All Comments on 'Welcome to the Literotica Universe'

16. Women on Lit get remarkably wetter with their natural lubricants flowing down their legs, drenching their undies, and leaving large puddles wherever they go.

17. Both parents tend to be dead, usually in car wrecks or plane crashes, unless, of course, there is an eighteen year old hottie in the house in which case there will be an available parent to service said hottie.

16--women can cheat on unsuspecting husbands to the point of being random gangbang sluts, they can be bizarrely cruel to others and especially their own relatives or children, they can lie, they can steal, they can blackmail husbands or lovers, they can plot with lovers to utterly ruin their husbands' lives in order to get his money......but they'll never abort a fetus made from cheating....especially if the father of the fetus is of a different race than her husband. Apparently THAT is always against their religious or personal beliefs, just not all that other shit.

17--If any wife ever reads a "self help" or "feminist" book or takes a women's studies class or hangs out with her female friends too much or befriends a "liberal" college professor, particularly a sociologist.....she will immediately either become a heartless cheating slut or will become a man hating, hairy biker type lesbian because *reasons*.

18--Penises that are larger than what a woman is used to or are of a darker skin tone than her previous lovers' equipment is (wink wink, IR crowd) will immediately turn her into a compulsive dick addict if she so much as sees it erect let alone lets it inside of her body, causing all such afflicted women to immediately destroy their families, abandon their children (except daughters of breeding age whom they intend to offer to the large/dark penis god or gods she now worships), give up their doctor/lawyer jobs, and otherwise turn their lives upside down in order to get their hourly fix of large and/or dark skinned penis injections from random men.

19--All women are submissives who want to be completely enslaved, even dominatrix types...who just haven't met a man with a large enough penis to rob them of their free will yet.

20--All women enjoy receiving anal sex (especially first timers) from men with very thick, 9+ inch long penises who prep them with little more than 30 seconds of a lubed up pinky insertion and a glob of spit on the penis or possibly 1 to 2 minutes of ass licking before hand.

About rule 15. I think it is because writers are nervous about the Literotica rules that say we can't have any sex scenes with people below the age of 18.

Which naturally translates to the fear of even mentioning that younger people do in fact have sex. So the easiest way to get around it all is to simply have everyone stay virgins until they are adults.

Tropes exist in every genre of literature. If this site were dedicated to cyberpunk it would be full of stories about drug addicted, chain smoking, anti-heroes with cybernetic enhancements that make them dirt poor genius hacker types who live on the fringes of a dystopian city which streets are coloured in various shades of neon from the lights in the windows of dirty motels, knocking shops and tattoo / techno body modification parlours, all ruled over by corrupt politicians/megacorporations that said anti-hero inevitably saves everybody, or his small band of degenerates from.

I like origins stories. The universe you describe is accurate (you could have mentioned the endless shouting by the multi-orgasmic women). But where does this universe come from? Fantasies being what they are, they don't need to be realistic. On the other hand, the consistency of the Literotica universe implies that there is a shared origin in the real world.

Possibly, the reality is a repressed society where sex is wrong/bad; any woman liking sex is a whore (contradiction, I know); and you therefore learn about sex from porn -- itself a cartoonish, primarily misogynist medium. You can see most of the Literotica universe in your average gonzo porn offering.

Mom was honest, I was smaller than dad. But, I was a better lover.

The poor cucks seem to be the opposite of every rule.

I think you’ll find that the heroes of BTB stories have the same sad attributes, but they go on murderous rampages after catching their wives with better endowed men, which tends to divert attention from the tiny size of the hero’s equipment.

1. In Lit-Land, all tops worn by women are halter tops. This is an odd rule, but true. No description of tops is ever given except for “halter”.

2. When traveling in an overloaded vehicle, the solution to fit all the stuff is for the mother of the family to ride on her son’s lap. And sitting on his lap always leads to sex in the car without anybody else noticing.

I too feel inadequate because I am simply average in many areas. I am damn lucky my wife even allows me in the house. LOL Very funny and right on point.

Well, these stories are pretty much all fantasies, after all.

two additional rules, although I would amend his Rule 1 to note woman also wear tank tops.

Very entertaining, many thanks.

There is a serious but intriguing side to all of this.

