A Romantic Story

Eventually, I made my way to the dance club. It was early, but the music was already pulsing and the place was packed. Got through the bouncers and was essentially pushed over against the wall. I looked desperately around the room for Hannah, but I was short and it was hard to see out over the crowd. For a moment, I was afraid that she had broken her promise and left with someone before me. I'd seen her pick someone up faster.

However, after a brief moment of panic, I saw her across the room. She was sitting on a stool, leaning against the bar, smiling and twirling her hair. She was looking up at a tall, dark-haired man who was standing next to her, holding a beer, and smiling as well. She must've caught a glimpse of me out of the corner of her eye, because she turned quickly and waved me over. I hesitated for a moment, not sure how to tackle the situation. Eventually, I just started pushing my way through the crowd, knocking into dancers and drinkers, feeling like I was the most obnoxious person on the ship.

Finally, I made it over to Hannah. She smiled broadly and threw her arms around me. I could smell a little alcohol on her breath, but she clearly wasn't drunk. She was just excited. She turned me so that I was looking at the guy. He was classically Hannah's type. Tall, a little goony, and looking like he was a bit shady. I knew she'd already found the guy she'd go back with. Hell, maybe she'd spotted him two days earlier.

"This is..." Hannah said, almost screaming over the noise of the music at the crowd. She raised her eyebrows. Clearly she didn't remember.

"Todd," the guy said, sort of pulling his chin back. He was wearing a black button-up shirt and his hair was slicked back. God, he was just her type. An asshole.

"Emma," I said, reaching forward to shake his hand. He didn't seem to notice, just furrowed his brow.

"What?" he asked.

"What?" I asked, unsure of what he was asking me.

"She said her name is Emma! She's my best friend. We came on the trip together," Hannah explained loudly. The man nodded disinterestedly.

"Cool," he said, and then took a sip of his beer.

"I'm glad you made it!" Hannah said, "I thought you'd changed your mind or something,"

"No I..." I started.

"Oh, but I was telling you about when I was in the Navy..." the guy said, suddenly interrupting. Hannah smiled awkwardly and turned towards the guy.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry," she said, and the guy turned and started to whisper into Hannah's ear. She looked at me for a moment and then turned back to the guy. She giggled slightly and slapped his arm. Then she turned and started to say something into his ear. I couldn't hear. Instead, I stood awkwardly next to them, feeling out of place but not sure what to do.

I stayed with them for the next five minutes. Occasionally, Hannah would turn and say something to me. Usually it was to relay some inane comment from her man. The man seemed annoyed by my presence, but he was smart enough not to say anything. I tried not to get in the way, only making a comment every once in awhile, when it made actual sense to do it. But eventually, my comments grew fewer and farther between. Hannah shifted in her chair, her knees turning towards Todd, biting her lip. After awhile, she wasn't turning to look at me anymore. She stared mooningly at Todd, or swatted his arm playfully. I took too long, but eventually, I took the hint.

"Hey," I said, sort of insinuating myself in between them. The guy looked annoyed, "I am going to go find someone to dance with," I said. Hannah looked at me, knowing I never voluntarily went to dance. She furrowed her brows.

"I didn't mean to..." she started.

"It's cool," I interrupted, "this is why we are here, right?" I said as convincingly as I could. Hannah smiled at me and mouthed 'thanks.' She turned back to the guy, who looked gratified that I was leaving. I took one last glance at the happy couple, and then turned and walked away.

I moved quickly, heading out across the crowded dance floor. I pushed through people more harshly than I did before, trying to get quickly to the other side of the room. I started to move towards the far wall, but instead, I turned and made my way out towards the door. It wasn't really a plan, but before I realized it, I was back outside of the club.

It was only when I got outside, away from the thump of the music and the press of the people, that I realized what I was doing. And what I was feeling. My chest was tight and my eyes stung. The sensation was so unexpected that for a moment, I really couldn't place it. I wondered, briefly, if I was having some sort of panic attack, but I couldn't explain why that would be. At the same time, my mind kept turning back, going over what had happened at the bar.

