Sketching Sophie

"You're so talented," she observed, after some time.

"She really is, she's a joy to watch," agreed the barman.

"Stop it, both of you," I murmured, flushing.

"What was that?" Sophie asked, nodding to my drink. "G&T?"

"It was," the barman replied, reaching for a glass.

"Two of those then please," she said with a smile, as she climbed onto the stool adjacent to me and leaned her chin on her hand.

"Two?" I glanced at her, suspicious.

"One for me, one for you," she replied, innocent.

"I already have my one drink."

"One drink by yourself, you promised to have one drink with me. Don't blame me that you started early," she said, tossing her mane, amused.

"Sophie..." I whined.

She accepted the drinks from the barman, and slid to the floor. She linked her arm with mine and applied gentle pressure. "Come on, Kay. Let's find a booth."

And against my amused, half-hearted protests, she removed me from my stool and led me to a corner, where she sat down next to me, body pressed to me as if we were in a jammed tube carriage despite the empty space around us.

And for once in my life I felt no desire to shift away.

-

"Oh god you are evil."

"Sorry not sorry," she cackled.

We stumbled up to street level, and cowered behind a bus stop as a gust of wind blew through.

"Fuck it's cold," Sophie complained. "Come on then!"

We set off, our gaits merging naturally, Sophie laughing raucously next to me as another gust blew through and we staggered against it.

"Sophie, shh, you'll wake everyone up!"

"The night is young," she sang, badly out of tune. I cringed, laughing. "Sophie!"

"Wake up everyone, wake up, wake up!" she sang again, louder and even more out of tune if that were possible, and I had to lean against a wall to avoid falling over at the helpless giggles that took me.

"Oh, oh, you are strange," I hiccoughed, trying to recover some sort of control.

"Mad as a broken clock, me," she agreed, as she draped an arm around me and levered me up. "Come on Kay, it's cold and I'm going to start peeing icicles if I don't get home soon."

Laughing like hyenas, we staggered to our crossroads, where she gave me a long hug. "See you in the morning, strumpet," she said with a lilting laugh.

"Strumpet?" I protested.

"Tart," she amended. She looked up at me, then smiled and shook her head. She turned and walked away, and I huddled into my coat, waiting for her wave.

Then I made my way home, snuck indoors, somewhat scandalised by and yet still rather envious of the faint thumps and moans coming from Sue's room.

I drank some water, set my alarms and named Sophie one or two unmentionable names for the hangover that I knew was coming. I made myself some cereal for supper, and ate it while staring at the peeling kitchen wall. Then I snuck upstairs, tiptoed past Sue's harlot cave, and closed my door behind me.

I changed into my pyjamas and lay, restless, my head full of her, of the image of her sitting at the bar, chin on her hand, smiling that small Mona Lisa smile at me. Thinking of the shape of her, the way she'd come to fill my world, my thoughts so profoundly. As a lonely, arty misfit with no local friends, the warmth she and her coterie had extended to me felt like a glimmering lifeline in a dark storm.

I fell asleep dreaming of her smile.

-

"I am not talking to you, and neither is my liver."

She smiled up at me. "And a good morning to you too."

I shuddered. "I feel like death."

"You look better than death."

"Not by much, I'm willing to bet," I said, as we made our way down to the platform. Somehow we found two unoccupied chairs, and Sophie took up her place with her head against my shoulder as we shook and juddered our way into the city. And once again, I felt a deep regret as I said goodbye and turned to go.

She caught my hand. I stopped, arched a curious eyebrow.

"Kay?"

"Yes?"

"Lunch today?"

"Will you be able to make it this time?" I said, archly.

"I'll try," she said, with a small smile. "Meet at Francesco's, on Ludgate hill?"

"Ok. Half past twelve work?"

"Yeah. I'll... see you there."

"See you later, Soph."

I walked off, and this time it was me who turned to wave, and she who stood watching.

Sheer bloody mindedness got me through the morning, with close air support provided by a battalion of the roughest, toughest espressos the office had to offer. Noon rolled slowly, blessedly through, and I stumbled down the stairs to make for my lunch date with Sophie.

The street outside was bright and harsh, and I fished my dad's battered aviators out of my bag to help me. It was a short walk, but my head was pounding by the time I found the cafe, which was tastefully decorated with flowers, stock photos, and an art installation titled "Sophie, slumped at a corner table".

"I just want you to know," I said, glaring down at her, "that my liver has given formal notice that it intends to secede."

