All Comments on 'When Carmine Asks'

Welcome to LW. I'd say that's as good a first tale as I've ever read. Good revenge against the cheating assholes. Way to go.

who are electronic wizards. TK U MLJ LV NV

funny

I enjoyed reading your story. Keep 'em coming.

The "nerd" couldn't even get his own revenge, he needed the mob to do it for him. Between that and the cockamamie plan to divorce Jennifer, I damn near lost my shit. This was beyond stupid, it was so idiotic that it lowers the iq of anyo e who reads it. Nevermind the time I lost reading this ridiculous piece of shit, I want the 25 iq. Points back.

A very welcome change to the usual wimp cluck tales posted here. Keep writing, improve your skills. It would appear you have a lot of potential. Incidentally, if you get flamed by the cluck lovers, ignore them. Just a bunch of sicko's.

Kind of a pathetic male fantasy. Why bother writing it? No real drama. Nothing gripping. Dull. Sadly egotistical.

And original! Love a nice BTB (burn the bitch) story every once in a while, especially with satiric elements. Four stars, thanks for writing.

One cliche after another. Every character was a stereotype. You can't develop any concern for the "hero" Nicky. He is a clueless nerd who is led around by every character in the story. The revenge is more directed at the family of the ex-wife and lover then at them. This story was a waste of my time.

The scores for this story are higher than they should be. The writing was mediore at best. However, the readers of this site are so weary of weak cuck ass men that they are rewarding the author for breaking that mold. I am waiting for a BTB story that is well written with some emotional teeth in it.

came down my chimney and left the toy I wanted since I was three!

This should have been in fantasy along with dungeons and dragons.

You seem to be really insecure about black men...why?

Unique, well paced and nicely built hard tees for such a short story. Looking forward to more of your writing

Okay, it was a bit formulaic and fantastic. I don't give a rat's ass. I liked it anyway. Those who didn't like it have a voice to be sure, but that's why the Big Guy upstairs made blondes, brunettes, and redheads. It would be a boring world if we all like the exact same thing.

Five stars!

I prize originality -- this story was certainly original. I even forgive the slight lapse from past tense to present tense in giving it a 5! Thanks.

Loved all the references to black guys. With them being the number one race in the world for having and spreading HIV it just worked perfectly. Really dirty ploy. Anything black always speaks volumes related to promiscuity doing wrong. Good story.

Started off as an infidelity/revenge story but changed into a sort of odd fetish before the happy ending. It seemed a bit 'loose' in the middle. Inspite of that I liked.

Luved it!

Entertaining to say the least.

Thx!

He owes them everything including his pretty new wife. Won't be long before they start asking a few favors in return...

NOT original but an enjoyable tale. I felt like a fantasy revenge romp and got one. Thanks for writing 4*

I appreciate all the feedback. I am in no means an avid writer so my tenses, grammar and spelling are certainly not the best they can be. I tried to veer off from your typical revenge story formula as best I could. just ask that you judge my work as a whole and not one or two individual pieces. I am also going to try my hand at a few different topics.

The boyfriend was part of the scam to obtain the wealth in a divorce, so he left him off the hook ,why?

A fun read and a different take on the LW genre. Ignore the anon comments, their just upset at the lack of any cuck shit in this tale.

Welcome to the world of LW where Lit's worse commentators hang out. You did good, don't let the assholes get to you.

Thanks and please keep writing. tom anon

You missed so many periods in this story, you must be about due.

Terrible writing can be improved by simply proofreading, and you seem not to have done any of that.

Seriously, get an editor.

I hate the grammar police. It was a real good story.

Hubby is pretty inept, except for techno-stuff! Evil Sweetie games him in school and several years after they wed! He massively fucks up during 'Surprise, Surprise!' Older Brother has to take him in hand to start getting past the early adjustment shit! OB's Capo Carmine takes an interest in one of his investments and takes over the middle and late adjustment phase. At least, Hubby was an active partner in that operation! The Capo ALSO sets Hubby up for Next Sweetie (and, of course, does a much better job than was done on Hubby by First Sweetie, although using the same seduction vehicle - tutoring!).

