Was It Cheating?

I never did apply for a divorce yet. I just couldn't start the process. I thought I'd leave it up to Carrie to start it. She's the one that needed that freedom. I knew deep down that I really still loved her but didn't want to be made a fool of. I didn't even cancel the checking or saving accounts. Carrie was an executive secretary. She made some decent bucks. I guess she knew she made enough money to support herself. She didn't run up any credit cards or take any savings. In fact she added to the savings account. I slipped Julie some money whenever I saw her which wasn't too often. I talked to her on the phone quite a few times.

Bob called me about a week before we were to go to trail. He said he had some great news. All charges against me were dropped. I asked him why they would do that? They had me over the barrel, both for jail time and financially.

"Well, Jim," he said, "I know you won't want to hear this but you have Carrie to thank for all the dropped charges. She told the Melcher's that if they proceeded with these charges against you that she would make it known that Roger was about to rape her when you intervened and that she would file charges against them and, even if the charges didn't stick, the rumors would. It would probably cost both of them their jobs and they would probably have to move. They told her it would ruin her too if she let everything be known. She told them if it would save you she would be willing to risk it."

Damn it, I thought. It was her fault in the first place that all this happened. Now here I am being the bad guy and her the savior. I do have to admit she did do it for me. Bob handed me a letter from Carrie. He said, "I'm supposed to give this to you but I have no idea what's in it. She still cares for you, Jim. I know you don't want to hear it but you ought to at least read the letter."

I took it and put it in my pocket. Maybe, just maybe I'd look at it later.

When I got back to my apartment my youngest daughter, Julie, had left me a message to call her. So I rang her cell phone and when she answered she really seemed happy.

"Dad, I hear you're a free man and according to mom a hero. I always knew you were special. Dad, the reason I'm calling is Thanksgiving dinner. Kim's family will be there as well as Jordan and his new girlfriend, whom you gotta meet, will be there. Can you make it, dad?"

"Is your mother going to be there, Julie?"

"Yes, dad, mom is going to be there but it's going to be at Kim's house. Please, dad, come. We all miss you. Dad, mom's really sorry. She didn't realize how much she hurt you."

"Sweetie, I'm going up to your grandparents' for Thanksgiving. Tell everyone thanks for the invite but I can't see her right now. I love you, sweetie, and tell everyone I love them."

"Does that include mom, dad?" I couldn't answer her so I just said goodbye and hung up.

I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to discuss my personal problems with my mom and dad. They were getting up in age and it would probably just hurt them. Besides they loved Carrie and I knew they would tell me to just forgive her. It wasn't that easy for me.

Christmas was on it's way. I asked Julie to go shopping with me to get everyone something. We had a lot of fun. We ate out at the Red Lobster and shopped at all the better stores. As we went into one store Julie said she had to buy her mom something. She found some nice outfits that I knew Carrie would love.

Julie looked at me and said, "Dad, can you loan me some money so I can buy these outfits for mom? I don't have enough money."

"Only if you promise not to put my name on any of the packages. You can get whatever you want and you don't have to pay me back."

"Great, thanks, dad," as she started running up a tab. I had to end up putting it on a credit card. She bought her mom over $500 worth of clothes. We had bought something for everyone from me except Carrie. Julie looked at me and said, "Dad, just so you know and don't want to feel silly, I know mom bought you something. So it's up to you if you get her something."

Here we go again. If I don't buy Carrie something then I'm the bad guy. I looked at Julie and said, "Okay, blackmailer, what should I get her?" Julie smiled and kissed me on the cheek and then walked me over to the Jewelry store. She picked out a diamond necklace and showed it to me. "What do you think, dad? Doesn't it say, 'mom' to you?"

I had to agree with the little blackmailer, it had Carrie written all over it. It would be perfect for her. 'Well, dad, yes or no?" I looked at the price tag of $450 for a necklace.

I looked at a smiling Julie and a ridiculous, $450 price tag. "Okay, but that's all I'm buying her." How do you refuse your little girl. It's darn near impossible.

As we drove back to Julie's place from shopping, Julie asked me if I ever read Carrie's letter?

I told her that I hadn't done it. She asked me to please read it and said that I needed to know how her mom felt.

I said, "Okay, I will read it," and then pulled up in front of the house.

Julie asked, "Are you going to help carry in the packages?"

I told her, "No, I'm not going in the house. You can make three trips if necessary."

As she made the second trip, I glanced up at the picture window and saw Carrie looking out at me. It was the first time I had laid eyes on her in months. I had to look away. I said goodbye to Julie and then went back to the apartment.

I opened the letter with nervous fingers. I wasn't sure what I was going to see.

