A Romantic Story

"Hey Emma, I thought you were feeling sick," Hannah said. She'd slipped into the line in front of me. Hannah was the line cutter. She was holding two plates piled with food, "I was going to grab you some toast and stuff and come back to the room. You were out, I thought I had time." Now I felt embarrassed for my annoyance with her. It was sweet, she'd been trying to take care of me.

"I don't care if she's your friend, there's no cutting," the guy behind me bellowed. Hannah turned her head to the side and looked at me, not at the man behind me. I know what she saw, the sort of anxious panic in my eyes, the redness in my cheeks, the tenseness in my muscles. As she usually could, Hannah saw that something was seriously bothering me. She looked and knew that I was uncomfortable with the crowd.

"I should've left a note. You could've waited in the room," she said seriously.

"I said no cuts," the guy behind me said angrily and my shoulders bunched up. Hannah's lips pursed and she tilted her head to the side and looked passed me to the guy. She gave him a long stare. I could feel her growing angry.

"You got someplace to be, guy?" she asked sharply. I heard the guy let out a puff of air, like he didn't believe her insolence.

"I am trying to get breakfast..."

"You're trying to be a real dick," Hannah said and the crowd near us got quiet. All the eyes turned on Hannah, but she didn't care in the slightest. I think maybe she welcomed it. That was just the way she was.

"All she says is 'sorry' but she keeps letting the line move, and people cut her in line, and I am the dick?" I bowed my head now.

"This isn't about her. Don't make this about her. She wasn't bothering you. You picked a fight with someone in the breakfast line for no reason and now your embarrassed because I called you out on it," Hannah said and I felt the tension lessen again. That was what happened, wasn't it? Hannah hadn't seen everything, but she could sense it.

"I have every right to get my breakfast when I want. I don't have to let people cut in line. Maybe she don't got no place to be and she can stand around. But I am in a rush..."

"Its a fucking vacation. She can take her time if she wants to. The last place a fat ass like you should be rushing to is the bacon line. Looks like you've been hurrying to an early grave for fifty years now, my friend here is doing you a favor." The man's face grew very red, and I heard him sputtering behind me. I was seriously frightened that he was going to jumped forward and grab Hannah by the throat. But Hannah didn't seem the least bit concerned. She didn't wait for him to respond. As far as she was concerned, she'd put him in his place. It seemed the crowd agree. People were laughing and looking at the guy (and, to a lesser extent, Hannah). No one was looking at me. I could breath again.

"Come on Emma," Hannah said, "I met a couple of people who live six blocks from my old apartment in Brooklyn. We were comparing notes on bodegas. I need you to back me up." Hannah reached forward and took my hand, pulling me out of the line and towards the the seating area of the cafeteria. She didn't take any further note of the angry man behind me. I followed her.

"What a...cunt," the old man muttered as he scampered forward, closing the gap in the line. Hannah began laughing at the irony of his comment, the two of us being the only ones on the ship who understood how funny it was.

"If only," she said. And suddenly, I was laughing too. Partially because it was funny, and partially because I was relieved. That had almost been terrible, but then, somehow, Hannah had fixed it in her uniquely aggressive, vulgar, but loving way. She'd sort of wrapped her big personality around me, and gave me the space I needed to be comfortable.

And that was how it always was with Hannah. Sometimes, people who didn't know her but only her that she lived in my house (and needed to get on my insurance) thought that our relationship was sort of one-sided, that she took advantage of me. I never once worried about that. Hannah had promised me a good time on this vacation, and come hell or high water, she was going to deliver it for me. She was going to create the space for me to be comfortable. And sometimes that could be a lot of work, I wasn't always...graceful in social situations. But Hannah never held my anxiety or my awkwardness against me. The people I knew and the people I dated always seemed to find me embarrassing (for a lot of reason, not the least because of my identity), but Hannah never was ashamed of my friendship. She was always in my corner. If I had a problem, it was because someone else wasn't doing right by me. She just assumed I was right.

