Waking Up With a Monster

* * * * * *

Katherine

"Shit!" I thought. Mark clearly had no sense of exactly what it took for a woman my age to look her best. Although Mark, God bless his soul, still thinks I'm beautiful, I have to work really hard now to look the way I once took for granted.

Mark misses me. I could tell from the sound of his voice that he's ready to talk about us getting back together. He's going to forgive me, I can feel it. He may not like what I've done, but he loves me. So he'll find a way to put it behind us. And with Lila finally out of the way, we can have the life we've always dreamed of.

What I need to do, is get my hair done and get my makeup professionally done, so I can look my very, very best. I need to show him the woman he fell on love with all over again. I need to let him know that he made the right choice.

Our meeting is on Thursday. So I spent all day Wednesday, shopping and getting ready. On Thursday afternoon, I was sitting in my car in front of the little outdoor cafe that Mark had selected as our meeting place. When I saw him pull into the parking lot in his Mustang, I felt a tinge of excitement. It was almost like having our first date all over again.

There was something different about him. Mark had never been a particularly flashy dresser. As far as GQ went, Mark honestly thought it stood for "God damned Queer." In fact, whenever we had to dress up, I picked his clothes for him. Bit there he was heading towards me in a navy dress shirt, navy slacks and a Gray sport, jacket. He looked good enough to eat. He had clearly gone shopping and gotten advice from someone, about how to look good.

He walked over to my car and opened the door for me. Mark had always been a gentleman. It was one of the things I loved most about him. I always felt protected and safe with him, especially when it was just the two of us.

"You look beautiful," he said. My heart began beating faster. Visions of the two of us in bed flashed through my head. I smiled back at him.

I linked my arm through his and he recoiled. Mark had never ever refused my touch. He didn't refuse then either but it was clear that he hadn't expected it. And I wasn't sure that he wanted it. It reminded me that no matter what I thought, expected or wanted, we weren't out of the woods yet. I needed to be ready to fight for us, because Mark still needed convincing.

One thing I had in my favor was that Mark had always been reasonable. Another was his love of family. And a third was the fact that I truly hadn't done anything for the last two years. Mark of course didn't know any of that. He was so upset about the thing with Dean that had ended seventeen or eighteen years before.

My best course of action was to convince him that it had been caused by my depression after the birth of his daughter. I'd brought several articles on my phone for him to read.

We sat down at a table near the wall to give us more privacy. It was cozy and things were looking good.

"Katherine, sometimes I almost forget now beautiful you are," he began. At that moment I knew things were going to be okay. "Maybe that's it," he continued. "Maybe a regular guy like me was never enough for you. But at any rate, you won't have any trouble replacing me."

That was when the wheels came off of the bus. I went from smiling at how easy things felt, to a full on headache in the blink of an eye.

"Why would I want to replace you?" I asked suspiciously.

The waiter came over and gave us menus. Mark ordered for both of us. I loved the fact that he always seemed to know exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it.

"So have you given my request any thought?" he asked as the waiter stepped away.

"What request?" I asked. "I already told you that I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Actually it hasn't happened in all of the time since the one you know about. And I explained what was going on then. While we eat I want you to look at something."

I pulled out my iPhone and played one of the internet videos that I'd found. He watched it, but his face didn't change. I played another one for him and before the second video ended the waiter was back with our food.

"Kath, let's just enjoy our lunch," he said. "We can have our talk after we eat."

"Mark there are some things that I'd like to talk about as well," I said. He looked at me suspiciously. "When are you coming home? This is becoming more ridiculous by the day."

He just smiled at me and cut into his steak. Then he stood up and walked around the table to my side. He picked up my knife and fork and cut my meat for me. When we were first married I had broken my arm playing tennis. During that time Mark had to cut my meat for me. I loved having him do it so he'd been doing it ever since.

After we ate, we both decided against dessert in favor of a glass of wine for me and a beer for Mark.

"Okay Kath," he said. "The floor is yours."

I looked over at him, realizing that this might be the most important talk we'd ever had.

