The Hungry Herd at Christmas

"That doesn't bear thinking about, Teen."

The nightmare image Tarquin had seen on a bus stop they'd passed earlier, of a contorted turkey body, half-wrapped in shiny metal, steaming, came to mind. He had covered it with his wings as he ushered Tina quickly past it.

"No, but I think it every time I feel low and need to force myself to make it to the next part of our journey. And it looks like we're almost at the end of this road."

Ahead they could see the main road but even in the dark the traffic was already heavy, with lights flashing by every few seconds, going faster than a hawk in a hunting dive. Within a couple of minutes they were right up to the highway, at the end of the lane, crouching behind a high garden hedge. Tina did a quick scout around and reported back.

"There are two rows of black roadway on each side of a wide grass strip in the middle. There is a low fence on either side of the grass. I think Lola and Paul will go under the fence and Kelly and us'll try and hop over. There are gaps in the railings on both sides, so we must aim for these gaps or we'll be trapped and run over. But I noticed that the two rows of traffic on this side all go right to left, consistently, so we should make it to the grass in the middle -"

"That grass looks yummy," Kelly murmured, "I'm ready for my breakfast about now."

"I can't see!" Little Lola jumped up and down, but the level of the road kerbs was too high for her to see across.

"It'll be too dangerous to stop there, Kelly," soothed Tina, "we'd only need to wait for a gap in the other rows, on the other side they are running from left over to the right. If we don't remember that, well, that doesn't bear thinking about. We'll just have to stick together and remember."

"Wait," Tarquin said, "when I spoke to the owl earlier, he mentioned a safe way to cross the road. Further up the road to our left there is a ramp leading down to a clear pathway that passes all the way underneath the road. It comes out next to the nature reserve on the other side."

"A pass under the road, that would be perfect," Lola said.

"Underpass, that's what Oliver called it. We'd be safe going that way. He said lots of the smaller animals like mice use it and they feel so secure at the other end that he often snaps them up for breakfast."

"How big is that owl?" Lola was concerned.

"Only big enough to get mice, Lola, not lambs, however little you are." Tarquin assured her.

"We better hurry, the dawn's coming." Paul noted.

They all looked to the eastern sky, visibly with lines of orange highlighting the bases of the clouds.

"Come on, Lola, to your left and keep moving," said Tarquin, suddenly energised, "let's get under that road to the other side and try and find something to eat for breakfast!"

It was still just dark, and the hungry herd tramped wearily on along the side of the dual carriageway, their progress lit by the many cars and trucks rushing by at impossible speeds. Lola was in front because she had started out so bouncy, but she was tiring now and Kelly just behind was pushing her on with her snout.

"Not far now Lola," Kelly encouraged, "you can make it, just think of all the lovely grass on the other side."

"That's it," Tarquin called from the back, tall enough to see over everyone, "the ramp there, with the fencing around it, just as Oliver described it. That's where we go down, look, the way is even lit for us."

The companions tripped down the ramp, although Lola hung back from the turn at the bottom. Kelly leaned over her and peered around the wall, waiting for Paul and Tarquin to go in first. Tarquin walked onto the flat area which constituted the corner, so he could look down the passage. There were lights most of the way along except right at the very end one of them was dull and flickering on and off. But the lamps, spaced out all along were dim, with shadows where the light wouldn't quite reach. It smelt funny in there too, of human sweat and stale smoke, as well as the fumes from the human carriages that rushed by. The noise of their passing rumbled and echoed in the tunnel. It was a scary place.

Tarquin hesitated. He was afraid but didn't want Tina to know he was afraid, or at least know the extent of his fear. They exchanged a momentary glance and then he stepped into the tunnel, one step, two, three. There was no snow here, relatively dry underfoot, though he could smell the salt solution which kept the frost at bay from the the highway, running in drying streaks down the walls. He stepped forward again, his claws making scratchy noises on the concrete floor. He didn't want to look back but he knew Lola would be counting his steps, although he had already lost count himself. He could hear the thumping of his heart beating quickly as he moved forward steadily, deliberately. He focused on the flashing light at the end, thinking that if he got that far he could look away and see the sky again up the other ramp. There was comfort in that thought, even though there was darkness beyond the flickering lamp.

