There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 07

I told her I was getting married to a wonderful woman who completed me. I was very happy and today was a new beginning for our daughter, and me. Our lives were going to be very interesting from this day forward, because Delicious was brilliant, and Gordon was as well. They were going to make a very interesting team as we build our spacecraft to go to the stars.

Yes, my dearest sister, we are coming to see you. It will take us some time, but we will be there.

"Dad, Gordon was worried. You said you would be back by 11 o'clock; its 11:30, are you alright?"

I turned, and Delicious was standing there in a robe and slippers. "Yes baby, I am fine. I've been talking with your mother. I guess I lost track of time."

"How did you get all wet?"

"A quick rain shower passed overhead. I guess I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the wrong time."

"You better come with me; you are soaked to the skin. You are going to get sick."

I laughed. "It's funny you should say that. If you remember how your mother put it in her diary, that's how you were conceived."

"I am on the pill dad. There will be no incest today. If you want to get someone pregnant, let it be Jennifer."

"I was just making a comparison between a freak snowstorm and a freak rainstorm. You may be a virgin, but you are too old for me to think about incest. I also knew you had black panties on under that belt you were wearing."

"It was not a belt; it was a micro-miniskirt."

"And George Washington really did chop down his father's cherry tree."

"Do you really want to get into this now; or should we start back and let Gordon know that you are okay?"

"We may as well continue. It's a seven minute walk back to the house."

"Most of our questions take longer to ask than seven minutes. What would be the sense and asking one?"

"It would take you a week to find out the answer to my question."

"You have never asked me a question I could not answer immediately."

"$10 into the cookie jar says I can ask you a question you can't answer immediately."

"Go ahead, I'm in."

"What was the name of Rod's first girlfriend? Watch your language because it will cost you more than $10."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate you dad? That was not a fair question. I thought you were going to ask me a question about science, or math. How am I supposed to know about the personal life of a man, who was dating someone when I wasn't born yet?"

"How, when, and where did Albert Einstein die?"

"He died of an aortic aneurysm on April 15, 1955 in a Princeton hospital; why?"

"Were you alive then?"

"You are a real prick dad. Einstein is one of the most famous scientists this world has ever had. Of course I would know about him. I have only known Rod since June, how would I know his sexual history?"

"How to Rod get Rosalynn to marry him?"

"I am not talking to you for the rest of the day. I will put my $20 into the pretzel jar. If you say another word to me, you are going to have to write down the words, "I DO" to marry Jennifer, because I will have broken your jaw."

"It has been an experience talking to you. We are home. I must assure my son that I did not fall into a deep hole, and you had to rescue me. I would never live that down."

"I could always break your leg, and dig that hole later."

"You would need dynamite, blasting caps, and a truck to haul away the debris."

"I could always use Freolyte."

"Very good, that's 1 point for your side, and 99 points for mine. You may catch up to me one day."

"I hate you dad, I really, really do."

I stopped, pulled my daughter to me, and kissed her. "I hate you three times as much."

"I still want my winter home in Maui."

"Go to Maui, find a site that you want, and buy it. Design your dream house and give it to an architect. If that's what you really want, it's yours."

She kissed me, and hugged me so tight I thought she was going to break my ribs.

"You are too much dad. When I grow up I will think about it. By the way, I told you not to talk to me."

Gordon opened the front door and asked us if we were ever going to come inside.

"Yes we are. I was just waiting for Delicious to get all her bad words out of the way before we came inside. She is adding $20 to your Wednesday night winnings. Did you sleep well?"

"I don't remember falling asleep. When I woke up I was in your bed in my pajamas. It was almost 10:30. I read your note, ate my breakfast, and waited for you to come home. When you were late I got worried. I woke up Delicious, and showed it to her. She decided to check on you."

"It was very smart of you to do that Gordon. I lost track of time, and I could have been very late getting back. If I was late for my wedding I would be laying beside my sister soon after I said the words 'I DO.' Your mommy would not be happy with me."

"Do all women have a problem with men being late?"

