There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 07

"You are using cruel and inhumane punishment. Even prisoners get conjugal visits."

"I didn't say you could not visit. I said you could not drive in."

"That's worse than not visiting."

"The choice is always yours Rod. Build me my church; I don't like driving into Denver, with my children, every Sunday. A small church for 600 or 700 people, that shouldn't be so hard."

"What happened to a church for 100 people?"

"I was just making sure you were listening to me. Get to work."

He did; he came to see me.

*************

"Even, I need a favor."

"You look terrible; what's the matter?"

"Roz wants to baptize our new baby in a church."

"That shouldn't be a problem; the warehouse will be finished in plenty of time."

"She doesn't want it baptized in a reconditioned warehouse. She wants it baptized in a new church. She has threatened to cut me off if she doesn't have her way."

"Oh my Lord, poor Rod, a fate worse than death. Dante's Inferno level 8."

"Stop fooling around with me, Even. Help me figure out a way around this."

"It's not my job to help you. It's your job to help me. Think of something."

"If I think of something will you help me?"

"Why do I have a feeling you have already thought of something, and are just reeling me in?"

"I would never do that to you. I am your friend."

"You are also a sneaky bastard. What do you have in mind?"

"I want you to come to the city council meeting with me tomorrow night, and just sit there without saying a word. I will take care of everything."

"How much trouble are you going to get me in? How long am I going to be in jail?"

"I would never do anything to you that would put you behind bars. I will swear to that."

"You would swear to anything as long as you could get laid."

"Even you know me too well."

*********

The following evening I found myself sitting with 30 other members of our community. My name was prominently displayed as last on the agenda to speak. Rod's name was first.

"Members of the Council, I would like to speak to you tonight about the warehouse that sits in the northeast corner of Fourth Street and Evergreen Avenue. It has been vacant for five years. It has no owner of record. It is rusted and in ill repair. No taxes have been collected on that property, and no bid to buy it has ever been made. I would like to tear down the building and put up a new structure in its place. The new structure would not bring any new tax dollars to this community, but it will be a definite benefit to many of our citizens, and a beautification to the area. If the council can approve it tonight, and call for a second reading as soon as possible, I can begin that process immediately. Thank you very much."

"Mister Laver you said that the new building will not bring any new tax dollars to the community. What do you intend to build on that site?"

"I intend to build a Roman Catholic Church for Father McAuley."

"Is there a reason for this largess?"

"Yes there is. We are relatively small community, and we have just over 100 members of the Catholic community living here. In order to practice their religion, each weekend they must travel over 140 miles, into the center of Denver, to do it. In the summer that is not a problem. Once it starts to rain, and snow, when our wintery weather sets in that becomes a very hazardous situation. Many of you are very aware of this because your houses of worship are distance away also. There are no houses of worship in our community. This small church will be the first."

"How small is the church you thinking of building?"

"I am not thinking of building a cathedral. I am talking about a building with a capacity of less than 150 people."

"Are you going to have spires and bells?"

"Considering our winter weather, I think that would be a foolish undertaking. No there will be no spires or bells."

"Thank you Mister Laver, the council will take it under advisement."

"Thank you very much members of the Council."

********

There were several other speakers before my name came up. They talked about road improvement, updating the library, and a host of other small city items. Then it came my turn, and Rod approached the lectern again.

"Mister Laver you have had your chance to speak."

"You are correct. I am now speaking as the attorney for Doctor Even Luck, who is in the audience this evening. Doctor Luck is in favor of building the church as quickly as possible. To that end he proposes the following: He will contractually obligate himself, upon approval of the Council to allow building to begin on this new structure, to fund the Idaho Springs Police and Emergency Medical Service Departments for a period of five years. He will purchase all new modern vehicles with all the new electronic equipment available for both departments. We are a city of 1717 people. If we put this savings into our general fund, and use it wisely over that period of time, all our current and immediate future needs can be met without borrowing a penny from the banks. We will save thousands of dollars on interest and fees alone. Using cautious figures, the savings per year for these two departments will be $1.35 million, or approximately over the five-year period $18 million. That is a very large savings for a very small community as ours. As an attorney, and a citizen of this community, I humbly request this Council to approve this measure tonight, before closing this meeting. You may never get another bite at this apple. Thank you very much."

