To Have and to Cuckold Pt. 05

The way I see it, Naomi has always done much of what she wanted to do. She may have asked for your input, but she never really stopped being Naomi. You on the other hand let her push you to places that you didn't want to go at first. When she allowed the masseuse to pleasure her with his fingers while she took him in her mouth, she didn't ask you about that. She did that because she wanted to. You accepted the new boundary with little hesitation. Then she further talked you into a threesome with the guy, even though you disliked him.

Even while you were dating, you allowed her to have "freedom" even though you wanted to be exclusive. In fact, you actually had a chance to have that with someone else, yet you chose Naomi. It seemed that you were always doing what she wanted, despite what you really wanted. Oh, you learned to accept the new rules, and enjoy them; you even made yourself think that it's what you wanted. But they didn't start with your input."

"Well, Naomi's always been like that. Since I first met her."

"Yes, but have you always been like that? When you first met, were you the person who enjoyed having his woman have sex with others?"

I think about that for a second, and I realize that I wasn't. I remember breaking up with her when I found out I wasn't the only one. Eventually she talked me into accepting it. Even my relationship with Mel was because she rejected me. Eventually, I went back to her.

"So, are you suggesting that I divorce Naomi doc?"

She dismisses that with a wave of her hand. "No, No, No Josh! I would never encourage a couple to divorce. Especially when they are two people who love each other as much as you two. No, I am sure that you guys belong together. But I am saying that you need to examine yourself. You see, Naomi is just Naomi. But you are 'Naomi and Josh'. You were most content in this relationship when your wife was all over you.

Josh, you told me that the excitement of the game felt like a high. That's a good analogy. People get high on drugs. You can't live on drugs forever. A marriage that depends on the excitement from a game is like a drug. It feels good until it starts to take its toll. Pretty soon you depend on that high, and you feel that you can't survive without it.

When things came down from the high you were on, you became antsy. You NEEDED Naomi to be on that high because it made you feel good about yourself. But no marriage survives with that much heat. Those marriages eventually burn themselves out. No matter how careful you are, or what "rules" you put to it, you will always wind up burned if you don't learn to accept ALL of the things that a marriage has to offer. Sometimes being comfortable has to suffice. You can spice things up, but that spice has to SUPPLEMENT your connection, not VALIDATE it. Those things need to be more like a glass of wine at dinner than a drug to get through the day."

She cocks her head to the side and looks at me as I digests the knowledge that she spilled on me. I felt like Luke Skywalker in the swamp with Yoda.

Balance, a marriage needs, young Skywalker!

"So, what I got out of the game is feeling powerful as I lived vicariously through Naomi?" I ask, though I am speaking to myself more than to Beth.

"Yes Josh. What you got out of the game was validation. The way I see it, you have always looked for others to do things for you. It was your sister's job to look after you when you were younger. Naomi always took care of you. She made sure you ate, she encouraged you; all of those things you needed she did for you. You often said that being with her made you feel safe."

"I don't see how that explains the game doc. Why did I let it get that far?"

Beth smiles at me. "You tell me. Why did you?"

"I never felt good enough for her. I've always felt that she was above me. When she always chose me, it just reaffirmed that I was better than other guys. And it is good for the ego to see that men want what I have, and that at the end she will always come back to me." Even as I hear myself say it aloud, I can't believe it. But it is true. I know it is.

"Josh, would it surprise you that Naomi has said the same thing about you? She has always felt that she didn't deserve you. You always put her first. You stuck with her through all of the things that she put you through. YOU CHOSE HER despite having a girl who was devoted to you. You felt special because she was choosing you over all others, but that is exactly how she felt all of these years."

The light comes on in my head. I see everything so differently now. My entire marriage. Both of us felt like the other was too good for us. In essence, we were both exactly what the other needed.

"May I make a suggestion Josh? I think you need to develop who YOU are outside of Naomi. There is a difference between being married because you love that person and being married because you need that person. The Josh who is married to Naomi will be happier and better if he knows who that Josh is."

I certainly have a lot to think about. Beth and I talk for a bit longer until my final session with her is over. We hug each other again and I thank for all that she has done for my marriage. Beth is truly an angel. I will miss her.

*****************************

EPILOGUE

NAOMI NARRATING:

September 2016 - One year after Mark:

"Hey mom. It's me, Naomi. I know I've never been up here to see you before. It was just really hard for me. Ya know?

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of growing this last year. I even got to a place where I wrote dad a letter and told him that I forgive him. That was pretty hard. I think I wrote 10 different versions until I found one that fit.

But now, I came up here to tell you that I forgive you too. I forgive you for being too weak to stand up to dad. I forgive you not being strong enough to leave him and be with Uncle Rick, the one you really loved.

I have always been afraid to be like you. I fought Josh tooth and nail for my independence. I was afraid that if I let that go, then he would own me like dad owned you. But you know what? Josh isn't dad. He loves me. He actually loves me. He chose to be with me on his own. He treats me with respect and kindness. He is the best man I know, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I wish you could have met him. I wish you could have seen what real love looks like. I wish you were here to see your grandson. You left behind your future because you were too weak to be yourself. But I forgive you.

I also forgive myself. I blamed myself for your death for the longest time. But it wasn't my fault. It was dad's - and maybe a tiny bit yours. You two created the hell that your marriage was. But I forgive you."

With that I kiss my fingers and touch her gravestone.

I feel a warm hand touch my shoulder. I turn around to look into the eyes of my wonderful husband. The only man that I could ever count on to be there for me. He is my hero.

"We're going to be late for the wedding Na. I don't think Trina would appreciate the Maid of Honor being fashionably late."

I grab his hand as we walk across the street to the church.

+++

JOSH NARRATING:

I sit back and look in awe as my wife does some group dance with the bride and a bunch of other drunken idiots. I make sure that my IPhone is set to record. If any of them forget what total asses they made of themselves tonight, I will direct them to the link on YouTube.

My wife and I haven't played the game since last year's revelation. You know what? We don't need it. I have fallen even further in love with Naomi than I was on our wedding day. Her sexiness is a result of who she is. Her strength, her character, the way that she loves me and pushes me to be better, the way that she lights up when Henry walks in the room, the way that she and my sister support each other; all of it makes her sexy. The things we do in the bedroom is just the physical expression of the deeper feeling.

I love my wife. We fought our demons side by side; together, like man and wife should. She is mine. Always will be. To have and to hold.

***Last notes:

Some of you found the time jumps disconcerting and confusing. I apologize for that. "The Notebook" is my wife's favorite movie, and I tried to use the technique that they used in that movie. Some liked it, others hated it.

Two shows that I have gotten into in 2015 are "Empire" and "Marvel's Daredevil". I find these shows fascinating because they, in my opinion, have the best character development I have seen. "Good guy" and "Bad Guy" are terms that don't really fit in real life. Sometimes, "bad guys" are simply "misguided guys". A person can be both the hero and the villain, given the situation. These shows embody that so well.

As usual, I finally want to thank my editor. Nonethewiser is fucking awesome. No other way to word that phrase will suffice.