And what had happened at the bar? Hannah had found a man before me and, not so subtly, told me to get lost. I mean it wasn't like this was some sort of new experience. It had been to bars with Hannah before. She was bolder than me, she almost always found someone before I did. And then I got out of her hair. Sometimes, I would find a guy too. Sometimes I wouldn't. That usually didn't bother me, I mean it was like I said. That was why we went.

But this time...something felt different. As I walked away from the club, I could see Hannah and Todd in my mind's eye. See them leaning into one another, giggling, and flirting. And I came to the sudden, unpleasant, realization that I was jealous! Not that I wanted Todd! God, no. I very rarely wanted the guys that Hannah got with. Not that the guys I got with were much better. But I was jealous of the particular guy. It was something else.

In a flood, the anxiety that had slipped away on the second day all came flooding back. I suddenly realized who I was, where I was, and what I was doing. Here it was, the last night of my honeymoon, and my 'spouse' was about to get laid more than me. I already knew that I was too high strung tonight to find anyone of my own. It just wasn't going to happen. And so here I was, facing again the prospect that I was over 30, alone, and no where close to where I wanted to be in my life. Suddenly, the whole trip seemed like a two-week long exercise in denial. I'd thrown myself into the dubious 'fun' of the cruise, because I couldn't face the fact that this was all so...pathetic. And now I was returning to the real world and I was getting miserable knowing I was about to be miserable.

And I was jealous of Hannah. Because she clearly wasn't having the same problems I was having. If nothing else, she had figured out how to hang onto this vacation for the last night. She was going to be with someone. At least for one night, she wasn't going to be lonely. And, I was jealous of that. I was so jealous that my eyes burned and my chest clenched.

I was embarrassed by the force of what I was feeling. It seemed pathetic to get jealous of Hannah's ability to have a one night stand. If that was my standard for a fulfilling night... I turned away from the club and walked quickly towards the door. Soon, I was standing outside, leaning against the railing, taking deep breaths and trying to control myself. The real world was hurtling at me, I could almost see it across the dark expanse of the ocean. I needed to calm down, accept where my life was at, at least for the night. I stood, gulping the air, for a long time, slowing bringing my heart rate down. Then I stared of into the distance, not thinking about or doing anything. Avoiding everything.

"Emma, right?" a voice said, shaking me from my trance. I blinked several times and then turned my head towards the sound, dazed. Slowly, my eyes came back into focus, and I found myself looking at a somewhat familiar, older face. It took me a second to place it, then I realized what it was. It was the man...the guy from our table at dinner the first night.

"Andrew, right?" I said, after a long pause. The man smiled benevolently.

"Andy, please," He said.

"Nice to see you," I said, and I pushed away from the railing, turning to face Andy. I hoped I didn't look as bedraggled as I felt. It was embarrassing.

"Did you enjoy your trip?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was nice," I said, but I don't know if it sounded convincing. He nodded, "And you?"

"Well, I can't complain," the man said.

"You aren't trying hard enough," I said wryly. I though the joke was sort of bad, I'd just been trying to sound normal, but Andy laughed.

"Things could always be...a little better," he said, "For instance. I was feeling a little cooped up in my room. Long cruise does that to me. Claustrophobia. So I am taking a walk, trying to clear my head."

"Yeah. I was in the club," I said, "It really wasn't my scene."

"Well, care to join me for a walk?" he asked. The cloud sort of floating around me lifted slightly. A walk. And a conversation. That actually sounded pretty nice. I smiled despite myself. Andy had a soothing energy.

"Lead on," I said. The man gestured forward and we began to stroll.

It was a beautiful night for a walk. The moon was full, the stars were all out. There was a slight breeze, and the air smelled fresh and clean. And, I was gratified to find, the company was excellent. Andy was a true gentleman. He spoke about his trip, telling the most amusing anecdotes with impeccable comic timing. But more importantly than that, he was an excellent listener. I told my own stories about the trip, and about my life, and he listened. He asked insightful questions and offering incisive commentary. It was an adult conversation, and I almost felt flattered to have be included in it (despite the fact that there were only two of us). After three laps around the ship, I felt as though I could count Andy as a friend.

Eventually, Andy pulled himself to a stop. He made some comment about his creaky knee giving him trouble, but we kept talking. "And that was when I realized that it wasn't my briefcase. It turns out, I was a thief!" he said, finishing a story about a job interview twenty years earlier that had gone awry and I laughed along with him.