The 28 people sitting in the room turned towards me, cheered, applauded. I was ready to kill my attorney. He could have at least warned me about what he was doing. It wasn't the money. I had more coming in than I could ever spend. I just hated being the center of attention, and he knew it. I was going to speak to Rosalynn, and my friendly attorney was going to be in intense pain for a week.

The president of the council pounded his hammer (It was a real hammer) and called the meeting to order. He asked the members of the Council for a voice vote on the motion to accept Doctor Even Luck's proposal. Seven members voted yes; there were no dissenting votes. The motion passed unanimously.

The president said, "Mister Laver as soon as you can get a contract made up, and signed by your client, we will submit it to the city's attorney for approval and the Council will sign it. As soon as that is done you may begin work."

Rod opened his briefcase and pulled out a 47-page contract. He asked for a moment, while his client signed it. He brought it to me and smiled. I smiled and signed it for him. He knew he was in trouble, because I never smiled when I signed anything.

Rod handed the contract to the city clerk who stamped it and gave it to the Council president. He laughed, "There's nothing like being prepared is there Mister Laver?"

"There are very few times in the history of any town that someone offers you an opportunity to save $18 million over five years. I believed in my heart that this was a foregone conclusion. There was always a possibility I could be wrong, but I doubted it."

As everyone was cheering and talking at the front of the room, with Rod and the members of the Council, I was talking with Rosalynn on my cell phone.

"Roz did he tell you what he was going to do?"

"He did mention something that involved you."

"Did he mention exactly how involved I was going to be?"

"No, but he promised you would not be in jail for bribery."

"Didn't you think that was nice of him; keeping me out of jail, while using my money to keep the city happy."

"Exactly how happy is the city tonight?"

"The city is $18 million happier than it was before Rod began talking."

"I guess I'm getting my church."

"Yes you are getting your way, and your church, but it's going to cost my friend, and my attorney a great deal of pain."

"Are you going to fire him?"

"I could never do that to him. It would be like cutting off by nose to spite my ears. No what I have in store for your husband is worse than death. He is not going to get laid for a week, is he Rosalynn?"

"Even, you are evil. He is going to come home tonight believing he is going to have the hottest night of his life, and you want me to put him in the deep freeze?"

"When you tell him "NO" tell him it's a present from me. Don't tell him how long it is going to last, but each night tell him "NO" and it's a present from me. He will go absolutely nutty, and beg me for forgiveness. On the eighth night he probably will not approach you for fear of rejection, and hearing those magic words "It is a present from me." He will break down and cry. He will never pull another stunt like this on me again."

"Is it the money Even?"

"I have more money than I know what to do with Roz. He had people stand up, look at me, and applaud. He knows I hate being the center of attention, but that's what he did to me. All I'm doing is getting EVEN. Father McAuley is going to love you. You are getting your new church. You will have it by the time your daughter is born, and she will be the first infant to be baptized there. Rod will remember this lesson until the day he dies. He will never do this to me again."

"I think he's going to make an 11^th commandment after this week. ' Don't do anything to Doctor Even Luck that could cause irreparable harm to my dick."

**************

As Delicious turned right off 4th Street, and onto Evergreen, she came to an abrupt halt. I stopped close behind her. Police were there, directing traffic as the buses disgorged my friends and colleagues from the hotel in Denver. One by one, each bus emptied, and left the area followed by the next bus. After the buses left the area traffic resumed. We pulled into the reserve spaces in parking lot by the church. It was 3:35 PM, and I was on time for my wedding.

I walked inside the chapel, holding my son's hand. One of my colleagues yelled, "I told you he couldn't find the church by himself. He had to have a little boy lead him here."

I knew this was going to be the beginning of a long day for me, because my son was laughing at me.

I could tell when my daughter walked in, because all eyes went from me to her. I reached out my hand, and she walked to me.