So, as we wended our way through the cafeteria seats, I allowed myself to laugh. I knew that one person on this ship wouldn't think less of me, no matter what. And knowing that meant I could ignore anyone who didn't like me. I only needed the one person. But, strangely, that knowledge allowed me to become comfortable, to become open to the experience of the cruise. And the people on it I could have fun if wanted to and I could just...engage with people if I felt like it. I was less embarrassing because Hannah wasn't embarrassed by me, if that made sense. Hannah was there as my safety net. And I knew that was true because when Hannah really introduced me to the two people from Brooklyn she'd met in line, I didn't feel any anxiety and I didn't say anything awkwardly or meekly (the way I would have if I'd met them alone). I just talked to them. And I liked them. And they liked me. I leaned on Hannah's strength and she gave me access into her more confident world. And for the cruise, I lived in that world. I never saw the jerk from the bacon line again.

* * * * *

The first two full days of the cruise were out at sea (before daily stops in Canaveral, Miami, and the Bahamas), and I quickly grew to adore the beauty of the open ocean. Accustomed to the cloudy slate gray of northern beaches, I found that the tranquil, cerulean of the sea was a revelation. I spent my mornings sitting on the bed in my state room, looking out the tiny porthole window at the ocean that stretched out forever. Unlike the first morning, I no longer felt isolated by the ocean. Perhaps it was just that I had grown accustomed to it. Or maybe it was the fact that Hannah, by necessity, was lying next to me in the bed as I looked on. Whatever it was, I found myself growing more and more comfortable. In fact, I even found that my sea sickness was fading.

It helped, I think, that I was having fun. I spent a lot of time laying out at the pool, getting my first tan in years. I swam too, in all of the pools on deck. And I even got into the sort of planned or set-up activities that I thought I'd hate. I played in a mini-golf tournament on the top ship, I (and the rest of the crowd) judged a karaoke contest, and I went to a stand-up show. And Hannah was with me for all of it. More than that, she was encouraging me to do all of these activities, things that I wouldn't have done on my own. There was always a slight twinge of social anxiety, but Hannah had a way of ensuring all eyeballs were on her. And she pulled me along until I was having fun without even realizing my guard had dropped

I found that I was having so much fun, that the discomfort I'd felt on the first day faded away entirely. And not just the seasickness. At some point, I forgot that I was on my "honeymoon" or that this might be the only honeymoon I ever had. I didn't think of the happy married couple or my strangled dreams of romance. I don't want to imply that in a two-day period, I had completely abandoned all of my dreams or overcome all of my hangups. I guess I just accepted that I was on vacation with my best friend. Feeling envious of a life that didn't even exist was just going to waste my week at sea. I might as well, just for a few days, live in the moment.

I can actually remember the exact instant when that idea crystallized in my mind. It was the second full day of the trip. Actually, I would say that the second day hadn't even really started. It was still dark out when I felt someone shaking my shoulder. For half a second, I imagined myself back in my apartment in the city. I figured that I'd overslept my alarm (again) and that Hannah was waking me up and saving me from getting reprimanded (again). As I sat bolt-upright, I realized that I was in my stateroom. I looked to the porthole and saw that it was still the middle of the night.

"What the hell, Hannah?" I asked groggily. It was not my practice to wake up before 10 a.m. on a day I didn't have to work.

"I got hungry and realized that I am on a cruise. I can get food at any time, day or night," Hannah said, bouncing excitedly on the bed. I shook my head.

"Cool," I said, "Have at it." I rolled back over, too tired to be angry that I was awakened. Hannah grabbed my shoulder and rolled me back over onto my back.

"No, come on Em, get up," she said earnestly.

"I don't want to get up. I am not at all hungry. Just tired," I said, refusing to open my eyes. Suddenly, I felt an unpleasant wetness and pressure in my right ear.

"Oh Jesus Hannah, a wet willy?" I gasped, sitting up quickly. Hannah laughed deeply and then hopped off of the bed. Now I was sitting up, awake.

"Come on, it'll only take a minute," Hannah prodded. She wasn't going to leave me alone, so I sighed deeply and rolled off of the bed. I saw that Hannah was already dressed for the day in a t-shirt and shorts. I was wearing a pair of loose pajama pants and a tight white tank top. I wasn't going to get anymore sophisticated than that. Hannah wanted me, she got me.