"Let me shorten your sentence, and then I will answer it. ' Do all women have a problem with men?' The answer to that question is YES. You already know that the brain has two sides. Men use the logical side. Women use the artistic side. From the day a woman is born her goal in life is to change a man. (Dammit, I forgot to duck again.) I looked at Delicious and growled. That is why God made them beautiful. Men look at a flower and not only see its beauty, but wonder why it is so beautiful. They take apart the leaves, the stamen, the roots, and all the other parts of this beautiful organism and catalog each piece so future generations will know why it is so beautiful. They cannot do that to another human being, although when it comes to some woman they would love to. That is why women remain an enigma to men. That is what a woman uses against a man to trap him. She looks different, she walks different, and she smells different. He can't catalog the pieces of her, so he has to buy the entire package. Once she has him in her web, she stings him like a spider, folds him in her silk, waits for him to soften, and eventually eats him alive. (I ducked just in time.)"

"Dad, stop poisoning his mind. You know that's not true."

"Why is the divorce rate 52 percent of all marriages in the United States?"

"Because people have forgotten how to communicate with one another."

"Or in other words, Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars."

"Don't talk to me until after the wedding. I don't want to hurt you."

"Come on Gordon, it's time for us men to start getting ready."

"What are you talking about dad? It's 12:15 PM. We don't leave until 3 PM. How long is it going to take you to get dressed?"

"Do you see what I mean Gordon, Delicious does not know how to use logic. We have to change the sheets on the bed, and tidy up our room. We have to be sure when I bring your mother home tonight everything looks pretty. Then you will take your shower, while I will shave and take my shower. We will layout our clothes and make sure everything is perfect. At 2:30 PM we will begin dressing, and we will leave for the church on time, at 3 PM.

If we were women, we would put everything off until the very last moment, and start screaming that we were late. All it takes my son is a little planning and the right attitude."

Delicious screamed, turned, and ran up the stairs. Moments later Grayson walked down the stairs.

"Good morning; what did I miss?"

"Gray, if I were you I would be very complementary to my daughter's today. One wrong word and you could wind up on the floor."

"What did you do to her?"

"I was explaining to Gordon the difference in the hemispheres of the brain, between men and women. I did it using less than flattering terms, and she is a little upset now."

"Do you have body armor in the house?"

"I'm sorry; I left that off my Christmas list last year."

"The next time you decide to do that to her, would you make sure I am in Texas."

"What fun would that be?"

"I don't consider being black and blue fun. I don't consider going to an oral surgeon fun. I more than like her Doctor Luck. I would like to get close to her, but I don't want to get hit when I do."

"You can call me Even, and my daughter told me how you feel about her. I did not tell her what to do, because that decision is hers and hers alone. As far as easing up on her, that's not what I am doing to her. I'm helping her grow. She has never had to deal with anyone like me. I confuse her, and she needs to be confused. Her mother was always there to protect her, not only from her father, but from every other male around her. My sister protected her too much. During these last few years of her life Delicious has always been on the offensive, against boys her own age. She can't play those games anymore, because she's not in school. She's not in the confines of the building. It's a big bad world out here, and you are part of it. She likes you a lot, much more than a lot, and you are confusing her just as I am. It is good for her to be confused. She has to work through it by herself, in order to grow. You continue doing what you're doing. I'll continue doing what I am doing. We will both watch her blossom into a beautiful rose. She is going to be a marvelous young woman."

"She already is Even, she takes my breath away."

"We leave at 3 o'clock on the dot. My fiancé will kill me if I'm late for my own wedding. Please be ready to go."

"You mean I can't go like this?"

"You are Delicious' escort. You will miss our organizational meeting tomorrow, on the building of our starcraft, because you will be in a Denver hospital. We will record it for you. When they find a way to reattach your head to your body, we will play it for you."

*******

My son was dressed perfectly. I put him in a cranberry colored shirt, and matching hanky in his jacket. Today he was not wearing his Keds; he was wearing his black boots. He looked dashing to me, but as he looked in the mirror there was a bit of concern on his face.