A quarter of the way through the passage and he imagined he heard the clip-clop of tiny hoofs, followed by the slip-slap-slid-slap of Paul's slovenly gait, as well as the heavier ponderous clip-clop that Kelly used to propel herself forward. Tarquin strained to hear Tina's footfalls, but she was no doubt tip-toeing gracefully, as he didn't hear her at all.

He was halfway through. He decided that the booming from the cars overhead was slightly louder ahead than from behind. Then he heard what sounded like human steps on the ramp that they had come down earlier. Human! They must be human steps and they might have to make a dash for it to the nature reserve.

Tarquin looked back, Lola was behind him, followed by Paul and Kelly side by side, then his dear

Tina behind them. They had stopped walking and we're looking behind them. He could see a long shadow moving on the floor and wall before the lone human appeared at the bottom the ramp in person.

It was The Farmer himself, carrying a folded net over his shoulder!

He stopped at the bottom of the ramp, turned to face the departing animals with his legs apart and started to unfold and spread out his net.

"Gotcha!" The Farmer snarled. He had a grin of triumph on his face.

Lola screamed. Paul snorted. Kelly dropped a cow pat. "Splat!"

"Tina!" Tarquin called, "we've gotta make a run for it! You take the lead and I'll follow up."

Tarquin stood his ground as The Farmer advanced and his friends filed past him down the tunnel under the road.

Lola bleated. Paul snorted. Kelly skidded to a halt. Another shadow appeared at the far end, blocking their way.

Tina screamed, "It's The Farmer's Wife! Tarq, we're trapped!"

Tarquin turned. There, standing by the flickering light, in all her evil glory, stood The Farmer's Wife. She brandished a meat cleaver in her hand, glittering in the light.

"I've got you all now my beauties," she hissed, pointing her cleaver at Tarquin, "I've 'ad me eye on you all year, an' I'm gonna chop yer 'ead off 'ere an' now, you big bird. I'm havin' you for us Christmas dinner termorrer! As for you, yer too scrawny fer milkin', but yer'll make a few burgers fer

Pa's tea. An' 'e loves lamb chops, too. An' we both loves a bit o' smoked bacon of a mornin'!"

"What about the other turkey, Ma, there ain't much meat on 'er?" the Farmer chipped in.

"Nah, but she'll stew up alright, Pa. We'll chop 'em 'eads off an' drag 'em ter the truck."

"Trapped!" cried Tarquin.

"Wha' do we do now?" panicked Lola, frozen to the ground, her legs shivering.

The Farmer and The Farmer's Wife started to move towards them, coming from the farm side and the nature reserve side respectively.

Tarquin tried to think, what should he do? Charge at The Farmer? They were bound to get caught in his net, maybe one or two of them may squeeze by him in the narrow passage but the more likely outcome was that they would all get caught up in the net and easily overpowered.

Charging at The Farmer's Wife, armed as she was with a wicked butcher's chopper? It seemed the most dangerous option, but if all five ran at her at the same time, she could only strike at one or two at the most. She would likely go for him anyway as she appeared to have had it in for him for as long as he could remember, once pecking her hand when she tried to grab and destroy Tina's egg. Yes, that's the best option, charge at The Farmer's Wife, but it had to be in concert, all five of them together.

But just at that moment, Lola suddenly launched herself at The Farmer's Wife, catching everyone by surprise. The lamb scampered under her feet. The large fat woman tried to turn and grab at the lamb's woolly coat. She got a hold with one hand but twisted around and, as she lifted the heavy chopper to use it, and Lola pulled on her, she lost her balance. The Farmer's Wife dropped the cleaver with a clatter, putting out both her hands to save herself from injury and ended up on her elbows and knees, pulling Lola into a tight grip to her ample chest.

"I's got yer now Little Miss Lambchops," she gloated, "an' I'll 'ave yer chopt up an' in me freezer before yer can blink twice!"

Tarquin didn't even think about it, he saw that target, big and unmissable it was, encased in a floral print dress, just begging to be pecked. And that's exactly what he did, right at the point where tail bone met start of her arse crack. The Farmer's Wife howled in pain and surprise, shooting her torso bolt upright whilst still on her knees. She immediately released Lola, who ran back to where Tina, Paul and Kelly stood, close to the wall as The Farmer stepped closer to them, though a little warily now that the defiant Tarquin had trotted back to the little group.

The Farmer's Wife picked herself up, snatching up her chopper, and snarled at Tarquin in particular, the group in general. She moved forward, but uncomfortably as if in pain or discomfort. Her face was certainly contorted with some internal torment.

