Waking Up With a Monster

It was eighteen years ago and it was a different time. Nowadays we know so much more about the mental state of new mothers. Back then no one had heard of what I'd gone through. But today stories about women doing stupid things or even harming or killing their babies are all over the internet. I hadn't been that bad. I hadn't hurt Lila or tried to kill her, I'd just needed some space.

At the same time, I loved Mark. I have since the first day that I met him in college, but I had been beginning to wonder if I should have married him. I'd always been a carefree single woman. Then all of a sudden I had a husband and a home and a baby. And they looked to me for everything. A lot of my friends were still going to parties. I couldn't. And Mark was so serious all the time. All he ever talked about was saving money for Lila to go to college, or saving money for retirement.

So very soon after Lila was born, I found a daycare center that took newborns and I went back to work. Mark didn't want me to do it. He kept telling me that Lila needed her momma at home. But I just didn't trust myself around her. And to be truthful, I didn't like her. It sometimes seemed like Lila was the reason that I couldn't do anything or go anywhere. And from the first breath that girl drew in, she stole my husband from me.

Like with most mothers, my doctor advised against intercourse for a while after the birth of a child. Of course that didn't mean that there weren't other ways for us to satisfy each other. Mark's biggest mistake and the one that I believe really started things happened this way.

I decided to do something for Mark to thank him for being a great husband. Throughout my pregnancy he had gone above and beyond what could be expected of any husband. My wish was Mark's command. And as I've said, I love the idiot. So after we got in bed one night, I reached for him and after some very hot hugging and kissing, I started giving him a really hot, sloppy blowjob. We were both into it and his toes were curling up when we heard it.

It was the sound of that plaintive pre-crying warble that babies do. Sometimes I think they do it just to see if anyone is listening to them or if anyone is around. Most of the time, they do it for a few seconds and go back to sleep. So most parents let them do if for a while to see if it turns into real crying that might indicate that the child is hungry or wet or afraid. Not Mark, as soon as he heard that tiny voice, he shot up bolt upright in the bed. The look on his face clearly told me that I, the blowjob I was giving him and everything else on the planet no longer mattered.

His queen had summoned him and like any good knight, nothing would deter him from his duty. He planted his hand on my forehead and gently, but extremely firmly, pushed my head away, pulled up his boxers and ran down the hall.

A few minutes later, I peeked into her room to find him sitting in the rocker with Lila in his arms, feeding her. He was so intent on taking care of her that he didn't even notice my presence.

I told my mother about it. I also told my sister and one of our neighbors. To be women, they were all stupid. They seemed to have the opinion that I had picked an excellent husband. My mother told me that it was a sign that I didn't need to worry about infidelity. Mark clearly put his family ahead of sex.

I took it as a sign that Mark put Lila ahead of me. So before the doctor had cleared us to go back to having sex, I was back to work. I now realize that it was the worst and stupidest decision that I ever made.

If I'd been worried about Lila stealing my husband, I couldn't have helped her more. Mark had to get up earlier and take Lila to daycare before he went to work. He also had to stop and pick her up on the way home. All it did was to bring the two of them even closer. Even as a baby, Lila only smiled when her daddy was around.

When my boss got sick and couldn't go out of town to deliver some product samples to a major customer of ours, she asked me to do it instead. It was easy. I just had to fly to Chicago, drop off the samples and catch the earliest flight back home, the next morning.

I did all of that. The one rub was that I got pissed after talking to Mark on the phone. All he talked about was Lila. I decided that instead of sitting alone on my hotel room, I'd go down to the hotel's bar and get a drink.

That was where I met Dean. We talked for what seemed like hours. He was very lonely and he enjoyed telling me about his life. His wife had been killed in a car accident two years before. He had a young daughter who was about seven or eight years old. That evening she was at a sleep-over with some other girls in her class. His daughter was happy and healthy but Dean longed for someone for himself.

My heart went out to him, but to me it seemed like fate. I thought that maybe we could be the answer to each other's prayers. Dean was lonely and I needed someone who would put me first. I did what anyone would do in my situation. I lied. I slipped my wedding rings off and made up a story. I was a flight attendant so I was only in town for short periods of time.

