To Have and to Cuckold Pt. 05

Funny thing though. I don't really hate him anymore. Listening to him talk, hearing his side of things, makes him...human. He is not the big bad monster of my nightmares. Just a pathetic man who couldn't own up to his shit so he took it out on someone weaker than him. I actually feel pity for him. He isn't worth hating anymore.

"TIME'S UP!" I hear the guard yell. Everyone seems to rise at the same time. I hear grumbles and complaining all around me. Most of it was about it "not being enough time". Me, I feel the complete opposite. This whole day has been just enough time for me to face my demon and slay him. Now, I just want to be out of here and put this entire building in my rearview as fast as I can get that my car out of the parking lot.

"It was nice seeing you bab...Naomi" he says as he moves in to hug me. I actually let him even though he makes my skin crawl. This is the last time I will ever see him. No need to be a bitch.

"Maybe we can do this again sometime?" He says as hope fills his eyes.

"We'll see." I return, throwing him a bone. Truth is the next time I see him will be at his funeral, and even that is up in the air. But there is no need to beat up on him. I did what I came to do.

Now I have to work on forgiving him.

+++

JOSH NARRATING AGAIN:

I sit in front of the TV and look at the images moving across it, but for the life of me I can't tell you anything that I am seeing. My mind is wondering what the hell is happening with Naomi. God, why does she always insist on doing everything herself? It's almost like she doesn't need me.

By the time she'd been gone about two hours, I was worried sick. At four hours I was close to getting cabin fever. I almost felt like grabbing an ax and chopping through someone's door, then peeking through saying, "Here's Joshy!"

I heard the lock to the hotel room door engage after five hours. Seconds later my wife comes in. I take a second to see if I can find anything different about her. Is she happier? Sadder? Relieved? Free?

Honestly, she just looks tired. Like a warrior who just finished a big battle. Her physical appearance is as beautiful as ever, but emotionally she looks whipped.

She drops her purse on the bed and crosses the room into my arms. I hug her close as she smashed her face into my chest. I expect her to cry or something, but she doesn't. She just hugs me.

"You hungry? I ask when she finally releases me. She nods and begins undressing for the shower. I order some room service as she disappears into the bathroom. Her shower lasts about 20 minutes. When the food arrives, I just set it up for the both of us. I instinctively know that right now, she needs her time in the bathroom alone. When she finally emerges, she looks fresher. We eat in relative silence, though it isn't the awkward kind. It is more a comfortable silence; like two people who really don't have a need to talk at the moment.

Later on that night we lay on the bed blankly watching TV. She has her head on my chest and I am gently rubbing her hair. We hadn't discussed the events of her visit up until this point. I don't want to push her, and I figure that she will tell me when she is ready.

"Thank you Josh." She says softly. I pause rubbing her hair.

"For what sweetie?"

"For everything. For always loving me. For being the man that you are. For putting up with me. You have always respected me and you make me feel so loved. I know that I don't always tell you that I love you, but I do. So much. I get so scared when I realize it. Being dependent on someone is scary for me. But my life is so much better because of you. I need you in my life. You are the best man that I know. I want you to know that you are all I need, and I will always love you." She sits up and looks in my face.

"Always."

+++

After we return from the prison, life moves on. I really want to tell you that we go right back to being the loving couple we were, but that does not happen, at least not right away. Naomi is working on slaying her demon, but I am contending with something else all together.

For me it is trust. No matter what the reason was, Naomi lied to me for our entire marriage. Sure, she was also lying to herself by repressing her memories and thinking of both of her parents as dead, but deep down she knew it was a lie.

Her fucking her boss is more of a non-issue for me. Perhaps the game softened that blow for me. I don't know. But I am past her infidelity. Her lying though, that is big for me.

We had countless talks about it. Honest talks. One thing that we have learned from Beth is to listen to each other. And we do.

Over the next few months, we work on that trust. We continue to see Beth and talk. Knowing how much we like games, she suggests a college drinking game for us during one of our sessions. Those of you who have been to parties thrown by sorority girls will remember the game called "I never".