She laughed up at me, then winced. "Ow. Jesus, I have a headache. I am dropping gin. It is vile stuff."

I flumped down next to her. "From now on, we shall stick to Absinthe."

Sophie made noises not dissimilar to a cat coughing up a hairball, and I laughed at her.

Lunch passed in a pained daze, our panini and coffees giving us punctuation for our stream of consciousness conversation.

"What are your plans tonight?" she asked, softly, as I stood to go.

"Home. Brahms and Mendelssohn and my paints."

"Multitalented girl." She looked up at me, hesitant. "I don't suppose... "

"What?" I asked, suspiciously.

"I don't have any plans tonight. Could I... twist your rubber arm for a drink after work?"

"Soph..."

"One drink, Kay? I swear, pixie honour."

I narrowed my eyes at her. Sue would be out, I'd have the entire house to myself for one rare evening...

Sophie fluttered her eyelashes at me, and I knew I'd lost.

"You are evil," I sighed. "One drink. Then home, Brahms, bed."

She smiled and mouthed "thank you," and I blushed, trying not to smile.

-

"Oh god oh god why do you do this to me," I groaned.

"Sorry, I don't remember holding you down and pouring booze down you," she slurred.

We staggered, steering home only by average, Sophie under my arm and propping me up. We came to a junction and stopped to pause for breath.

"I had a really nice night tonight," Sophie said softly.

"It's been fun but I need that organ transplant now," I said. "And possibly a new brain in the morning."

"Mm."

"Oh god, Soph, don't let go of me," I begged as she released me in order to tuck away an errant waft of hair. "I'll fall over with the other leaves and won't be able to get up and they'll sweep me away..."

She laughed. "You're a flower, not a leaf, pumpkin." she said as she caught my arm again.

"Squash."

"What?"

"I'm far too weird to be a pumpkin. I'm a squash. Or a calabash. A gourd."

She looked at me, shaking her head. "And they call me mad," she observed.

"S'true."

We stood for a moment, staring at one another. Then she shook her head, gently, snapping herself out of some reverie.

"What is it, Soph?"

"Just like being out with you," she said softly.

"I've had fun. It makes a lovely change to my usual routine."

"Kay?"

"Mm."

She took a breath, then pulled me to her. She stood up on her toes and kissed me, full on the lips.

I staggered, steadied myself against a railing, heart suddenly hammering in my chest.

"Soph, what... what are you doing?"

"I would have thought that was obvious," she said softly. She stared up at me, frowning. "Kay?"

"Feeling really unsteady," I whispered.

"Oh. Ok. I'm sorry... I didn't... Come. Let's get you home."

I could instantly tell I'd hurt her, I could feel how stiff she suddenly was, and it felt like a red hot knife was twisting in my heart. I groped for her, desperate to explain.

"Soph, please..."

"Not now, Kay, let's get you home."

"Soph, I've never been with anyone!" I gasped.

She stopped, turned to me, incredulous. "What? Kay? What's wrong? Oh. Oh Jesus. Kay... no, please, please don't cry, not here, not now. Come. Come, my mum's house is nearby. Come, sweetie. Lean on me, lets get you inside and warm."

"I'm sorry," I sobbed.

"Shh now, Kay. Shh."

She steered us, supporting me, down a series of roads, through a gate, up a short flight of stairs, and in through a battered door. She kept an arm around me as she helped me out of my coat, and my shoes, then guided me to the kitchen, where she installed me at her kitchen table.

"I'm sorry," I hiccoughed again, scrubbing at my face.

"Stop. Stop it, you stop it right now," she hissed low and furious. "Stop it or I'm going to scream."

I gulped, swallowed. She went down on a knee, and hugged me hard. "This is on me. I've treated you abominably. I thought... I thought you were into girls. I'm sorry for fucking things so badly."

"I've... never been into anyone," I shuddered. "Nobody was ever... interested. I've never... you're the first... I'd never even been kissed till you did that..."

"Oh Jesus, what the fuck," she whispered. She hugged me harder. "Christ, Kay, I'm so sorry for doing this to you."

"Soph?" I managed after a while.

"Yes?"

"Can I... have some tea?"

She brushed her face on a sleeve, then sighed. "Coming right up."

"Please don't burn yourself," I said softly.

"I'd deserve it," she said, bitter.

She boiled the kettle and stood, hunched and closed off, staring out of the window. Then she shook her head, steeped my tea, and brought it to me with a wan smile.

"Here," she said softly. "Listen, Kay, I... I don't think you should go home right now. And I'm too drunk and far too fucked up now to make it home after walking you home, so... do you want to stay the night?"