Tarquin looked at Tina. She looked sad but head held high, which buoyed Tarquin up even further.

"Hey, we've got beaks and claws, haven't we? Paul's got some weight for pushing and unbalancing these humans with his low centre of gravity. Lola's light on her feet and can run rings around any dull farmer and his fat mate, while Kelly could do some damage with the hooves on the end of her long legs. What do you say we make them pay for their supper?"

"Yes!" Tina's beak set grimly, "I'm up for it. I'm tired of running."

The others grunted, bleated, grunted and mooed their affirmation.

Tarquin nodded and turned to face the woman with the chopper and took a step, then two, forward, Paul joined him pace for pace.

They could see uncertainty cross the pained woman's face.

Tarquin was about to take another step when the passageway echoed with a deep throaty growl. It was powerful, terrible, and took everyone's attention.

Tarquin turned. All the animals were facing the entrance to the underpass, even The Farmer turned slowly around to see what every creature was looking at.

There stood a fierce-eyed Huskie dog, with its fur puffed out, eyes bright and focussed on The Farmer, with the deepest, most terrifying growl coming from deep in its bowels. It looked poised to spring, its tail curled over its back. Everyone stood stock still.

Then The Carpenter's Cat calmly emerged from where it was hidden completely, immediately behind the fierce dog and called out to the five animals.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Come on. Arthur won't hurt you."

Tarquin moved first, flapping his wings to push Tina and Kelly ahead of him, with Paul and Lola on either side. They passed by The Farmer with his net, and he never moved, mesmerised by the dog, the two adversaries locked eyes-to-eyes.

The Farmer's Wife screamed, "Don't let 'em get away, Pa!"

She started running, her chopper above her head. Just two or three steps, then The Farmer's Wife slipped on the cow pat and fell with a jarring crash on her backside.

The dog barked, echoing deafeningly in that dimly lit passageway, and stepped forward purposefully, foaming saliva dripping from its ivory teeth, further exposed by the crinkling of its snout.

The Farmer screamed, turned to run away, tripped on his net and fell headlong over The Farmer's Wife, who was on the floor just behind him, trying to get up. They fell, both tangled up together in the net.

***

Munch! Munch!

Tina regarded the sight of Tarquin the turkey, her oldest friend, eating his fill. She continued moving her eyes around, from her vantage point at the entrance to The Carpenters' barn.

Outside it was quite light now, although the watery winter sun was still too low in the sky to illuminate anything lower than the farmhouse roof. The air was crisp with frost, the light overnight snow dusted everything with a sugar frosting. On the other side of the farmyard, Paul was drinking from a trough, having broken through the thin ice crust. She smiled at the thought of him tucking into all that fruit this morning. Arthur the Huskie, pet of Jonathan, son of The Carpenters, had explained that Dad Carpenter had opened the barn early, sorted through the stored apples and pears and discarded some in a steel bucket, left just outside the barn. Paul's face full of pleasure, as he had tucked into this delicious fruit bonanza, had been a sight to behold that Tina would treasure forever.

There was a bird table nearby and a brilliant green parrot was picking over fruit left there. The parrot and Paul had squabbled over the bucket of fruit. Apparently Dad Carpenter would put fruit on the bird table every day. Paul had sorted the argument out by rolling a slightly bruised apple towards the parrot, after which they had happily eaten all the fresh fruit between them.

Tina continued to look around the yard. There were empty pig sties, pens, stables without a roof, an exercise ring for horses, a duck pond with a handful of ducks, their tails waggling in the air as they sifted though the bottom mud for food to supplement their duck pellets. A few chickens and a large white goose pecked around, apparently allowed to roam free during the day and herded back into the henhouse at night. Arthur pointed out that Mum Carpenter checked the henhouse daily for eggs and that she was responsible for the poultry pellets. Perhaps there was a goose house out of sight somewhere, too. Inside the barn there were stacked bales of straw and hay, sacks of feed, some empty stalls and rows of shelves of stored fruit, sacks of potatoes, strings of onions. Feeding off a bale of hay were the other two friends, Kelly and Lola.

"Are you enjoying those poultry pellets, Tarq?" Tina grinned at the sight of Tarquin, with a beak full and his eyes closed in ecstasy.

"Mmmm, Mmm," he started, swallowing hard.

