When You're Near Me

Jessie shrugged. "Like I said."

"Yeah I know like you said. But exactly what did you say? What did she say?" Krista had the blonde cornered.

"She didn't say much. It was all sort of sudden for her, I think." Jessie sat on the edge of Jack's desk. "We were on a picnic yesterday."

"So that's where you were."

"And things sorta happened..."

"What things?"

Jessie looked away. "We kissed and then... sorta made out a little."

"Oh, my God." Krista stepped up to her friend and slapped her on the arm. "Good for you. I was afraid after our talk Monday that you'd..." The ash blonde frowned. "Never mind. So, then what happened?"

Jessie cut to the chase. "Basically, I told her I wanted to share my life with her."

"Man, you don't do anything half way, do you?" Krista pursed her lips together, thinking of how Ashley would take Jessie's offer. "Okay, so why are you so down? Did she give you any reason to indicate she didn't feel the same?"

"No, not exactly. But she didn't have time to talk much today. She was busy... and the other day she said she'd be here tonight but today... well, she kinda shrugged it off." Jessie was trying not to worry but she was a woman that had just laid her heart out completely and not know was tearing her apart at the moment. "If I could just see her for a minute, talk to her."

"Call her then." Krista picked up the phone on the desk and handed it to her friend. "I'll help my uncle out at the bar. Take as long as you need."

With phone in hand, Jessie stared at it. She barely heard the door close behind Krista, leaving her alone with her doubts. Pushing the buttons, Jessie waited patiently as she heard the phone ring.

When the phone rang, Ashley jumped. She stared at it for a long moment as her mind juggled the doubts bombarding her. Finally, she picked it up. "Hello."

"Hi." Jessie greeted Ashley in a soft voice.

"Hi." Ashley twisted around and sat on the edge of her desk. "How are you?"

Wishing you were here. "I'm fine. You?"

"Okay. It's been an exhausting day for me." The brunette rubbed her temple.

"I won't keep you then. Why don't you get some rest?" Ending the conversation was the last thing Jessie wanted to do. But she had to think of Ashley's well being first before her own.

"That's okay. I can talk for a little bit." Hearing Jessie's voice eased her concerns.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine... really." Ashley wanted to alleviate Jessie's concerns but found it hard since she herself was having trouble sorting out her own feelings. Facing a lifelong fear put her on unsteady ground.

The moment was unsettling, as both women remained silent.

"Jessie?"

"Yes." The blonde hurriedly answered, hoping for some reassurance.

"Nothing."

Jessie's eyes slammed shut, feeling rejected by the brunette.Oh, God. This one's gonna hurt like hell.

Somehow they muddled through a few more words then awkwardly wished each other a quiet goodnight.

***********************

The next day both women went about their work with a myriad of confusing thoughts pounding against each other, bringing with it a very silent mood. While Jessie focused on the accounting books in front of her, getting lost in the numbers, Ashley threw herself in her work, just getting lost.

When Jessie called and asked Ashley out to dinner, the brunette politely refused saying that she had plans to spend the evening with her brother. It was true since Ashley called him early that morning and set up the plans but it didn't bode well for the blonde. Usually she was invited whenever Ashley got together with her brother.

While Jessie spent a lonely night at home, Ashley was miserable even in the company of Andrew. And he definitely noticed.

"So, you gonna tell me what's up?" Andrew switched the movie they had rented off.

"I was watching that." Ashley barely protested.

"Sure you were." He tossed the remote across the couch and sat up straight. "So?"

"So nothing." Ashley stood and turned. "You want something from the kitchen?"

The young man studied his sister. He knew something was up when she had called him that morning. Even as he had plans with some friends that night, the ache in Ashley's voice caused him to cancel them. "Will you sit back down? Please."

Not looking at him, Ashley plopped back on the couch.

"You didn't invite me over to watch a movie so what was it?"

"What makes you think that?" Ashley asked.

Cocking his head to the side, Andrew green eyes softened as he stared at his sister. "First off, if you really wanted to watch a movie, you'd be watching it and second, you would have invited Jessie too..." Then it dawned on the young man. "Oh, so this is about Jessie, isn't it?"

Ashley shifted away from her brother. "What makes you think that?"

