Survivor's Remorse

"I have no idea who that is," I said.

"Until about three days ago, I'd have bet my seat in heaven that it was you and Wendy," he said. "It's always been that way. But now she's at my house, crying her eyes out and you haven't called her once. What exactly did you do to her? Wait, before you answer that one ... Why the hell do you seem so calm? You should be busting your ass trying to get her to forgive you."

"I probably should," I said, keeping my voice neutral.

"Something's wrong here, son," he said. "From the first time I laid eyes on you, I was a little bit scared. Not physically ... I wasn't intimidated by you, you were just as friendly as you could be. But I had the distinct feeling that you were going to be the one who took my baby away from me. And Damned if you didn't. But now I'm kinda scared all over again that you're gonna give her back ... And my baby is gonna be miserable." He sighed.

"You know Vee, as the pastor of my church; I'm often called upon to help couples with their marital issues. So if there's something you need to get off of your chest ... You can trust me. I may seem like an old fatherly type, but believe me ... I've heard it all. Whatever you're going through, I've heard it before," he said.

"Dad, it isn't my place to say," I said. "If you want to find out what happened, you're going to have to ask Wendy."

"Okay, Vee, I'm going to do exactly that," he said. "I'll talk to you soon."

For the rest of the afternoon, I worked as hard as I could. I checked on the other guys in our department to make sure that they had everything they needed to work on their projects. I did this without asking them if they were on time to make their deadlines. I hated it when my boss did that to me. I wanted to let them know that I was there to support them, but without looking over their shoulders or putting any additional pressure on them.

They were all professionals. If they thought they were going to be late, they all knew enough to tell me early. The earlier I knew about a problem the better the chances that I could get them additional help or resources. It also gave us a chance to let the customer know earlier, so they could plan for it as well.

There were a couple of problems that I needed to handle. One was from a team that needed a very exotic type of metal that we didn't stock, for their prototype. I got Darwin to handle that. It was two hours later that I found out that Darwin had tried to stab me in the back.

The other problem was easier to handle. Another team needed more drawings done than they could handle in the time remaining. That was easy; I took some of their detail work and added it to my list. A few of the other prints I gave to a couple of our more talented interns, with instructions to show every completed layer to the team leader.

I ended up staying later than usual at work that evening. It gave me a chance to draw some of those extra prints and also to stay on schedule on my own projects. At five o'clock on the dot, Darwin who was, of course, leaving poked his head in my office with a message for me. Mr. Whittaker, the owner of the company wanted to meet with me at my earliest convenience.

I called his office in the main building downtown and spoke to his secretary. She sounded really nice. "He's already on his way home. He just left," she said. "When would you like to meet with him? How about first thing in the morning?"

"How early does he get in?" I asked.

"Usually around ten or so," she said.

"I was hoping for an eight o'clock slot or earlier," I said. "I'm trying to do the things my boss usually does and my work too so I'm ..."

"Are you still at the plant?" she asked.

"I'm gonna be here for at least another hour or two," I told her.

"Sit tight, Honey," she said. "I'll get back to you."

About forty minutes later, the door o my office opened. I thought it was one of the other guys who'd stayed late like I was.

"Let me just save this layer and I'll be right with you," I said.

"Take your time," he said. I went into shock. I recognized the voice from our company Christmas parties, when the bonus checks were given out.

"Sorry Sir," I said turning to face him.

"Irving Dallbinger," he smiled. "I'm told by Frank that you answer to Vee?"

I just nodded. "Vee, why are you still here?" he smiled.

"I'm trying to help out while Frank is away," I said. "But I already had a full load on my plate. And I've had to take on a few more prints from one of the other teams to make sure they finish their project on time and ..." He held up his hand for me to stop.

"Vee, you're one of our best engineers. Frank is always talking about the way you did this or that. We also got a lot of very good feedback from the conference in Chicago. Your presentation drummed up a lot of new business. I have two orders of business to handle with you and then I'll leave you to it.

