There Goes the Neighnorhood

I picked up my briefcase and left.

Work was uneventful. I did go through my files and find the number of a lawyer I'd dealt with who represented one of the richest businessmen in our state. He'd been in the newspapers a few weeks ago because one of his business deals had fallen through. He'd tried to build a shopping mall adjacent to a nice suburban neighborhood and had been nearly tarred and feathered by neighborhood groups, environmentalists and small business groups. I had an idea. I asked the lawyer to put me in contact with his boss. I didn't tell him what it involved but I hoped that his boss remembered me favorably enough that he'd agree to a meeting.

I also set up a meeting with the best divorce lawyer I could find. This guy was like napalm according to his reputation. He spread all over a divorce and burned everything he touched.

A few hours later, I was done working for the day. For the first time that I could remember, I dreaded going home. What was left there for me? I debated going to a bar with some of the guys from work but decided against it, at least for that day. I would need to begin developing new friendships but I could begin that tomorrow.

I pulled into my driveway and turned the Mustang's ignition off. I went into the house as quietly as I could. I put my briefcase down and sank into the couch in the den. I let all of the air I'd been holding in out and tried to release all of my tension along with it. I closed my eyes and concentrated on just relaxing. I think I almost dozed off. Then I felt a pair of soft hands begin to knead my shoulders, it felt heavenly.

"Get your fucking hands off of me," I said, in the coldest voice I could manage. I jerked myself off the couch and turned to look at the pain written on Iris' face.

"I was just trying to help you feel better," she said regaining her composure. "You look like you had a rough day at work."

"Iris, my day at work was fine. It was coming home that created all of the tension," I said. She looked down at her feet.

"When do you think you'll want dinner?" she asked. "I'm not sure if you want to wait until after you run or if you'd like something before."

"Iris, just do or make whatever pleases you, whenever you want to," I said. "Isn't that the way you viewed our marriage anyway." I went upstairs and changed into a pair of lightweight track pants and a lightweight hoodie. I put my favorite Asics trainers on and headed out. Iris stared at me as I left the house.

"Be careful," she said quietly. I pretended that I didn't hear her. As I stepped onto my porch Aubrey appeared. She smiled at me and came over.

"Your run is going to suck today," she said.

"I know," I said. "Usually my Monday runs are just to get some blood flowing back through my legs after the Sunday long run. I'm usually stiff on Monday, so I take it easy and run slowly."

"That's not what I was talking about," she said still smiling. "You're going to run even slower than usual and you might end up walking."

I looked at her crazily because I was somewhat of an exercise snob. I always waved at other runners on my path, but I barely even took note of walkers. The thought of actually walking myself, was ridiculous. But she was looking at me and smiling. And her smile seemed to take away some of the anger I'd been holding in.

"Okay, so why am I going to be doing that?" I asked.

"BECAUSE, I'm going with you," she said. "Let's go!"

And just like that we were off. I did notice Jay grimacing in his doorway as we took off. And I also noticed that every eye on the block was on us again as we slowly...Boy do I mean slowly, jogged down the street. I was sure that if we jogged any more slowly we'd be going backwards, but I endured it. The smile on her face was reward enough to overcome any frustration I felt over our lack of progress.

"Jay, wanted to," she began then she slowed down and started walking. She grabbed my arm, thinking I was going to run on without her. "Okay, I made it a block," she said. "This running thing is a lot tougher than my aerobics videos."

I just smiled and nodded. "We probably started out too fast for me," she said breathing hard. In the back of my mind I felt fear. It was deep down spine tingling fear. There was simply no way I could run any slower and stay awake.

"Jay wanted to take another stab at you today," she said. "He figured that you'd had enough time to calm down, now so maybe you'd be willing to talk." We were walking side by side then and the pace was brisk for a walk but she seemed to be handling it well.

"Bart convinced him to wait a few days before they approached you again. He said that you were really hurt and that it was going to take a while. Plus they were all remembering what you said about the next time they came to your house you'd shoot them," she smiled again and I noticed that she was still holding my arm.

"Do you even have a gun?" she asked.

"Of course I do," I said. "It was my father's gun. He worked for Army intelligence. He got it during his work for the army rooting out spies. It's a pretty big gun too."

