There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 32

"Does NASA report any debris on our trajectory?"

"No sir, but the guys and girls at the space station will be outside taking pictures of us as we go by."

"Jen should we go outside and blow them a kiss."

"Teddy, good grandpa, or bad grandpa?"

"Funny grandpa, but he not take me."

"I had to let someone stay in the captain's chair Teddy?"

"Me in command?"

"You would be the only one sitting in the captain's chairs. It had to be someone smart, courageous, and ticklish."

I reached over, and began tormenting my granddaughter. She was all giggles and kicking feet.

"Grandpa, I send you to your room, and put your face in corner. We doing serious work."

I laughed at her. "Please, captain, don't punish me. I won't do it again for at least two minutes."

"Okay, but I get big, I tickle you."

"I can't wait Teddy that will be a lot of fun."

"Captain, we are 110 miles above the earth 650 miles from the equator."

"Turn guidance over to the Exascale computers, and advise distance to Mars."

"Roger captain, distance to Mars 139,919,003 miles."

"Delicious should we do something about that?"

"At your command, Captain."

"Nuclear engine to 70%."

"Roger, nuclear engine to 70%."

"Magnetic engines to 100%."

"Magnetic engines to 100% sir."

The ship went dark.

I yelled status report."

Mark yelled, "I have no communications with any floor."

"Use your handheld devices and find out what the hell happened."

"Already doing that sir."

"Delicious turn off the Magnetic engines."

"They went off-line automatically dad."

"Status of the nuclear engine?"

"Nuclear engine seems fine, I have it down to 3.5%, which is enough to keep gravity, and life support. Can I go down to engineering to give them a hand? I will be close enough to the nuclear engine if anything needs to be done."

"Alright, but I want your transceiver in your ear at all times."

"Don't worry about it dad. My right ear is getting so jealous of my left ear, it's growing one of its own."

I turned my transceiver on and asked, "Monty where are you?"

"Somewhere in Main engineering where there are a lot of red lights on."

"I'm sending you a gift. He'll be down in two minutes or so. A lot of accidents have been known to happen in the dark, and if he should accidentally break his neck nobody could blame you."

"You're too kind Doctor to me. You can start making his funeral arrangements now."

Then Gordon signed his own death warrant. "You couldn't do it on your best day, Marie."

"There wasn't a sound on the flight deck, except for Teddy giggling.

One of the security agents said, "I knew we had a Teresa, and a Cynthia on board, but nobody told me we had a Marie."

"Victor, you're a dead man."

"It wasn't me Monty, I swear it wasn't me."

The difference in the two voices was evident, and Monty forgave him. She told every agent, male and female, to meet her outside, when this simulation was over.

From a darkened corner of Main engineering Gordon's voice rang out, "I'm over here Monty, are your aged eyes unable to see this far?"

"No master Gordon, we are in the middle of a simulation, and I have a job to do. When that job is over, I will take you apart, piece by piece, as I did when we were in your basement."

"No funny stuff until then?"

"On my honor, I will not attack you until the simulation is over, and we are on the exterior of the ship."

Gordon tapped her shoulder, and immediately moved out of her range. Where a normal woman would have screamed or jumped in fear, Monty would attack. He wanted no part of that.

Just as he anticipated, Monty used a leg whip that would have disabled anyone behind her. He shined his flashlight upwards so she could see his face as he said, "Nice move Monty; you are still very quick for your age."

"Gordon don't make me break my promise, because I'll be breaking your neck at the same time."

"Okay, no more wisecracks, let's find out what happened to the ship."

The 3 PM session was canceled, because the 1 o'clock crew still had not found the reason for the blackout. Everyone started looking at me as if I was dinner. I had to assure them I was a stumped as they were, because all the glitches I had put in involved the computer system. The second, fourth and fifth floors were ruled out, because there were no command and control systems on them. The first and third floors were looked over with a fine tooth comb.

Teddy napped, and during her naps, she giggled. It was nice to know she was having fun, while she was dreaming.

Everyone was soaked with sweat as the interior of the ship reached 99°, and everyone was getting on everybody else's nerves.

The lights, and air conditioning came on, and you didn't need a headset, regardless of what floor you were on, to hear Gordon's scream.