"Mark, I love you," I said. "I made a big dumb assed mistake, but it was at a time when I was not myself mentally. But as soon as I started to come out of it, I ended the relationship. I started to say I came back to you after I had ended it, but that isn't true because I never really left you. No matter what has been going on in my life, I have never even considered not being married to you, Mark. You're the icing on my cake. You're the best part of my life and I hope you have it in your heart to forgive me."

I felt really good about what I had said and even better when I noticed that he not only hadn't spoken but he sat there nodding his head.

"So that's it?" he asked. "That's all you have to say? So our marriage ends with neither a whimper nor a roar? A relationship that lasted more than twenty years ends with a whispered lie? It's a pity."

He seemed to be really upset and I didn't understand. "What are you talking about, Mark?" I asked.

"Lies, Katherine," he snapped. "For all of this time I never knew what a liar I married. Katherine, you didn't end the relationship with Dean. He ended it. You didn't stop because you loved us, or because you came to your senses. You came back to your own Husband and you child because Dean didn't want you anymore. Let me tell you something that you don't know, Katherine. Dean didn't break things off with you because he didn't love you. On the contrary, I think he loved you as much as I do. You strung two men along Katherine, for your own selfish needs. One of those two men was very stupid, Katherine, and the other was very honorable.

Dean was the honorable one. As soon as he discovered that you had lied to him about being married, he kicked you out of his life, and his daughter's life, despite knowing how much it would hurt them.

And as for me, eventually even the stupidest people learn something. And I know you now. I also know that Dean, as much as you lied about things, wasn't the only one. I've spoken to your sister, I know about the trips that you supposedly went on with her. I know that you never went with her. You went on trips of your own. And I know about the asshole down the street and how you carried on with him right under my nose. Boy, I was so stupid. But I'm not stupid anymore.

Katherine, I gave you all of this time. I hope that you would come to terms with things and find the truth. But somehow it still seems to have eluded you. Even when I told you that only the truth would save us, you preferred the lie. So we're done Katherine. I've filed for divorce. You'll be served day after tomorrow. I'll be very fair. You'll get whatever the statutes mandate. But I'd like to get this over with quickly and move on with my life." He gestured for the waiter, paid the bill with his credit card and left, leaving me stunned.

I'm not sure how long I sat there. At first I just felt heavy, as if the weight of everything on the planet was pushing its way down onto my thin shoulders. Then the tears started. The waiters were gathered in the area, wondering exactly how to go about handling me. I saved them the trouble. I got shakily to my feet and wandered towards my car. My car...that was funny. Like most of the things I had, Mark had bought it for me.

I felt like doing a full on Kerrigan. I wanted to just find some quiet place to sit with my head down and scream out, "Why? Why? WHY?"

Why couldn't he forgive me? Why did he want a divorce? And most of all why had I been so stupid in the first place? Mark was my life. There was no way that I was going to simply give up. Things were going to get nasty before they got better. Perhaps my refusal to give him up would prove my love for him?

I knew him better than anyone else in the world. I had to use that knowledge against him. Mark had a tendency towards doing things in the most efficacious way. He usually preferred the easiest possible solution. Right now he was thinking that the easy thing to do would be to simply jettison me like yesterday's garbage. I would cause him so many problems that the easiest thing to do would be to just keep me.

At the same time, I needed to seriously look at what was wrong with me and why I did the things I did. I got into my car and drove home. Well...I drove to the house. It really hadn't felt like a home since Mark deserted me. On the way there, I called Lila. It was early afternoon and I couldn't remember whether or not she had a class. Actually it worked in my favor either way. If she didn't have class I could talk to her for a while. By talking to her, I could get her father to hear what I wanted to say to him. Lila was the surest conduit to Mark's brain and his heart. On the other hand if she didn't answer, she'd know that I had called and later on I could use the guilt over her not answering the phone when I was distraught and needed her, against her.

But Lila answered. She waited until the fourth ring, but she picked up.