The first is a word of advice. As I said before, you're a great engineer, but as a manager, you're going to need an additional set of tools and experience in using them. Here's your first new tool. Delegate ... Find the people on your team who are less busy and give THEM more to do. Trying to handle more will make them better. It's good for their development and it makes the team stronger. In some cases you'll find out that your people are capable of far more than you asked of them. In other cases you'll discover your weak links. When you find those weak links ... Do yourself and THEM a favor and get rid of them.

"I'm only doing this temporarily," I said. "But I'll remember your advice for the future."

"Vee today is the future," he said. "While Frank was in traction ... It was a really lucky thing ... They discovered that he has Prostate Cancer. It's in an early stage so it's easily cured, but Frank is already 59 years old. They want to let the leg heal before they do the surgery. After the surgery there will probably be radiation or chemo for whatever the surgery missed. Frank is going to be out for a while. He's a good guy. He thinks rather highly of you too. So when he comes back I'm going to move him into a more advisory position. He will report directly to the board so we get information on what's going in on our various departments more directly. You'll still have a lot of contact with him."

"Wow that sounds like a great job!" I said. "He deserves it."

"So effective tomorrow morning you'll be taking over for him permanently," he said.

"Me?" I said in surprise. He nodded.

"That brings me to my second task," he said. "Do you remember those tools I told you that you would have to learn to use?"

"Delegation is the first one," I said. He smiled.

"You'll learn others as you attend the managers meetings," he said. "You'll probably have several of the other managers volunteer to mentor you until you gain experience. But anyway ... I have those same tools. One of them that I experimented with has proven problematic.

The reason I wanted to meet with you was because I received some very interesting information today from Darwin. He told me that you wanted to order some very expensive metal for the prototype for one of our customer's parts. He told me that if I wanted he would inform you that we can make the parts from steel or aluminum that we already have in stock. Not only will it save us time, but it will save us money. He also told me that you had a meeting with an outside attorney on our premises."

"It was on my lunch hour," I said. "I thought it would save time for me to bring her here, so I could keep working." He lifted an eyebrow.

"I'm going through a divorce," I said. "And we need to make the prototypes out of the same metal the parts will be made from so we learn everything we need to know about the tool paths and wear and tear on the cutters. The additional cost for the metal comes from the customer's costs not ours."

"Vee, you run your department as you see fit," he said. "I offered you the job already. What I need you to do is fire Darwin. He was an experiment. I wanted to see if a pure business type would be helpful in a management situation only. The problem is that he knows almost nothing about what we do, and he doesn't seem to be adapting.

"But he does seem to be bringing some of HIS petty backstabbing and In-fighting into MY business and I can't tolerate that. Besides, now that you know that he went behind your back to tell on you, it only serves to show that you can't trust him. Would you really feel comfortable with him in your office? You can find your own assistant." He turned and headed for the door.

As he got to the doorway he turned and smiled at me. "Good Luck," he said. "Oh, don't forget to stop by the main building as early as possible tomorrow. I'm sure the people in HR will have all kinds of paperwork for you to fill out concerning your new position."

I was floored. I sat down and the biggest smile broke out on my face. I couldn't wait to get home and tell Wendy. Then I remembered that there was no Wendy at home waiting for me. I also remembered why. That seemed to flip some sort of switch in my mind. I picked up the phone and called my lawyer. I told her to go ahead and have the papers served. It just made sense. There were so many new things going on in my life. Cleaning up my wreck of a marriage and starting fresh in my personal life seemed to make sense.

* * * * * *

Wendy

I was lying on my bed. It was the only thing I seemed to be able to do lately. I had no energy and I barely ate. My life was a shambles.

I heard the doorbell ring and a few moments later my mom came to get me.

"Wendy, there's a young woman downstairs to see you," she said. Her look spoke of concern and sorrow. What I was going through was bothering my mom nearly as much as it was me.

I wiped away my tears and went down the stairs. A young woman stood there. She looked like a college student and a really pretty one. She had long thick blond hair that was all swept to one side in an incredible pony tail. She was politely chatting with my dad and when she saw me she smiled at me. And then her face changed. It was as if she could sense my sadness and she empathized with me.