The idea of the separate universe is particularly amusing and interesting because medical science is bringing the universes together. Not least because people are prepared to pay a lot to have their fantasies realized. The purchase of large, barely sagging breasts is now routine, and very profitable. The price of erection-enhancing medication in this part of the world is upwards of $50 per tablet.

Surgical and genetic manipulation is in its early stages but wealthier people are already choosing become more visually attractive. No doubt it will be possible to opt for large 'naturally' grown breasts or a real, fully functioning, large penis (and perhaps select the color!) for yourself and your projected offspring. The Star Wars universe is on the way; not sure about 'aliens' but, no doubt, minds could be manipulated to make them appear attractive.

However, while history indicates that all these things will happen, it also suggests that, notwithstanding the fantasies of Lit readers, society will, for its survival, always regard people who make solemn promises/contracts and then cheat as less worthy than the rest. But the bright side of neurological advances is that it will be possible to have all the sensations and pleasures (including guilt if desired) of sex with your in-laws, grandmother, film stars, neighbor's goat etc. without actually doing it. This will result in a substantial reduction in the population of the earth but since resources are not infinite...!

Nice try, these stories are true. I just haven't experienced any of them just yet. Well maybe the cuckold husbands condition

Mary I often make these same observations, so I found your article entertaining, and rings true to many of the stories on here. I wonder if the writers and readers just so badly want this lit-univers to be our true universe? I know I would most of the time.

Another couple observations many times the characters seem to have very high paying jobs and/or access to large amounts of money. When cheating is in the story the husband always has a friend that is spy level tech savvy. The husband also always seems to know just what to do when he finds out the wife is cheating, move out, close accounts, hire a P.I., oh and many times there is a hot redhead somewhere in the story.

As an ironclad rule, the first response to finding out that your wife is fucking another, is to lose your lunch. Whether you make it to the toilet or projectile vomit all over what is handy, doesn't matter. I guess Literoticans have tender stomachs.

Also, when ever someone comes up with some new term, it must be worked into every story, as often as possible. "Folds" meaning cunt, and "airtight" meaning a cock in every hole big enough to accommodate one are two examples.

The Literotica Universe doesn't have poor people in it. In part that is what inspired me to write Hamstrung Mom last year, which had a single mom struggling to get by, although even there I cheated by supplying her needs in unlikely ways.

and amusing. Thank you.

LIT World's most striking feature has always been the lack of abortion. I suspect the majority of readers/writers are middle-aged, middle-class men with fairly main stream views about morality who don't want any grandchildren aborted.

I've always wondered if graduate students are data-mining this treasure trove of sex stories for trends and insights. Anyone know if anything has been published?

Oh, Mary, you forgot all the retired Navy Seals.

Wasn't going to read it till I saw all those "H" symbols on your stories. Any author that can accomplish that deserves to be read.

This may fall in line with Rule #1 and #4. Black males always have way larger penises and gonads, and can go forever. Even though it may start as a rape, the female will find out the black male is a better lover, and will want black men over white men, or any other race of men. White females will be more willing to do more sexual acts with black men than any other race of men. White females will be more willing to cheat with a black man.

Mary, nice work. Both good for a laugh as well as pointing out some very funny facts about stories found here. I'm pretty sure I've fallen into a few of these myself ;)

RNebular

And as for the presentation of texts: in the outer world, published material is subject to conscientious proof reading. Not so in Literotica. Over the years I've collected hundreds of mis-spellings that are (to me at least) hilarious. With regard to Ms. Anderson's piece (see, I avoided "peace"), The comments that it called forth are very much worth reading. Thank you Mary Anderson.

and if you look at comments and ratings from Lit. readers, there's a culture of "code enforcement". The few stories i've read with an abortion take the writer to task, same with male bi-sex, even when its disclosed up-front. well-written and thought out tales are taken to task because readers feel they are outside their "norms" - like if a writer has parents stay upset at their kids for screwing each other.

I hope some writers push the envelope more. I love all your tales - they are well-written, fun and sexy. so please, BREAK SOME RULES!!!! i'll still love them!!

oh- 1 last rule: NEVER, NEVER have a typo!

Excellent explanation of the rules Mary. Great preseption and insight to the Lit world. May I suggest another rule be added. 16. If there's ass whipping to be done it must be done by a student of the martial arts, or a Marine, or most any retired military person, or any Army, SAS, Secret Service Agent, ect. ect. So, if there's ass whooping to be done it will be done by a total Badass! Thanks Mary, from a devout reader. Five stars!