Without another word, Hannah turned and walked out of the stateroom. I followed quickly after her. I was still a little bit dazed from the early hour and I just followed Hannah long the winding hallways of the cruise ship. We ascended and descended stairs, turned corners, and eventually ended up outside, walking passed the life rafts. Hannah came to a stop at a railing and I sidled up next to her. It was only then that I realized we were nowhere near the 24-hour cafeteria at the back (aft?) of the ship. Instead, we were about halfway up on the ship, facing forward, the dark ocean spreading out in front of us. Just a slight glitter of starlight giving away the murky blackness all around us. There was a cool breeze without the sun, and I crossed my arms in front of my breasts to avoid shivering.

"You got lost," I said matter-of-factly. Hannah turned to me slightly and smiled.

"Just wait," she said, and then turned and looked back at the sea.

"Come on, let's turn around, its cold," I whined.

"Just wait," Hannah said, and didn't turn to look at me. I sighed, knowing that when she felt like being stubborn, there was no stopping her. I leaned against the cold metal railing, looking off in the same direction as Hannah, not sure why we were stopping here or what we were doing. I breathed in the cool ocean air and figured that there were worse places to be. After a few minutes, I didn't even notice how cold it was. It was as close to silent as it had been since I'd stepped onto the ship, supremely peaceful.

"Oh, there it is!" Hannah said, breaking the silence. She pointed off to the left and my eyes followed her fingers.

"What?" I said, straining into the darkness in front of me.

"Just look," Hannah said simply. I kept looking. For a moment, I could see nothing. I wondered if this was some sort of prank. But then I noticed that, off in the distance, the sky was more of a dark blue color rather than black. The stars were fading. I leaned forward against the railing as the sky grew brighter and brighter. The realization of what Hannah had brought me to see occurred at the same instant that a thin sliver of shimmering gold broke over the horizon.

"Oh God!" I said softly, overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The sky seemed to change instantly, growing light blue as the stars went out. A halo of orange light crested over the sun and the sea shimmered to life. I found myself frozen against the rail, leaning out towards the east, unwilling to blink or to look away. I don't know that I'd ever been awake and outside for a sunrise before. But even beyond that, the intense isolation of our little cruise ship on the vast, flat ocean made the dawn all the more beautiful. No trees or mountains obscured the view. At one moment it was a cold, remorseless night and the next, like a revelation, it was a bright, beautiful morning.

"Thank you so much, Em," Hannah said quietly, after we'd both stared, open-mouthed, at the beauty of the day for a long time. I was a little startled by her voice, I'd felt like I was alone in the world for a moment.

"Why are you thanking me?" I asked, after another pause, I turned and looked at Hannah. She didn't look at me, she continued to gaze out at the ocean. "This was so beautiful. I should be thanking you."

"Em, I know I've joked about our 'marriage' a lot. And I am totally going to keep joking about it. Because we are ridiculous," Hannah's voice sounded tight, nervous, and my ears pricked up. She still refused to look at me. But she kept talking.

"But...I really have been needing to thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to do that for me. Get married like that. I know that it has been a giant hassle for you," I began to protest, but Hannah steamrolled me, she kept talking. I realized that she needed to get something out, and I needed to keep from interrupting her.

"But...well, I don't have to tell you how important this was to me. I never would have thought to ask you to do this for me, because it would have been too much. I know I can ask you for help, but this isn't help. This is...You just...saved me Em. I mean, you've always been my best friend. For as long as we've known each other. But this isn't friendship stuff. This is... you are the best person I know. And I need you to know that I don't take that for granted. Most people don't get a friend like that.

"So I wanted to do...something. I don't know, I can't explain it. I needed to do something to prove to you that I recognized how special you are as a friend. But I always feel like, I do a really terrible job of showing you what you mean to me," I could see tears welling in the corner's of Hannah's eyes, something I'd never seen before. I felt my chest tighten, the depth of the feeling becoming overwhelming. But Hannah kept talking.