The game is really simple. One person says "I never" and then says something outrageous. Whoever else in the group is playing has to take a drink if they have done the thing that the person mentioned. For instance "I never had a threesome." Anyone else in the group who has ever had a threesome would have to drink.

Sounds silly, right? Well, we needed a little bit of silly. It is really helping us. Slowly, we are making our way back from the abyss. We are telling each other things that we never even thought was necessary to tell. I am learning more about her than I ever did when we were playing "the game". There are new sides to my wife that I am falling in love with. Her sexuality is one piece of who she is. The real Naomi, the one beneath her breasts, is so much more beautiful. I knew that, of course, but this whole experience has been so intense - and cathartic - that I am seeing dimensions and depth in her that I didn't completely understand before.

If it were possible, I am re-falling in love with her. Does that make any sense?

Of course there are other things that we are doing to gain the trust. More serious things. Naomi and I started journals. Anytime we think of something from our past we write it in the journal. Every once in while we read from each other's. Sometimes we just pick up the other person's journal to see if anything new is in it. Total transparency is the key to gaining the trust back.

+++

January 2016

As soon as I walk in the door, I am surprised by Naomi who throws herself in my arms and lays a kiss on me.

"Guess what?" She asks as she continues to pepper my face with kisses. I simultaneously try to return the affection and undo my coat.

"Na, I can't...guess with you...kissing me...all over my...face. "

She giggles and helps me out of my coat. Her face is just bursting with exhilaration.

"Okay Na, what has you so excited?"

"Well, there is a new manager at the gym. She started off as a part time personal trainer, but she worked hard and now they want her to be in charge."

"Oh my God Naomi! That's great! What happened to Shithead?"

That spark is back in her eyes. Has been for a while now. That little something extra that was most visible in her when we played the game. That thing about her that makes her alive. That "je ne sais quoi" that makes her...Naomi.

Yet we haven't played the game since September of last year.

"Well..." she continues. "It seems that a loyal customer made some complaints about the things that he observed Mark doing. He said that it disgusted him and made him want to change gyms. He said that Mark was a sexist jerk and he was making people uncomfortable. A few of the lady patrons backed him up. So they got rid of Mark and asked me to take over."

She could have told me that we won the lottery, and that would have still paled in comparison to the news she just gave me. I hug her and congratulate her.

"So, who was this customer that complained?"

She gives me an impish grin and sways from side to side. "I can't tell you his name Josh. It is confidential after all. But I can tell you that it starts with a "J" and rhymes with "berry".

You guys know what a fucking awesome guy Jerry is, right?

Her face falls when she mentions Jerry and looks worried for a second. "Speaking of Jerry, call your sister?"

I look confused for the moment as I grab my cell. "Why am I calling Trina?"

"Just do it Josh." She sounds deathly serious, which is such a contrast to how she was when I first came in that I take notice. Without another question, I call. It goes straight to voicemail.

"She's not answering Na. Her phone must be turned off. What's going on?"

Naomi looks around the room quickly, like she was deciding something. Then she grabs Henry and starts putting on his coat.

"Come on Josh. We're taking your car."

"What? What's going on Na? Where are we going?"

She stops like she was exasperated. "We're dropping Henry off at your parents', then we are going to Trina's."

I know I can be slow. But my sister's phone going straight to voicemail and the sense of urgency in Naomi's voice starts ringing all of my alarm bells.

"What's going on Naomi? Talk to me." I think she hears the panic in my voice because she slows down.

"I've been trying to call Trina all day since Jerry told me, but she hasn't answered."

"What did Jerry tell you about my sister Na?"

"It's not about your sister. Well, it kinda is. Jerry was offered a job in California. I think he's gonna take it, and I don't think Trina is taking the news very well."

+++

Walking into my sister's house is like going through a time warp. The dirty dishes. The overflowing trash can. It is so reminiscent of the time after Carlos' death that I have to swallow back the feelings of those horrible memories.

"Trina?" Naomi yells out tentatively. When we don't hear anything we proceeded in.

We'd dropped Henry off at my mom's house. When we asked her if she spoke to Trina, she said that she'd been trying to call for a couple of days but kept getting the voicemail as well. That was when I really started to worry.