A. In the literotica universe the act of squirting cum in a vagina always causes the woman to have an orgasm. Unless the squirter is the husband on way to becoming a cuckold.

B. In the real world nearly all the wives are fat and dress poorly. Don't believe me? Go to the grocery store or Walmart. In the Literotica world all wives are drop dead sexy and inspire lust in anyone watching them.

C. In the Literotica world women (and some men) wear garter belts and stockings. In my world even pantyhose are becoming rare.

D. In the Literotica world married people have sex 3 to 10 times per week, even after 25 years of marriage. In my world people have sex 3 times a month and if they ever did it 10 times a month they'd be hypersexual.

E. The biggest difference is that in Literotica world most girls except sluts are virgins when they enter college and many give their virginity to the men they marry. In my world any girl who isn't either wildly religious or extremely repulsive enters college having already had two or more partners before they turn 18. And by the time they think of settling down they've had about 20, if they're Americans

R.

Morning sex is never postponed, even briefly, due to needing to pee.

Further to Rule 3, an orgasm a woman has as a result of fingers or mouth on her clitoris (either from foreplay or experimenting with a woman (see Rule 2)) is nice but it only makes her hornier. She won't actually feel sexually satisfied until a guy sticks his penis in her vagina. Only then will she have a REAL orgasm.

I enjoyed your essay. I guess we've all made these observations but it's nice to see them put down so cleverly. There is one more however. Politics is pervasive in our universe, with news about our president occurring on a daily basis for example. In the Literotica alternate reality it is verboten, even to the point where when I wrote a nine part story titled "Nasty Women and Bad Hombres" shortly after the election of President Trump, Literotica refused to publish it unless I changed the name. It ended up being called "The Life of a Hoosier Farm Girl." Another time when my heroine was a Latina woman with some "issues" I got a few nasty comments and a significant number of one star bombs (that was "My Memorable One Night Stand"). I'll bet other authors have had similar experiences?

This was so much fun to read -- and right on target! Thank you.

A. Hymen, if they exists (and in our universe they're more and more considered a (male?) myth), are in the Literotica Universe (LU) positioned somewhere (halfway about) into the vagina.

B. No woman in the LU ever rejects the offer of a dick put into her mouth, even if she knows that it has just been pulled our from hers or someone else's ass.

C. Nobody in LU ever gets ill from licking someone's anus, nor even from sticking their tongue inside. (E-coli bacteria may have been eradicated in the LU, I guess.)

D. All vaginas in LU are tight. (No feeling of the dick entering into St. Peters cathedral...) Might possibly have connection with Rule 1.

E. Vaginas in LU even get more tight the more aroused the woman becomes.

F. All women in LU get aroused by someone suddenly smacking their bum hard.

G. Males in the LU has a deep yearning for spraying their semen in the faces of the woman they're making love to. (In this respect LU may possibly be similar to the part of our universe that's called "USA". In other parts of our universe is difficult to find such a lust expressed in erotic fantasies.)

H. Women in the LU gets aroused from having semen sprayed into their face.

I. Women in LU even think its OK to get globs of semen in their hair -- and in their eyes also.

J. Sexual activity in LU is obviously mostly odorless. (How can people otherwise have sex close to other people, e.g, in the backseat of a car, without anybody around noticing what's going on.)

K. The substantial group of women in our universe who don't get any spontaneous sexual lust is very small in LU.

L. On the other hand nearly all women in LU gets tremendous sexual lust just from seeing a penis (-- which may, again, possibly have something to do with Rule 1).

Well, we can entertain ourselves by these Rules and observations, but this phenomenon really has a sad side to it. Porn (Lit included) is regrettably an important source for information about sex for those who grow up and enter into the universe of sex. It's difficult not to believe that all these exaggerations, myths and misinformation may contribute to false perceptions/expectations of how sex normally works within a relation -- and further to think that this leads to lots of distress, unhappiness, tragedy, grief and sorrow. How many kids each year experiences that their basic trust and safety is broken by their parents splitting up -- and what great part does unrealistic sexual expectations and troublesome role/gender modelling from porn play here? (We know from various research projects i.a. that satisfaction in couples relation and sex life are influenced by how we perceive our own situation compared to our peers'.)