"You really like that question, don't you?" Andrew sucked in a deep breath and scooted closer. "Cause she ain't here. I am. And I just know. What happened?"

"Nothing..." Ashley bit her lower lip. "...everything."

"That about covers it then." Andrew reached over and took his sister's hand, tugging at it. "Look at me." When she did, Andrew smiled and said. "I love you, you know."

Ashley's eyes slammed shut and her body trembled. Jessie voicing her own declaration of love flooded every part of her brain. While remembering those wonderful words soothed her, they also sparked her greatest fear to raise its ugly head.

Andrew quickly took her in his arms. "Come on. You can talk to me? Huh? What is it?"

The brunette sniffed a little before she opened up. "She likes me."

"And the problem with that is?" Andrew stared deeply into his sister's watery eyes. "I like her."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do. She's really cool. But Ash, it's what you want. How do you feel about Jessie?"

Ashley couldn't think about that right now so instead she said. "She said she loves me."

"Oh!" Andrew rubbed his sister's hand. "You don't feel the same?"

"That's not it." Ashley stood up and paced the floor. "I liked Jessie from the beginning. She... but she wanted to be friends. And I accepted that even though I wanted more. Hopefully be my girlfriend. Then before you know it she's telling me she loves me."

"I take it you were surprised when she told you."

Overwhelmed, Ashley hurried her words. "We went straight from friends to..."

"You have?"

Realizing what her brother was indirectly asking, Ashley shook her head. "No! We made out a little but..."

Andrew smiled. "You're not afraid of having sex, are you?"

Somewhat shocked by his question, Ashley spun around. "I am not talking to my brother about my... my... love life."

"I wasn't asking for details." Andrew carefully charted his next words. "So you're in love with her?"

The brunette turned away. She knew if she faced her brother he would see just how much she was totally and absolutely in love with the blonde. And then he would ask the question she dreaded.

"I see that you are." Andrew stood up and took one step toward his sister before he asked the question Ashley knew he would. "What's the problem then?"

Ashley threw up her hands. "What's the problem?" She spun around. "You think it's that easy?"

"If you like her and she likes you or rather you both love each other then, yeah, sure." Andrew stuck a hand in his right pocket. He felt a little inept at this but wanted to be there for his sister.

Shaking her head, Ashley paced the floor again. "Maybe you haven't noticed Bubba but society ain't too keen on two women being together... that way."

"I know that." Andrew stopped his pacing sister, holding her in place. He looked deeply into green eyes that matched his own. "Society and anyone else that has a problem with it can go fuck themselves." His sister was about to comment on his language but Andrew continued. "Ashley, this is about you and what you want, who you want. It's about your happiness. If she's the one you want and I know she is then go for it." He pulled her close and whispered. "She loves you and you love her... end of story."

Being held by her younger brother and having his approval meant the world to the brunette. However, she still had to face the fear that had debilitated her life and find the courage to conquer it.

That night both women crawled up under their covers, pulling them tight and wept. Love wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Chapter Nineteen

Ashley slept late, considering her sleep was disrupted with plaguing thoughts pounding her dreams. Today was Jessie's championship game and the brunette was wrought with worry, vacillating over what to do and how to respond to Jessie's declaration of love.

Jessie woke earlier, trying to toss off the impeding gloomy thoughts that swirled around in her head. She took an early morning run and then loosened up at home before heading off to her game. The blonde picked up the phone several times in order to call Ashley. Instead of punching the numbers, she dropped the receiver on its cradle and sighed. Krista called and told her friend that she would pick her up for the game. Jessie didn't really care if she even went to the game let alone how she was going to get there.

Ashley slummed around her apartment, walking from room to room until she finally slumped down in her office chair. Makayla was by her side the whole time. The brunette dropped her eyes to gaze upon her caring companion. "Hey you."

Makayla barked and moved closer.

"Guess you know what's bugging me again, huh?"

The black Lab whimpered in understanding.

"It was so sudden." Ashley said in wonder as she snapped her fingers then had to reconsider her statement. "Not really. That's what I told Andrew but it's not true." The brunette stood up. "Maybe it was because that's what Jessie said she wanted and I... I guess I wanted to pretend that's all there was between us...even though I know I wanted more."

