Waking Up With a Monster

The truth would probably set me free, literally. But I didn't want to be free. I wanted more than anything else to stay married to Mark. The irony was that for the past two years, I hadn't so much as looked at another man. With Lila having her own car and the ability to come and go as she pleased, Mark had spent so much more time and attention on me. We were still interrupted by Lila calling him on her cell phone to tell him she'd be late or ask for money, but it was mostly Mark and me.

I had loved it. I fell even more in love with my husband and I concentrated on becoming the very best wife I could be. Lila and I had also settled into a truce of sorts. Sure, she still demanded his full attention when she was home, but like most teenagers, she wasn't home much.

So now that we were more in love, more in tune with each other, having the best sex of our lives and on the verge of being able to do all the things we'd dreamed of over the years, this bullshit from 18 fucking years ago, sprouts like stink weed in the Garden of Eden.

* * * * * *

Mark

Sunday rolled by with me ignoring phone calls from Katherine. I did get a couple of phone calls from Lila that cheered me up immensely. The thing I really wanted to do most though was to call Brina to see if her father would speak to me. There were things I needed to know about his time with Katherine. I had only heard Katherine's side of the story and for some reason I didn't believe most of what she was telling me.

I had done some research on the internet on the subject of post partum depression. Katherine had been telling the truth there. There were some awful cases of women who did horrible things to their children while in the grip of the affliction.

Lila's case must've been a mild one, because she never tried to hurt Lila. She just pretty much ignored her. I realized then that maybe it hadn't been a total loss because if it wasn't for the depression, our family would probably be more normal and Lila and I would probably not be as close as we were.

On the other hand I had an awful suspicion that the reason we hadn't had any more children was something that Katherine had decided without consulting me.

I decided to give Brina a couple of days to contact her father. I didn't want to seem too pushy and scare him off. At the same time I gave my marriage a lot of thought.

It's really easy to say, "She cheated, it's over." But actually ending a twenty year marriage is a hard thing to do. My mind searched over and over through all of the details. I thought about all of the good things about my marriage and there were a lot of them. I loved Katherine and had for many years. That doesn't just go away. She was also the mother of my child. So even if we ended things, she would still in some capacity be a part of my life.

Then I thought about all of the bad things. And to be truthful there were very few. One of those was the fact that she had never really tried very hard to get along with Lila. There was also the fact that I just had the feeling that the Katherine I loved was a figment of my imagination.

I thought about our entire marriage and went over every time that I could remember that we were apart. After all, if Kath had cheated on me while she was supposed to be traveling for work, why couldn't she have done it at other times?

I thought about a few times that were really suspicious. They hadn't been suspicious at the time they occurred. I'd always trusted Katherine above anyone else I knew. But now that I knew how she was, some of those trips didn't pass the smell test.

Monday morning came and I got up as usual. I had to put my personal problems on the shelf for a few hours and be a professional. My patients were already sick or injured. They didn't need me to add my baggage to their situations.

I headed for work as usual but I had forgotten something very important. As soon as I stepped into office and spoke to some of my coworkers, I felt Rachel's eyes on me. She looked me up and down and her eyes changed.

I waved at her and went to work. As usual Rachel was working in the DR room that adjoined the room I worked in. We chatted between exams as usual. Rachel asked me so many questions about my weekend that I felt like I was being interrogated.

At lunch time Rachel grabbed my arm and dragged me out to the park behind the hospital.

"What happened," she asked. "And don't give me any shit. I already know that something major has happened and it has you out of sorts. I also know that it has something to do with Katherine and you're pissed at her. I asked you a lot of questions today. When you talk about Lila, you get that goofy smile that you always have. But today you never mentioned Katherine unless I brought her up and even then your face got hard."

I took a few moments and filled her in on the events of the weekend.

"Jeezus that woman is stupid," said Rachel. "I want you out of that house. You need to be away from her while you figure out what you want to do. What do you want to do?"