"Honored guests, colleagues and friends, it is with great pride I would like to introduce to you my 17 year old daughter, Delicious Luck."

There was a little confusion and first, and a small smattering of applause. However, once it started the applause grew louder and louder. Delicious waved, stood by me, holding me tight. After a moment or so, I asked Gray to escort her to her seat. Every eye in the house followed her there, including mine. She was a vision of loveliness. (Divine look what we made.) Now was not the time to cry.

I said to Gordon, "Why don't you join your sister, it appears your mommy is running a little bit late."

"Doesn't she know the rules?"

"Do you remember what I told you? You never tell a woman the rules. You only assume they know to be on time for their wedding."

"I heard a joke about the word assume."

"If you tell that joke about the word assume you lose all the money in the pretzel jar."

"Even if I whisper it to you?"

"Remember the honor code, it will serve you well."

"Okay dad, I'll tell you that joke on Thursday. Mom's here, I can see her dressed in all white."

"Hurry to your seat, the fun is about to begin."

Rod came over and asked me if I was ready to bite the bullet.

I replied, "No, but I'm ready to get married."

"Even after all these years you are still as humorless as you were when you were five."

"I had you laughing on the floor Friday."

"I could not believe that came out of your mouth. It was so not you Even. It was so funny if a comedian had said it, it would've been funny."

"So what you're telling me is even a blind squirrel can find an acorn, is that it?"

"Yes that would sum it up."

"Rod you should be happy I love you. If you or anyone else I would fire you on the spot."

"If you fired me you would have no employees."

"Wrong, I would have Delicious."

"She doesn't count; she is your daughter."

"She is also the best damn transcriptionist I've ever seen."

"Do you still want me to be your best man?"

"You have never been the best man. I just let you think you were to keep you happy. You heard what Divine said about you. You also read what she wanted me to do with you. I was a really nice guy and kept you around."

"Even you are so full of shit it's coming out of your ears."

"That's funny; I can hear you just fine."

"Don't you start with me Even; I'll publish your memoirs."

"You will not, especially with our NDA."

"I swear you stay up at night reading that contract."

"I keep telling you it's in the vault at Wells Fargo. I haven't seen it in years."

"I don't like you Even Luck. You are getting on my nerves."

"I want you to remember back to the city Council meeting, before you were able to start building this church. Do you remember what happened when you got home that evening?"

"You would not do that to me again, not again, Even. Please tell me you won't do that to me again. I couldn't survive going through that another time. I've just been fixed, and had a very long dry spell. Please don't do it again."

"Why are you trying to get me angry on my wedding day? Why are you determined to call me what I am not. My sense of humor is different from yours, but I do have a sense of humor; just ask Roz."

"I promise I'll be very good for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of the month, the rest of my life. Don't do anything rash. I am your best friend. I am your lawyer. I have your best interest at heart at all times. I may have abused you every once and again but that will never happen in the future."

"Rod, you are so full of shit. Help me get married, and let's get out here."

He screamed at me, "I hate you Even Luck!"

I walked past the front row with a huge smile on my face. Delicious stopped me. "What did you do to Rod now?"

"I did the same thing you used to do to him. You can't do it anymore and I can. It felt devilishly good."

"Dad, you are evil."

"Rod said the same thing. You must be rubbing off on me." (I moved out of the way of the left across, just in time.)

I asked my daughter, "Am I getting quicker, are you slowing down, or is it that dress? I love that dress."

She screamed, "You're dead. Make sure you sign your papers over to Jennifer before the parties over. I'm throwing you off the roof. You are dead."

My friends sitting behind her were shocked by her display of anger. I said to them, "My daughter doth protest too much. Her love for me knows no bounds. Except of course when her temper gets in her way, and that is when her Irish gets up. Or is it her Italian, or Greek, or Lithuanian, or Latvian. I forget exactly what heritage we are, but she gets mad really easy."

My friends in the Chapel were hysterical. I mean all my friends. My daughter was ready to kill me. Gray was looking for a way to escape, but he was on the inside of the pew instead of by the Isle. He was trapped.