I invited him back to my room and told him that I was on my period but I gave him the best blowjob I had ever given. His equipment wasn't as big as Mark's but Dean appreciated what I gave him so much that it made me want to give him more.

I started traveling for my boss more and more. It got to the point where I was spending every other weekend in Chicago. And while I was there, I lived with Dean. It was the best of both worlds. But on retrospect, I realized that it was only good for me. Poor Mark was working his ass off. He was burning the candle at both ends. He was working as an X-ray tech while going to school at night to move up to his Bachelor's degree. But he was also taking care of Lila most of the time too. And on the weekends that I was away, he had to take care of Lila 24/7 by himself. And he never once complained.

Dean on the other hand had fallen in love with me. His daughter looked at me as if I was a surrogate mother. He had started dropping hints about us getting engaged.

There was never a chance of that. I had no intention of ever leaving my husband. I loved Mark and though I was fond of Dean, I only used him to get the attention that Mark wasn't showing me. I guess I was using both of them. I think the real problem was that I looked at the whole situation sideways. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Dean got, or thought that he got the love he craved. His daughter got her surrogate mom. Mark had or thought he had the family he wanted. He got to spend more time with his fucking daughter too. I on the other hand got the husband I loved and also my little fantasy world with Dean, where I was the center of his world. I didn't see a problem.

I've read a lot of stories about men who cheated on their wives because after having a baby the women were so busy caring for the child that they forgot about their husbands. I understood how those men felt.

When Lila started teething, things only got worse. She had won. She virtually shut me out for the whole period of time. I know it wasn't intentional, babies don't plan or strategize, but she did it just the same.

When a child's teeth rip themselves through their gums, it is very painful for some kids. Some of them do it one or two teeth at a time and don't suffer much. Others have bunches of teeth all sprout together. In Lila's case it seemed as if all of her God damned teeth came in at the same time.

And during that time it just seemed to me, that she screamed the whole damned time. Mark got her Ora-gel and tried other methods like giving her ice chips, but the thing she seemed to love the most was to have her daddy walk around carrying her and rocking her to sleep. Poor Mark barely got any sleep during that time. That was when I noticed that I didn't matter. All of the feedings and diaper changes and other things that help to create the bond between mother and child hadn't happened with Lila and me. Lila had bonded with her dad.

So when Mark, looked as if he would fall over carrying Lila and I volunteered to hold her for a while, I realized my mistake. Poor Mark gladly handed her over to me. He thanked me profusely which made me feel guilty. I mean, why was Mark, thanking me for doing something with my own child? I realized then what a terrible mother I had been. I decided in that second to stop going to Chicago.

But it all changed before the thought had taken root. As he handed her over, as exhausted as Mark was, he looked hesitant. It was as if he didn't trust me with my own daughter, or as if he just didn't want anyone else to hold her. I pulled the baby into my warm motherly embrace and cuddled her. Before I could even start to rock her or sing to her, she let out an ear-piercing scream of mortal terror.

In a split second, Mark, who'd been heading for bed, wheeled in place and snatched her away from me. As soon as she was back with Mark, Lila settled down and started cooing. That told me what my place in that house was. That incident alone extended my time with Dean. If I couldn't be first in my own home, I could be first in someone else's. Don't get me wrong, I did feel guilty about the time I spent with Dean and Brina. But at the same time I craved the attention.

One week later though, I went to Chicago and got a surprise. As my taxi pulled up to Dean's house, I saw lots of bags on the porch. I had a key to Dean's front door. My key didn't work and there was a note.

"Kathy, I've gathered all of your things. I know you're not a flight attendant. I also know that you're already married. I've taken Brina to Disney World this weekend. Please take your things and please don't call me or come back. I guess I'll always wonder why you did this, but if finding out means having to see you again, I'd rather not know."

It was signed D. Stockwell.