She was chewing gum and as she began to speak, she stopped. She didn't take the gum out. She may have swallowed it. "Hi," she said compassionately. "Are you Wendy Dallbinger?"

"Yes," I said. My voice surprised me. I sounded dead. I sounded as if every bit of life had been sucked out of me.

"Wendy, I'm sorry I have to do this. Maybe you're expecting it ... At any rate it's my job," she reached into her briefcase and took out a packet of papers. She handed them to me. "I really hope everything works out for you. Have a good day." And then she turned and left the house.

I looked over the papers and went even deeper into shock. The neatly stacked documents dropped from my nerveless fingers and fluttered downwards, scattering like leaves in the wind.

My dad dropped to his knees to pick them up as I almost collapsed from the sudden weakness in my knees.

"What is it?" asked my mom.

"They're divorce papers," hissed my Dad. "I knew Vee was upset about whatever he did to you, but I didn't think he'd take it this far. But we have to look at this from the bright side."

"What bright side?" I asked.

"Now he'll have to sit down and talk to you," said my dad. "Now we can sit down at a table and try to talk some sense into him. You are obviously willing to listen to whatever he has to say. Do you think you're ready to forgive him?"

"Dad," I said slowly. "I think the time has come for me to tell you the truth. When I first got here, I may have withheld a few facts. And after that you jumped to a conclusion that I allowed you to maintain."

He looked at me in confusion. "Wendy, this isn't the time for any of that double talk that you kids do. Just spit out whatever you're trying to tell me, Honey. I know you're probably still pissed at him. But you're miserable. Is whatever he did so bad that you can't forgive him? He obviously thinks so; he's looking for a divorce."

"Daddy will you listen to me!" I shouted. "I'm trying to tell you the truth!"

Both he and my mom turned to look at me.

"Vee didn't do anything," I said. "It's all my fault. I jumped to a conclusion that I later on realized was wrong. Actually, I don't know what happened or why, but I cheated on Vee. I started having sex with my best friend's husband. Vee came home unexpectedly and caught us. I didn't come here to give us some space. Vee asked me to leave. After he beat the cowboy shit out of Rick, he was a perfect gentleman to me. He told me that he had to go out of town for work and asked me to be gone by the time he got back.

He never laid a hand on ME and he didn't even yell at me."

Neither of them said a word. My mom's mouth just hung open. My dad glared at me. Then he walked away and into his study. I could tell that he was very disappointed in me. I just stood there. Surprisingly, I felt better. I think it was all of the guilt and the pressure of keeping what I'd done from my parents. Letting it out relieved a small amount of my tension.

My mom and I just stared at each other. Neither of us knew what to say.

A while later, my dad emerged from his study. He smiled at me and wiped his eyes. He had put on his "professional," face. It was the one he used when he was trying to provide guidance for some of the members of his church who were going through troubles.

"Wendy, do you love Vee?" he asked me. "Is he a good husband? Do you want to remain married to him?"

For some reason, I got angry. "Of course I love him Dad. Why the fuck do you think I've been so upset? Jeezus, what's wrong with you?" I shouted.

"Wendy," he shouted right back. "Taking the Lord's name in vain isn't going to help anything. And when did you start using profanity?" Our mutual reaction proved more than anything else that I was definitely HIS daughter. We both took a step back and we both took very deep breaths.

"So why'd you do it Honey?" he asked.

"Mm unh?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Jeezus!" he shouted. "What the hell have you become? First I find out that the little girl I raised has become an adulteress. You've betrayed the wedding vows that you spoke in MY church. And now you don't even know why. Well Missy, you need to Damned well come up with a reason. I called Vee and convinced him to meet us for dinner tomorrow night so we can talk about this whole thing. You had better have some kind of reason by then because I'm pretty sure he's going to want to know why his marriage went to hell."

"Dad, that's great!" I screamed. "Why are you getting so upset?"

"Because I pride myself on being a good judge of character," he spat. "But when I called him the other day, I was so sure that my little angel was not at fault that I practically accused him of being the reason for all of this. I actually commented on his lack of effort in trying to get YOU to forgive HIM. And he was so icily calm about everything. Now I know why he just told me that I had to talk to you to find out what was going on."

