The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01

*

Kim came to my condo about ten o'clock the next morning to be my fashion consultant. She was ruthless. She went through every item of clothing I had, creating a huge pile on my bed destined for Goodwill. I had to admit the thong felt sexy, thus, all my underwear went into the trash. My bras were functional, but not uplifting enough to suit Kim. My sport clothes looked as if they'd been purchased at Goodwill; there was nothing salvageable. My blouses were too plain and most were not my color or 'sexy.' The men's shirts, she rated as unworthy of a feminine wardrobe. My slacks were too baggy, my shoes too functional and dreary, my few suits the wrong color and not stylish or trim enough, and my one bathing suit was more appropriate for someone fifty years older.

In the end, my closet and dresser drawers were almost bare. Kim pulled out a notepad, and we made of list of essentials that would get me through the following week, but with a completely new look. She and I filled seven large trash bags with my clothing and carried them to her car; there was no going back. We drove to a Goodwill bin and dropped the clothing off, and Kim drove us to a smart little restaurant where she treated me to lunch.

As we talked over lunch, I felt myself relaxing further into her warmth. I could tell she really liked me. When the little voice in my head raised the possibility that I was a nerd and not worthy of having a friend like Kim, I focused for a few seconds and whispered, "I am worthy. I am loved, and I am loving. Kim is my friend, and I am her friend." I had tears in my eyes at one point but blinked them away.

Kim heard me and was quiet as we sat. She held my hand again. She asked when I came back to our conversation, "Was that your voices telling you that you're unworthy in some way?"

"Yes," I replied still blinking my teary eyes. I just think you and Ray will disappear as suddenly as you appeared in my life, and I'll be back to the nerdy person I am -- or was -- or whatever.

"Darling, youare worthy. I love you. Ray loves you. There's a world that wants to love you, if you let them." Kim came around the table to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My inner voices didn't know what to make of that. Somehow, the people in the restaurant didn't even notice.

"Thank you. Thank you both for all you're doing for me. I just can't ..." I started.

"No negative thoughts," Kim interrupted. "Just say 'Thank you,' and allow me to say, 'You're welcome.'"

After lunch, Kim drove us to the largest mall in the City. Over two hours later, we filled the trunk of her car with dozens of packages of new clothing that was smart, chic, sexy, and stylish. There were also four new pairs of shoes. Further, while I'd bought some of the clothing, Kim had insisted repeatedly, that I let her buy me this or that item she knew I'I had to have'.

Kim checked her watch and, as we drove back towards her house, said, "Now for a special treat -- a surprise from Ray and me." She drove a few more miles as I pestered her about where we were going and pulled up in front of a large and very pricey day spa. "You are just going to love this," she said as she pulled me into the building.

A beautiful receptionist dressed in a black blouse, stovepipe slacks and with three-inch heels met us and gave Kim a hug and kiss on both cheeks. In a beautiful European accent she asked, "Is this our special project?" She smiled at me warmly. Kim and I both nodded.

"Come with me," the receptionist said, "We'll start with your hair removal." A half hour later I had no superfluous hair on my body. At Kim's insistence my bikini area was smoothed away completely, an embarrassing event, but Kim assured me it was totally necessary. Stray bits of other body hair had been searched for and destroyed as well. My hope of a good moustache was gone as well.

Kim and I then spent about a half hour in the spa's sauna; I think I was medium rare when we finally left the hot room for the shower. Another half hour and I basked in the pleasure of a pedicure and manicure like none I'd ever had. Kim joined me for these events as she freshened her own nails. Then we spent about forty minutes in a relaxing massage, and then mud pack, complete with cucumbers on my eyelids. I actually fell asleep having delightful (even sexual) dreams. The spa attendant woke me and finished my part of those treatments and told me Kim was waiting for me in the salon.

Kim introduced me to Antonio, the spa's hairdresser. He was marvelous and very supportive as he started to work on my dark locks. A twist and snip here and there, some washing and blowing, some mousse and suddenly I had a different look. I'd watched it materialize as the three of us talked, but I couldn't believe the result.