"Hello Mother," she said. Her voice was even frostier towards me than usual. I had noticed over the years that when she spoke to me on the phone, even when things were going well, her tone was measured, almost professional sounding. But when she spoke to Mark, her voice was upbeat and happy. I got a flat sounding "Hello Mother," where Mark got a very cheerful and genuine sounding, "Hi Daddy!"

If words wore clothing, her words to me would be dressed in funeral black, but those to her father would be dressed for the fucking beach.

"Lila...it's...it's me, Mom," I sniffled.

"I know that," she said with no trace of warmth in her voice. "I have caller ID. Remember, when I answered, I said Hello Mother."

"Lila, this is going to be hard on you, Honey. But your father wants to divorce me and break up our family," I said. I listened intently. I would judge my next statement on her reaction. That reaction could be anything, from joining me in tears, to generally not giving a shit.

"I wonder why, Mother?" she said sarcastically. "I've spoken to Brina a lot. Mother, what exactly did I do to you? What was so bad that you abandoned me in favor of an older child, when I was a newborn? Was Brina that much better a child? I ask, because as an adult, Brina's pretty fucked up. Did you know that she made a play for Daddy? She follows me around trying to help me with everything. At first I thought that she was just being nice. But I really think that she has abandonment issues.

Mother, you twisted that poor girl to the point that she wants what you have or had. She's so obsessed with you that she's trying to become you.

The funny thing is that I don't have those issues and I'm the one you abandoned. Maybe I don't have them because for most of my life, daddy picked up the slack. He was my mother and my father at the same time. So if you think..."

I quickly hung up the phone. Lila wouldn't be any help to me. I hated doing it, but I needed to put my own daughter on the enemies list. If she wasn't for me, she was against me. She wasn't a primary enemy though. I had always known that Lila would side with her father in any argument. Lila was simply misguided; just as her father was. Mark didn't realize how much I love him or the fact that I am the best woman for him.

Without me, Mark would become another crusty, lonely, miserable divorced man. I couldn't let that happen to him when we were so close to having everything we'd always wanted. He would be far happier forgiving me and living our perfect life, than divorcing me and being miserable.

I needed my own lawyer and I needed a shark. I pulled over to the side of the road and pulled out my phone. I googled "divorce lawyers," and put in my zip code. There were more results than I expected. I called the top three results one after another and set up appointments for all of them. I drove to the first appointment then instead of going home.

The first lawyer was an older man. He had that "doing the best for the family vibe," so I thanked him and walked out.

The second lawyer was a woman. She was all about protecting a woman's rights in a divorce. When she started talking about making sure that I maintained the home so Lila would have a place to go when she was home from school, I realized that she was not the one for me. Lila is over eighteen. She can and will make her own decisions regardless of what any lawyer or judge would say. There is simply no way that anyone could keep that girl away from her father. And I wasn't sure I'd want to. Even if Lila was fifteen or sixteen, I think I would have rather had her live with Mark.

She asked me about the reason for the divorce and when I explained it to her, the expression on her face changed. She was clearly one of those people who believe that cheaters should be punished and that infidelity is unforgivable.

I thanked her for her help and left her office as well. The next guy was different. His office was a huge place. He had a fountain in the middle of the outer office and art on the walls. He had a fat belly, smoked a cigar and wore a diamond pinky ring. "How much does your husband make and what do you want out of the divorce?" he asked. He blew a huge puff of smoke into the air.

His entire demeanor was different. He didn't give a shit about me. I was just another case to him. "I want to stay married," I said. He took a big puff of his cigar and looked at me hungrily.

"Haven't had one of those this month," he spat. He looked at me. "Are you trying to keep him from running off with a hotter or younger woman? Or did you cheat?"

"I..." I began. Before I could even complete my thought he spat another question.

"One time or multiples?" he asked.

"A few times," I said. "But you have to believe me, I..."

"Save it lady," he said. "You don't have to convince me. I don't care. The divorce game is just that. It's a game. The most successful players are the ones who best understand the rules and manipulate those rules the best. In this case it's like a volley ball game. Your husband wants to win. To do that he has to get more points than you do and have the divorce go in his favor or just be granted the divorce.