"I'm already out of the house," I said. "But I'm still trying to figure out what I intend to do."

"Where are you staying?" she asked.

I told her about the hotel and she looked at me as if I was crazy. "After work we'll get your stuff. You can stay with me," she said.

"Rachel thanks for the offer. But I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said.

"Why isn't it?" she asked. She was serious and intent on me clarifying my reasoning to her.

"How the hell would I explain it to Katherine if we don't break up?" I asked.

"You've already broken up with her," she said.

"Well, I mean if we get back together," I corrected.

"You're NOT!" she said. "There's no way you're going back to that whore!"

In all of the years that I'd known her, I had never seen Rachel so forceful.

"Mark, for as long as I've known you, you've had my back. You've taught me and helped me and protected me. Now it's my turn. This time, I'm the one with the experience. You do know that I was married once, right?"

"I had heard that," I said. Actually John had told me the whole story.

"Well trust me," she said. "Cheating is like a drug for some people. And from what you've told me, Katherine is one of those. She may promise you she'll quit, but any time she gets angry at you or anyone else, she'll use it as a reason to cheat on you. Cut your losses and save yourself some heartache. You deserve someone who loves you so much that they could never imagine cheating on you."

We went back to work and finished our shift. After work though, Rachel was waiting for me. "I'll follow you to the hotel," she said. She was not taking, "NO," for an answer.

Truthfully, the events of the past few days had floored me. I was hanging onto my emotional stability by a thread. Rachel taking over was probably the best possible answer for me. We had dinner together in her tiny apartment that night and sat up talking, since both of us had the next day off. Since we worked Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday that week, we had Tuesday and Thursday off.

We sat on the carpet in front of her sofa and I filled her in on the details of my separation that I hadn't shared with her until then. She told me that while I was making up my mind about Katherine, I needed to get a lawyer. I thought about all of the things that she was telling me, but I just wasn't sure that I was ready to give up on Katherine.

Somewhere during the conversation, maybe it was the beer I drank or her wine, we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with my head leaning back on the couch. Rachel was asleep with my arm wrapped around her and her head on my shoulder.

I picked her up and carried her into her bedroom. I placed her gently on her bed and put a blanket over her and then returned to sleep on her couch.

The next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon coming from Rachel's kitchen. I went into the bathroom and showered. When I came out Rachel had the biggest smile on her face as she dished out the breakfast she'd just made.

"So how did I get into bed?" she asked.

"I didn't want you to wake up with a stiff neck so I, uhm carried you to your bed," I said.

"Mark you are the sweetest thing," she gushed. "I like having breakfast with you. We should have done this a long time ago."

We ate and decided to go and see the lawyer who had handled her divorce. While Rachel was getting dressed, my phone rang. I looked at the display expecting it to be Katherine. But it was Lila. "Dad can you please call Brina? She's been driving me crazy," she said.

Rachel came out wearing a pair of jeans that looked like they'd been painted on. I was used to seeing her in her loose fitting scrubs. I almost swallowed my tongue when I saw her.

Rachel had an incredible body. Her rounded ass and luscious boobs were separated by an itty bitty waist that I was sure I could get both hands around. It was the first time I had ever looked at Rachel as a woman. I guess I had always seen her as more of another daughter.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Uhm...nothing," I said, thickly. "I have to call Brina."

One eyebrow arched. "Who's Brina?" she asked.

"I told you about her last night," I reminded her. "Remember, she's the girl whose father Katherine was..."

"Oh yeah," she said. "The weird girl, who tried to rape you."

"It wasn't exactly..." I began. "I have to call her."

I punched in Brina's number and she answered it on the first ring. "How are you?" she asked. "I spoke to my dad. He's willing to talk to you. Can you do lunch today, at the same place?"

I looked at my watch. "It's already after nine o'clock," I said. "We'd better shoot for one o'clock, to be sure."

I hung up the phone and got nervous. Rachel snatched a handbag off of the table and headed for the door.

