Two Christmases

"You probably do," he said. "But it's clearly not the same type of love that he had for you. You forget Honey, I spent three months of my life talking and planning out your Christmas with him. Whenever he talked about you, he glowed. The man would smile every time you walked into a room and you guys have been married for five fucking years already. A lot of couples are already arguing and sick of each other by then. His office looks like a shrine to you. Liz this and Liz that. I was tired of him talking about you and I'm your God damned father."

"If you loved him even half that much, you'd never have been able to do what you did. I mean if you love someone, how the hell can you do something that you know might cause them pain?"

"I guess I never thought..." I began.

"And that is the point," he said. "He always thought about you. You were always there in the back of his mind. Remember when you first started dating and Alan started playing golf with me? Do you know that Alan hates the shit out of playing golf? He only did it to try to build a relationship with me, because I'm important to you. He was still playing golf with me three years after you guys got married. By then he did it mostly because he and I have a great relationship and he used the time while we played golf for our talks. I give him advice from time to time and act as a sounding board for some of his ideas. Like I told you before; you're my daughter and I'm on your side. I hope the two of you get back together, but truthfully baby, you don't deserve it."

Wednesday afternoon I showed up at the restaurant early. I'd worn a dress that I ordinarily wouldn't dare wear. It was a wrap dress with a very high split up the side. Alan would always try to get a booth in the back when I wore that dress so he could feel me up with no one able to see us. I'd only worn the dress twice and the second time, we never made it home. We'd pulled off the road and checked into a motel and fucked until we were raw.

As I looked across the restaurant, I saw Paula sitting at the bar. I waved to her and she glared at me. She continued to sip her drink. I wondered why she was acting like that and then I realized that not only was my husband hurt by what I'd done, but I'd made an enemy of Paula as well.

A few minutes later, John walked in. John had never been a really attractive man, but he looked like hell. His clothes were wrinkled and he hadn't shaved. I'd spoken to him over the phone a few times since Christmas but I hadn't seen him. There were still two unhealed splits in his lip. There here huge circles around his eyes. You could tell that they'd been blackened and one of his cheeks was clearly swollen. It looked like he had a wad of cotton in his jaw like Brando in the Godfather.

He nodded at me but, he too, kept his distance. The whole thing was strange. Only a few days ago, if any of us had run into the others, we wouldn't have hesitated to go over and give the other person a hug or join them for a meal. But now Paula wouldn't come near me because she hated me for ruining her marriage. And John wouldn't come near me out of the fear of pissing off Paula even worse.

The strangest thing was the fact that John and Paula wouldn't go near each other. It made me afraid for my future. John had loved Paula enough to put four babies into her. They'd raised those four kids and had a great life together. What John and I did had torn all of that apart. I hoped that Alan and I didn't end up like that. I would never let that happen.

We all sat or stood in the restaurant watching each other but not daring to directly look at each other. No one wanted to offend anyone and make things worse than they were. I couldn't see anyway that things could get any worse, but then I never thought that we'd have been caught anyway. I truly never saw myself in this position.

Then the moment we'd been waiting for came. I heard the rumble from outside first. It was a sound that I both loved and hated. The high powered growl with a secondary whine let me know it was Alan's car. That big V8 engine forcing all of that power through the exhaust system provided the low rumbling growl. As if that wasn't enough power, Alan had added a supercharger to the engine to force even more air into the intake and provide even more horsepower. The whine came from the supercharger pumping and forcing that extra air into the intake.

If Paula was hurt and angry, then John and I were hurting and guilty. Paula's anger came from being betrayed by someone she loved. John and I were the betrayers, we didn't have anger; we had guilt. We needed to try to atone for what we'd done. In John's case, it was too late for atonement. He was hoping for resolution and survival. I was still hoping that Alan would punish me and take me back.

I expected to see Alan's face as a mirror of what Paula was feeling. I think we were all surprised when Alan breezed into the restaurant. He was smiling and had to try to make his face neutral. I hoped against hope that he was smiling because he was happy to see me again, but then I noticed that he hadn't even seen me yet.