"What?"

"No funny business," she added, with a wry grin. "I have a day bed in my room that we can fold out for you, and there are blankets enough for both of us in the linen cupboard."

I looked up at her, and nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

I spent a long, lonely, confused night listening to her breathing, as a band of hopelessness ratcheted tighter across my heart. Once, I thought I heard her crying softly, but I couldn't be sure, and I was too unsettled to reach out.

Somehow I eventually fell asleep.

-

"Morning, mum. This is Kay. Kay, mum."

"Is this Kay who did the drawing?"

Sophie's mum looked like an older copy of her daughter, and she smiled warmly at me as I admitted to being Kay who did the drawing. She nodded at the kitchen wall, where my sketch of Sophie hung in pride of place.

"Nobody's ever captured her like that," she said softly. "Sophie breaks cameras. So this is something marvellous to have. You're really talented, Kay."

I mumbled my thanks, blushing.

"Kay ran afoul of my penchant for gin, Mum," Sophie said as she started rattling pots onto the stove. "I installed her in my day bed to prevent her coming to grief."

"Sophie Williams, fie. I've told you before, guests get your bed and you get the day bed. Honestly," she continued with a wink to me, "You're incorrigible."

"Love you too, mum," Sophie said, sticking out her tongue and then laughing. "Mum thinks I'm completely uncivilised."

"Certainly not socially adept," Sophie's mum agreed. "Lost cause, that."

I felt like an interloper in what was obviously an intense mother-daughter bond, but as Sophie started to cook egg and bacon and sourdough toast I felt myself relaxing somewhat. Sophie's mum poked and prodded at me, and before long she'd decided that she approved of me. Behind her, Sophie gave me a grinning thumbs-up.

I sat, still somewhat raw, unsure after the previous evening. I desperately needed to talk to Sophie, but there was no time or space, not with her mum there, and so I did the best I could at pretending to be a social creature, despite the hard, tight pain in my chest, and the conflict that raged in me every time I looked at her.

I think Sophie knew, because she sat next to me as we ate the breakfast she'd made us, and the gentle pressure of her leg against mine gave me strength.

-

"Bye girls, have fun!"

"Bye mum", Sophie called.

She closed the door, took my arm and we set off, gaits falling into pattern in a way I now thought of as normal. Sophie steered us towards the Common, and I was content to let her lead. I was intensely nervous, unsure of how to break the horrible silence that stretched out as we walked slowly between the tall oak trees.

"Where are we going?" I asked, softly, eventually.

"Nowhere and everywhere. It feels like we need a moment of sanity. Some air."

She glanced over at me, a frown creasing the smooth skin of her forehead. "I know it's a stupid question, but... are you ok, Kay?"

"Not really," I said softly. "Not very much at all."

She kicked an acorn, sending it skittering off into the grass. "I'm so fucking sorry for last night. I really fucked it up. I'm sorry for misreading everything so badly."

We walked on in silence a bit longer. Then Sophie sighed and steered us to a bench. She helped me sit, then sat down next to me, tucking her legs up under her once more.

"Say what's on your mind," she said softly. "Don't hold back."

"I'm... " I sighed, took a breath, started again. "Christ... where do I even start? I've never been... noticed. Never been anything but the tall, awkward arty misfit that nobody sees or wants to see. School... school was really lonely for me. I didn't fit in." I stopped, sighed. "University was easier. I found a small circle of other lost souls, formed some friendships. They accepted me for who I was. Or who they thought I was, at least," I sighed again. "I didn't set out to paint a hex on my back but I may as well have. At a certain point it just became easy to be alone. I told myself... I told myself it was by choice..."

Sophie tilted her head to one side. "You've really never been with anyone, Kay? Nobody?"

"Not even a kiss until now," I said, closing my eyes. My chest felt tight, and I shuddered as Sophie leaned against me. "Does your mum know?" I breathed.

Sophie sighed. "Yeah. Mum knows. She was the first person I told when I worked it out. I was fifteen, and scared. She set me straight, told me to be me as hard as I could be, and that she'd never not be proud to call me her daughter. I could never have come out without her support. School..." she shook her head. "There was a wolf-pack of girls at my school. They got wind another girl was a lesbian... she had to leave. I'd never have made it without mum. As you said, Uni was easier, more adult, more accepting. School was hell."

"I'm sorry for last night, for how I reacted. I'm sorry for hurting you."

"You didn't hurt me, Kay, I hurt myself. I misread things."