"What is the matter Master Gordon? The female of the species will be falling all around your feet because of how dashing you look."

"It's this shirt dad. I've never seen a man where this color before. Mom wears this color. Grandma wears this color. I've seen many women wear this color. I've never seen a man where this color before."

"I will change it for you if you are that uncomfortable, but come with me first and I will show you the shirts I have in my closet. If you think women only where colors, I am going to have to throw most of my shirts out."

As Gordon walked into my closet his mouth opened. Thank goodness he didn't see my old clothes. If he didn't like plaids, he would have hated everything in there.

"You wear these colors dad?"

"I haven't worn all of them yet, but I'm going to. I'm going to dress nice for your mother every day, because I love her. It doesn't take any more time or effort to dress nice, then it does to dress like a slob. I think if we dress nice your mother will be happy with us. Don't you think so?"

"Yes I do dad. Mommy always dresses nice too."

"Your mommy is beautiful inside and outside. Don't ever forget that."

"I won't."

We walked downstairs, and Gray was reading the paper at the kitchen table. I gave Gordon the Sudoku, and I took the local portion as we waited for my Princess to make her entrance. God did she ever make an entrance.

We heard her walking down the stairs, so we folded the newspapers and stood up. When she entered the kitchen, we stopped breathing. She was stunning. Her hair was up, her makeup was perfect, and the dress she was wearing was... breathtaking. Gray and I could neither speak, nor move.

Gordon said, "You look very pretty Delicious."

"Thank you Gordon, you look very handsome. What happened to those two?"

"I think they were waiting for the other you, and they got this you instead."

"Do I look that different?"

"Yes, now you look like a movie star."

"Thank you Gordon, that was very nice of you to say."

I said to my daughter, "You are never allowed to look that beautiful and leave this property unguarded. You look ravishing, you look exactly like your mother."

"Don't you dare make me cry. It took me an hour to do my hair and makeup."

"I will not make you cry, I promise. I just want to know how much lubricant you had to use to slide into that dress."

"As God is my witness dad, if you start up with me now you will not make it to the church on time, if at all."

"I stopped you from crying, didn't I?"

"You son of a bitch."

"I will put the $10 in the pretzel jar for you." Gordon watched me do it.

"Are you going to say anything about the way I look Gray?"

"You are positively stunning. I have many other things I could say, but you asked me not to push you, so I won't. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You will find that out today, at the reception. You will have to beat every man that approaches you off with a stick, because they may not want to take no as an answer."

"Lady, gentlemen, it is the witching hour. It is the time for us to leave. I don't wish to be late and receive the ire of my blushing bride. So far I know she bites, kicks, and punches with authority. I don't want to find out that she is a black belt in any of the Oriental arts. Gray I think you should drive. I'm not sure she could get her feet from the gas pedal to the brake pedal. That skirt is much too tight."

"You said you would not start with me, dad."

"I'm going to be in a different car, and I'm going to be behind you. If you want to play bumper cars with the people in front of you, you will clear the way for me."

She threw her purse on the floor, and said, "That's it, you're dead meat."

Gray grabbed her around her waist and pulled her body against his. He kissed her neck, and whispered something into her ear. I didn't hear what he said, but whatever it was it took to steam out of her anger.

Delicious looked at me. "You should thank your lucky stars Gray is here. If he wasn't I would be your only child."

"I guess Gray doesn't know that you have one tiny weakness, does he? The same weakness your mother mentioned in her diary. Do you remember it Delicious? How my sister, your mother used to scream in agony when I did it to her. Should I tell Gray all about it so he can do it to you at his leisure?"

"You wouldn't do that to me. You wouldn't be that evil or mean. That would break all the ties between us. It would make you a pervert of the highest order."

"You would give up everything, including your house in Maui because I would tell Gray that one little thing? It's after 3 PM. I have to go to my wedding. I'm going to think about this. I'm going to laugh about it all the way to the church."

"Don't you do this to me dad, don't you even think about it."

"Let's go everyone; I'm locking up the house."