Two significant plausibility parts: Hiding Hubby's monetary success from Sweetie! and Getting to Mike's Mom. It is hard to imagine that Hubby would be want to, or be able to hide his daily successes from Sweetie. It requires OB to step in VERY early and convince Hubby that the Love of His Life was untrustworthy. Everyone wants to prove their worth to those they care for. OB DID provide the critical start-up funds, which buys him some influence, but ...!

Mike's GILF Mom is an awkward case. If she is as horny as she she is portrayed, she probably has several discreet age-appropriate fuck-buddies in her AZ area! If this 'horny attribute' has to be developed, a guy her son's age is unlikely to be able to do that in the given timeframe! Unfortunately, getting to Mike is critical to the plan to compromise Sweetie. Frankly, although duller than the gang-bang video, having Carmine get Her Bull to abandon her with NO warning NOR follow-up could, by itself, work VERY nicely. A few changes could make the disappearance smell of foul play, leaving Sweetie to wonder if she might be next!

4* Two (sic) many suspension of disbelief!

that's dam high for this site. a lot of holes in the story but most readers liked it overall

IMHO the story was too unreal. I appreciate you going through the effort to write this though.I also hope that as your writing continues to improve that you will submit more tales in this category. Thanks again for your efforts.

Loved it! Mom not hurt, she was a fuck slut. Xwife not hurt, just exposed. It is fantasy.

The questions; Could the writing have been better?

Was this a bit far fetched?

Did I enjoy the story?

I had to really overlook some errors but overall I truly liked this story. I thought the bit with Mike's mom was unnecessary to the plot, but I didn't write it. Good job and thanks for sharing.

but I loved it...great twists to the story...job well done...

It was an enjoyable read, and as one comment has already stated, the scores show that we are sick of reading about spineless wimp men, most of these cuckolded Lit. husbands would love to have Carmine's phone number. Keep writing.

First in LW with BTB, so 5*****. The maffia Revenge stories are either cruel or cruel and humorouse. I think the best maffia revenge story is Flavian's Revenge story "Biggest and Best" from SOL (Storiesonline dot net). The most humorous maffia Revenge story DG Hear's story "Cheating Spouse".

Interesting take on a theme, with nice little set-ups for subsequent events throughout the story.

Different,the mafia guy with the heart of gold is a twist,and it was different.Yeah,the writing is rough but that comes with practice.About the only.thing to add to the revenge would be having Nikki 'become successful' at the end of the story,to rub jenny's nose in her failure.Though to be honest,mob guys in real life would duck aeay from stuff like this,just no profit in it,if they were going to get revenge it would be brutal,swift and untraceable.

The nerd was good at computers and tutoring but apparently little else. All was cleaned up by his older brother and the local crime boss. I will give it 5 stars to encourage a newby but the protagonist was definitely not a hero.

One of the things that the Soviets used to do, if they could not find who they were looking for, they would go after the family. Effective, cruel, but effective. Seeing that technique here was interesting. Cheaters willing to put themselves on the line do not consider that. This was revenge that was not expected. And no, the mother was not innocent. She still cheated and lied and damaged her marriage.

I will try to touch on the major points of complaints.

The "hero" - who said he was a hero? or that he was supposed to be sympathetic? he is just the guy who the story is told through his eyes.

Sloppy grammar, spelling, missed periods (enough to be pregnant..that made me laugh) - truth is I suck at writing. Never been a strong suit of mine. I completely agree.

Letting the boyfriend off the hook - forced to leave town? I wouldn't call that off the hook but you do have a point.

high scores - I cant help that. I don't vote.

going after the mom - he says that going after Mike would be useless. He needed to go after something he cared about. Was she innocent? Yes. Was she made to do something she didnt want to? no.