"I'm sorry Dad," I said with mock seriousness. "Please forgive me for not wanting to embarrass myself any further. I was only suffering from a broken heart from losing the man I love. I am sooooo sorry that I didn't want to make myself feel even worse by admitting to my parents that I cheated and ruined my marriage."

"Cut the sarcasm, Wendy," he spat. "As usual you're only thinking about what you want and how this affects you. How about thinking about how Vee is feeling right now? The man loves you. You are everything to him. Have you noticed how he doesn't seem to react to anything in a normal way anymore? I think that what you did unhinged him. And while we're on the subject, can you imagine how some of the people on my church are going to see this. I mean how can I be the leader of a congregation and be expected to teach other people to live a good clean life, when my own daughter is ..."

"I get it, Daddy," I spat. "Do you want me to move to Babylon? Maybe they have an opening for another whore? I didn't come home to be a part of one of your sermons. And I didn't come here to get you to help me. I just came home to be with my PARENTS, while I'm suffering. I didn't come for a blessing. Can I just be your daughter, instead of a part of your flock? Vee and I don't even go to church, anyway."

The rest of that evening was tense. For the first time in my life, I got the feeling that my daddy, wasn't exactly in my fan club. And to be truthful, it didn't really matter. I think that at thirty years old, I grew up. The only person that mattered to me was Vee. If my parents questioned or didn't like a choice I had made, I could live with it. But I had to do whatever it took to get my husband back.

I spent the next day preparing for the dinner and talk with Vee. I got my hair styled, but I didn't get my makeup done. I wanted him to see my face as it was. I didn't want to go in looking like I had just come back from a spa. I wanted him to see how miserable I was.

It was a tricky balance to achieve. On one hand, I needed to look so sad that his love for me would trigger him to do whatever it took to make me happy again. But on the other hand, I needed to look good enough that he would see what he was trying to give up. I think I pulled it off.

* * * * * *

Vee

I called my secretary and told her that I would be late. I told her not to say anything to Darwin about it. I then drove downtown to the main building to speak to the people in HR.

On my way there I decided to stop off at Dunkin donuts for coffee. I was feeling sluggish that morning and I needed a boost.

While I was standing in line I heard the old guy behind me start talking. Apparently, many of the people in the restaurant were regulars and knew each other.

"Oh Hell! They're at it again," he said. Almost every head turned towards the windows.

I noticed two cars pulled up at a traffic light on southbound Woodward Avenue. The stretch we were on would be a part of the Dream cruise route in a few months, but on that early morning there was very little traffic.

One of the cars was a heavily modified Chrysler 300. The other was a Camaro. I had no idea what had been done to the engines on either car, but on general principle I gave the edge to the Camaro. For one thing it was lighter and built for this kind of racing. And for another thing, I just prefer pony cars to lumbering behemoths like the 300.

As soon as the light changed, they were gone. The three hundred took off like a raped ape. The Camaro was probably packing a lot of horsepower because the guy driving it fishtailed and spun his tires for a fraction of a second while the 300 was gaining ground. But once the Camaro's tires began to bite the car took off like a rocket. Barely halfway up the distance to the next stop light it caught the 300 and won by half a car length.

Both cars pulled around the turnaround and stopped in a parking lot across Woodward from the donut shop. I got my coffee and a cinnamon glazed donut and headed for my Jeep.

Just as I got to my Jeep the two racers were settling their business. The guy in the 300 was whining which made me believe that they were either racing for money or for pink slips. I'd done a lot of racing, either legal or illegal, but I had never raced for money and I would never risk losing my car.

I sat there half in and half out of my Jeep with my mouth open. The driver of the Camaro got out and exchanged words with the other guy. The thing that had shocked me into an inanimate state was seeing the driver of the Camaro. HE was a SHE. And from across the street, SHE was incredibly hot. The 300 driver seemed to be upset about losing. Whatever the stakes of their race it seemed to be something he didn't want to lose.