Makayla stood, following Ashley around the small office as she made a few circular journeys.

"The looks, the touches... hell, we practically flirted with each other the whole time. It came so naturally with us." Ashley shook her head as she remembered each incident and how she felt when Jessie was near her. "Friends! Ha. I don't know what I was thinking." The brunette sat down in her chair and tapped her fingers on the desk. "I know what I feel though. And I know exactly what she wants." Ashley sucked in a deep breath. "Everything! I don't know... I don't know though. Can I give myself to love completely? Being totally consumed by it. Will I be able to prove my love for her will never be destroyed?" Frustrated, she shoved the stapler hard against the back of the roll top desk. The impact shook the desk and the wall behind it, knocking down a picture frame. The frame dropped in her hands.

Makayla jumped up when Ashley pushed the stapler.

Staring at the framed essay, 'My Whole Life', Ashley's green eyes dropped to the third paragraph.

My whole life, I've sat back and watched everyone else's mistakes. And I've learned from them. First and foremost, she'll be my friend. Because in bad times, our friendship will help keep us together and our love for each other will see us through it. My world won't revolve around my lover. My lover will be my world. I won't love her because I need her. I'll need her because I love her. I'll get down on my knees every day and thank any god that will listen for allowing me to share in a gift so unique that few get the opportunity to feel it. I'll do my best to keep her happy. But when she's not, I'll do my best to comfort her in any way I can. She can take comfort in knowing that I will stand up beside her, not in front of or behind, in good times and in bad. And that we will get through any situation if we stick together. I'll treat her like she's the queen, because in my world, she will be. I'll know when to back off and trust her if she wants to keep something secret. Because we all have secrets. I won't forget how to romance her. I'll surprise her with flowers, or cards, or simple little notes, telling her how much she means to me, especially when we've been together for awhile to keep the love strong. I'll tell her she's beautiful, especially when she feels she isn't at her best. But most importantly, I'll tell her I love her every day. And it won't matter who says "I love you" first. Just as long as it's said and felt. How can someone forget things like this, when to me it all seems so simple?

Ashley's eyes welled with tears as she read and the brunette realized just how simple it really was. "We've been friends. Real friends... Jess and I. We've been through a lot and stood by each other." The brunette looked at her dog. "She is my world. I don't know what I'd do without her. I don't want to know." Ashley sniffed as she placed the framed essay down on the desk. "They say that you never know what you've had until it's gone." Shaking her head, Ashley drew in a deep breath and vowed. "I don't want to lose her cause of some damn fear I have. I won't give her up."

The brunette jumped up and summoned all the courage she could muster in that moment as she opened the floodgates to heart and released the love she had for Jessie. Ashley smiled at her dog, knowing she had just made the most important decision in her life. "What the hell!"

Grabbing one of Jessie's prized jerseys, Ashley tossed it over her head and grabbed her keys. She was a woman on a mission and nothing, absolutely nothing would stop her from finding happiness with the woman she loved.

************************

With a lackluster and dismal façade, Jessie went through the motions as she fielded the hard hit ball. After the out at first, she slowly took up her position again.

Krista was worried.

Jessie offered the ash blonde a tight smile that didn't reach her eyes. It was now the bottom of the sixth inning and Ashley was nowhere to be seen. The blonde didn't even know what the score was between the two teams.

After the batter struck out, Krista ran over to Jessie and guided her back to the dugout. "You okay, kid?"

Jessie shrugged.

"Exactly what I thought." It wasn't that Jessie was playing bad. It was her lack of enthusiasm and her 'I don't care' attitude. Neither team had scored and Krista knew it would come down to one of the teams making an outstanding play that would assure a victory. "Come on, you gotta get your head in the game." Krista watched Shae take her place in the batter's box.

"What if she doesn't come?" Jessie asked with a sad face.

"She will." Krista searched the bleachers.

Shaking her head, Jessie said weakly. "Maybe she doesn't ever want to see me now. What if she..."

"Would you stop it? Maybe she got hung up. In traffic or something." Krista was reaching for any excuse to get her friend back into the game at hand. It wasn't that Krista cared more about winning; she didn't want her friend to be in such pain. Placing a hand on Jessie's arm, Krista made the blonde face her. "Trust me. She likes you a real lot. And I think she's in love with you."