I pulled Delicious to me and hugged her, while I had her arms trapped at her sides. I whispered in her ear, "One day I'm going to throw you a wedding in the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception. It holds 2500 people, and they are going to be hanging off the ceiling to see you. You are so beautiful today, why are you so angry. Everyone's here to have a good time. Enjoy yourself, relax, and remember, breathe."

"I can't, I think I love him."

"As soon as we finish taking pictures, go home. Come to the party, or don't come to the party, we won't mind. Think with your head, not with your hormones. Remember I will always love you, whether you are a virgin or not. It is your decision."

The music started and we were ready to rock 'n roll. Jennifer was a vision in white. I mean she was a vision. She floated down the aisle without touching the floor. She was escorted by her grandmother. When they reached me, Mrs. Stars said, "Please take good care of her, she deserves it."

I smiled at Jennifer, but I replied to Mrs. Stars, "I am going to give Jennifer everything she deserves, and a little bit more."

Mrs. Stars laughed because she knew exactly what I meant. Jennifer did too.

Father McAuley went through the ritual of marriage, and in 20 minutes we went from a single man and a single woman, to a couple joined forever before God and man. We sealed our union with a kiss that raised a portion of me that was supposed to stay silent in front of so many people. Thank goodness the tuxedo jacket was long enough to keep it covered. However, my bride took notice.

She smiled and whispered, "Stand and Deliver."

"It is standing, and if we were in a closet I would deliver it right now."

Our son approached and yelled, "Mommy do you feel any different now?"

"I have a different name now, and very soon you will too."

"How did you do that?"

"You just watched. I got married, and sometimes, when a girl gets married she takes the boy's name. I chose to take my husband's last name. My name now is Mrs. Jennifer Ann Stars Luck."

"You have four names now instead of three."

"If anyone were to ask me my name, I would say I am Mrs. Jennifer Luck. I would leave out the two middle names."

"When Doctor Luck adopts me, I will be Gordon Oliver Stars Luck. Right?"

"You are absolutely correct Gordon."

"So instead of being a 'GOS' I will be a 'GOSL'."

"If that's what you want to be, that's what you can be."

"I think I'll like being a 'GOSL.'

I couldn't help myself when I asked my son, "Will it be better than being a goose?"

"Oh yes dad, you can cook a goose. You can't cook a GOSL."

"Excellent comparison Gordon, a mind-boggling comparison."

"I know."

Jennifer and I looked at each other and laughed.

******

The church was empty, except for those of us who were going to take part in the photos. We had two photographers for speed and efficiency. After 45 minutes they were done. Gordon had two girlfriends hanging all over him. One girl was blonde, with ringlets past her shoulders. The other was a dark-haired girl with eyes of a violet. She was going to be a stunner when she grew up.

When Gordon spoke the girls' mouths were open in rapt attention trying to understand what he was speaking about. They probably did not have a clue. When we were ready to go he ran over to us and asked, "Dad can Danielle and Brandy come with us?"

I hated to burst his bubble, but I did. "Gordon we only have one child safety seat and that is for you. Tell the young women we will meet them at the party. You will continue your conversations there. Okay?"

Without answering, he turned on his heel and flew back to his new friends. I told Jennifer the story I told Delicious about the sex manuals.

She asked, "Am I one of the married women in that group?"

"I hope I can get you pregnant before he can get to you. God knows you are beautiful enough."

I received a kiss for that remark.

I raised my voice and said, "Gordon we have to leave for the party."

To my absolute amazement he shook hands with both girls, before he ran to us. This was not normal behavior for a four-year-old boy when he says goodbye. I had to keep reminding myself that Gordon is no ordinary four-year-old.

Delicious and Gray were canoodling by her car. Jennifer looked at me and I didn't say a word. I helped her in to our car, and the 15 foot long train that came along with the gorgeous gown became a bit of a problem. I folded it, rolled it, and re-folded it, nothing worked.

Jennifer said, "Stop." She got out of the car, lifted a flap of material in the back of the dress, and told me to unzip the train.