"What kind?" she asked.

"Well, it's kind of a rarity," I said. "I don't think they make them anymore."

"Is it one of those big old long barreled thirty-eights?" she asked.

"Nope, it's a forty-five," I said. "Probably the most powerful forty-five I've ever shot. When you hit stuff with this gun it doesn't make a hole, shit just explodes."

"Is it a Colt 45?" she asked.

"No it's an automatic that was designed specifically for the US government," I said. "It's one of those custom Federal Designated pieces that were issued to intelligence operatives. They have stories written about them."

"I've never heard of that," she smiled at me. "I thought my dad knew a lot about guns, but I've never heard of that. My dad might though."

"Yep," I smirked. "Ask him. I'm sure your dad's read FD45 stories."

As we walked, she didn't seem to be very inclined to let go of my arm. We'd been walking in the park for a while when she pulled me over to a bench and we sat down. She kicked her legs a little bit and stretched. A guy who'd been slowly jogging down the path ran into a pole as he watched her. I laughed but I didn't tell her about it.

"Jay ordered me to stay away from you," she smiled.

"I can see that worked," I smiled right back at her. "Aubrey, what do you want to see happen here? I mean, what is the end game for you? I've figured out what I'm going to do, but I don't want to see you get hurt by any of this, so I need to know where you want your life to go after this is over."

"Barry, I hate Jay so badly that I can taste it. I don't want him dead but anything else, I'm up for. I decided last night to divorce him, but that still just doesn't sit right with me. He took all of my hopes and dreams and fucked them and me over. I want my pound of flesh too. Especially since if I divorce him there won't be any money coming my way. I'll probably have to go back and live with my parents for a while, but even that would be better than putting up with living this way any longer. I was a waitress before and it didn't kill me. I can do it again."

"Aubrey, in a divorce, you'd probably be entitled to half of your assets," I said. "That's why I've had to find myself a good crooked lawyer who knows all about hiding assets and that kind of stuff. I don't want to pay Iris for ruining my life. She has a college degree. She can drag her ass out and get a job."

"Barry, that's just it," she said. "Jay is like one of those cowboys from the big city. He's all hat and no cattle. Even that Camaro he drives is leased. He's friends with the dealer so they don't have dealer plates on it, but if Jay missed even one paycheck we'd be up shit creek. We're barely keeping up with being behind on the mortgage right now. If Jay and I divorce neither one of us would get a fucking dime. We don't even have enough money to be broke. I have nothing to lose."

I outlined my plan for her and she started laughing. She added a couple of things that I hadn't thought about and we shook hands. We looked into each other's eyes and said what we'd both been thinking. "There goes the neighborhood."

Our plan seemed to forge a new sense of intimacy between us besides giving us what we both burned for, revenge against our cheating spouses.

We walked all the way back to our street and down it. As we walked down the street, Kristy came out to meet us. "Where have you guys been?" she asked sweetly.

"We went out for a run," I said.

"Is that what they call it now?" she laughed. "Well I just wanted you to know that I'm okay with the offer that Bart made to you yesterday. You're probably too tired today, after your RUN. But you can keep me in mind." Then she walked back to her porch and her children.

I'd noticed that Aubrey hadn't said a word the whole time Kristy was there. "What did that mean?" she asked. I explained to her the offer of Kristy's services that Bart had made the previous day.

Aubrey's eyes narrowed and she looked back at Kristy. I decided to change the subject. "Are you hungry?" I asked. She nodded. "Okay how does, showers, then my deck for steaks sound?"

"Very, very good," she said. Her smile was back and she retreated into her house.

I ran into my house and up the stairs taking them two at a time and right into the shower. I was actually skipping on my way back down the stairs. Iris got off the couch and came over to me.

"You seem like you're in a better mood," she said. "Can..."

I walked right past her and out into the yard. I looked around and realized that I should probably get the meat out first. I was looking through the freezer when Iris came up behind me. "What are you looking for, I made you dinner already, Honey," she said. "I made pasta. You always like it because it replaces the glycogen in your muscles that the long run takes out of them."

"I thought about what you offered yesterday," I said. "I think that you should be free to explore your fling to the limits of your curiosity."

"Uhm thanks," she said. "But I don't want that anymore. I want to work on patching up our marriage instead."