"You do?" Jessie's eyes filled with hope.

"Yeah, I do." Krista sighed. "Listen, you've got to be patient and have faith. Think of her, right now just think of her and send her your love."

Willing to do anything at the moment, Jessie's closed her eyes and sent all of her love to Ashley. She saw the smile on the brunette's face and shy looks. The visions of Ashley made Jessie want to reach out and touch her rosy lips and kiss them. A smile formed on the blonde's face.

Jessie was jolted from the little excursion when cheers rose high in the bleachers. Shae had crossed home, putting their team ahead by one. The next batter hit into a double play and it was time for Jessie's team to take the field. If the Cougars could just get the next three outs without any runs, they will have won the championship.

Feeling somewhat better, Jessie ran out to take up her position next to second base.

The first batter smacked a well placed hit between first and second. Shae bitched Jessie out for not making the play. "A real fuckin' loser." The tall first basemen shook her head as she moved back in position. With a runner on first, Shae played it close to the bag.

Sally struck out the next batter but walked the one after that. Now there was a runner on first and second with one out. The next batter smacked a hard hit down the third base line for a single. With bases loaded and only one out, the Cougars were getting nervous. The next two batters were solid hitters for the opposing team.

Krista called a little gathering at the mound. "Okay, guys. This batter hits them hard and tends to hit fly balls. Sally, give her a ball she can pop and let our fielders take care of it. Just don't put it in there too hard or it will be over the fence."

"Takin' a big fuckin' chance with that." Shae protested. "Pitch her one so she'll ground out."

Shaking her head, Jessie disagreed. "I'm with Krista on this. Sally, give her the same pitch you did in the first inning. She's a sucker for a high ball and she'll hit to left center."

Even though her head wasn't in the game as usual, Jessie had studied each opposing team member and knew their weaknesses. The blonde slammed her hand in her glove in a last ditch effort to focus on the next few plays. When she turned and readied herself, a flash of someone familiar came into her peripheral view. Jessie's smile reached from ear to ear when she saw Ashley standing in the bleachers with a huge smile on her face and the brunette waved at her. Jessie was near giddy at the sight of Ashley. She waved back and missed the first pitch to the batter.

"Jessie!" Krista yelled. When the blonde looked at her friend at shortstop, Krista nodded toward the batter, smiled then gave a short wave to Ashley in the bleachers as well. "Bout damn time."

Totally focused on the batter, Jessie smacked her glove hard and leaned in, ready for the next pitch. As predicted, the batter hit a pop up and the center fielder captured the flying ball for a second out.

Two outs and the bases were loaded. Sally pitched a ball to the next batter that just missed the pocket. The pitcher was getting nervous. Sally knew the batter had hit her on every at bat during this game. She felt the pressure building and began to sweat.

Jessie motioned for Krista and ran up to the mound. Placing an encouraging hand on the pitcher's shoulder, Jessie spoke in a low voice. "She likes 'em fast, right down the center."

"I know."

Krista piped up. "You're gonna have to give it to her or she'll wait on it and you could end up walking her."

"I know."

Jessie raised both eyebrows and shrugged. "So give it to her."

Sally shifted her concerned eyes between the second basemen and Krista. When the shortstop shrugged, Sally shook her head. "Okay."

"Don't worry." Krista leaned in. "We've got your back." They were well aware of the batter's ability to hit it hard and fast.

Jessie chanced a quick look at the bleachers in order to gaze at Ashley before her mind zoomed in on the next play. The smiling Ashley winked and sent the blonde complete confidence in her ability.

Sally next two pitches missed for three balls in a row.

"Come on, Sally. You can do it." Jessie encouraged the pitcher. "It's a walk in the park. Give it to her."

Sally wound up and set the ball sailing at the batter.

Jessie's instinct kicked in and right before the pitch, she moved a few paces to her right. She saw the left-handed batter swing her right leg out before swinging at the ball.

When the batter struck the fast ball, it whipped off the bat. It was a hard hit line drive not more than five paces from where Shae should have been playing. The first basemen, who was hugging the bag cause a runner was on, reacted slowly and would never get to it.