"Careful, we don't want you choking!" she laughed, "hey, The Carpenters' Cat's water bowl's here if you need a drink."

"Thanks," Tarquin croaked in a shower of crumbs, as he buried his beak in the cold clean and refreshing water. Refreshed, he turned his head to Tina.

"I can't get over how friendly The Carpenters' Cat is —"

"Really?" came a voice from behind them, making Tarquin and Tina jump.

"Carpenters' Cat!" exclaimed Tarquin, "Where'd you spring from?"

"Oh, I'm always around," said The Carpenters' Cat, an inscrutable smile on her furry face, "it's part of my mysterious charm. I can lie around napping in full view for ages, then disappear for hours on end. But, as soon as anything interesting happens I am there in the thick of it. Or if they need comforting, the humans seem to love stroking me and well, I let them. It's a big responsibility owning humans you know. It take a lot of effort on my part, especially hard is making my efforts appear to be no effort at all."

"So, you actually like and trust these humans of yours?" Tina asked tentatively, still wary of trusting this tortoiseshell cat, despite the way she had saved them all from the underpass.

"The Carpenters? Yes of course. When you get to know them, they are really very sweet. I have found them to be the perfect pets."

"Where are they now?" Tarquin asked.

"In the top field, weeding and picking sprouts and cabbages, they bring them back here just about in time for my lunch. A truck collects the cabbages this afternoon."

"What if they come back early?"

"Arthur's keeping an eye on them, and their son Jonathan's helping them, while he's off school. He is the most likely to tire first to head back. Arthur will beat them back here after they set out. Humans are so slow, it's a surprise to me they get anything done at all. Poor things, they hardly ever get any naps in during the day either. But, they are entertaining, most of the time."

"You can keep your humans," Tarquin grumbled, and then felt guilty as he had been eating their pellets all morning. They were much nicer pellets than the ones The Farmer's Wife had fed them. "Sorry, Carpenters' Cat, I am always grumpy in the morning."

"Not to worry," said The Carpenters' Cat, "when The Carpenters return down this path, we'll go this way around the barn, wait until tonight, then Arthur, Oliver, Pierre the parrot and I will show you where to cross the road safely and enter the nature reserve."

That night, the herd ventured down to the main road, with The Carpenters' Cat leading the way to the nature reserve. Tarquin hung towards the back and whispered to Arthur who was bringing up the rear.

"Hey, Art, what's with this bossy Carpenters' Cat?"

"Shh! Keep your voice down. She'll hear you."

"From all the way back here?"

"You don't know what she's like, she disappears and reappears at will, usually showing up when I'm talking about her to Gavin or Charlie."

"Who's Gavin and Charlie?"

"The goose and cockerel, you know them, you were speaking to both earlier today."

"I'm terrible with names, but yeah, they were real friendly guys. Gavin the goose was it?"

Arthur the Huskie nodded.

"He showed me where the goose and duck pellets were kept, apparently they are better for me and Tina, particularly as Tina needs to be on layer pellets, whatever they are."

"Oh, you'll find out, brother, soon enough, don't you worry about that," Arthur chuckled.

Puzzled by Arthur's remarks, Tarquin hesitated before continuing to whisper, "So why is she referred to just as 'The Carpenters' Cat' and not by name?"

"The Carpenters have twin daughters, Judy and Jenny, they are away at college, and due back today for the Christmas holidays. The Carpenters' Cat is their pet cat —"

"She tells us tyrant she has that relationship the other way around."

"Yes," Arthur laughed, "she would, and she could even be right, they love her so much. Anyway they named her but she never liked the name and refused to answer to it. I heard from Gavin, I think, that she didn't even realise she had a 'given' name at first, so she ignored their calls, but the girls only used it more and more. So The Carpenters' Cat made a point of appearing in front of them before they even called out. I think she can read minds. I think she read mine in about three seconds flat and only took that long because she read it twice to make sense of it. Anyway, no-one here remembers her real name."

"So you don't remember, or have you conveniently forgotten?"

"I am their young brother Jonathan's dog. I came along to join the family later than The Carpenters' Cat. There was this budgie once that knew her name and boasted about announcing it to everyone, but..."

"But what?"

"She died. They found her dead the next morning, no physical cause, no clues ... no witnesses. Mary Carpenter was very upset, they love their animals, and Dad Carpenter dug a little grave for him in their pet cemetery."