We can hope that all misinformation is balanced out by those tremendous stories which depicts Real Sex and Real People with both Real Bodies and Real Feelings -- sex is always a relational phenomenon happening between people with minds and emotions -- but I'm not too sure, those stories are few.

Except here all the men are well-hung and all the women are bosomy.

Mary, excellent review.

I'd add: police are never involved unless they are one of the sexual participants. Women are always turned on by having a voyeur no matter how creepy the guy is in the beginning. Very few voyeur stories don't have sex between observer and observed. Rape turns to lust or revenge but rarely criminal prosecution

A nice list of cliches to be avoided. I'm going to re-read this regularly.

Off to work on a four-part trilogy...

In L.W. everyone makes love all day and night on their honeymoons. Each Love making session lasts for hours. In real world, average is under 1/2 hour. Actual coupling lasts 3-4 minutes.

wonderful and entertaining.

I guess it's best place to live fantasies and cover all the inadequacies of real life.

Rule 7 is different in Loving Wives - Unless he's a cuck wannabe, a (usually) husband who discovers/suspects his wife is cheating, will go to extraordinary lengths to obtain "proof," even if they live in a no-fault state. He will do everything in his power to shame his wife. At a minimum he will divorce her, making sure that family, friends, colleagues and church know why he is divorcing her. In extreme cases, he will go BTB (Burn The Bitch), leaving her in penury and pain.

Speaking of large penises, in the Literotica Universe, women LOVE having their cervix pounded by 12 inch cocks and their vaginas stretched by cocks as thick as Coke cans!

I'm sure I've missed a few as well.

Regarding Rule G, only men in the USA enjoy spraying cum in the women's faces? Surely you have heard of "bukkake," which comes from Japan?

Even more astounding are the women who go commando, whose pussies are "dripping," yet they miraculously don't have embarrassing wet spots on their clothing!

Here’s one more rule for you. In the LU, relationships can evolve at light speed.

Where else could a mother and son go from, “finally noticing” a) how virile her 18 year old son has become, and B) how well preserved his mother is for her mid-forties (must be all the workouts and yoga).

The next 200 words meticulously describe their every physical attribute, just to make sure we don’t use our imaginations. Next, we leap to some device like a wardrobe malfunction and quickly move to full nudity. In a flash we’re into first-time anal and we’re still on page one.

All that aside, I have to admit that I’m fine with the giant cocks, gravity-proof DD tits, and gallons of cum. It’s fantasy and as long as there are well developed characters I can get behind (figuratively) and the pacing builds good sexual tension, I’m good with every other little overexaggerated detail.

I only read Mary’s essay because I had just finished reading a story of hers that enshrined several of the rules. It was very well written. I liked the characters. The development kept me reading until the big double payoff. Time well wasted. I'm off to read part 2 of that story now.

You are obviously a person of great insight and wit. We must become acquainted! Five stars for this exquisite piece of brilliance! Randi.

Excellent.

Brilliant and insightful!

I am guilty of all of the above. Then again, we ARE talking about fiction, aren't we?

On bisexual women - once they develop their bisexuality, they never have feelings of jealousy. In fact, they'll go out of their way to recruit women to be sex partners for their man. And when they do have sex with other women, it's typically to put on a show for their man instead for their own personal pleasure.

And I'm hopeful that my stories aren't set in the Literotica Universe.

I laughed out loud many times... a wonderful analysis of our little world. Brilliantly done...!!!!

And not nearly as tedious as the endless carping in comments about how preposterous some stories are.

I take this as a challenge to write about tepid sex -- which will happen only after 2,000 words of character and location exposition and many, many impediments to actually doing the deed. Readers will squirm with anticipation until they finally get to the payoff . . .

"Mother holds her finger over my lips and whispers huskily, 'Wait,' before she dashes from the bed to the master bathroom. Through the closed door, her flatulence turns my four-incher into hot steel."

Very accurate.

This is literally the best thing I've read all day.

The only thing you forgot is the idiots who pan stories positioned in categories they don't like, and the utter nonsense that goes on in that gloriously cuckolded category, Loving Wives.

Mary Mary, Being Delightfully Contrary.....

Credit where credit is due. I may have my quibbles (who doesn't) but she has created a place for us all to play.

They may get jealous and leave there significant other also, if the have the daughter or son to counsolthem with sex 😂😂😂. What about if you really want to have sex with someone in the Literotica Universe all you really have to do is let them catch you masturbating.