You wrote out a nice long comment so I thought I would comment back to your two points.

Hiding the money from Jenny - I thought I explained that part with the big brother using the deceased parents and a time frame to coerce the main character into hiding the money. But I can see your point about wanting to prove his worth to his wife.

The mom - I also thought I explained that with the "out of town" part plus him paying her friend to spill the beans on all the buttons to push to make her hot. How many women go away on vacation and do crazy shit because they aren't worried about running into anyone they know? I felt that she let loose since he was from out of town. But again, in the short time frame, I can see the point.

For sharing.

Thanks for the offering.

Thanks for writing this. Hope to see more of your work. Ignore the whiners, they're just upset you didn't put a ball gag on hubby too.

Hubby didn't wimp out, and did what he had to do. Yeah, Asshole beat him down, and Wifey was a cold hearted bitch, but he still came out on top in the end. As I said in the title of this comment, Good Stuff!

Keep them coming, man.

5 Big Stars.

You should write another chapter from the EX-WIFE Point of View? & her Downward fall. PS. Ex-Boyfriend should had been Injury in some form or another by CARMINE just for Kick's for Screwwing his Friend who made him MONEY!!!!

Nice to read that a husband who is not a well built in statue does not wimp out.

I have been on holiday to clubbing resorts and some girls do get up outrageous antics as nobody knows them and they will not see the party crowd again.

It seems a must thing to do before they get to old !

I take it in this story the hero's new wife is much hotter than his ex ! ?

Also in the video at the ex wife's parents bush. There could have been a little section on her false, scheming marriage to out hero.

...but do me a favor. Leave it as it is, unless you REALLY have some other ground-breaking facet to this story that a follow-up or alternative view would satisfy.

Ignore the calls to rehash the same stuff. We all know what happened, we are adults. Or at least, some of us are.

Instead, if you are going to write, write a completely fresh, new story.

Don't beat this one to death, even if some commentators ask you to. It's fine just like it is.

Thanks

I loved your story, I got confused by how you expressed timing of certain events. Probably because I speed read a lot. Good revenge story though. I love it when it is served up cold like you did in your tale.

It grabbed my attention, and I couldn't wait to see what happened next. Great story.

The site won't let me give you the 4 stars I was going to give, so let me say, I loved your story. Very engaging. Bev

By the numbers revenge story, it had its moment but I found some things off putting. By hiding the money he is signaling that he is already diving up on the relationship. The sex with the lovers mother? Out there to say the least. 3*

Nice 5 fucking stars and favorited

there are better,,,,,and worse authors

3 stars

Some more suspense would spice the story up. Basically a good one but not easy to identify with the main character.

Practice practice and practice and you'll become one of the best writers.

Great BTB fantasy.

Loved every word of it, definitely a 5.

Just read this again and wished I could have given it another 5 stars.

What the author has here are some characters that can be fleshed out and I could see a series of stories. I would love to read more stories with these guys in them

Fun read, fun time-well done

thanks for posting

This was a really fun and enjoyable read. You did an excellent job with it!

Don't know why Hethen wants more chapters, this stood alone quite well. I don't quite understand why all the gang-bangers had to be black, but I liked the story despite the racism. I hope to see more from you in LW (perhaps with less racial animus).

Welcome to LW, the toughest category on Lit. You handled this well, and it's always good to have friends in Low Places, as with Carmine and his Goodfellas.

Great tale, and keep 'em coming.

5 Big Stars.

Now THAT'S how you get even AND get ahead! Well played. Well written. Enjoyable.

Always great to have the good guy win.

Really enjoyed this. Call it BTB or whatever.

My other thought : "don't get mad, get even"

Thanks for writing this, and keep on writing.