As I sat in the salon chair, a woman named Margaret came over with a large makeup kit. She spent a few minutes analyzing my skin and talking about the careful application of eye makeup, rouge, and other facial products. She then spent twenty minutes doing my makeup as she recommended, talking all through the applications about how beautiful my facial features were and how she liked the way my cheekbones angled with my jaw. I accepted the compliments.

Kim had brought in some of my new clothes and shoes from the car. In the dressing room, I changed into cream-colored slacks, an expensive mango blouse, and light tan high heels. Further, she produced a pair of real diamond earrings from her purse that stopped me in my tracks. I put her earrings on to complete my ensemble.

As I stood looking at myself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror of the changing room, I couldn't believe the makeover. I actually broke out crying. My God, this woman was gorgeous. I couldn't believe I looked this way for the first time in my life! I turned and hugged Kim with tears in my eyes. She looked like a proud mother. Margaret dabbed at my face with a Kleenex explaining to me as she did how to repair tear marks on my facial makeup.

The voices in my head were going crazy telling me I was inadequate to the occasion; that I was a pretender and an imposter -- all this was all no more than a Halloween makeover. I closed my eyes and repeated the words 'Not helpful' about a dozen times before I made my thoughts of low self worth temporarily go away. Kim was watching me when I opened my eyes; she must have known what had transpired for she reached over and squeezed my hand in a loving gesture again.

We got back to Kim and Ray's house about seven o'clock. Ray was dressed in a tuxedo and welcomed me into his arms with a serious kiss, and a very loud 'Wow!' Kim watched us and looked pleased with how we greeted each other and I didn't feel guilty in the least about his attentions. I just appreciated the moment, although, I couldn't help wondering what she thought and why she smiled. I paused for a moment, and noted that I actually felt deserving of attention and flattery. How unusual!

Kim scampered off to change her clothes while Ray produced glasses of wine for each of us. I took Kim's glass into the bedroom for her; she was in the dressing room and yelled out her thanks as I left it on her dresser. Back in the kitchen, Ray gave me his full attention as I told him about the day -- weeding out my clothes, the lunch, shopping, and the spa and salon. He really was interested. He held my hands as I talked, and I enjoyed the physical contact. When Kim appeared twenty minutes later, she looked chic and sexy. She brought me a scarf that I could put around my neck to complement the outfit I wore. I kept looking at myself in their hall mirror to make sure who I was looking at.

"It's so much easier to love this me than the 'me' that arrived here yesterday," I said over my shoulder to Kim and Ray as we stood in the hallway. "I can't thank you enough for this makeover. I feel different -- even worthy. Now I just have to keep the voices at bay and change my thinking so I can change my life."

Ray escorted the two of out to his car and held the car doors for us as we got in. He announced, "We're going to the Club tonight. It's a special occasion. It's Joyce's 'Coming Out' dinner and dance."

The Club was the City's yacht club, and they provided us a dinner I shall never forget. I was fawned over and waited on as if I were the most important person in the world. Many Club members came by the table so that Ray or Kim could introduce me to them. I felt embarrassed at first, but slowly got used to the introductions and attention. I noted that many enquired about Stacy, and how she was doing in California. Many had the same air of curiosity about Ray, Kim, and Stacy that I had.

The live band was very good I thought. Not only did Ray dance with me, we danced as a threesome. Several members of the club also invited me to dance with them. I was clearly a hit and was enjoying my newfound popularity.

The voices in my head occasionally screamed "imposter, fraud, you're inadequate, and pretender." I'd feel myself slipping into that unhappy state and pull myself away. I repeated 'Not helpful' to my thoughts, on another occasion, I repeated Ray's mantra, on another, I just told myself that this is 'Now' and there's no reason for me to feel anything but joy at this moment: most of the time it worked. Ray sensed a couple of times I was in a down mood and talked me through it with some very uplifting words and a nuzzled kiss that took my thoughts off in a completely different direction for a moment.

I thought at one point how different I felt from forty-eight hours earlier. I think I had built my own hell and now, suddenly, I'd found this wonderful heaven. Overall, I was laughing and having a happy time -- possibly the best time in my life!

The crowd at the Club thinned out about eleven o'clock, partly because it was an older crowd. Ray indicated that we would leave too and go back to the house. Again, he played the perfect gentleman and held the car doors for us.