So we climb the stairs and find Trina in her bed, balled up under the blanket.

"Trina?" I say softly to the figure encased in the thick comforter.

"Go away." She says simply, emphasizing both words. Her voice is flat, like there is no life in it. Naomi creeps closer to her.

"Trina. Josh and I came over to check on you. We've all been trying to get in touch with you for a few days now, but your phone is going straight to voicemail."

"I'm fine. Now go away." The figure calls out. But her voice sounds anything but fine.

"Trina..." I start to say before she cuts me off.

"GO THE FUCK AWAY!" she yells loudly. She sits up in the bed so quickly that for a split second I think that she is going to launch herself at us. Her angry eyes locks on to us with a warning that tells us to keep away from her.

However, I see through that. I see her vulnerability. Her face is streaked with tears that flows from puffy eyes. Her nose is running. She looks broken.

Naomi is startled by Trina's sudden display and backs up a bit, but I stand my ground.

"NO TRINA! I'm not going away!"

"Fuck you Josh! You're no different than everyone else. YOU ALL LEAVE EVENTUALLY! My birth parents, Carlos, Jerry, you all abandon me sooner or later. Just leave me the fuck alone!"

As she speaks I can see her spirit breaking. Finally, Jericho's walls fall and her body shakes violently as loud sobs escapes her. Taking the risk of getting attacked, I cross the room and hold her.

Trina cries into my chest. When Naomi sees that it is safe to approach, she comes over. We both just hug her as she lets it all out.

"Trina, you need to talk to Jerry." I say when her cries quiet down. She pushes me off of her.

"Fuck him! Let him go off to California. If that what he wants, then to hell with him."

Naomi shakes her head. "He doesn't want to go to California Trina. He wants you. He said so. But he wants you to want him too. He doesn't want to always be in Carlos' shadow."

Trina looks at Naomi askance. I pick it up from there.

"Sis, you don't want Jerry to move into Carlos' house, yet you don't want to leave the house to move in with him. You never introduce him as your boyfriend. How do you think that makes him feel?"

Sniffles are her response. At least she isn't denying it. That is a good sign.

Naomi jumps in. "He's been in love with you for the longest time. He told me himself when we were working out together. Countless times. He adores Callie and Little Carlos. But whenever you deny him, it tears him up a little inside."

"So what am I supposed to do guys? Huh? What does he want from me?" Trina finally asks, finding her voice.

Naomi wipes Trina's tears with her sleeve and smiles at her.

"Someone recently told me that in order to move on with my life, that I had to face the demon of my past. I had to forgive him for what he did to my life. I think you need the same thing." She says. Trina nods softly.

I just look at my wife in awe. She has the ability to amaze me. Even after all of these years I still see something in her that surprises me.

"You need to forgive Carlos for leaving you. You need to forgive your birth parents for giving you up. Trust me I know about shitty parents!"

Trina looks at Naomi confused for a second.

"My father killed my mother. I had to stay with relatives who were shitty. That is why I bonded with you so much Trina. You are like me. I wish I had people like your parents take me in. You are so lucky."

Trina looks at Naomi with a newfound fondness as she grabs her in a hug. I smile as I go back in time and see how much they have bonded. I always found it curious. Now I see that they were kindred spirit.

"You need to chase down that big muscle bound hunk who is gaga over you and make him yours. I see the way that those women look at him in the gym. He ain't gonna be single for long Trina."

Trina actually gives a small laugh as she wipes her nose

"I can't just stop loving Carlos Naomi. He was my life. I can't forget him."

Now it is my turn. "Trina, do you think Carlos would have wanted you to be like this? He lived for your happiness. You dishonor his memory by using him as a crutch. You are using him as an excuse to not let another person in. Go look at yourself in the mirror. Do you think Carlos is proud of you right now?

That statement hit jackpot. I see her visibly tense up.

"Trina, you and my wife are two of the strongest women I know. When I was in your basement, you told me to take my life back. Well, get the fuck up and take yours back. You have all of the means to be happy at your disposal. You have two great kids. You have a good job. And you have a man who loves you despite all of your drama. You kept him at a comfortable distance for the longest time, and he patiently waited. I honestly think Carlos would've liked him."