"Your goal is different. You don't need to get more points. You don't care about points. You have two goals. The second goal is to keep your husband from getting the divorce long enough to get your first goal. Your first goal is to get him to take you back or at least to drop the divorce. I have to tell you though in all honesty, my goals are different from either of yours. My goal is to keep the ball in the air for as long as I can. As long as the ball is in the air, I'm getting paid. Do we understand each other?

I will do anything I have to in order to keep getting paid," he said.

"You're hired," I said. I had found my shark.

"Have you already been served?" he asked. I shook my head.

"He told me that it will probably be the day after tomorrow," I said. He smiled again. He handed me a sheaf of papers and a pen. "When do you need all of these back?" I asked.

"Now," he said. "As soon as you fill these out, I'm going to file. My goal is to have him served first. There are advantages to doing so. And another thing we gain is control. Right now he's in charge. He's sitting back like a fat cat. He's dictating what you do and how you feel. We're going to grab the control from him, by serving him first. If we get lucky, it'll knock him back on his heels and maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want a divorce."

"But what it he just accepts it?" I said.

"Then we wait a few days and withdraw the petition," he smirked. "We can say that you've considered it and decided to try to fight for your marriage. Judges love that type of crap."

I filled on as much information as I could. Every time I finished a form he took it and added it to a file. "What do you think about the idea of having him served at work?" he asked. "That kind of embarrassment is devastating, but you have to be careful because it could backfire."

"I don't like that idea at all," I said. "Mark works in a hospital full of female doctors and nurses and all kinds of women. Having him served there would just let them know that he's available."

For the rest of the afternoon we went over strategy for almost every situation. When I left the office, I felt better about my chances of keeping Mark, but I still felt like shit that he wanted a divorce in the first place.

It was probably about six when I left the office. I couldn't believe that I had been there for that long. Tomorrow would be an important day. It would be the day that I started winning my husband back.

* * * * * *

Mark

"Okay, tell me about it," said Rachel. We were sitting at the small table in her tiny kitchen. I had just grilled a couple of steaks on a tiny grill on her tiny balcony. All of that smallness only served to make me miss my house even more.

But the reality of the situation was that I would probably never live in my house again. Regardless of the way the settlement worked out, the chances of me living in that house were very slim. If we got a fair settlement, we'd have to sell the house and divide the proceeds. If Katherine got the better end of the deal, she'd get the house. And if I got the better end, which I didn't expect, I'd still sell the house because all of those years of memories would make moving forward more difficult. It's hard to move into the future when you're shackled to the past.

"It was awful," I said. "I thought that with almost a week to think about things she'd see that I was serious and be ready to talk openly and honestly about things. But she just continued to give me the same old lies. And when I told her about what she's really been up to, she just looked at me as if none of it mattered. Her whole attitude was like "Yep I did it. Let's move on."

"Mark, what were you hoping for?" she asked. Her entire face showed her concern.

"I guess I wanted her to come clean...and apologize or in some way show some type of remorse. I think that I just wanted to see that she truly wanted to try to change to save our marriage. But it's clear now that she really doesn't see that she did anything wrong. I loved her dearly, but if she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, there's no reason that she won't do it again. I can't trust her," I said.

"Mark, I'm very sorry for your pain," said Rachel. "But I saw this coming from the very beginning. But you're a great guy. I'm very sure that you'll find someone else and it won't take too long. You'll find someone who'll love you the way that you need to be loved and won't ever cheat on you."

The next afternoon, just before my shift ended, I got a phone call. It was Katherine and she wanted me to stop by the house.

"Mark, you may as well come by and grab more clothes, maybe we can talk some," she said. "I don't want a divorce. I want us to stay together, but if you feel that's what we have to do, we may as well do it in a civil manner. We do have a daughter together. She is going to need both of us in her life. There are going to be times like her graduation, her wedding and the births of our grand kids where we're going to need to be around each other. We may as well get some practice being civil."