Back at the house I suddenly wondered how I'd get home since I'd been with Kim all day and many of my packages were still in the back of her car. When I raised the question, mentioning that I didn't want to impose and I could get a taxi, Kim came and held me closely to her in a big hug.

She pulled away and kissed me tenderly on the lips. I automatically kissed back, and then my brain went into orbit and my thoughts scrambled. Kim said, "Joyce, Ray and I would like you stay with us tonight. We want to love you and have you love us. You can set the pace and define whatever that means to you."

"I ... I don't ... I can't ..." I sputtered words for at least a minute as my brain reloaded the algorithms that allowed me to talk and apply logic to the situations before me. Kim maintained her embrace with me, but allowed me to look at her face to face. Ray came and joined in our hug by putting his arms around both of us.

I finally managed to gather my wits. I stammered, "I'm not sure I'm capable of what you want. I've never had a relationship -- with anyone -- ever! I don't know what it means to love or be loved, certainly not in a physical sense. Oh, I know about the birds and the bees and that that's part of it, but ... well, I just don't know what to do."

"Then just relax and let us love you and you do what you feel comfortable with," Ray said. "We'll take it slow and easy, and if you feel things are too slow or too fast, you say so." He looked at me with his instructional inquisitiveness again.

"Maybe," I tentatively replied.

"Good," he said. "Come and cuddle with me on the sofa." He looked at Kim and added, "With us." He pulled me from our group hug to the large sofa that looked out across the bay. Kim dimmed the lights in the room and then disappeared towards the kitchen. The moon was setting, and the lights from the homes and condos on the other side of the bay looked so special.

Ray sat and pulled me close beside him. He'd removed his jacket and tie, down to his dress shirt. He put his arm around my shoulders and turned me to face him. With one hand he reached up and held my chin and then leaned in and kissed me again. It was a heavenly warm and loving kiss that stirred me in every corner of my body. I kissed back. I really liked kissing him. I hoped that Kim wouldn't be mad at me.

Then I felt his tongue probe at my lips. He was going to French kiss me and I'd never had this done before, at least that I could remember. His tongue danced with mine and teased me to return the gesture to him. I did this too, experimentally at first and then I got into the spirit of the activity. He tasted good to me.

My thoughts were racing, telling me I was being used, all he wanted was sex, I was not good at kissing, and certainly not French kissing, and that I was insulting Kim and her wifely rights -- but they weren't married. I tried to argue with my thoughts, but these wouldn't go away. Finally, I pulled away; "What about Kim?" I asked.

Kim was standing in front of us with a smile on her face and a tray with three glasses of wine on it. She set the tray down and sat beside me on the sofa. Much to my surprise she reached up and gently held my face in her hands and kissed me on the lips again, and again, and again. Then we French kissed, and I noted that she tasted good as well. No one had said anything for many minutes.

I turned back to Ray to see what he was thinking about my romantically kissing his wife. Ray pulled me into a comfortable embrace where I was cuddled against his shoulder in the dim light. "Joyce, have you ever heard of the word 'compersion'?"

"No. What's it mean?"

"It means taking joy in the joy that your loved ones find in loving each other," Ray explained. "I am happy -- joyous -- that you and Kim kissed and loved one another. She feels that way when we kiss."

Kim said, "It's the opposite of jealousy. And just so you hear it from me, I am happy when Ray and you kiss. And if you go further, I'll be happy about that too, providing you are both happy with what you do together. I hope you'll both share it with me, but if you don't that's all right too."

Ray nodded in agreement.

"You both ... you've given me so much to think about," I said. "I never thought I'd be feeling what I feel or thinking what I've been thinking today. Please ... just give me some time to get comfortable with this."

Both of them leaned in and kissed me on my cheeks. We laughed together and sipped our wines. Then we were quiet and watched the half-moon settle into the horizon across the bay.

I snuggled into Ray's shoulder, and I held Kim as she snuggled into me. Gradually, I fell asleep feeling warm and loved -- for the first time in my life.

*

I awoke the next morning with a start. I was alone on Ray and Kim's sofa, a nice pillow tucked under my head, and a sheet and light blanket covering me. I was still dressed in my evening garb except for my shoes. I wondered whether my lovely hairdo and makeup had survived my sleeping on them through the night.