"Delicious, you kill that little bitch or I will."

Teddy's eyes opened, and she giggled.

Delicious ran over to her and asked, "Good baby or Bad baby?"

"Mommy take to Creamy Cow. Hurry, Gordon not like me."

"I don't like you at this moment. Daddy doesn't like you either. No one on this ship..."

Gordon burst onto the flight deck, holding a metal fork and knife. They were both blackened. He showed them to me, Gray and the rest of the flight crew. He walked over and showed them to his sister, and then to his niece.

"You knew exactly where to place these. As soon as your mother brought the magnetic engines online 0.5% for the test, everything electrical in the ship went dead. Only the electricians, their supervisors, and your mother would know exactly where to do this and cause a fault in the entire system. There are only six access doors, where tests can be done, and they are all at ground level. You did this after the last test of the magnetic engines were done, and before today's simulation. Let Her Go Delicious, if I have to I will kill you, Gray and anyone else that gets in my way. I have to kill her."

Teddy frowned. "I not allowed fork and knife. How you know me?"

Gordon opened his left hand, which had little pieces of dried spaghetti in it.

Gordon asked, "What do you see in my hand monster that you are?"

"Messy getti."

"Are you guilty of this crime?"

"Yes, I do it."

"Before I kill you, are there any more of these wonderful gadgets of yours around the ship?"

"Only seven."

Delicious yelled, "Seven! Where are they, and if there are eight of them instead of seven, your behind is going to be redder than a red light."

"Grampa's test too easy, I make it fun."

"First things first. Where are the other seven items that can cause the ship problems?"

After confessing to where her hidden objects were, it became obvious how she did it. She would start fussing, while her mother was holding her, and while engaged in a conversation, it would take two or three minutes for Teddy to perform her little magic act, which would ruin the spacecraft."

When everything was found, Gray looked into his daughter's eyes and said, "Thank you Teddy for being so honest with us. Can you think of anything else that's wrong with the ship?"

"Must tell water people not put water in same cars that carry oil. Not good for ship, not good for people."

"Thank you Teddy, I'll let Gordon take you to the Creamy Cow."

"Over my dead body."

"Monty would you convince my son to take his niece to the Creamy Cow, in the most hurtful manner. He has a match tomorrow night against Dr. Oyster, and I would like to see his ass get kicked by him also."

"Dad that's not fair. Everyone on the ship would like to kill that little imp right now. Three hours of working in the dark, checking over every connection, circuit, and motherboard to see where the fault was. We have three weeks to go before this becomes real, and she has us playing games."

"Did you say playing games? Why didn't we find all eight of her games? She's not even three years old, and it took us more than three hours to find the one that turned off all electrical power. Why didn't we find the other seven? Are we that incompetent? I think I'll have her do it again and again until we find everything she hides. If a three-year-old can do it, maybe you can hide some turkeys on this ship. Now take my granddaughter and buy her some ice cream."

"I'm sorry dad, you're right. Come with me Teddy, I'll buy you a banana split."

"What happened to banana? Why it break?"

"Too much ice cream on it."

"How much ice cream?"

"Three scoops, any kind you would like, but usually it is banilla, chocolate, and strawberry. You add whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries on top. That is called a banana split."

"I have to eat chicken first?"

"No, grandpa only said ice cream. I think this will keep you full all night. We will also ruin your clothes."

"That okay, daddy keep putting two stacks on floor every week."

"Why is he doing that Teddy?"

"Tell grandma have two girls in belly. Mommy have two babies in belly too."

My eyes went straight to Jennifer. Her eyes lost all color. All she had was this blank stare on her face.

Gray's eyes went straight towards Delicious.

The reactions of the two women could not have been more varied. In a matter of seconds, Jennifer's knees began to give way, the muscles controlling her head lost all their strength, and she began to sink towards the floor. She was in my arms before she dropped 12 inches.

Delicious was so happy for Jennifer, she ran straight for her, and helped me lie her down.

Gray went to kiss his wife, but she pushed him away. "Would you make yourself useful and get mom some water please."

As Jennifer's eyes began to flutter open, she saw my smiling eyes looking down at her. I kissed her head, her cheeks, her nose, and her lips. Finally, I said, "You owe me $300."