I returned to Michigan. I was a mass of confusing and conflicting emotions. As soon as I got home I ran up to our bedroom and cried my eyes out for hours. Mark as usual came up to comfort me immediately. He made me my favorite tea and sat with me, rubbing my back and consoling me. He was smart enough not to press me for answers until I was ready to talk. But he was also dumb enough to abandon me as soon as his daughter cried.

I made up a lie about not being appreciated at work and how all of the traveling I did was taken for granted. Mark told me to quit my job and stay home. I decided to simply stop going to Chicago. It was easier than it sounded since most of the time I was volunteering to go and staying longer than was necessary.

But Mark's gesture touched me. I vowed to never cheat on him again and to try to become a better mother to my daughter. It was tough because by then Mark may as well have been a single parent. I was home most days but Lila had spent her first year and a half of life being attended to mostly by her father. So as soon as she could walk she started inserting herself between us.

When I pointed her patterns out to Mark, he told me I was imagining it. But I'd noticed that if Mark was sitting on the sofa alone and Lila wanted to go to sleep, she'd crawl up into his lap. If Mark and I were sitting on the sofa together, Lila would climb up on the sofa between us. She wouldn't just crawl up and lie across us or even climb up into Mark's lap, leaving Mark and me sitting together. She had to crawl up between us. In essence, she was pushing me away from Mark. If I was sitting on the sofa alone, she wouldn't even look my way. She would toddle all over the house looking for Mark.

So, Lila telling me that her father driving three hours each way up to her school to take her to lunch didn't surprise me at all. In fact, all it did was remind me that that the two of them had become accustomed to reaching out to each other when they were sad or upset. They also did it when they were happy. I also had to admit that it was my fault.

Over the years, there had been many times when I felt set aside or ignored by the two of them. But again most of them were due to my own needs or vanity. Don't get me wrong, there were years when I was faithful and I worked very hard to make us a close family. But there were also times when the slightest provocation could lead to me sleeping with someone else.

When Lila was six years old and in the first grade, I had to pick her up from school once. I hadn't ever done it before because by then I had quit my job and since Mark's shift at the hospital ended just before Lila got out of school, it just seemed convenient.

So when I went to the office to find out which classroom she was in, everyone looked at me as if I had arisen from the dead. The principal personally took me to Lila's classroom. There, I met her teacher, who also seemed shocked beyond comprehension.

"Miss Henson, this is Katherine," said the principal. "She's Lila's mother."

"Holy shit, I knew he wasn't gay," spat the teacher. "Oh, I'm sorry! But it's just that Lila never mentions you. Uhm, are you and Mark divorced?"

"No," I said. "We're happily married."

"I'm sorry to pry like this, but do you live with them?" she asked.

"Of course," I said. "Why are you asking me these questions?"

"We've never seen or heard of you," said the principal. "None of us knew that Lila had a step mother. Of course we're happy for Mark but..."

That was when I lost it. "I'm not her God damned step mother," I screamed. "I gave birth to her."

"Calm down, Mrs. Getsetgo," said the principal. "You're listed on Lila's family sheet. But we've never seen you here. Lila never mentions you and last month she asked if her Dad could bring her to the Mother/Daughter Luncheon. We just assumed that..."

It didn't help when they called Lila to get her coat and get ready to leave and the first words out of her mouth were, "Where's my daddy?"

Mark, of course took her side. He claimed that she just wasn't used to me picking her up. That led to me going away for a weekend to a bachelorette party with some friends of mine. I broke my promise that weekend. Actually I broke it several times. There was a black male stripper there who had me sore by the time the weekend was over.

When I got home Mark treated me like a princess which only made me feel even guiltier about what I had done. Mark suggested that I spend more time with Lila and do some of the things that little girls like to do. He told me not to expect changes to come over night, but to keep at it because Lila was worth it. I promised him that I'd try. I did it more out of guilt than anything else.

The next thing that happened made me feel even more foolish and it had nothing to do with Lila. Mark started working more hours and became a lead tech at the hospital. I expected that his promotion would have meant he'd fewer hours so he wouldn't have to leave me with Lila. But he worked more. He even volunteered to work some shifts so other people could take them off.