"I really think you should go for this," I said. "I think you should get it totally out of your system. At least find out what you like and what you don't like. Try a few different things, who knows, it might come in handy. It might even be good for both of us."

"You're thinking of uhm...participating?" she asked. Her whole face lit up and I realized then that I'd made the right decision.

"Fuck no," I snapped. "If I'm so disgusted by you that I can barely be in the same room with you, why would I want to watch anyone fuck you, let alone do it myself?"

It was as if I'd slapped her. She came across the room and she was pissed. "I know what this is about. You're just giving me permission because you want Aubrey. Jay was right to be afraid. You're just figuring that if it's okay for me to fuck the guys then you can get your dick into Aubrey. Well forget it. I already told you that I'm not interested in doing it anymore. It cost me too much."

I just laughed. "Barry, you're not looking at this the right way. There is nothing going on with me and anyone except you from now on. Yesterday ended it. I will not be making that mistake again, ever. Did you notice how easy it was for me to just cut it off, just like that? There were never any emotional ties or romantic feelings between me and the guys or vice versa. What we did wasn't about romance, it was only sex. They don't want a future with me. They all love their wives and I love you. None of us wanted to risk our marriages, it was just in fun."

"Does it look like I was having any fucking fun, Iris?" I yelled. Then I just turned away from her and put myself back together.

"Why are you getting two steaks out?" she asked. "Do you want me eat with you?"

"One is for Aubrey," I said.

"Jay was right," she hissed. "I don't want you spending any time with her. The two of you don't know how to do this correctly. You're too emotional. You'll end up in love with her or something. She isn't even your type."

"What do you mean she isn't my type?" I asked. "I don't have a type."

"I'm your type," she said.

"So my type is lying, cheating, sluts?" I asked. "Okay you're right, she's not like that."

"What I meant was that she's not built the way you like your women," she said.

"Iris, you're stupider than I thought," I said. "I don't love someone for the way they look on the outside. I loved you for the person I thought you were. I loved the conversations we had, and our shared values and a thousand other things about you that were just beautiful. It wouldn't have mattered to me if you weighed 80 pounds or 800 pounds I fell in love with the person I thought you were."

"It's like algebra, Iris. I loved you. You have big tits. Therefore, I love big tits. I didn't just go out and decide that I only like big women. That would be kind of stupid. I just glorified and learned to appreciate all of the things you have, because I loved you. I could just as easily fall in love with someone with a slim and sexy body as I could with someone bigger."

"Barry, why do you keep saying loved?" she asked.

"Iris, yesterday a big part of me died. I told you this morning that everything started all over again. Right now when I look at you, all I see is you lying down on the coffee table begging them to fuck you. I'm not sure I'll get over this."

"But you have to," she whined.

"Why?" I asked. "Life will go on whether we're together or not. I'm not trying to be hard or cruel, Iris. But sometimes you can hurt a person so badly that they just don't get over it. Look at Aubrey. Look at what you and the guys did to her. When we first moved here she was one of the sweetest people we know. Look at the way she's been acting for a whole fucking year, because of the FUN you guys were having. Can you imagine how she suffered for all of that time, hoping that Jay would stop? Eventually she just fell out of love with Jay. You guys just FUNNED it all out of her."

"But Jay still loves her," said Iris. "He's going crazy right now. He thinks that you two are going to start having sex and that you'll take her away from him. You remember all of those hurtful things he said last night. Remember how he said that trading her for me wasn't a fair trade. Remember you said the same thing. You said that if you had choice you'd never agree to do anything like that."

"Iris, that's the part that neither you nor that asshole Jay seem to get," I snapped. "Aubrey and I didn't have a choice. No one came to us and said, "Hey, Barry. Would ya be interested in a bit of wife swapping? It'll be FUN, Barry. I'll plow Iris for a while and you can fuck the cowboy shit out of Aubrey, then we'll trade back. No one said that Iris. Neither Aubrey or I got the memo."

"So now that the shit has hit the fan, you, Jay and the rest of the Mouseketeers want to talk about having a choice and what you want or don't want to have happen. But it isn't your turn to choose anymore, Iris. You and Jay already had your turn to choose and now you aren't happy with the choice you made. It sucks doesn't it?"