"Rachel, I'm..." I began

"I know," she said. "We're going to meet Brina's father. I'm going with you. I have a feeling that this won't end well. Mark let's go see the lawyer. Trust me; all we're going to find there is more pain."

As we got into my Mustang I noticed that Rachel had put on her favorite sunglasses. I had given them to her for Christmas the previous year. They were Ray Ban Wayfarer Londons.

She continued to talk. "I already have an idea of what you're going to hear," she said. "I think that after she felt guilty and broke it off with him, they met up a few more times. Mark you don't need to hear this. You already know she cheated on you with the guy. She's admitted it. Why put yourself through this. I know what you're doing. You're trying to find a way to give her another chance. I went through it myself. "

She looked over the tops of those sunglasses at me. "Mark, you're thinking that it's your fault. You're thinking that somehow you're to blame for your marriage not working. You think that if you just did one thing, or if you stopped doing one thing, none of this would have happened, right? In my case...Mark, I married my high school sweetheart. I know what I look like. There were lots of guys that I could have been with, but the one that I fell in love with turned out to be an asshole.

We had a beautiful wedding. My mom, his mom and I planned it out for over six months. I knew that he was kind of a player, but I figured that after our wedding he'd settle down and become a good husband. I was nervous that night...shit I'll admit it, I was scared. He got my cherry and was really disappointed. I guess he was expecting me to be like the whores he was used to. I loved him, Mark. I loved him with all of my heart and soul. I would have done anything he wanted me to do. I would have done any nasty, depraved thing he wanted...I just didn't know how.

Anyway after he fucked me, and that's all he did, he got up out of our bed while I was still confused. He went downstairs to get a drink. He left me wondering. I mean all my life I'd heard how wonderful sex was supposed to be and all I felt was pain. Then I remembered that it was supposed to be painful the first time, but after that it got better.

I was ready for some better. So I went downstairs to find him. I saw him. Just like he'd told me, he was in the bar downstairs. He had no idea that I was behind him. He was telling the bartender and everyone else who would listen to him, what a dead fuck I was. I wanted to burst out crying right then and there, but he wasn't done. As I watched he went off with some ugly old woman who promised to make his wedding night better.

I went back to the room, packed all of my things and left. I tried to get an annulment, but since we had consummated the marriage, it was easier to file for divorce. He told everyone that I was frigid and probably a lesbian, so I left my small town and came to the big city with my grandpa. I started my career here and you know the rest. But it destroyed my ability to trust most men. That's why I don't waste my time dating.

And you're going to go through it too," she said. "Before I got married, I thought that the words, "complete," and "finished," meant the same thing. Now I know they are totally different."

"How?" I asked.

"Because if you marry the right guy, you're "COMPLETE," she said, smiling."But if you marry the wrong one, you're "FINISHED."

"Yeah," I said. "Marriage is kind of like playing cards. When you first start out all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the time it's over all you want is a club and a spade."

Her hand reached across the console and covered mine. At that moment I really wished that Rachel was older.

As soon as I got to the campus, I texted my daughter to let her know what was going on. She replied, telling me that she was in class but wanted to talk to me when the lunch was over.

I drove directly to the restaurant and looked around. I saw a man sitting at a table with a woman. He seemed to be a little older than I was. Everyone else at the restaurant appeared to be college aged.

The woman he was sitting with, shocked me. She had uhm...strong features. I guess in the old days they'd have called her a handsome woman. I was sure that she had a wonderful personality. Rachel and I walked over to their table.

"Are you Dean?" I asked. He looked nervous as he nodded.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry, I am," he began. "I hope that this doesn't get violent even though I suppose I deserve it."

"I'm not the violent type," I said. "We're talking about something that happened 18 years ago. I'm just glad you agreed to talk to me about it. Dean, I can understand how it felt to you back then. Actually you and I were in the same position. Both us were pretty much men who had to raise their daughters alone. In your case, I believe it was because your wife had passed away. In my case it was because my wife needed to escape reality. I suppose pretending to be married to you and helping to raise your daughter was easier than helping me to raise our own."