"Why?"

"I put $300 under the pretzel jar and said you were going to have a girl. You should actually give me $600, because you are going to have twin girls."

"I have one thing to say to you Even."

"Dear remember there are two children underneath the age of 18 in this room. Keep your tongue under control."

Gordon said, "Congratulations mom, I will kiss you later, and take the other person, who is underneath the age of 18, for ice cream. I will see you at home later."

"Thank you Gordon, I love you."

"You were going to say something to me dear."

"Yes dear I was. Fuck You Even. First you will going to get me pregnant and leave me alone to have your child. Now you're taking me with you, and I'm having two of your children. I think we will both stay home and be rich."

"That's not an option dear."

"Monty, I will give the Indian Nation of your choice $100 million if you break both my husband's legs."

"I'm sorry Jennifer I can't do it. However, I can give you the names of more than 2000 people that will. Of course, they will testify against you in court, and that will cause you a problem."

"I won't go to jail for my husband. He is too ugly for that. I guess I'll go into outer space with him, there is less female competition for me."

"You are so beautiful I am the one that has to worry. Your children are a vision of your beauty. I thank God every day they don't look like me. No woman in their right mind would fall in love with a man that looks like me. Why you did I'll never know, but I am the luckiest man in the world that you did. You made my life the most fulfilled any man could possibly have Jennifer. I never loved anyone until I loved you. I loved my work, but that was a thing. It couldn't love me, it couldn't keep me warm at night, but most of all it was never a thing of beauty like you are. I love you with all that I am, and all I will ever be Jennifer Stars Luck."

Jennifer took me around the neck and we kissed as we often do, soul to soul.

It was broken up moments later, when Delicious yelled, "Why don't you ever talk to me like my dad talks to mom? You can tell how much he loves her by the tone and texture of his words. All I get out of you is blah blah blah."

Gray responded, "You didn't say that when we were lying in the living room, Saturday afternoon."

"I wonder why you were talking to me Saturday afternoon; can you remember? You couldn't find your glasses, so your nose was finally out of a book, and you hate television. Your first and second choices were gone, and there I was. Oh well I guess I'll talk to her, there's nothing else for me to do."

"It wasn't like that and you know it."

"In other words your glasses have to be hidden more often in order to get you to talk to me?"

"You hid my glasses?"

"No, if I hid them you would have found them."

"Teddy, you had Teddy hide my glasses you had Teddy you had Teddy? That little sneak; no wonder she's so good at hiding things."

"I just realized something, Teddy told us about our children. Initially she said she wasn't supposed to do it until we saw the doctor. Now she said mom is having twin girls. She never specified if I was having both girls, boys, or a boy and a girl. I wonder what changed her mind."

Jennifer asked, "Delicious where are we going Tuesday?"

"I'm taking Teddy to the pediatrician."

"Very good, we have the first appointment with the pediatrician, because we have a 10 o'clock appointment with..."

"Dr. Lowenstein."

"Dr. Lowenstein, who is..."

"Our obstetrician."

"What are they going to do, while we are at the obstetrician's office?"

"We are going to get our sonograms."

"I knew if I gave you enough rope you would strangle yourself with it."

"You're very funny mom. Are you going to wear underwear this time?"

"I never have, why would I start now?"

"Jennifer if you don't stop that, you are going to make your daughter blush."

"When she finally gives in to Gray's request, she will not blush anymore."

"MOM!"

Gray gathered Delicious into his arms. "Baby, you can't start taking birth control pills until two months after you give birth. It would be the perfect way for us to control our primal urges."

"I Have an Answer for You Gray 'Go Fuck Yourself."

Jennifer put her hand over my mouth and said, "Don't."

"Honey, I have to tell the truth."

"You are impossible. Go ahead."

"I CAN."

Jennifer put her hand over Delicious mouth and said, "Don't."

The question didn't come from Delicious, it came from Gray.

"What can you do Even?"

"Fuck Myself."

"Please shoot me, I forgot about it."

"Don't worry about it Gray. Like every other muscle in your body, the more you use it the bigger it gets."

"Oh God!"

"Even!"

"Daddy that's disgusting."

"Would you like to try a little incest dear?"