"I...I just love you Em. And I wanted to give you something that would sort of say everything that I can't. But, like I said, I am not good at that. And I don't have any money. And I don't know what I am going to have money. But I thought..." Hannah, spread her arm out over the scene in front of us. "I wouldn't want to be with anyone else right now, seeing something like this. I know that when I look at the sun rising over the ocean like this...that you see the same thing that I am seeing. No one else would see it the same way. It's so beautiful, Em. And you understand that..." Hannah kept looking out at the ocean, and I could see her cheeks growing red. I knew that she was struggling with words she'd thought about for a long time. I knew she was embarrassed. My heart felt like it was going to burst, my lips curled back into a smile I couldn't control. But I didn't want to make Hannah self-conscious. I understood what she'd said, and how hard it was for her to say.

What's more, I felt what she was talking about. Could I imagine wanting to go on a trip like this with anyone other than Hannah? Would anyone else know exactly what I meant, even if I couldn't say all of the words? The warmth from the sun, or maybe something else, I don't know, washed over me. My concerns over my trip faded out entirely. This was exactly where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing.

"It's beautiful, Hannah. Everything is so beautiful," I said, and I reached across the divide separating me from my friend, and squeezed her hand gently. She squeezed back, still blushing and looking off into the distance. But I could see a smile on he face, and we both knew that we understood one another. And in that moment, I didn't want anything else in my life, than to be right there. We watched the sun rise until we really did get hungry, then we walked off together, to find something to eat.

* * * * *

The rest of the trip sort of flew by. We got used to the rhythm and the activities of the ship. And soon, we were stopping on day trips as well. We explored new cities (and countries), ate at great restaurants, drank more than a little, and danced at clubs. Whatever we wanted to do, we did at that instant. In the Bahamas we snorkeled on a reef, we rode ATVs on the beach, and we swam in the clearest ocean water I'd ever seen in my life. In short, we had a blast. By the time we started on our way back up to New York, I was surprised to find that I wished I could stay out another week.

Our last night on board, I was tired but desperate to milk one last adventure our of my 'honeymoon.' Hannah reminded me that, before the trip, we'd talked about dozens of things that we wanted to do. And now, looking back on it, we'd done everything. Everything except get laid.

We'd talked about it the night before the trip. We were going to be on an ocean cruiser, filled to the brim with drunk, young, single people. Neither of us had had much luck in the romance department of late and we'd joked (I thought it was joking), that it was the perfect opportunity for a little semi-anonymous fun. All along the trip, I'd noticed Hannah talking to and flirting with guys. I saw her seeking out men to dance with in clubs all over the Caribbean. I hadn't really realized that she was completely serious in her attempts, she was always kind of flirty. But as the sun went down on the last night, Hannah became more and more certain that she needed to have a little companionship before we returned to our 'normal' lives. She said it would tie the whole experience together. How could your really say you'd had fun if you didn't even have sex, she'd asked. She insisted that I give it a try as well, for the same reason.

I didn't really have any objection (I mean who doesn't want to have sex if they can swing it?) and Hannah insisted that I go with her to one of the dance clubs on the cruise ship. We'd already been once or twice. But, as Hannah said, we hadn't really done the 'full court press.' And so I'd agreed to try go, though I doubted the likelihood of success (for me, not Hannah, she could always find someone if she really wanted to).

Hannah had been pretty excited and she'd gotten ready early (usually a faux pas in her eyes, but she seemed to recognize her limited time). I was, under the best circumstances, slow to get ready. So, wearing her little black dress and the highest heels that she trusted herself with on the ship, Hannah had set out before me. She told me to meet her at the club, she wouldn't leave until she was sure she saw me there. I'd seen her out and ready on my own. I took a shower, did my hair and makeup, put on my own skimpy black dress (with flats, however), and loaded up my purse with everything I'd need. The whole time, I moved slowly, feeling a little listless. I didn't really know why, I guess I figured I was just a little tired from the constant action of the past eight days. Whatever it was, I didn't leave the stateroom for more than half an hour after Hannah left.

Once I was ready, I quickly made my way towards the club. The ship was crawling with people, all of them looking to get one last thing in before they returned home. I sidestepped everyone, moving slowly, and trying to figure out why I didn't feel the same way. Hannah had been right,we'd done almost everything we set out to do. But I didn't feel like there was any one thing that needed to be done. I knew I wanted...Something, but I couldn't tell what it was.