Being a cheater myself, I knew what it smelled like. I did two things. The first was that I started another affair of my own with one of our neighbors. It was very dissatisfying as most of my dalliances had been, but I kept it up just to spite Mark.

The second thing I did was to hire a PI to watch over Mark and find out who he was fucking. The PI was very good. He followed Mark every day for weeks and didn't catch him once. So he tried a different tactic. He went to the hospital's HR department and found a guy with a loose tongue. He pretended to be a rep from a company we was checking up on Mark's finances.

My PI looked at me as if I had crawled out from under a rock the next time I saw him. I was sure that he was disgusted by what he had found out about Mark.

"Don't worry, I'm giving as good as I get," I said. "I've got my own action going on the side."

"Yeah, lady, you've mentioned it more than a few times," he spat. "Can I ask you something? Did you start cheating on your husband before you suspected he was doing something? Or did you just hope he was doing something so you wouldn't feel bad about what you're doing?"

"Why, the fuck is it your business?" I asked.

"Because he's not cheating on you," he spat. "As much as I can tell the guy's life revolves around you and his kid."

"Then why the hell is he working so much?" I yelled. Somehow I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

"Because he makes decent money, but not rich guy money," he spat. "The poor schlob has been busting his ass to buy you a fucking Beemer for your anniversary next month. Can I get paid now, I'm done? On second thought send me a check. Enjoy cheating on a guy who loves you that much, lady."

Once again I was ripped apart by guilt and threw myself into trying to be the best wife I could. Over the years, I tried and did become closer to Lila. But it wasn't the closeness that most women have with their daughters. Lila was simply a daddy's girl. That was due in part to the fact that I left her to Mark during her formative years. They had developed a bond that I was peripheral to, but never on the inside of.

So I knew that afternoon, that Lila would never ask her father to call me. She was polite, she was compassionate sounding, but I knew that above all else, she was still her daddy's girl. She would not do anything to hurt him or cause him any pain.

"Lila, I love your father with all of my heart," I told her. "All I want is a chance to make this up to him. I'm your mother, Lila. I carried you for nine months. They pulled you out of my womb. The three of us are a family. You have to do your part to help us stay together. You have to help me."

I heard the sound of the phone falling to the floor and Lila laughing in an unrestrained fashion.

"Mother...and I use the term loosely," she said. "You carried me for nine months and then handed me to my daddy for the rest of my life. I don't remember one instance of you picking me up when I fell or sitting with me when I was sick.

"I remember Daddy, looking embarrassed as hell when he took me to the store to buy my first bra. I remember him scaring the shit out my first few dates when they came to pick me up. I remember millions of kisses and hugs and dollars slipped under my pillow over the years. I remember him telling me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. I remember him propping me up when I needed it, picking me up when I fell and celebrating with me when I won. I can't count how many times over the years that he's told me he loves me, but I can't remember you saying it even once.

I do remember riding my bike up and down the street and seeing you slipping out of Mr. Morton's house down the street. At the time I didn't know what it meant, but I felt even then that it was wrong. And as I think about it now, I have the feeling that there must've been others too, MOTHER. I never said anything about it to Daddy, because he loves your silly ass so much that he would be hurt so badly by what you've done.

So don't expect me to be Switzerland here, mother. I have already chosen a side. If Daddy decides to keep you, I'll support it and keep my silence. On the other hand if he decides to walk away...you won't be seeing much of me either. Right now he is really upset mother, so I have to stand by him the same way he's stood by me for my entire life. But do intend to treat you the same way you've treated me for most of my life too. If you want to talk to Dad, you're going to have to call him yourself."

The only thing I could do was to pray that she kept her word. Mark, hearing about any of my dalliances could mean the end of my chances to stay married to him. I felt as if I was walking on the edge of a razor. I debated whether or not to come clean about my affairs and beg him for one last chance. The problem was that he was upset about only one and the very first of them. There had been so many more. And although none of them had meant a God damned thing to me, each of them would have been a dagger in the heart of our marriage.