"Oh my God, and you'd already called to tell your wife that you'd gotten the job! What did she think?" I asked, leaning back against the railing. Andy's smile faltered slightly and he shrugged.

"Ah well, the rest of the story isn't as funny," he said and I immediately felt awkward. I tried t change the subject.

"You know, I wasn't really feeling well when your wife told the story of how you all got together, how'd it go again?" I asked. Andy sighed again.

"That's really more of my wife's story," he said, I assumed with modesty. Like she told it better.

"Still," I said, "It was a romantic story. A passionate story."

"It certainly was that," Andy said sharply. I sensed a slight change in his demeanor, and I wondered what I'd done wrong.

"I have always loved stories like that is all, romantic love stories," I said, accidentally tapping into the yearning I'd put off when I'd started my walk. Andy rolled his eyes slightly and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't want to talk about my wife," he said simply.

"Oh," I said, not sure what that meant. I hadn't thought I was pushing buttons. He didn't say anything for a long while.

"My stateroom is right through the door," he said quietly, "If you'd like to come in." Suddenly, I felt my pulse begin to race, and my eyes dropped away from Andy's face. Of course, I understood what he was saying. His discomfort with the story suddenly made a lot more sense. Still, I tried to give the benefit of the doubt.

"It'll be hard not to talk about your wife when I say hello to her," I said hopefully.

"She is at the casino. She'll be there a few hours," he explained and my stomach finally dropped into my feet. Andy looked at me with his kind grey eyes, waiting for my response. I won't pretend that, in that moment, I wasn't tempted. If Hannah had a type that was a sort of douchey bro, I had a daddy fixation. I always had. Andy was a good looking older man. Tall, strong, in excellent shape. And it had been such a long time for me. Since I'd done anything. And I was so desperately lonely. I was more than tempted. I was desperate to follow Andy into his room. To fall down on his bed. To not be alone for this one night. But there was one thing that was stuck in my head. One thing that, at one point in time, might not have meant as much to me (I am ashamed to say), but recently, it had become...so much more important.

"But you're married," I said in a small voice. I didn't even think to say I was married. Because I really wasn't. Andy was married. That one fact kept running around and around in my mind. Nothing else could stick. Andy didn't seemed fazed.

"We are all adults. You will be gone before she gets back," he said, not exactly a romantic sentiment. But there was more than that. I thought back to that first night.

"But what about...a lifelong promise? A beautiful institution?" I asked. I wasn't (just) trying to bring up Andy's hypocrisy at this moment. In fact, that was barely registering in my mind. I was thinking about the sentiment he'd shared on marriage, the beaut of his romance with his wife. I'd been so...insanely jealous of it. What was he saying now? How did those two things make sense.

"Look," Andy said, "I won't blow smoke at you. There isn't anything in this life that is perfect. My wife and I have a good story. She was dating her high school sweetheart. I saw her at a football game at Dartmouth, and I swept her off her feet. Her boyfriend found out, picked a fight, and I knocked him out. And we rode the fun of that right into the church. And I loved her...passionately. But you can't keep that level of excitement up forever. Marriage is a promise. And I am staying in my marriage because that is what my wife wants, and I owe her that for our children. But let's not the two of us pretend that I am still a head-over-heels kid. It doesn't work that way. I only feel passion for one woman right now," And with that, Andy leaned in towards me. I was too shocked by his words to move, to surprised to react when I felt his lips press against mine. I let him kiss me. My mind was reeling. More thoughts than I knew I could hold at one time ripped through my mind.

"Come with me," he said, his hand around on the back of my neck. I felt his other hand taking mine, pulling me forward. And then, I was moving.

* * * * *

"Jesus Em, are you alright?" Hannah asked. I was surprised, and elated, to find that she was still at the club. Still sitting at the bar talking to Todd. I later found out that he was waiting for his buddy to leave his state room so that he and Hannah could have it.

"Come on, I need to talk to you, outside," I spat quickly. I know that my hair was wild and my eyes were wide. I'd sprinted across the ship and then through the crowd in the club. An idea...an indescribable idea, was so heavy on me that I needed to get it to Hannah immediately. I needed to share it with her before I lost the words to say it.