Trina smiles at that. "Yeah, he would have liked Jerry."

I grab her cell phone off of her nightstand and hand it to her. "Call him."

She takes the phone from me and searches for his number.

+++

February 2016

"Hello Beth? Hey it's Josh"

"Hey Josh! How are things? I haven't seen you guys in a while. I was beginning to worry."

"Yeah. I got the voicemail. That's why I was returning your call."

"Good. Good. So, can I look forward to seeing you guys this Thursday?"

"Actually doc, that's another reason why I was calling. Naomi and I are doing well now. I thank you for all of your help, but I think we are at a good place and don't need to come in anymore."

She was silent on the other end for a moment.

"That sounds really good Josh. I'm so happy for you two. If you will, is there a chance that I could see you one last time. Just you. Naomi doesn't need to come. I think she has what she needs to handle her situation. But with dealing with her issues, I haven't really had a chance to address yours."

"My issues? Doc, I'm fine. I don't have any issues." I actually meant it. Men are not known for their great introspective skills, you know.

"Would you humor me one last visit Josh? If I am wrong about you, then the worst thing that will happen is that you lose an hour out of your life."

I chuckle. "Don't forget about the few hundred dollars that hour will cost me doc."

Beth laughs her endearing laugh. "Too true, too true. But you have excellent insurance. You pay for it every month, whether you use it or not. This is your chance to stick it to them. I also saw a new Prada bag that I just have to have. Both of us can get a little something out of this."

Beth could sell sunlight. I can't imagine anyone being able to say no to her. I almost feel bad for her husband.

"Fine. I will be there Thursday and you can tell me all of the wonderful things about myself."

"Thank you Josh. When I buy that purse I will remember this gesture."

We both laugh as we ended the call.

+++

"There he is!" Beth says excitedly, like I am the exact person that she wanted to see. I give her a quick hug and sit down on the couch that Naomi and I shared every Thursday for many intense weeks.

"So Josh. How are things?"

"Good. Good. Naomi and I are doing well. We haven't played the game since the Mark thing. Also, Naomi got promoted when they fired him." I pause and smile at that.

"What about her relationship with her dad? Anything new on that front?"

"No, 'fraid not. She is working on forgiving him. For the most part she has, but sometimes she reverts back. I don't see her trying to let him be a part of her life. I think that ship has sailed."

Beth nods her head. "Yeah, well. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or permitting. It is simply releasing someone's responsibility of the pain they have caused you. By not holding them responsible anymore, you are letting go of that pain and the hold the person has on your life. She needed to do that."

I nodded in agreement with her.

"So, what about you? How are you Josh?"

"I'm good doc. Naomi and I are on the same page. What else could I want?"

Beth just once again nods and smiles. But this was a different one than before. It is as if I just reaffirmed something.

"Let me ask you something Josh. When you and Naomi were playing "the game" what did you get out of it?"

I think about it for a moment. "It was fun. It amped Naomi up and we had great sex."

"But what did YOU get out of it? You see, I know what she got out of it. She got to feel attractive. She felt powerful. She had control over men, including you, and had them willing to do anything for her attention. But besides having Naomi 'amped up' what did you get?"

"I don't know Beth." I answer honestly. Beth gives me a reassuring smile.

"I'll tell you what I think Josh. I think that you got to feel powerful through Naomi. I think that you felt special because someone who had such control of others CHOSE to be with you. Every time she teased some poor man mercilessly, you felt empowered because she could have any man that she wants, yet she was choosing you."

I hope Beth enjoys that Prada bag. She is worth every God Damn penny that we spend on her!

"Wow Beth. That's exactly what I feel."

"So, here's another question for you. What do you feel apart from Naomi? Every time I ask you something about you, you refer to how YOU AND NAOMI are doing. But I have rarely heard you talk about you apart from her."

"But doc. She's my wife. We are one."

"Yes and no Josh. You see, when two people become one, they don't stop being who they are. They just combine the two of them to make a better union. They supplement each other's strengths and try to compensate for each other's weaknesses. But they don't stop being who they are.