But an excellent list that had me chuckling away.

I would offer the following additions.

Rule 2 - I recently read a series where the women (40+) all found out they were bi (and into incest, but that's not the rule). Then a lesbian was introduced who soon found out she was bi, so the rule has some evidence to work from both sides toward the middle.

Rule 7 - Jealousy is also often a cause for confusion, nothing specific, it just confuses the jealous person to the point of inaction. It is also associated with arousal, so unless revenge is on the cards, the jealous partner is also so confused and aroused, they can do nothing.

Rule 9 - Dominant bulls are often less than good looking, going to ugly, short, fat, hairy, smelly, etc. but that's all ok as the wife and cuck are totally submissive to him after a few words. They also break rule 14 often having smelly, bad tasting cum.

Rule 10 - There seems to be a natural immunity to STDs that is not universal,it seems to be that people in the same story have the same level of immunity, so it may be something in the water. Hence in areas where the water doesn't give the immunity, everyone is susceptible.

Mary is witty and accurate here -- but after all, this is a place where people indulge their sexual fantasies (though only in words, alas). I'm guilty myself of using some of these cliches and will be again. I don't want to write or read about ugly, miserable people having lousy sex, any more than I want to watch them in videos. I see plenty of ugly, miserable people every day and might even be one myself. Fantasies have their place in the life of the mind.

Just wonderful . . . Thank you.

nothing to add simply outstanding

You got most of the key points.

This sounds like ‘the murphy’s laws of ...” memes you find around on the net,

(Engineering) “if anything can go wrong, it will ...”

(War) “if it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.”

(Love) “if a person isn’t taken, there’s a reason.”

(Computing) “any program will expand to fill all available memory.”

And so on ...

Thanks for compiling this!

Now I'll never get that Triumph song out of my head. I should've titled this 'Lay it on the line'.

My argument is that, regardless of the medium, from filmed to written even to mimed (it's a thing) it's always fueled by fantasy. 

Does anyone really want to watch or read about a pudgy pimply faced, malodorous, micro-penis, selfish lover who's also a two pump chump fucking anything? 

No, the breasts are always perfect; the dicks resemble fire hydrants and stay hard for at least two ejaculations in a row, and every wife is 'hot'. The 'best' part is that every single married woman in the entire universe will happily throw away an absolutely stellar husband/father/provider/best friend/and virginity taker after seeing a truly huge cock for only a minute or two because they're all shallower than a dinner plate and her newfound enthusiasm is fueled by a logical anger toward the husband's lack of endowment, which in this reality, is entirely the hubby's fault. 

Harmless mostly, right, but I've yet to read one where a 'best friend', male or female, has been stand up when tempted and it takes little more than alcohol & persistence.

Not one girl 'friend' has ever told her frustrated BFF to do right. At the very least, advise her to divorce the poor dumb bastard before throwing herself into the herd of bulls at the club seeking married heifers they’re too worthless to support, but all too eager to fuck. 

“Shit, bitch, you’ve waited this long for a dick upgrade, you can wait a few more months so the world doesn’t start calling you the whore we all know you are, you fucking Puta!”, would be the minimum she’d get from me.

I also haven't read one where a black guy honored any white couple's marriage no matter what condition it was in. Is shining a bad light on any group by perpetuating amoral stereotypes that EXCLUSIVELY highlight the worst possible examples of said group okay to do? Because if it is, then the world owes the KKK an apology. 

Disclaimer: In this fucked up world with the fucked up social justice fuck heads whining about every fucking thing, I'm forced to present credentials so bear with. I am not a Klansman nor am I prejudiced against any color of human. I'm a Cuban/Puerto Rican spick and my personal DNA spans the whole fucking planet including Africa. 

If you say I’m a bad person for offering sympathy toward the KKK, you are an idiot. You only hear what you want to hear and I do not suffer fools. I'm worth more than that. 

I’m not offering anything to anybody. I’m saying that, if every story I’ve read featuring shitty godless behavior by black males is okay to tell, why aren’t the inaccurate depictions of blacks by the Klan equally okay? 

The only answer that makes any real sense is that the writers and fans of these over done stories think it really is okay. 

Meaning they don’t think anyone in their stories is anything more than a piece of shit because these tales are nearly identical, with descriptions of clueless, selfish, depraved, cowardly low self esteemed white men wracked with white guilt. 