He saw Paula first and he went over and hugged her. They chatted for a few minutes and then she pointed at me and at John. He waved John over to my table and took Paula's hand and walked her over.

When they got to the table, he pulled Paula's chair out for her. Then he looked at John's face and smiled again. "Wow," he said. "Does your face still hurt?" John touched his cheek and nodded his head.

"I'm really sorry about that," said Alan. "I was hurt and out of control."

"Liz," he said, acknowledging my presence at the table as well. I stared at him with my mouth open. Alan wasn't sad or depressed. I'd expected him to be as miserable as I was. But he wasn't. Paula, John and I all looked at each other.

Alan opened the cover on his iPad. "I jotted down some notes for this meeting," he said. "We're all busy so that way we can cut through all of the things we need to talk about and then decide whether we need to talk again before going forward. Is that okay with everyone?"

"Sounds good to me," said Paula.

"That's fine," said John guardedly. "But can we also have at least a couple of smaller group meetings too. There are some things, I'd like to ask you about, of course, and I'd really like a chance to talk to my wife too, if she'll allow it. Don't you want to talk about some things with some of us too?"

"Nope," said Alan. "Paula and I have spoken several times in the last few days." That drove a dagger though me. My husband hadn't spoken to me for any reason since Christmas.

"Alan, I'd like a chance to talk to you," I said. He just nodded his head. I got the impression that he really had no desire to talk to me. He just wanted to move things along.

"Okay, first things first," he said. "We all agree that both marriages have been damaged to the point that divorces are our only option, right?"

"Yes," said Paula immediately.

"I'd really like to try to save..." began John quietly.

"Hell no," I said quickly. "This is not an option. We have to work this out. I love you Alan."

"So all we have to work out then are the details of the divorces," he said, as if he hadn't heard me. I was shocked. Alan had never ignored me before in anything. If I walked in during a meeting at his job, he excused himself and came to see what I wanted. There was something strange going on.

"Alan, didn't you hear me?" I asked.

"Paula, I think that you and I have a couple of things to work out," he continued. "You and I are the ones who'll set the terms of the divorce. From what I've learned from my attorney, the one you recommended, we live in a community property state. That means that no matter what our spouses have done, we will only get fifty percent of everything. In your case, you'll get fifty percent plus a certain amount of alimony based on John's salary and assets and the number of years that you've been married."

As I listened to him, I wondered where the hell Alan learned so much about the divorce process. He must really be serious about this.

"From what I also understand, the days of taking someone to the cleaners during a divorce are supposedly over. Very few states allow alienation of affection suits either. So, if we're vicious and want to send them to the poor house, we'll have to go after them at work. We'll have to sue the company they work for. The problem with that is that those things don't have much bite anymore either. There are very few people who successfully get a large dollar settlement from a company unless it can be proven that the affair was known about widely or participated in by the executives of the company. John is only a middle manager. More than likely, the company would settle out of court with us for a few hundred thousand dollars and fire our spouses. They'd settle rather than have the bad publicity ruin their image and move on." Paula and John were nodding their heads. I was still in shock that my husband Alan, the only man I loved, was calmly discussing points of strategy involved in ending our marriage.

"Besides the fact that we won't get much money, if the company fires them, then your alimony payments would go down or disappear and you'd have to get a job, at least until John got another job and at his age I just don't see him ever again making the kind of money he's making now. So for your sake, he's better off keeping his job. Suing the company would be like cutting your own throat." She nodded.

"Now on my part," he continued. "I really don't give a flying fuck about what happens to John. If you want to sue the company, I'm good with it. The thought of him living in a crappy apartment, eating tuna or cheese and crackers for the rest of his God damned life, appeals to me. But I don't want to be linked to Liz by having to pay her alimony. That would be like paying her for cheating on me. So if Elizabeth agrees to a fifty/fifty split no alimony, I'll agree not to sue the company as well. How does that sound to everyone?"