Ftg, this was an excellent rendition of the LW/revenge genre. Well crafted, short and sweet to the point. No one had to die horribly or go to prison or leave children in misery. Contrary to my contrary reputation I found your creative story to be satisfying.

The two villains not only lost each other and the fortune they plotted to delve but also would be in misery the rest of their lives. Forever fearfully looking over their shoulders and always jumping at shadows.

There is only one niggling point and that for my sense of justice, you had another ending in mind. Your characters of Mike and Jenny had committed criminal conspiracy and contractual fraud. I was hoping the FBI would go after them for those felonious crimes. But that's just my opinion.

Can't wait to read more of your submissions.

Fantasy times fiction BUT great work and very to the point -

Creative, thorough and horrible all at the same time - people should think before they fuck with nice people - sometimes nice people make strange friends and those friends may take it personally LOL

I know that it is just a story but it turned out very well. This slut's parents and other relatives will hate her forever. It would be nice later that Jenny finds out that her ex was a rich man now and that she missed out. She can always move to another state and find her another fool man.

Very enjoyable story.

George in Omahs

It was just a wonderful story! In fact, it would have made torchthebitch and PAPATOAD both proud! FIVE STARS*****

I absolutely loved this. Talk about revenge. Now she's totally bereft of everything. That is a btb story. Love it.

I give you 5 stars.

Everyone needs a Carmine in their family......bill. lol

BTB at it's best. 5 *****

This one had me cheering. Very nice revenge on those two assholes. Jenny deserved to hers a lot more than that jerk boyfriend of hers, and she got it. Well done and 5 stars!

Carmine asked, so I had to give it five stars. After all, When Carmine asks . . .

and do you think she learned about payback. TK U MLJ LV NV

Read

5**

And we all know that

"when Carmine asks, you don't say no."

What is wrong with using every tool at your disposal?

Has all the pieces and they are put together pretty damn well.

You reap what you sow. She got what she deserved.

This was easily the best written story I can remember reading in the literally thousands I've read. Yes, the salacious stuff is some of the main reasons to read these stories, I concede to the natural curiosity of what happens in given marital situations. I also enjoy being pulled into the story. I feel that when it's been written well I find myself, (naturally), taking sides. I was the underdog. I was the one cheated on and made to feel like less than human.

I have of course, since, worked my way to that "Better Place" of self worth through healing. I enjoy seeing people being made to feel the pain "they caused", returned to them 10 fold. Although I didn't choose that route to heal I DO so enjoy reading about it Being done in Spades. This story told it best. Did it right. Let you consider, without having to hear the EX whine and cry and say how sorry she was or that it was just sex. This one called herself out from day one when she finally was caught.

This author did it so perfectly in my view.

Thank you!!!!!!!

Really is one of the best stories I've read as yet.

Thanks for the offering...

Great read.

you were too soft on them.

I still think she needed the cheaters felt enough pain. I mean the entire marriage was a fraud. Definitely. ...more pain. ...for both.

Spell check. The cheaters needed to feel more pain... :-)

Five stars easily.

I love a good revenge and a happy ending.

fuckng ridiculous.

perfect for insecure eunuchs and virgins to favorite

When you fuck with my paisans you are asking for trouble. You ask and you shall receive. Fucking cunt.

Nothing like being featured in a video at a special family event getting gangbanged by 5 jig-a-boos with big black cocks!

Revenge was sweet,delivered by black meat.

that was just absurd..

Nicky is much worse than Jenny and Mike were.

Our loss

There go all these dipshit parents of protagonists croaking in cars.

This time it's twice in one night!!

Well written. Thank you!

and she deserved much MUCH worse .

Carmine can definitely make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Mike and Jenny burned so completely, that you can still smell the smoke.

One of the best btb ever!

I couldn't give it full marks because it was just too over the top. Still a good story though.

A conniving bitch got her due. I thought it was all pretty practical that it could be pulled off. There was nothing outrageous about it. That a guy could come out of this being so lucky is the hard part.