Likewise, the white wives in these stories are the most cookie-cutter, shitty, weak willed, hypocritical, conniving, unworthy, disloyal, low self esteemed, easily led, and ever so shallow cunts one can conceive of. Not one escapes, or rather, not one tries too hard to escape the situations THEY PUT THEMSELVES IN. That it is a ploy to try & claim plausible denyability and/or an attempt to assuage their guilt is beyond obvious and treated like it’s a no-brainer story after story as if repetition will brainwash readers it is the way of things. 

It isn’t.

If you notice identical or very similar themes repeated over & over where something always considered wrong is being treated as right by the characters like it's no big deal, that's an attempt to condition you to believe that wrong is right, otherwise known as brainwashing. The Nazis painted the Jews like that so they'd be hated and I'm sure you've heard of Auschwitz. How many who just read that think I’m crazy? It can’t happen here, right? Yeah, that’s what the European Jews were saying in 1938. Guess what, it happened there.

I'm writing a tale now about a self-absorbed wife who has grown to loathe her heavily embittered husband and tries to cuck him by fucking a guy everybody hates. Hubs beats the living dog shit out of this asshole (she 'forgets' to mention hubby is a martial artist) and when they've come to their senses, the men question her and find out she'd set them both up because she hates them so damn much and has for years. 

That sounds much more realistic than a limitless insta-whore, gutter slut worshipping huge cocks nanoseconds after her first glimpse of another guy's 3 extra inches. 

The only recourse I and other strong willed real men & women have is to write more believable characters and more likely behaviors while still ensuring to include the quality and eroticsim that drew the readership in the first place.

That said, it bears repeating that erotic literature is, more than anything else, driven by fantasy where every sin is forgivable, unless you're a guy about to be cuckolded, of course.

Folks, I have been accused of being a little too intense for my own good. This is one of those times. That's why I usually proofread my work a day after I'm done fucking with it.

It's also why I'm adding this addendum to my prior comments. I preach no hate or violence toward anybody and, while I believe people can have a private agenda to suit their own purposes, I do not believe there is a conspiracy to brainwash the populace to reject faithfulness & monogamy in favor of a thrill. That the same tale is told over & over is a fact and my frustration isn't with stories written & rewritten, but it's with a seeming lack of interest in exploring other options equally available.

No, I do not advocate wearing aluminum foil hats, much less cutting off your balls & waiting for the intergalactic short bus that's stuck behind a slow moving asteroid.

So I apologize for offending if indeed anyone was offended, but I do not back down from the statement that people who behave that way are quite shitty.

I also got carried away with one aspect, one facet of a larger jewel and I now correct & acknowledge that it takes different strokes to move the world, yes it does.

In reality, I have had this conversation before and it became a heated yet civil argument. In my old stoner brain, I went back to it and pled my case all over again. Thank my bud, 'anonymous' (little bitch demanded I not use his name lest he be called a pervert) for pointing out my faux pa and suggesting I clarify.

Spick out!

One thing I’ve noticed also about the Literotica universe, is that all these people doing every possible sex act with multiple partners and never end up with any STD s . How? Out here in the real world, that just would not work.

They're all "rock hard" (a term you will NEVER find in any story of mine), and develop instantaneously.

In the LU, every 18-yo virgin boy becomes an expert cunt-lapper and an expert in making women cum after all of about 3 minutes in bed with a MILF, or his mother, aunt, next-door neighbor, older sister, teacher or some puss he just spotted in the food court of the local mega-mall. And of course, his cock is ALWAYS bigger that his fathers cock.

He's even an expert at convincing lesbians to become straight!

That is sooo good...everything is perfect! But there are also stories of the shadow people, the not So good-looking, chubby, wrinkled. But the majority of them are multiorgastic-rock-hard-bigboobs-etc. and yes you are missing the lesbian cluster. That is a must. Thanks

Really enjoyed reading your article “welcome to the Literotica Universe. Will try and keep them in mind should I ever write A story or two. Pretty sure my stories will prove dull / boring and be realigated to the sites circular file.

Everyone is over 18.

This includes high school cheerleaders and high school football players. In fact, these two types of people are never more than 18 either. They are all exactly 18. This applies to all nieces and nephews too.