"Wait, why do I have to pay alimony if you don't," John asked.

"Because you two are the FUCK-ERS," sneered Alan, almost in John's face. "And we're the ones who got FUCKED! It's not supposed to be easy on you. Next time, keep it in your pants and you won't have this kind of problem." John recoiled from the absolute hatred radiating from Alan. I had never seen my soft spoken, easy going husband that angry. It began to be clear exactly how much I'd hurt him.

"Actually, you don't have to worry about that anymore," said Alan smiling. "You can fuck her as much as you want now. The problem is that since she's available now, it won't be as exciting. From what I've read, a big part of infidelity is the risk of getting caught and the excitement of doing something that you know is wrong. It's that whole forbidden fruit thing. Well, she's all yours John, enjoy her."

"I just want my wife back," said John. "Paula, can't you forgive me one more time, please?"

Paula just rolled her eyes. "So will you agree to that, Liz," she said. "So we can get the ball rolling. My attorney says that we can have this thing settled sixty days after the papers are signed. We're all free to move on with our lives as soon as the papers are signed and we could legally marry someone else, sixty days from tomorrow if you'll just sign the papers."

"I need to talk to Alan," I said. "He hasn't given me a single chance to explain any of this. Let's meet again tomorrow after I talk to him."

"That's fine with me," said Paula. She got up to leave.

"Aren't we going to talk, Honey?" asked John.

"About what?" she asked angrily. "You should be talking to your whore. You should be trying to get her to sign the papers, because if she doesn't, neither one of you will have a job by close of business tomorrow. Maybe Alan is okay with just walking away and starting over. I want a pound of flesh. Seeing you homeless would bring joy to my heart."

After John and Paula left, Alan looked at me.

"Whatever you need to say..." he said. "Now is the time."

"Alan, I don't know what to say," I began.

"Then don't say anything," he said. "Just sign the papers and let's start over."

"That's fine as long as we can start over together," I said. "This isn't the end of us, Honey. We still have so many things to do together. We have dreams, remember. We have plans. There are things we promised ourselves to work towards. What about all of that? We can't just abandon our dreams because of one mistake."

"Dreams," he said wistfully. "Plans; It all sounds so nice. You make dreams and plans and contracts with people you know and trust. Apparently I never knew you and I don't trust you anymore. Dreams die. Plans fall through. Contracts, like our marriage vows, can be broken; ours were. So all of this stuff you're talking about no longer matters, Liz. You threw it all down that hole between your legs. I just feel sorry that I was stupid enough to fall for your shit."

"I know that I hurt you and badly," I said. "But it wasn't intentional. I never meant to hurt you at all. This had nothing to do with you. This was all about me."

"Obviously," he said angrily. "But you hurt me just the same."

"No Alan," I snapped. "I was bored and unhappy. Not with our marriage but with every other aspect of my life. Alan, you have a job. You have to do things. You're very good at coming up with ways to make and save money for people. People come to you for your expertise and your talents. I've heard some of our friends and acquaintances praise you and refer other people to you because of what you do. You're very good at you job and you like it."

"Alan, I work in advertising. Our office is crammed full of very energetic, very creative people. Some of them write ads. Some of them design artwork for ads. Some of them do the music or the video or commercial production. Some of them are involved in legal affairs or contract compliance or a whole ton of other things. In a world of awesome, creative people, I'm nothing. I make sure we have paper clips."

"In fact, I don't even do that. I tell John that we need paper clips so he can order them. I can't even order paper clips without his approval. I set schedules. I make sure that all of those brilliant, technical and talented people know when to have their projects done. Do you know what happens if they're late with a project? I tell John and he tells them to hurry up. Then they hate me. If they hate me, then they mention it when they turn their project in and the CEO and the customers love it. They say,"That useless bitch Liz, was riding my ass while I worked on it." And since they're the golden children, that useless bitch Liz gets in trouble. I don't think anyone would notice it if I just exploded or just disappeared."