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Dear Jim:

First of all, honey, though you may not believe this, I love you with all my heart. Yes, I know that I have betrayed your trust and the vows that we took by being with Michelle. I also need you to know that I didn't know her husband was there that day. I'd never betray you with another man. You were my first, only and you will be my last. I am truly sorry for what I have done and if I could, I would change everything.

I could think of plenty of excuses for what I did, the lousy schedules we both have, not being completely happy with the sex life that we had, just wanting something different. But those are excuses, not reasons.

I made a mistake, Jim, every time I was with her. One that I am paying for everyday because I have wrecked the union between the two of us by something so pitiful as sexual release, and also with lies. The affair broke our marriage, the lies broke your trust and I will be forever sorry. If there is any way that I can mend what happened and make us whole again, I would do it.

I know you hate me. I know you don't want to look at me and that I probably disgust you. In a marriage that lasted as long as ours, you understand the other person, or at least you try. I know that you can't forgive easy. I hope someday though, you will try.

We have children together that love both of us. I also hope someday that we can once more enjoy them together. Let me know when you wish to see them or holidays you wish to spend with them and I will bow out.

I love you, Jim. And with all my heart I hope there is someway we can work through this, for you and I.

Carrie

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After reading this letter from Carrie, I started to cry. God, how I loved her but I hated what she did. I had to think hard on what to do next. I was so lonely without her. I went to bed and tossed and turned. I just couldn't sleep. I got up and went onto the computer. I decided to read a few stories. I didn't want a bunch of sex stories. I wanted some true-to-life stories. I found a number of stories of men who were alone during the holidays, most because of the death of their wives. I kept thinking how sad it was for these men, losing their wives and spending the holidays alone.

Some of the stories brought tears to my eyes. I remember reading "Endless," an award winning story about a man sitting next to his wife who was in a coma. Another story, "Alone for the Holidays," described a man spending his first Christmas alone. These stories really made me think. I had a wife I loved. She hadn't died and wasn't in a coma. She was alive and well. I wondered if I were in these other men's shoes, what would I wish for? It would be to have my loving wife back.

Here it was Friday night. I was home crying for a woman who only lived five miles away. I didn't want to live my life without her. I wanted her beside me. I wanted to die an old man with her by my side. Damn, it was now midnight. I didn't care, I put her letter in my pocket and headed home to Carrie. When I got there I glanced through the window and saw her siting there in her robe. I tapped on the door. I saw her get up, wondering who it could be. She glanced around the curtains and looked out to see me standing there.

She rushed to unlock the door and opened it and looked at me. I could see tears rolling down her cheeks. She said, "Jim, you've come back to me."

I looked and said, "I need the answer to one question." I held up her letter and asked her if she meant everything she wrote in it.

With tears running down her face, she answered, "Every word of it, Jim. I love you with all my being, always have and always will. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

With that said I went into the house. I asked where Julie was. Carrie said she was at her friend's house for the night. They were having a Christmas party and didn't want to drive home.

Carrie looked at me and said, "Jim, I missed you so much. Will you make love to me?"

I kissed her, then turned off the light and walked her into the bedroom where we made love. I took her totally. I began by disrobing her, then started kissing her breasts. Rubbing and kissing like we did when we first got married. I didn't stop until her nipples were hard as nails. At that point I slid my hand onto her mound. I felt her push it up into my hand. I slid down and buried my face into her. I wasn't going to just eat pussy, I was going to love it with all I had. I tongued her vaginal opening, licking, sucking, caressing her. I kept doing it until her juices were flowing. I heard her say, "Jim, put it in me. It's been so long. Please make love to me." There was no doubt who she was thing of.

I was hard, the only thing on my mind was pleasing Carrie. I had missed her so much. I slowly slid into her and stayed buried in her. I felt her vaginal muscles squeezing me, literally milking me. I knew I couldn't hold out. "Carrie, I can't hold out much longer, please come with me."

Right then I hear Carrie scream out, "I'm coming, Jim, I'm coming for you," as I shot the biggest pent-up load deep onto the walls of her sex. I laid across her and hugged and kissed her. Then I lay down next to her.

She looked at me and said, "Promise me you'll never leave me again. I'll do everything I can to regain your love, respect and trust."

"I promise, and tonight we took a big step in the regaining of our love for each other."

I fell asleep in the arms of my wife. Just before going to sleep I remember the stories I had read about being alone. It wasn't going to happen to me. Not now, not ever, as long as I had Carrie by my side.

We never again spoke of the past few months. We thought it better to look ahead at our life together. We never took each other for granted again.

A last thought: She loved her necklace.

Comments welcome

DG Hear