While part of me wants to argue the point and point out that the Literotica Universe is like a Hollywood Universe, in that all of that normal world stuff happens, it just doesn't happen to our protagonist. That said. it is all true and I luaghed my arse off reading this. My wife found Literoitca a few weeks ago and I'll suggest she reads this as a primer.

LOL! Very on point! The real world sucks, which is why we have fantasy. The Literotica world is so fantastical that it defies logic and reason.

One more rule to add—the only person who is resolutely child free is the selfish bitch/bastard who just walked out on our honorable, pro-natalist hero. Said bitch/bastard usually comes to a miserable end before the story ends.

Okay, this was hilarious all the way, but

15 really made me laugh. I obviously understand why it is the way it is, but it is rather ironic, isn't it?

you can really tell that many stories are fantasies, most erotic literature is but some do get a bit unbelievable.

Love your essay, thank you!

Absolutely brilliant.

Funny essay, but it kind of misses the point of a site that posts amateur writers' stroke stories (let's be honest, that's what this IS, after all).

Who wants to read about people having average, boring or even BAD sex with plain, or even conventionally ugly partners? Oh, there might a few perusing the fetish category that could get off on that, but probably not enough to support the site, so naturally the stories tend to emphasize the wild, the exemplary and the unrealistic in terms of looks, stamina, sexual response and situations. Because that what makes for the quickest visceral response from readers.

One of my favorite quotes on this subject is from the movie Tootsie, in which Dustin Hoffman is trying to get his agent to help him produce a play his roommate (Bill Murray) wrote about a family that "moved back to Love Canal" - the environmentally damaged residential area. The agent says no one will produce it because it's "a downer".

Hoffman's character says "That actually happened!"

The agent replies (dickishly, but accurately):

"WHO GIVES A SHIT? No one's going to pay $50 a ticket to go see people living next to toxic waste. They can drive to New Jersey and see that for free."

Real life is usually boring, bland or difficult and then you die.

Most people get enough of that reality without having to go to entertainment sites (or porn sites) to get more.

I have been trying to break some of these rules. I will now try hard to break all of them.

Pursuant to Rule 1, even dicks that would only be a little above average in this world are considered huge by any partner one has in the Litverse. At least if all the tales featuring enormous 7- inch cocks are any guide.

Lol! And that's why we like the Literotica Universe! Your powers af observation are impeccable. I would only mention one other thing not addressed, and I don't know if this is a rule but probably so, it's authors are disproportionately male.

Yeah, you nailed it (the way everyone in LU nails it/gets nailed every time they meet someone they want to nail/get nailed by). A corollary of your astute observations: It is a helluva lot harder to write about real, messy life (especially sexual life) than it is to put one's fantasies on a page! I would bet that the best sex in human history occurs between average people who actually like each other, not celebs and movie stars.

Good stuff, stating the obvious, and ought to be required reading for authors on the site. And your point about the unfortunate male/female ratio of authors is spot on. Gotta say, live and let live, but there's a lot of stuff here that would drive me away if I was female...

Hysterical

You made me think of a classic comic moment from a Burt Reynolds movie, where he (his character that is) is making love to Candice Bergen's character. She's moaning and groaning to beat the band, and having over-the-top orgasmic seizures, and he's loving it, it's so great, and all of sudden.. Burt stops, has an epiphany, and says, "Wait a minute! I'm not that good!"

16. All women in the Lit Universe eventually Enjoy Rape/Nonconsent

17. You don't need to know some one to have sex with them in terms of personally

18. Pregnancy it seems in the Lit Universe is Optional

19. Animals or even Pets don't exists in the Lit Universe unless you are talking about the Non Erotic Category

20. Much like with Rule 19 No Kids or even Babies Under 18 exists in the Lit Universe not even Obviously in Non Erotic Scenes

21. Hot MILF Mothers always seem to have gotten Pregnant at the Age of 18 so they could be at the rip age of 40 when they finally seduce and have sex with their current aged up son of 18 (or whatever)

22. And Finally No One Really Cares or at least not that much of what Sexual Act is going on Right in front of them not even if the said sexual act was taking Place in a Very Public Place.

If I had written your essay, I’d be paranoid that the Literotica bureau of investigation ( LBI ) may have me under some form of covert surveillance, because your observations were so very spot on

There comes a moment- after reading several scores of these erotic tales where you think to yourself. - ‘Yeah, in a perfect world that could happen; maybe.’ - a realization I’ve at least come to at this point, if only on a subconscious level. However, no matter how many claims by some of these authors, about their stories being based on their own experiences, we should keep in mind that they are fictional, and that all good story telling includes some elements an author’s own experiences in life, although with some obvious exaggerations.

