

.

Kissing you like I did was inexcusable, I know that. Only a lovesick fool wouldn't have realised that doing so took what was 'a bit of teasing' into a whole new arena, but perhaps that is what I am, a lovesick fool.

Then, as I thought about it, I couldn't get it out of my mind that I was trying to almost trick you into a situation that wasn't right. I couldn't continue; knowing I was taking advantage of you, having played on what was your momentary vulnerability arising from your own 'natural physical response' to that book.

That was why I asked you to come downstairs for a chat. Why I couldn't allow myself to touch you, not even hold your hand, as we spoke. Why I had to tell you how I felt about you, whatever the consequences might be".

"If we could turn back the clock, would you want to?" she asked, very quietly.

"I honestly don't know what I want" I replied; "my head is saying 'You could lose everything here, let's go back to how things were' - but my heart says 'I love you and I can't pretend I don't', so I am being torn apart by what I feel.

I am glad I have now told you how I feel and it's out in the open, between us. What has been said can't be un-said. You know how I feel and you can't now 'not know' something like that.

If you decide I have to leave, it is something I must accept and whatever then becomes of our relationship, I know it's my own fault".

I could see a tear in Mums eyes as she looked at me. I was sure that she was going to tell me I had to go. Then she took a deep breath and, taking my hands in hers, said;

"I want you to tell me something, completely honestly now Paul. I want the truth ... No hiding, the honest truth!

Assuming I accept all you have said, and then say I don't want you move out, but I am your mother and these feelings you have for me, must never be allowed to surface, ever again. Could you live with that?"

"I would try Mum" I said; "but if I found that I couldn't, I would have to make the decision to move out myself. I would still remain your loving son, but one who everyone else would think had moved out to have a little bit of independence. To do otherwise would hurt you, and I could never, as I said this morning, hurt you. I will always be there for you, no matter what happens, or what you now think of me."

"On your honour now Paul, if we decide that you are going to stay, under the conditions I have just described, but if one evening, I fall asleep on the sofa and this happens" and she slowly allowed her knees to come apart; "how do you think you would respond?"

"I hope I would have the moral strength to either leave the room, or to do this, Mum" I said, as I put my hands on the outside of her knees and gently pressed them together again.

"Thank you that was what I hoped you would do".

Then she sat there, silent for maybe a minute or minute and a half, before in a quiet, husky voice said;

"Now I have to address the problem of 'Anna'. You have been completely honest with me and the least I can do is to be the same with you.

This morning, 'Anna' had arrived long before we started teasing each other. She slipped out of that book into my mind and caused me to behave in a way I should have been ashamed of, but I wasn't.

I know you saw what I did, because as I recovered, out of the corner of my eye, I saw your shadow in the hall as you slipped back into the kitchen. You spared my blushes by pretending you had just come in and hadn't seen anything, and for saving my embarrassment like that, I must thank you.

Anna was almost on the point of disgracing herself again as you massaged my shoulders, but you realised I was becoming aroused again, and stopped before it happened. Again, I thank you for your consideration for my feelings.

Then we came up here, to my bedroom, for you to select the dress for tonight, and you kissed me!

Oh My God! I didn't know what had hit me. My brain just scrambled. My knees went weak and if you hadn't supported me and helped me to the bed to sit down, I think I would have fallen.

You were so considerate and understanding, and I was so shaken and confused by the feelings running riot inside me I couldn't even speak. Then, when you asked if you could kiss me again, I just nodded.

After that second kiss, I knew then, that you were feeling the same as me. As you, and Cher, put it 'It's in his kiss' and it was there in yours. I still didn't trust myself to speak, so when you said 'Hello Anna', I just held you, afraid to say anything, afraid that if I let myself go, what I was feeling would have come out and allowed 'Anna' to take over.

Then you kissed me again and that was it, I was lost. When you said 'Hello Anna' again I did manage to reply, with just that one word 'Hello'.

Again you were so kind. You asked me, as Anna, if I would go out with you. I managed to say 'yes I would', and then you mercifully let me calm down and return to being your mother, with no recriminations, no taking advantage of what had just happened to me, and you must have known how I was feeling, just as I did about you.

That was when I became absolutely certain about the real feelings you had for me. Not just from the kiss, but in the love and concern you showed for me at that moment.

That young man you said wanted a date with me, or any other man than you, would have gone for it and taken me. But you didn't. And you must have known, if you had kissed me like that, again, you could have had me. I had no resistance, I was yours for the taking, but instead you just held my hands while I recovered. You could have taken that 'next step', as you called it, right then and there and I would have welcomed you into my arms and my bed.

May God forgive me! I wanted you to take that step. My whole being wanted that next kiss and for you to make love to me. I wanted it so much. I don't think I have never in my life wanted anything as much as I wanted you to hold me, kiss me, lay me back on this bed and make love to me.

Now you know why I was hiding in the bathroom when you came home. Why I have been crying. How can I even hope there can be any future for us?

How you could find the courage to tell me how you feel, when l have been hiding in the bathroom because I didn't have the courage to tell you the same?

So! Now I am speaking to you, as Anna. Your date for tonight, who has already admitted that she absolutely loved your kisses and who, you now know, wanted so much more.

If that same scenario that I just suggested, happened, after what I have just said, knowing what I have just said, how do you think you would behave then?" Once again she allowed her knees to fall open.

I took a deep breath before speaking. "I would first of all wake you up Mum, but then ... " I placed my hands on her knees and pressed them gently in the opposite direction to last time, spreading them wider, leaning forward and placing tiny kisses on the inside of her knees, alternating between her right and left thigh as I moved slowly higher, pushing up her skirt with my head as I went. I could smell her arousal getting stronger the nearer I came to the apex of her thighs. My nose touched the thin strip, of already damp cotton material between her thighs, pressing the material between the lips of her sex. I tilted my head back and kissed her there, pressing my lips to her, touching the cotton with my tongue, licking gently, tasting my own mothers sweet sexual juices.

I then sat back on my heels with my head bowed, closing her knees together with my hands as I waited for her reaction to what I had just done.

She put her finger under my chin and raised my head so that I was looking into her eyes. Then she put her hands on my arms and moved herself forward to the edge of the bed, drawing me towards her. Her knees spread again, but this time it was so that our bodies could come together as our lips met in, what I can only describe as a kiss that totally eclipsed those three we had tasted that morning. My erection, still enclosed in my trousers, pressed against her, where I had kissed her, moments before, and she held me tightly to her. As she broke the kiss, she put her lips close to my ear, and whispered;