"Can it wait?" she asked, tilting her head slightly to a furious Todd.

"No," was all I could say. Hannah looked at me, her eyebrows raised.

"Are you seriously cock-blocking me right now Em?" she whispered fiercely.

"You need to hear this," I said, my voice catching in my throat. Hannah looked at me, and then, briefly, looked back at Todd. I wonder if she could sense how much hung on her decision at that moment. But in a moment, she was nodding.

"Okay Em, lead the way," she said. She turned and said something to Todd, but I was already moving through the crowd. I could hear him swear loudly. I didn't care. Soon, I was outside of the club. I walked away from the crowd, moving out the door toward a bench on the deck. I was so nervous, I couldn't look back. I had to trust that Hannah was behind me. As I turned and sat, I saw her already caught up, sitting down next to me, looking concerned. My chest was tight and my hands were sweating. I felt like I did when I took public speaking in college. A nervousness that almost crippled me.

"Em, did something bad happen? Are you okay?" Hannah asked, concerned. I smiled nervously.

"I'm fine," I croaked out. Hannah took a breath and nodded. My mouth opened as I looked at Hannah, but no noise came out. In some ways, it was like I was seeing her for the first time. Every curve of her body, every strand of her hair, I soaked her all in; I was unable to do anything else. Hannah's eyebrows furrowed.

"Em, did you pull me away from a hot guy to tell me that you are fine?" she asked, her voice loaded with the threat of annoyance if I didn't answer correctly. I shook my head.

"No," was all I could manage to say. Hannah laughed a little and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Well...?" she asked. I took a deep breath. There was a long pause. Ever since I'd left Andy, run away from him really, I'd been churning ideas through my mind. But they were all confused and jumbled. Now, looking at Hannah, I couldn't put them in order. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to say. It was more a feeling than an idea.

"Hey, Em...its okay. Just say it," Hannah said, reaching across the bench and taking my hand. My eyes stayed on Hannah's, and I felt calmer. I felt my thoughts order themselves I breathed again. And suddenly, just like that, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. It was like...I had these ideas in my head forever, refined and perfect with time, and I had just realized it for the first time. They'd been sitting here, waiting for me to realize I needed them.

"Hannah, you know how we have been joking about our fake marriage?" I asked. Hannah smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

"Sure," she said. I felt my heart stop as the next words began to pour out of my mouth. I knew that once they were out, they'd change everything. But I also knew I couldn't hold them back.

"Why does it have to be fake?" I asked, my mouth instantly dry. Hannah didn't react, beyond squinting slightly/

"I don't understand," she said, after a pause. But I knew she understood, sort of. She just couldn't process it. I had to lead her there.

"Why do we just assume our marriage is going to end when you get a job or find a boyfriend? Why do you want to find a boyfriend? Why isn't this our marriage?" I asked, the words confused because the idea was so strange. Hannah laughed a little.

"Is this a joke, Em? Are you okay?" The fact that she asked both questions showed me she knew I was serious.

"Hannah, I realized tonight that I want to be married to you," I said. Saying the words made it feel like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders. That was the realization I'd had, listening to Andy dishonor his wedding vows.

"Em, we don't love each other," Hannah said incredulously, "This is so weird. Are you okay?"

"You're saying you don't love me?" I asked, my turn to be incredulous. Hannah sighed and shrugged.

"You know what I mean, Em. Not like that," Hannah said. I could feel her hands trembling on mine. I wondered what she was thinking. For the first time in a long time, I knew what I was thinking.

"What way is that way?" I asked.

"You know Em, don't be...come on, you know. Romantically," Hannah said, exasperated. She pulled her hand away from me and turned her head out towards sea. I wasn't upset. I knew this would be hard. But I knew what I had to say. If I could say it all, and Hannah still didn't understand...well, that would say it all.

"I didn't know you cared all that much about romance," I said and Hannah snorted.

"I know, but I care about it some! And I know you do too. We aren't lovers, Em!"

"I care about romance, I really do. But that is what I realized today. Tonight, really Hannah."

"What? I don't understand. I am so confused right now. Are you okay?" Hannah sounded almost frantic, like she was trying to avoid whatever it was I was going to say. I took a deep breath and tried to explain to Hannah exactly what it was...the epiphany I'd had.