I’m glad you have pointed out many of them Mary. I was being to think there was something wrong with my own plumbing because of my own inability to achieve an erection, 10 minutes after ejaculating and having multiple orgasms there after within an hour or so!

Things to add:

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- You forgot to add "or when a woman cheats on her cuckold bf/husband" exception to Rule 11 about "no pregnancies"

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- Someone "famous" already mentioned it in an essay on writing, but in LE universe, especially LW, 30% of male population are Navy Seals

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- Again may be LW specific, but ALL husbands (or at least an overwhelming majority) are mentally defective Ghandi followers. They LOOOOOOVE their wives with an emotion so fictionally powerful that it survives not simply being cheated on, but even being literally stabbed in the back, or literally cuckolded. They can't possibly see the love of their life cry or even be sad, even if the sadness is from the evil bitch self inflicted karmic damage, for which they feel somehow responsible.

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- Yes, as per rule #1, everyone has large penis (except C.H.). BUT, if you're black the penis is at least 12 inches and thicker than an elephant's leg, or at least trunk. In real universe, in USA, whites have penis statistics of only 1/10th inch shorter on average than blacks.

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- Again LW specific, but while there's obviously nothing lucky or good about being cheated on, those cheated on husbands/fiancés/BFs, have leprechaun level 80 level of luck as far as discovering the cheating, for most part. The most improbable sets of circumstances happen to achieve that. Although, if one talks to people in law/justice system, it seems that most real world criminals are caught because they either were dumb or blabbed so perhaps this isn't so unrealistic.

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- Single fathers with daughters outside incest sub-universe, have the daughters ALWAYS unnaturally bright, with Einstein level IQ and off the charts EQ, and their main mission in life since age 8, to find the next wife for the father. Curiously, it's only daughters - the sons are typical real universe emotionally immature males; in case of a single father, they at best hurtfully take the mickey out of their dad for being single and in case of a mother, they throw a major tantrum if she brings home a guy she likes to meet the child (ok that one might be realistic i suppose).

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- Amazing men (good looking, rich, great personality but with dark attractive edge) always fall for the shitty women with awful past, after the women's obligatory (and usually not very taxing and entirely insincere) "redemption"; instead of finding a decent woman who wasn't a dumpster fire of a toxic superdump all her life except last 2 years.

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- And in those exceptional cases when they don't, those amazing men (good looking, rich, great personality but with dark attractive edge) fall for a woman who never did anything to better her life, got involved with a total shit guy (of her own choice and volition) and is now saddled with the shit guy's child or children. Women who make good life choices and have good personality and don't do bad stuff are out of luck.

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- Everyone who discovers they are being cheated on, immediately gets brain freeze for an extended period of time, can't think of anything, can't make decisions etc. Unless you are one of the 30% of men who are Navy Seals, then you know EXACLY how to solve the cheating problem within 10 seconds, with a plan rivaling the bombing of Hiroshima in its complexity, ruthlessness and efficacy of results.

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- 5% of population (mostly men) are uber-hackers, able to break into accounts, financial institutions, etc... They know how to clone phones and install spying apps from internet (even though it's on unrooted Android and un-jailbroken iPhone, which most random spying apps can't do). However, in a rare case the woman is a hacker, she is always literally world class champion. She doesn't break into someone's gmail, she breaks into CIA and NSA and FBI (simultaneously), steals money from offshore banks (always donating to charity) and can find any person by just their first name and last digit of car tag.

- Couples have sex every day for months on end because he never eats something that upsets his stomach and her period never leaves her feeling too uncomfortable with sex (and nothing ever stains).

- When It’s Love, the first time having sex will always be a magical, transcendent experience. And if the first time is quick, there’s always times 2-7 later that night.

- The worst smelling or tasting anyone’s anus will ever be is “a little funky, but not bad,” and no one’s dick (or 24” dildo) will ever come out with Santorum on it.

- Everyone is an exhibitionist.

It's all hysterically true, as you point out wirh precision, that life in the Lit Uni is rather like "The Truman Show." I laughed with self deprication at how my stories have all the "unnatural" elements you mentioned. Very well done