"It got to the point where I just hated to go to work. The only thing I had there was John and a couple of other friends. Over time, John started to pay more attention to me and I came to need it. So when he started trying to touch me, I balked at first. But I noticed that if I reacted then I didn't hear from him and I needed that, Alan. I needed to know that I mattered. I needed to know that someone valued my contribution too," I said.

"Why didn't you just quit?" he asked. "Or just give up working. I make enough for both of us."

I had no answer for that.

"Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt about it?" he asked. "In the worst possible scenario, you could have simply stayed home and we could have started our family a few years earlier. Or shit, you could have come to work with me. At your place you're an OM. Secretaries in our company make more than you do and PA's make more still. I have a secretary now, but I'm not married to her. I was married to you. In a couple of months, I'll be a senior associate. Bob has already approved my promotion. I could have had a secretary and a PA. You could have been my PA. It could have been me bending you over my desk and fucking you."

I liked the sound of that, so I smiled. "John and I never did anything like that," I said.

"We pretty much always just went to a motel and had a quickie. I didn't suck his dick. He didn't screw me in any odd positions or anywhere other than my vagina. The sex wasn't very exciting Alan. And what we did wasn't about the sex. It was more about getting away with something naughty. It was like we were flaunting it in those creative assholes' faces. It was just a way to have some fun and some excitement and feel alive and less like nothing." I hoped that he'd understand.

"Liz, if the creative assholes found out about you and John, what would happen?" he asked. "They'd probably laugh for a while and have something to talk about for a week or two, right?" I nodded.

"So the people you were trying to get your weird revenge against aren't really being hurt by what you did. They go on with their lives after a brief round of tee-hees and I get my fucking heart ripped out when I never did anything wrong. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Alan, I'll never do it again," I said.

"You're damned Skippy," he said. "At least you won't do it to me." Then he walked out of the restaurant too.

As I watched Alan walk away from me, I don't understand how or why, but I changed. In that instant, Liz Taylor, daddy's little girl, disappeared. I became harder and more determined than I'd ever been in my life. And the force that drove me was holding on to my husband. No matter what it took, I was not going to let Alan get away from me.

I looked at the whole thing as being one of the trials of my life. All through school and my life afterward, I'd heard of great heroes who went through adversity to achieve their ultimate goals. Getting Alan back became mine. I'd been bored. I thought my life meant nothing. Now I had a purpose. A waitress came over and looked at me as if she wondered where all of my friends had gone. I just smiled at her and ordered a steak.

While I waited for my meal, I thought again about everything that had gone on. I'd already admitted that I'd done wrong and I'd even told Alan the reason why I'd done it. No one else needed to know why it had happened. I started to try to imagine myself as Alan and tried to figure out how what I'd done would have made him feel.

I remembered exactly how Alan had always felt about me. Then I imagined all of the things he'd done for me for Christmas. I thought about how he'd put his heart and soul into trying to make this Christmas the best ever for me. Then I thought about and remembered the expression on his face as my dad opened that stupid present that John had neither a right nor a reason for sending me.

That pinpointed something for me. If John hadn't sent that stupid present, trying to squeeze more out of something than it had ever been or would ever be; none of this would ever have happened. The only reason I'd agreed to go with John on the fictitious business trip was to end things with him. I wanted a way to get out of what we'd been doing but without hurting his feelings and bringing out an anger that could have affected our workplace relationship.

Random chance and John's stupidity had conspired to ruin my marriage. I also realized that John wasn't alone in the blame. There was simply no reason that I should ever have had sex with any man other than Alan. That simple act of desperation that had been meant to show that I was someone interesting had forever damaged the most important thing in my life.

Even when I got Alan back, the specter of what I'd done would always be there. It would take me years, at least, to regain the trust I'd destroyed. It would be years after that before we regained anything like the feelings I'd shattered. That feeling of total faith and oneness with another person that had taken us time to forge; would be harder the second time around because the memory of my betrayal would linger.