Delicious walked by me, with fire in her eyes, in that smoking hot dress. Gray was inches behind her. Gordon fell in step with me.

Before she reached her Q7, she hit Gray.

I yelled, "If you touch him again, you can stay home, or you can leave here permanently. The choice is yours."

There must've been a tenor in my voice that frightened her. She looked at me, as I returned her glare. She said something to Gray, kissed him and hugged him for a moment. He didn't let her go. She looked up at him again. This time, he kissed her.

"Okay you two, its five minutes after three; I am leaving. I will see you at the church."

Delicious said, "I thought you were following me?"

"I wasn't sure if you two were going to make it to the church on time."

"I want my leash back."

"No you don't. You just think you do. It will get easier in 15 or 20 years."

"I needed to hear that right now dad."

She tried to get into the car but her skirt was impossibly tight. Finally she gave up and asked Gray to help her get into the car. Apparently he made her an offer she couldn't refuse, although by the look on her face she wanted to. She was furious.

With her head down she stalked to the passenger side and waited. She was so hot steam was rising from the ground around her. She finally turned, and allowed Gray to put his hands on her hips. He lifted her and placed her on the passenger seat. She sat there like a stone. He started to pull the seatbelt across her body.

She screamed, "I'll do it."

Gray walked around to the driver's side, gave me a thumbs up and a big smile. He closed the door, and started the engine, and we were ready to roll.

I opened the gates, set the timers and the alarms. Delicious had delayed us by only 15 minutes.

"Do you understand now why I wanted to leave so early Gordon?"

"I think so. Do women always slow you down when you have to go somewhere?"

"If you are going to use it as a general rule: YES. If it's something you want to do, you always add 30 minutes or more. If it's something they want to do you always add 15 minutes."

"Do they know that rule?"

"No, and you are never to tell them. The only way you can be guaranteed a woman will be at the place she is supposed to be, at the time she is supposed to be there, is on a day like today, when she is getting married. It would take an act of God to keep your mother or any other woman from being at the altar to say the words 'I Do.' A nuclear war would come in an extremely distant second."

"Is it caused by the need to reproduce?"

"I've never thought of it quite that way, but a woman can reproduce without being married. You are a prime example. However, I think that is worth further study. I will ask several of my friends who are into the field of psychology to delve into that question and see what they come up with. That was a brilliant question Gordon, absolutely brilliant."

"I know."

We didn't take Interstate 70 for the short ride into town. After Gray and I hit the obligatory pothole, we went under the highway and made a left turn on Stanley Road, which paralleled the interstate. It turns into Colorado Boulevard, the main street of our little town.

Our church is so small; it is not even listed on area maps. It is on the site where an old warehouse used to be that had gone on used for years. Then this young priest, Father McAuley, did a walking census of our town to see how many Catholics were there and if they would be interested in helping him restore it and make it a church. There were more than 100 Roman Catholics in the area. The closest Catholic church to us was the Cathedral in the center of Denver. Driving there every weekend during the winter months, with snow and ice on the ground, was asking for trouble. Just the thought of having a church in our own little community made everyone happy to donate time and money to this cause. The prime mover in this event was Rosalynn Laver. Rosalynn had the ear of my attorney, Rodney Laver. Actually she had him by the balls, and when she wanted him to do something, she squeezed them tight. In this case, she used a vise.

**********

"Rod, I want to have this little baby of ours baptized in my church."

"Don't worry about it baby, the warehouse will be completed in plenty of time for our little one."

"I don't want my baby baptized in an old warehouse. I want our new baby baptized in my new church. Tear down that damn warehouse and build me a small church."

"It could take me years to do that honey. I have to get it approved through the city council, have plans drawn up, and get them approved by building and zoning. There are a dozen other things I would have to do before we can even put a shovel in the ground. It will be impossible to do before this little one is born."

"I guess you should tie your dick in a knot, because you're not getting laid, until I have my church."

"Honey, that's not fair. You're giving me less than seven months to do 2 1/2 years work."

"I would suggest you get started. Even says you are the smartest lawyer he has ever known; it's time you proved it."