"Where did you put my gun Even?"

"What did I promise you the evening I proposed? If you don't remember darling, I can bring a three-year-old boy in here who can quote it to you from memory."

"The 3 year-old is 17 years old now."

"Time just flies by when you're having fun."

"Let's not use the word fun Even, let's use the word interesting instead."

"Okay, interesting, our lives together have been very interesting."

"Do you realize you never took me to Paris, London, or Rome?"

"Do you realize I have never been to Alabama, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Washington State, West Virginia, Wyoming, or Hawaii? Some states I was in their airports, but I counted them as states I visited.

However, I have been to such exciting places as Oran Algeria, Sofia Bulgaria, Budapest Hungary, Marrakesh Morocco and Bucharest Romania. The conversations I had in these countries were very interesting, and very one-sided. I wish you were with me when I visited those wonderful places. At least I would have had someone, other than the other delegates to speak to, and to have a real conversation over dinner."

"Dad do you realize you did all those states, and countries in alphabetical order."

"Isn't that the way it's supposed to be done Delicious?"

"Don't start with me dad, I will beat the shit out of Gray when we get home."

"What did I do?"

"You are a man, and my dad is pissing me off."

"I guess I'm going to have to tan your behind. You're getting out of hand again."

"Fatty, those days are over for you."

"It would appear my wife and I have something extremely important to attend to tonight."

"After you attend to those matters, make sure she makes an appointment with her doctor. She is getting a lot out of hand."

"I am not getting out of line."

In harmony the three of us said, "Yes you are."

"Okay, I will make an appointment right after I kill my husband."

I kissed my daughter, and told her when I got home I was going to put a $100 bill under the pretzel jar. I was betting on Gray to win this battle of the sexes.

"Why don't you just give me the $100 now dad. I've never lost a $100 bet."

"Yes you have."

"You cheated on that one."

"You couldn't prove I cheated, so you lost that bet. You're going to lose this one also."

"I am going to take so much pleasure pulling the $100 bill from underneath the pretzel jar tomorrow morning. I'm going to look you in the eyes and smile."

"I'm going to put a second $100 bill under the pretzel jar. I'm going to bet that you cannot sit down at the kitchen table."

"This is going to be the easiest $200 I have ever made."

****************

In order to make sure Gray and I would wake up the following morning, we had dinner at our favorite restaurant. I got the last laugh, when I left Jennifer with the bill. When the waiter told her I had already left the restaurant, and she had to pay it, she turned and looked at me waving at her from outside. She was furious with me.

The waiter was very thankful however. Jennifer tipped him twice the amount of the bill. By the time she reached me, she was all smiles and laughing.

"You bastard, I almost forgot what to do."

"I have to make you pay bills more often."

"When was the last time you paid a bill?"

"It was the month before I hired Rod."

"You've trusted him for that long, and never checked up on him?"

"If I ever checked up on Rod it would ruin our friendship. I would rather him steal from me, then ruin our friendship. I would really like to see a picture of his face when he opens the envelope when we pass Pluto. I have been putting money aside, in a separate account, for him for nearly 20 years. I hope he doesn't die of a heart attack. Roz is going to be a very wealthy woman taking care of our boys. She isn't going to need another $700 million inheriting it from Rod."

"Even that's an awful lot of money to give to a friend, even if he is your best friend."

"Jennifer, I was always very smart. I was always smarter than Rod, but even from a very young age he made me work harder by telling me he was smarter than I was. He was always more sure of himself than anyone I knew. He was more assertive. He knew his place in the world. His family was rich, and I think that's the reason my sister hated him, and called him a 'hanger-on.' She didn't realize I was hanging on to him, because he made me better. All the years we were together he kept pushing me, even though I was getting 100's on tests and he was getting 95's. When his parents moved to New York, he warned me if my test scores dropped he would come to my home, and beat the shit out of me. There were two reasons I wanted to get out of Maine. My father, and the fear of Rod beating the shit out of me.

He knows he has a cushy job, and he's getting paid $10 million a year to do it. It's also the thought of what is in that envelope that keeps him close to me. I don't think he'd ever leave, unless someone offered him at least double what he's making now, but that envelope pulls at his heartstrings every day."