My inner voices kicked in immediately with their usual string of demeaning statements: "You were visiting someone and fell asleep on them -- how irresponsible! My God, you kissed both of them -- what are you weird? A lesbian? You're fostering relationship infidelity by kissing Ray -- you're bad! What makes you think they'll still respect you this morning after how you behaved last night? You're not worthy of having friends like them." They went on and on. I tried to quiet them with the mantra and some other words, but was unsuccessful.

Then I realized that I was listening to the voices, but for the first time I felt distant from them, as though I was an observer or distant listener to them. I could care about them -- or not. They were almost more of a curiosity to some deeper real me than the usual foreground thoughts that ruled my life. After a while in this new state, I muttered 'Shut up' to the voices and I repeated aloud Ray's mantra: "I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe."

The house was very quiet. I could tell no one else was up and about but me. I stretched and thought with delight of all the things that had happened the previous two days. Kim was so nice to me -- and Ray. I really did feel close to them; the first people I'd ever felt that way about. Even as I was conscious, I worried about being worthy of their friendship.

I got up and found the powder room and freshened up, then went to the kitchen and poked around until I found the makings for coffee, juice, and pancakes. I really got into cooking and created quite a breakfast for the three of us. I decided I would serve them breakfast in bed so I made up a tray with the results of my handiwork.

I carefully carried the tray upstairs and then knocked on the door of the master bedroom with my foot. "Hello in there. Anyone awake? I have a surprise for you."

I heard mutterings and sputtering from inside and then Ray's voice said sleepily, "Come on in."

I opened the door. The room was dimly lit. But, I could see the two of them starting to stir about in the big king-size bed and starting to sit up.

"I am your humble servant, and I have fixed you a grand breakfast," I announced cheerfully.

"Oh, great," Kim said as she sat up. "This is wonderful!"

I immediately noticed that she was naked from the waist up, and I presumed she was entirely nude. Then Ray's body appeared as he sat up, and he was in the same state of undress. Why hadn't I thought about how they slept? 'Dummy ...' The voices were back.

I stood there holding the tray and wondering what to do. Ray saw my discomfort and said, "Here, Joyce. Set the tray down in my lap ... and then pull up those blinds to let in the morning sun." I passed the tray to him and went and raised the shades. Kim was rubbing her eyes to erase the sleep. She looked so beautiful ... and Ray so handsome as I watched them. I found the thought of their nudity exciting and stimulating.

Kim said, "Please sit and join us. Did you eat? Did you find everything you needed? I hope it was OK that we tucked you in here last night. You were so asleep and looked so pretty; we didn't want to disturb you further with a drive home." She seemed oblivious to her nudity, so I tried to ignore it too.

"Oh, it was fine and I slept so well. I had such a good time yesterday -- really, ever since I met Ray at last week's party. Thank you both so much." I sat on the edge of the bed near Ray's feet.

Ray was already halfway through his stack of pancakes. He said, "These are great. We should keep you around here all the time. We never do this, and I love it. Thank you, Darling."

It was a Sunday, a day I usually cleaned my condo, paid bills, and got a little bit better organized about work. Ray said, "We have the rest of the day. I propose we do some beach stuff before the heat of the day arrives and then come back here and appreciate the air conditioning and see what other ideas we can come up with."

Kim looked at me and nodded. "You have a new bathing suit to try," she reminded me. She took another bite of her pancakes.

Ray said to me as he sipped his coffee, "One of the things that will help your self-esteem, is to do some things that push you out of your comfort zone, not just once, but over and over again. I have a couple of ideas we could try down by the beach if you agree."

I said, "I agree, but how will those help?"

Ray said, "You've created a sheltered life for yourself based on your erroneous assumptions that you aren't worthy. You don't take risks, and so you stopped growing some time ago, at least in some important areas of your life. You're timid and believe you're not up to anything but the most expected and predictable tasks. I suspect you're like this at work too. If you can learn to cope with the unexpected, it builds self-confidence to move into new and risky areas of life. You succeed, and it becomes a bootstrap process building your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and your ability to take on life's challenges even more. You will stop feeling inadequate to the day and start to feel like you're really on top of things."