He nodded. "I was so lonely and I needed a woman to be a female presence in my daughter's life," he said. "Katherine seemed to be a godsend, but she left me feeling even more heartbroken."

"Yeah, I guess it was hard on you when she broke things off and came home," I said.

"Mark, she didn't break things off," he said suddenly. "When we first got together Katherine lied to me. In fact all she ever did was lie to me. I believed everything she said. I loved her. I really believed that she was a flight attendant. I was about to ask her to marry me. Brina loved her too. Brina, like most eight year olds want to be just like their mothers and that was what Katherine was becoming to her.

While Katherine was in the shower Brina was walking around carrying her purse. Brina dropped the purse and in the process of putting everything back into it I discovered her wedding rings. Like I said I loved her, but it made me realize that something funny was going on. I just had that gut feeling. I didn't want to rock the boat so I didn't say anything, but after she left I did some checking. I found out that she wasn't a flight attendant and that she was married. I broke things off, Mark. I left her a note asking her not to ever come back. It broke my heart all over again."

For a long time I didn't say anything. I was too angry.

"Mark, are you okay?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong? I never would have spoken to her if I knew she was married. I broke things off as soon as I knew."

"It's not your fault Dean," I said. "I'm beginning to realize exactly how skilled a liar Katherine is. I have nothing against you. Thanks for talking with me."

I was so angry that I was shaken. I could barely walk straight. I drove us over to Lila's dorm.

Rachel spoke to me soothingly and tried to calm me down as we waited for Lila.

When she got there, Lila seemed surprised but pleased to see Rachel.

"I was worried about him going through this alone," Lila told her. "But you'll take care of him won't you?"

"As much as he lets me," said Rachel.

I filled Lila in on what we had just found out before we started the drive for home. We got back at about six and I made a detour to my sister in law's house. She told me something I had begun to suspect about the times that they supposedly travelled together. Namely that except for the one trip to Las Vegas, there hadn't been any trips together. She also told me that she didn't see much of Katherine during that trip because Katherine was always in her room talking to me on the phone. Her sister had no idea what she was telling me. I don't think she knew about what Kat did any more than I did. Katherine had never called me once during that trip.

A few more phone calls including one to Lila and I had all of the information I needed. As soon as we got back to Rachel's apartment, I called Katherine. I told her that I was ready to talk. I scheduled our meeting for Thursday.

On Wednesday at lunch time I met for the first time with the lawyer. He filled me in, on all of the things I'd need, including financial documents and on what I would probably get in the settlement. My list was surprisingly short. I wanted to pay Katherine whatever was fair. I didn't want her broke, I didn't want her destitute. I just wanted out. Katherine deserved to have a life, full of everything that she wanted. It just seemed that after all of the things that we'd done over the years we saw things differently.

I still believed in love. I still loved the thought of sharing my life with one person who loved me enough to be faithful to me and me to her. But Katherine was simply not that woman. Perhaps she never had been.

I felt like an alcoholic, only not so lucky. An alcoholic goes out drinking and gets so drunk that he has no idea of what he's doing. An alcoholic wakes up with someone he'd never fuck in a million years while he was sober. I on the other hand had no idea that I'd been waking up with a monster for twenty years.

You don't sleep with a monster without waking up with a few scars. And now that I was awake the scars on my heart were becoming deeper and more and more painful. They'd probably always been there. But now that I was awake and aware of them, they hurt like hell.

From what I'd learned, Katherine had engaged in at least five affairs during our marriage. Some of them, like the trip to Las Vegas with my sister in law had been brief weekend things. Others had been more long lasting, like the affair with the old man down the street that my daughter had told me about.

Katherine was clearly some sort of sexual sociopath. She believed that she could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, with whomever she wanted. She was above the rules and expected no consequences. Despite her protestations, Katherine was never going to stop. She would always find a reason to justify her actions. I needed to get out of the nightmare and start again.