I pulled my knees up to my chest and held them, swallowing hard. "That's not... I don't..."

"Kay?"

"I don't know who I am or... what I am," I said, shivering. "I don't know who or what I want. All I know is..."

"What?" she prompted softly, after a while.

"You make me feel breathless. Lightheaded. Excited. Terrified. I don't know what this is. I've never felt anything like this. Never."

She shifted, looked at me, considered me.

"Kay, I'm going to ask you an extremely serious question."

"Ok," I breathed.

"Do you like spending time with me?"

"Yes, more than anything," I whispered.

"Do you want to carry on spending time with me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me?"

I nodded, too scared to speak.

"Ok," she breathed softly. "Ok, I'll take that."

She leaned in against me, and I closed my eyes as she gently laid her head against my shoulder and simply stayed there, quietly breathing.

"Come," she said, after a while. "Let's get you home."

I sighed. "Can't we just stay here, where it's uncomplicated?"

She snorted, and I could feel the laughter that shook her. "Life with me is anything but uncomplicated, Kay."

"Promise?" I whispered, after a while.

She lifted her head and looked at me for a moment. "Come," she said, as she kissed my cheek. "I'm going to do things as slowly as I know how, and you are going to tell me the minute anything I do makes you uncomfortable."

"Okay."

"I mean it. I'd never forgive myself if I chased someone as special as you away due to my impetuousness."

"Special? Me?"

"Oui," she breathed, as she reached up to gently touch my cheek.

She walked me home, gave me a long hug goodbye and another chaste kiss. "God, I love your eyes," she said, softly. "I could drown in them." She turned and set off homewards. I waved to her when she glanced back, and then let myself into the flat, feeling off-balance, weak and yet somehow strangely alive.

I climbed the stairs to my room, rummaged for my paints, tacked a sheet of card to my easel, and started to paint. I worked quickly and accurately, desperate now to capture the vision of her from the night before, smiling at me from the barstool adjacent to me. Slowly she took form, and as she did, I knew, knew that this would be my best work, that I had captured the essence of her beauty, of her pose, her smile, everything about her that was now becoming so precious to me.

And then, as the day faded to deep evening, I sat back, drained. The work was incomplete, but I had enough of it down that I could afford to rest without fear that I'd lose the sense of her.

My phone beeped, and I sighed as I stood up to stretch.

- You're very quiet -

- I've been painting - I replied.

- What have you been painting? -

- It's a secret. You'll have to come and see tomorrow. -

- Now I'm really curious... -

I smiled as I lay down on my bed and dialled her.

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know," I said by way of greeting.

"Can't blame me, I've been missing you all afternoon, and have exhausted my ability to give you space."

I smiled again. "Sorry, I was answering the call of my muse."

"Tell that bitch she's overdue at mine, I haven't written a thing worth committing to paper in the last month."

I rolled onto my side. "I'm sorry for spazzing out on you."

"You had every reason to," she returned softly. "Most girls would have run, screaming, or would have punched me. You just needed time to think."

"Well, I wish you were here right now. I miss... I miss the lightness of being you bring me."

"It's a good thing I'm not there if you're going to start talking like that," she said after a moment.

"Why?"

"Because I'd struggle to keep my grubby paws off of you."

A zing, a tingle; I took a breath.

"Kay?"

"Sorry, just spazzing out again."

She laughed, soft and throaty. "You are delicious when you do that."

"Stop it," I whispered. "You're making me blush."

"I'd make you more than blush if I could," Sophie breathed. "Oh, the things I'd do to you."

A ache in my tummy, I felt myself squeezing my legs together.

"Kay, you're very quiet all of a sardine."

"Just... feeling really strange. Weak, giddy..."

"You ok?"

"Yeah, it's just, your voice is giving me goosebumps and it's so nice."

She chuckled. "Well, I'm flattered... but then, you're not able to see what I'm doing right now."

I swallowed. "What... are you doing?"

"Not going to tell you," she breathed, a strange catch in her voice. "Don't want to scare you off..."

Another shiver down my spine, another little gasp for air.

"Kay," she breathed.

"Uhuh."

"Do you ever... touch yourself?"

"No," I said, with a shiver. "Not for... years..."

"Why not?"

"Never felt the... need. Never... seemed worth the effort. Always left me feeling... empty I guess. Lonelier."

"Mm. I bet you need it now though."

"I don't know what this is I'm feeling..."

"Warm? Restless? Tightness in your belly?"

"Yes," I whimpered.

"Slip a hand down to yourself..."