Iris just sat at our kitchen table with her head down. It looked like she was really thinking about what I'd said.

I heard a couple of footsteps on the back porch. As I opened the door, I turned to Iris.

"Iris," I said softly. She raised her head and looked at me with tear filled eyes. "Is it still FUN?"

Aubrey and I sat out on my deck and grilled our steaks. We laughed and talked and had a great time, almost as if we were oblivious to the fact that Jay and Iris were staring at us out of their respective windows. One thing that was interesting that night was that Debbie came over. She wanted to talk to us about something. Wally, of course, made up an excuse to go and see Jay. The two of them sat there in the window, mad enough to chew nails. Once I saw them looking at me and raised my hand like it was a gun. I mimicked a shooting motion and the window snapped shut.

At first, Aubrey wasn't talking to Deb either, but it soon became apparent even to her that Deb really didn't know anything about what was going on. We decided not to tell her yet, because we were simply not sure of how Deb would take it.

The rest of the week was similar with the exception that I did get to go out and actually run. Aubrey borrowed Deb's bike. There were even a few nights when I ran slower than I could so she could go ahead of me. I have to admit that Aubrey's ass is a work of art. I spent a lot of time wishing that I was that bike seat.

Friday came and we decided that it was time to let Jay, Iris and company know what their punishment was.

I told Iris and she spread the word among all the others that we'd be having a meeting on Sunday afternoon, right after the Lion's game.

On Sunday morning I went out for my long run. I ran 22 miles and felt good but tired afterwards. I had to admit that I'd missed Aubrey being with me while I ran. But I didn't know what to make of it.

When I got home, Iris had made something to eat for me and I, as had become the norm, walked right by her. My legs were so tired I could barely move without them cramping and tightening up. I hit the shower and started to stretch for a while. A couple of my friends from work arrived shortly after that and I called and ordered pizza and showed them to my den.

When the pizza guy got there, I noticed that Jay and Wally were nervously sitting on Jay's front porch. They smiled when they saw that I'd ordered three large pizzas. They thought that since I hardly ever ate more than two slices, even after an extremely tough run, that things were getting back to normal. I nodded at them politely and turned to go back into the house.

Just as kickoff time came, I heard my doorbell ring. I excused myself and went to answer the door. I saw Jay, Wally and Bart standing there on my porch. Apparently they hadn't seen the other cars in my driveway.

"You're early," I said. "The meeting isn't until after the game." Aubrey picked that moment to walk up on the porch. She had on the tightest top I'd ever seen. Her breasts were nowhere near the size of Iris' but on her small frame they looked huge. It was very obvious that she wasn't wearing a bra. She also had on a pair of shorts so tight and tiny that Daisy Duke herself would complain about them. She was carrying another plate of cookies. She stepped inside the house through the door that I was holding open. Wally and Bart both gulped loudly and Jay looked like he was about to lay an egg.

"Well guys," I said. "See you after the game."

"Why did you order all of that pizza, for just two people," asked Wally. Before I could answer him, Derrick Coleman, one of my friends at work came out of the den.

"Uhm, Barry, there's a girl...I mean a woman sitting in your chair. She's not your wife. Uhm, the guys and I were wondering..."

"Just be nice to her," I said. "She's my friend too. She's watching the game with us." He shook his head and then turned to go back in my den. "How are we supposed to watch the TV with her in there?" he mumbled. Jay got even more pissed when he heard that.

"You have people over to watch the game with you?" asked Bart.

"Of course, the best way to enjoy something is to share it with your friends. Isn't that what you did with my wife, Jay?" He fumed as he heard me ask the question. "Anyway, I thought I had friends once, but they turned out not to be the kind of people I should associate with. So I got new friends. See you at four thirty." I closed the door with a resounding thunk.

I watched the game with three guys from work. They ate the food and yelled and screamed at the game but I could tell that most of their attention was on Aubrey. They wanted to know who she was, other than her name. They wanted to know why my wife hadn't said a word and why she was sitting so close to me. When they found out that Aubrey had made the cookies, they devoured them. They told her that although pizza and beer was a more traditional thing to eat while watching football, they agreed with her that cookies and milk was a much better choice. I told Aubrey that they were sucking up to her and she just laughed.